Heaven2Hell

hello to everyone.
this space is needed and healing. thank you to everyone who shares.

I am requesting some insight & wisdom on my situation. PLEASE let me know if my reasoning, excuses for why i am still in this relationship are insanity.

i need some perspective and tho i am a little scared about the truth, i am willing to get better.

The man of my dreams turns out to be an addict- crack, pills, alcohol.

Each time (3) i have gotten fed up & put him out, let him go, moved on with my life, he goes to rehab. each time he comes back, life gets a little better as he makes a sincere effort to grow & change. this last time he was put on anti depressants & sleep meds. he goes to a group where he was finally able to open up about his childhood sexual abuse- a HUGE step for him.
i started going to Nar-anon and learned that I have issues & i am addicted to my addict's behavior.

This man takes me to heaven on a daily basis and then just when we are floating on a cloud, he plunges us straight to hell! hence my user name.
Heaven
he loves to cook and does it well, he amazes my family and I have put on 15 lbs over the last year

every day is an adventure with him. his energy is amazing when not using.

we both love the outdoors. when dating he took me to all these hidden gardens and beautiful spaces at our local park.

He is tall & handsome with muscles and a smile like sunshine.
i have multiple orgasms with him, i've never had that with another man.

he can build a house from the ground floor up, knows his tools and fixes everthing in our house except the electric.

he listens to all types of music, even corny stuff from the 60s &70s just like me.

he loves my 2 kids and is helping my son grow to a responsible teen.
he has opened my eyes how i baby them too much. something my mom's been telling me for years. got my 9 year old to stop sleeping with a night light without any tears.

he is practical & down to earth and balances out my tendency to take things way to serious.

he can charm the pants, money, car, freebies etc... off anyone he meets.

he is a alpha male, caveman & sensitive soul all in one.

he constantly tells me he loves me, i'm beautiful, i'm the best thing to happen to him, he's mine forever, he wants to grow old with me etc. etc....

HELL

on numerous occassions he has taken my money and gotten high
he even 'borrowed' $80 from my son once to get high.

when he gets high he disapears for hours sometimes days and won't answer his phone.

i've had to call the police many times when his using started to esculate and he would come home talking and acting off the wall, grabbing me, forcing me to stay in the room while he talks on & on or accuses me of cheating or having men in the house.

which brings me to the major issue with him bside the drug use-
Extremely Insecure, Paranoid & Jealous
Always accusing me of cheating or thinking about it when we fight.
And a Control Freak.

wants my undivided attention while he drones on & on then ask me a question, already 'knows' what i will say (stink thinkin), and cuts me off mid sentence. THEN when i get frustated with being unable to express myself and i raise my voice, i am DISRESPECTING him.
Besides cheating this is The worst sin to commit against him. as he continues to disrespect me on the regular.

he has never punched, slapped or kicked me but while actively in his addiction he has grabbed, held me down, kept me from leaving, threatened me & intimidated me with his physical presence. he would come home high at 3 am and turn on all the lights while i slept and want to 'talk' OR demand money from me so he could go back out to get high.



i am 5ft 3in and he is 6ft 3in,and tho i fight him and cuss him when he does this, he never hurts me. well once i couldnt move my arm for a day from him dragging me back in the bedroom when i tried to escape. in fact to 'Prove' his point that he would hurt himself Before me or the kids....he took out a blade and proceeded to cut his own arm in three places in front of me. I called the police and he ended up in the PSYCH ward for a week.

the very last time i put him out he lost his mind and jumped on top of my car and proceeded to stomp in the windshield while I was strapped in the seatbelt. thank God I wasn't hurt and a police car was right up the street, which he failed to see in his blind rage. he went to jail & i got a re-straining order.

Now none of this has happened in the past 3 months ( yes i took him back, what can i say, im dealing with my own issues and learning about my own ugly side).

he lost weight, talked about his undying love for me and the kids, promised he would do anything to get better. he got into an intensive outpatient program and things did a 360 at home.

he has grown and stopped his old ways, i have learned more about addiction and stopped taking it personally, have changed my reactions, and we have injected humor and silly faces into our routine to calm things down when they start to get hairy. Also the zoloft and sleep aid has made a HUGE difference. and his opening up about his abuse.

(if you are still reading this THANK YOU i tend to go on and on:ghug3)

END OF STORY!!!!

his medical ran out right before his hernia operation and he's been off the anti depressant for a month. he found out he got the insurance back in time for the surgery but for the past 3 days he has started not coming home,drinking, probably drugs tho he denies it, and he stole over $100 from me Again. As I write this , i haven't heard from him since 1:30 am. it is now 11:30 am, almost 12 hours.

His operation is this Thursday. Is he using again because he is scared? off his meds or because when i work at night he can't sleep without me or the meds.
am i a fool to stick by him thru the operation so that once he is healed and pain free he can run the streets in perfect health and get high?

is this my chance to have the locks changed and move on with my life while he recovers in the hospital???

Did i mention that while my arm was broken in a cast for 6 weeks he did all the cooking, shopping, laundry and got the kids off to school, helped me get dressed and off to work, went with me to my appts?

Did i mention the whole reason my arm got broken in the first place was because i was so upset about his latest relapse that i road raged when a cab cut me off and ran into a wall? (thank u God for minimal damage & my life)

So you see it is Heaven and Hell, no in between. i have never been with a man like him before. he makes me feel beautiful & loved & sexy & protected (he always supports me and takes my side when people are difficult)
I haved learned so much from him and i have grown and calmed down and stopped quitting when things get rough.

I love him so much & I believe he sincerely loves me, he just struggles with loving drugs more.

did i mention that he has costs me more money then he actually contributes to the household?

did i mention that i have hairloss and he helps me shave my head bald and says its sexy and tells me to stop wearing my wig to bed because he wants the real me and loves me and i am beautiful no matter what?

No relationship is perfect. there will always be something. if someone doesn't drink he smokes or gambles or cheats or doesnt pick up his clothes or is a couch potato or fat or lord knows what.

Okay the End really!
I think i am a big SUCKER Codependent/ Enabler with Issues, who's Addict has found a good thing and is holding on with everything he's got.

THANK YOU again to all who read this and thank you ahead for your wisdom, insight & comments

Chino

I think you've already answered your own questions.

When you're tired of the insanity you will do something about it. Hopefully it doesn't cost you your life.

Bernadette

Hiya Heaven2Hell--

Is he using again because he is scared?
No. He's using again because he is an addict. He will continue to use again, and again. And again, until he finds sobriety and recovery.

is this my chance to have the locks changed and move on with my life while he recovers in the hospital???
Well, it's A chance to change the locks. But it doesn't need to be so dramatic. You can make a mature, calm, rational plan and just tell him it's over. You have that right. We all do.

What do you want out of life?
Your "heaven" list is a good start for what you'd look for in a relationship.
The "hell" list? Not so much.

Yes, every relationship has its ups and downs - but ups and downs in a normal healthy relationship DO NOT EVER involve: stealing money, holding people against their will, bringing chaos and calamity to the household, using physical intimidation, using serious dangerous drugs, costing more money than contributing, etc. That stuff is all EXTREME and has no place in a healthy relationship. You cannot have a healthy relationship with that stuff present.

I have to ask you--How do these two examples from HELL...
in fact to 'Prove' his point that he would hurt himself Before me or the kids....he took out a blade and proceeded to cut his own arm in three places in front of me.

on numerous occassions he has taken my money and gotten high
he even 'borrowed' $80 from my son once to get high.

line up with this example from HEAVEN?
he loves my 2 kids and is helping my son grow to a responsible teen.

Are you REALLY paying attention to what your kids are REALLY going through and learning? Or are you in denial? Are your kids going to AlAteen or Alanon? Chances are this is affecting them deeply - and not in the heavenly way you describe.

We've all been there in one form or another with the denial - but when you re-read your post do you see the outright INSANITY you are describing? Sometimes when it is in print we can't deny it anymore.

Where do you see this going in 5 years? 10? Can you imagine a less dramatic but healthier life for you and your kids?

It is not easy to change ourselves but it is worth it!!! The past is past- you are free in THIS moment! You deserve so much better treatment.
Peace,
B.

rahsue

Someone who is controlling and paranoid usually is loving and caring and charms the pants off people, they have to or they would never have anyone to control.

the curb................kick him to it! too many fish in the sea.

hello-kitty

No they aren't. But they are either healthy or unhealthy.

In a healthy relationship, you:

Treat each other with respect
Feel secure and comfortable
Are not violent with each other
Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily
Enjoy the time you spend together
Support one another
Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.
Have privacy in the relationship
Can trust each other
Are each sexual by choice
Communicate clearly and openly
Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
Encourage other friendships
Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
Have more good times in the relationship than bad

In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:

Try to control or manipulate the other
Make the other feel bad about her-/himself
Ridicule or call names
Dictate how the other dresses
Do not make time for each other
Criticize the other's friends
Are afraid of the other's temper
Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
Ignore each other when one is speaking
Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy to me. My guess is that you grew up in a chaotic and unstable environment. And now you seem to be passing that on to your children. Your children are going to learn that the relationship you have with your man is acceptable and they are going to seek out a similar relationship when they get older.

I hope you continue to read, learn and post because you don't have to be in a heavenish/hellish relationship if you don't want to be. It's your choice...

Yesterdaysnumb

Ugh! I understand your situation all too deeply. I don't know what to tell you.... I personally believe that every person should evaluate their own situations and make an informed and prayerful decision. (wish I had done that sooner) I hope you don't end up like me... married and wishing I had fled for the hills.

Heaven2Hell

WOW You Guys Are not Buying that 'Heaven' Story at all. LOL

THANK YOU ALL

i knew i would get the kick in the pants i needed
it hurts and i am so sad but it is freeing also




You said-

Healthy relationship:

i just 'got' that i have never experienced this with a man. don't even know what it looks or feels like. (well now i do, thanks Hello Kitty!)

Less dramatic:

i thought it was just a deep soulful true love thing
told a therapist years ago in college about the drama in my family as a child.
she said 'No Dear, that wasnt drama, that was Trauma' had forgot about that.

in denial:
open to this but fighting it

dont want to f#*k up my kids.
my daughter is crazy about him. he taught my son to skateboard, spends more time with him in the past year then his father did in all 14 years of life.


Please say prayers for courage and smooth sailing

he is in active recovery and has changed so much, commited to making us work as a family but he can't sleep and hasn't had his meds, is in constant pain from the hernia and is worried about the operation.

how do i ask him to leave without causing more drama? he stomped in the car last time. but i didnt talk to him i just took his clothes to his mom and changed the locks. i own my house, do i just pack up and leave take my kids out of school, he knows where i work. he is a nut case honestly. he will come to my job and make a scene. I'm hoping that he meets someone else and leaves on his own. if i refuse to have sex with him maybe he will.

one day at a time. ive taken a fearless moral inventory of myself and Always say God not my will but yours. thanks again for all the feedback and support.

LucyA

how do i ask him to leave without causing more drama? he stomped in the car last time. but i didnt talk to him i just took his clothes to his mom and changed the locks. i own my house, do i just pack up and leave take my kids out of school, he knows where i work. he is a nut case honestly. he will come to my job and make a scene. I'm hoping that he meets someone else and leaves on his own. if i refuse to have sex with him maybe he will.



And you were contemplating staying with this guy and wondering how not to f8ck up your kids, he'd be nowhere near my kids from the start, nothing else would matter.

hello-kitty

Just from what has been described, I doubt that he is going to just leave easy-like... Prepare yourself for dramatics and then it won't be so shocking or disturbing. Make a plan. Work out the details. Make sure the kids are not around. He's probably not going to leave if your refuse to have sex with him. He'll probably just cheat and lie. :-( Sorry. But things could get much worse so be careful ok. Keep 9-1-1 handy. And be prepared to go the whole 9 yards and get a restraining order.

It's hard!! But I did it and I can tell that you are a strong woman. Your kids are worth it. :-) No more trauma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heaven2Hell

Thanks Anvilhead & Hello-kitty. you have given me more truth & wisdom to take action on.

LucyA. maybe u mean well but your post comes across as judgemental at a time when i am scared, sad and finding the courage to make life altering choices. im sure most people here have made unwise choices and put up with things from their addict that they arent proud of, Miss 'he'd be nowhere near my kids' . maybe im being extra sensitive but even the harshest things said here came across as supportive & we have all been there

LucyA

I'm sorry if you feel I was being judgemental, I wasn't I was just telling you my point of view.
You're right, I've made unwise choices too, I was scared once, not very long ago I was scared for my nephew. Read my story, just click my name, then you might understand why I would never put any kid at risk for any guy, however wonderful he is when he's sober.

StillLearning1

Heaven2hell,
I could relate to many of the feelings you expressed.

I can tell you what helped me to detach. I read an article on the stockholm syndrome. Once I was completely removed- the cobwebs cleared.

To keep it simple- I was married to a con man, a very good actor, manipulator. I'm not sure if he was always one- or became one. I just know that today he is one. He is just plain sick- incapable of love.. loving anything or anyone but the drug.

I'm not saying my experience is yours- I can tell you, heaven was just a scene in a play- not real... and I could have won the academy award for best supporting actress.
Today... no heaven and no hell, but a lot of peace here in our home!

My last words of advice- remember it is the actions not the words our children learn from. What we role model for them. I didn't want my son's to become like their father as a husband or a father. Though I can't control him, am powerless over him. I am powerful over me.

I didn't want them to marry me either!! Expect their wives or the mother of their children to accept and live under those conditions. If nothing else, it is no longer their "normal". That feels good to me!
Wish you luck on your journey.

Bernadette

StillLearning:
"I am powerful over me."


WOW!!
Let's all say that together...ready deep breath....
I am powerful over me!

Awesome.
B.

itisatruth

Ohhh honey, all I want to do is reach out and snatch you and your kids from that fear and insanity. But I can't--only you can. And tonight I will pray that you are ready...if not now then very, very soon.

Yes, change the locks...do whatever you need to do, trust me, you will be thankful that you did.

Actually, here's what I did when I was in a similar place:

*started moving my stuff out before I was ready for the move...just in case
*made sure I had stuff together--bills, credit cards, accounts just in my name, etc
*made sure my restraining order was current (if you can, include the kids on it as well and give a copy to the school's front office, teacher, etc)
*made sure I had a cell phone with me at all times and emergency numbers ready
*found a new place to live and didn't give him the address or phone number (if you can't move, then get very strong locks and a backup plan)
*didn't tell him, but left while he was away (did not need a confrontation)
*told people at work and always walked to my car with others
*drove different ways home each day and watched my rearview mirror
*was ready to call the police and ready to press charges

You do deserve to have a life with only the "heaven" part, so do your kids. Think of it this way: the day you leave/end it, WILL BE THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE-- a life that can be full of happiness, with or without a man in your life.

(((hugs)))

BayAreaPhoenix

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this for you and your children! I have nothing extra to add to what has been said, just wanting to send (((hugs))) in support!

ZombieWife

As someone else posted, when you are tired of the drama and severely high risk you are putting yourself in (physically, mentally, emotionally,) you will move on.

No amount of "heaven" that you have described so far would equal a single "hellish" event on this thread. Not a single one. Not for me.

And it's not judgmental to say, "my kids would be nowhere near that man." It's the God's honest truth. The law probably wouldn't hear your story and say, "wow, he's a great guy when he's sober." They would see children in danger. Period.

Imagine you have a daughter. She loves an addict. That addict does to her what is being done to you. Is that ok? Would you want that for your baby? Would your mother want it for you? Carry you for 9 months, sing to you when you're in her belly, cry when you're born, only to have you in a relationship with a man who might end up on Nancy Grace as some psychopath who killed his wife?

My father was a great "dad." I have fond memories of him spending time with me, loving me, taking me to movies. I also have memories of him being drunk all the time, yelling, screaming, the fights, the rage. No amount of good will ever undo those scary times. I wasn't thankful as a child to have a dad who spent time with me. I was scared to f**k and me acting happy and being a "good daughter" kept him from getting angry.

You may as well type, "he beats me day in and day out and locks me in a basement, but . . . the sex is great. I love him. He cooks."

It's the same thing, in my eyes. It's abuse.

I am definitely sending light and love your way. I hope you stay safe, you and your children. They need someone to love them and protect them, especially if they can't fully protect themselves.

Stay strong.

Jealousy doesn't equal love, by the way. He may act passionately when he thinks you're cheating on him, but it's actually his own self-loathing. Taking it out on you makes him feel better about himself.

Impurrfect

You've gotten a lot of good advice above.

I would just like to add one thing. If he gets out of control, and the kids are around, it may not just be HIM that gets in legal trouble. The courts, today, are cracking down on child endangerment. Allowing someone to be in your house, with documented and repeated outrageous behaviors (every time you've called the police or filed a restraining order), can very well get YOU in legal trouble because they see you allowing your children to be exposed to him.

I'm not trying to scare you or put blame on you. My best friend just got out of prison for a year, is on probation for 9 more, for allowing someone to be around her daughter that shouldn't have been. It was a screwed up situation, but both she and the man went to prison, the daughter has been on her own (she just turned 16) for a year because there was no family around to take her in except her biological father and he is a deadbeat.

You and your kids deserve a life that's not filled with the chaos and drama he's bringing into it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy