What do you say?

Old 05-04-2008, 06:32 PM
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What do you say?

Okay, I just had a really strange phone call with STBXAH. I can tell he's just a lost soul right now. I'm not falling into the trap but I do wonder what I can say to him. I know it's not my job to help him but it's like he's stuck on this merry-go-round and has no clue how to get off. I just told him that he needed to work on things for himself...that he should seek out a counselor who specializes in recovery and start going to AA again.

He's just all kinds of messed up right now and doesn't know which way is up. He grew up with an alcoholic father (who is no longer a heavy drinker, but still an as$-hole). He kept the kids over at his parents' house last night and to hear AH tell it, his dad is pissed off at him and basically rolling him over the coals. Not exactly supportive or helpful for AH.

He has no one. And again, I know it's not my job to fix him, is it okay to point him in the right direction?

Thoughts?
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Old 05-04-2008, 06:39 PM
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Counseling and AA are good advice. I think it's perfectly appropriate to remind him of his options here.

He needs to find someone else to talk to about this stuff, and those are two excellent places to find listening ears.

It's hard to hear the A hurt, isn't it?
Strange, but even when they've screwed their life over and started in on ours, we still want to help out.

You have a kind heart - take good care of it!

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Old 05-04-2008, 06:43 PM
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Thanks TC. Yes, it is very hard to hear him hurting. Just hearing some of the stuff his dad said to him makes me want to whack his dad up side the head! He's just messed up and has no where to go...and no idea how to get there.

Okay, I'm glad I didn't mess up by telling him about a counselor and AA. I don't want to enable him or do anything to put myself back in the middle. It just feels impossible not to say something, anything that might help him.
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Old 05-04-2008, 06:56 PM
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I do think it's important to keep in mind that he is already aware of the availability of AA and counseling.

Reminding him of options and telling him what to do (not that you're doing that!) are two different things.

It doesn't seem like you're putting yourself in the middle of things unless you start to invest some sort of emotion in his decision to seek outside help.

It's too bad that his dad sucks - you'd think he'd want to do better for his own sons.

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Old 05-04-2008, 06:59 PM
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I found that I can be supportive without trying to fix or enable as long as I toss the ball back into the other person's court. I do that by saying positive or encouraging things like-"I know you can do this" "Do what you feel is best" or any other thing that places the responsibilty for action on the other person....instead of ME.

I have an inlaw much like yours and when it comes to dealing with him...I respond when he crosses my boundaries and only then. If my inlaw crosses somebody else in my family...then that person needs to address it on their own. It's very difficult but the inlaw has learned to think twice before he does his nasty 'stuff' tearing others down.

There were many times when I offered my opinions when they were not welcome. For me to mention something like a type of rehab or recovery program without being asked is not something I will do twice. Maybe once, but any more after that is me trying to influence an outcome that I want.

When I took my grimy little hands off of my son's business...you know what? (plse see my sig line) Things got worse in many ways...I stopped doing what I was doing...and upset the status quo. I got better and he got worse before he got better.

At least now I know that his recovery belongs to him and not me. btw...He is doing great,has been clean for two years.

I attend Alanon because I need the fellowship of others like myself. In case you haven't tried a meeting yet- I highly recommend it.
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Old 05-04-2008, 07:02 PM
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Thanks TC. That is exactly what I needed to know. I do feel like I'm investing emotion right now just because I feel so bad for him. I do still love him in some place in my heart. If nothing else, he's my kids' dad, ya know? I'm definitely not telling him what to do but I need to be careful of that as I made not drinking a condition of his return back in November when we first split up.

I know I need to continue down my own path and get my things in order. Only his actions (not his words which are lies 90% of the time) will show me that he's getting better.
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Old 05-04-2008, 07:05 PM
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cmc - we were posting at the same time.

When I took my grimy little hands off of my son's business...you know what? (plse see my sig line) Things got worse in many ways...I stopped doing what I was doing...and upset the status quo. I got better and he got worse before he got better.
I think this is what is happening for us right now. I am getting better (in some ways) and he is getting worse (in most ways).
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Old 05-05-2008, 02:00 PM
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Anvil: Very well put! I need to be reminded that he has the capacity to do something for himself. He isn't a victim. You're right. Thank you for saying it!!!
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