brentsgirl

I feel like an emotional mess. I have been going thru the past three weeks pretty much pretending. Pretending that this break-up with my addict isn't killing me, pretending that I understand, pretending that I am not second guessing myself and my past actions every waking moment or that I am not second guessing his. I am trying to do what I know needs to be done- focus on me, find and attend nar-anon meetings, gets some books to read on the topic of my recovery. But he still controls my every thought, I still am worried about him, I keep replaying conversations we had in my head, etc. Now, when I hear from his mom I'm wondering if I can trust her, when I hear from his brother same thing. I don't even trust myself!!!! I was always the type of person to give trust until it was proven that the person no longer deserves it. I was always the one with emotional walls up to avoid being hurt so badly. I let those walls down with him and now look at where I am. Is it that I can/shouldn't trust these people? Am I being paranoid? They haven't done anything. How do you go about getting your life back after someones addiction has destroyed it and everything you thought you knew about yourself? I know this is a process and things will not happen overnight, but is this normal?? I'm feeling like a bit of a basket case as of late. Thanks for listening.

K..........

Impurrfect

Yes, I think what you're feeling is pretty normal for ANY breakup. Even if addiction weren't involved, I would still be second guessing everything and everyone. I had an argument with a coworker the other night and it bothered me for DAYS! I thought about what was said, what could have been said. and on and on. And this is just an argument with a friend, so it's even worse when it's someone you may have planned to spend the rest of your life with.

It's going to take time, but honestly, you probably need to take a break from his whole family. Talking to them is just keeping your focus on him. Go to the meetings, find something that will occupy your mind besides him. I had to tell myself "just stop it!" when I was going over the argument the other night....several times, but I was able to sidetrack myself. The whole thing was my feelings were hurt.

As hard as it may be, I think I would tell his mom and brother that your XABF has made a decision to not include you in his life at this time, and you are going to give him the space he needs, but you need your space, too. As long as you are getting updates on him, and talking about him to them, it is just going to keep dragging on.

You have no idea what the future holds. Maybe he'll seek recovery, and you can work things out. He might seek recovery, and it doesn't work out between you, or he may continue getting worse in his addiction. The fact is, there is nothing you can do about it. You can't control him or the future.

What you can control, is what you are going to do today. What is something you can do to get your mind off of him, and on to you. Do something you enjoy. Find something to distract you. If you have to say "stop" to your thoughts a million times, do it. It gets easier, I promise.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

brentsgirl

Thanks Amy! I know you are right, but this has been so unlike any other break-up I have ever had. I have never before questioned myself so much or felt such a lack of trust within myself. I guess it comes partly because of all his many lies I believed, all the things I look back on now and wonder if it was the drugs talking or him or something in between. I know not all people lie like him, it's just real hard right now to remember that.