liesagain

At 80 days clean and 76 days in treatment my husband relapsed/used while in treatment.

He had to call me and tell me Sat. afternoon because it was family "visit" day.........but the truth is he didnt have to tell me I already knew.

Friday evening he called as usual and said I'm going to an "outside meeting" with the center and I'll call you later.

No Call just like if he were home!!!! And by about 10:30 or 11:00 I just KNEW.....so next morning I didnt even bother getting dressed or ready to go to the family visit, and sure enough he called me at 11 am and said............

him----their letting me make this one call to tell you I dont have a visit I relapsed last night,
me---yeah I figured
him--- how?
me-- you didnt call
me--- so tell me how did you get the money?
him--- barrowed $20.00 from ________.
Me-- well thats nice, good luck paying him back,good luck I love you. hung up the phone.

Alittle later in the day I started thinking his therapist didnt have my new phone number so I called to ask that I be notified if he leaves and gave her the new #, she asks me if I have help for myself and started to tell me how relaspe is part of recovery..............I basically went alittle hostile told her............

IF he cant make the right CHOICE there in treatment how in the heck is he gonna do it anywhere else............what the heck are we his family suppose to do.he has EVERY tool yet he doesnt do the right thing..........AND its not just me sitting here hoping for him to get better his 12 year old son is too!!!

SHE says well I havent given up hope on him, many people have relapsed in treatment and have gone on to do quite well..........
Well thanks lady, but we're NOT talking about your life!!! ( thoughts not words)

so had alwhile to think about this and really, I dont know!!!

Basically I decided the following things
1. I will not "help" him in any way, no soda, no cigs nothing
I'm having a difficult time keeping up the bills here I'm no longer trying to "support" him there. If he can barrow $$$ for crack he can barrow for cigs and drink the koolaid they have or water. If hes there for himself what I do and do not do to "support" his recovery will make no difference, if hes there for me well with my "support" he used I wont be his excuse because I'm not longer "supportive"

2. I will continue to go to the Family sessions but I will not be picking him up for any pass for dental work, or labs or whatever else he uses to get a day away.

3. I will not take calls from him that are from any "borrowed" phone of anyone in the program he has one call a week from the payphone now since hes starting all over, if he even stays.........that will be when I speak to him

For now thats it, but man I am so sick of this!!!!!!
trying to focus on the things I can change in me............and my actions!!! Not easy for sure.

itisatruth

((((liesagain))))

So sorry to hear about his relapse and that you are upset (rightfully so). I am having a hard time hearing that it was during rehab even though he has been there for some time. Wow. We like to think that rehab should solve all our problems. My AH has been in 3 times in the last year, although for only little stints-a week or so each time. Relapsed every time after coming home.

I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom right now, but I just wanted to let you know I'm "here" for you and hoping you feel a little better soon, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

--Rica

Freedom1990

I think the boundaries you set are really good ones in letting him be responsible for himself.

I do take issue with those who say relapse is a part of recovery, especially professionals.

No, relapse is a part of the active disease, not recovery, in my books.

When I threw 4 years clean time out the window, it was not a part of my recovery. It was the disease that I had once again given in to.

Good for you for taking care of yourself! :ghug2

Hikeon

I have mixed feelings about rehab. Outsiders say "he has to get help" but when an A gets there, they meet other addicts that often leave more of an impression than the rehab does.

My xabf used in rehab several times. He also met drinking buddies there who he later would drink with post-rehab.

The worst was a rehab where he went in alcoholic, and came out a crackhead.

But if rehabs weren't there, where do A's get help?

liesagain

Thanks for the replies.

Ya know I have some concern about the whole going in one thing coming out MORE.......seems alot of the guys there use herion and pills so thats been a concern but ya know whats the difference hes already using crack.........

Just makes you lose hope if he cant make it there how can I even hope that he'll make it anywhere?

lil516

You have a lot on your plate....

I don't have any advice to add (it sounds like you put together a good set of boundaries) but just wanted to add my thoughts and support

I truly hope he is disgusted by this last set back and picks up his tools and never puts them down again....

jerect

I keep hearing that sometimes relaps is a part of recovery but like you I also have trouble with that concept. I think it is something I tell myself everytime my AH relaps to make me feel better. I understand the urge will always be there but these are adults and they can make choices and decisions just like the rest of us. This may not be speaking for everyone else but I think my AH relapsed because he was not taking his recovery seriously. He is still playing on the same playground with the same playthings and the same playmates. He is setting himself up for disaster. I know people who have been sober for 20 plus years and they are sober because they choose their friends and surroundings wisely and work the program daily.

jerect

:ghug3

I'm so sorry liesagain

I admire your strength in setting your boundries and sticking to them. I'm just getting to where I'm setting boundries and I know it's going to be hard to stick with them when the situation arises.

liesagain

honestly I am not good with the boundaries.........hes walked over every one I ever thought I had.

The thing is after the relapse that put him there I told him he no longer had a home, he decided to use again I was not having him keep using our home as his 90 day down time for him to up and go back out again.............Told him to go get help
he did, after days of calling me telling me he was cold hungry etc he went to a sober house less than two weeks there and he left came here then asked me to file court papers to get him into treatment and he went to the hospital checked in and left from there into detox then on to the mens drug program................

once there and he was committed to stay i let my guard down and became "supportive" because..........And I quote myself "hes trying to get help"

well the problem is that I dont think hes trying for himself........somehow hes just still not ready to quit I dont know. Maybe the pull is to much maybe its his secrets maybe its 10000 things
but what I do know is I am sick and tired of the worry and the fear and some how some way hes gotta want this ..........
but its time to me to find how I enable................and STOP!!!!

thanks everyone it means alot to have the support and people who understand

hope213

your boundries are set,stick to them. you are so right,he is going to use with or without you if that is what he choses.prayers,

greeteachday

((((((Lies))))))
I'm really sorry...it sucks. Try to hold on to those boundaries. I truly hope he found whatever it was he needed to find when he went out there again...that he let go of that last reservation and wants to commit. Keep taking care of you and your son. Hugs

ZombieWife

I'm sorry you have to hear this news, but the first thing I thought of was, "if he's going to relapse, better to do it there where he has support and maybe they can help him through what triggered him and how to deal with it in the future?"

One thing I am trying to learn is that people stumble. I do. My RAH did. The last time, I just said, "ok, I'm going to try to be supportive and help you," but I also had to put boundaries in place as you did.

I just think it's good that he is in a place where they can get an up close view now of him relapsing and maybe nip some of it in the butt?

I wonder about these "day passes" though and how many use them to go get high or how many slip up.

/big hug

hang in there

funkzter

((Liesagain))

Sorry for the frustration about it all... I can't even imagine if Rain uses while in rehab. It's like all the hope you've had (yep, because we are human, we still have hope, no matter what!) are destroyed because of his action. That's sad because then we're like "when the heck are they gonna GET IT". And then comes the fear that they might never get it, and the anger and the disappointement etc etc etc...
Geeezzzzzz

Anyway, as you see it hits home as we're going through more or less the same thing and i too most of the time stick by his side when i feel "he's trying to get help". It's difficult situation...
Ok la, stick to your boundaries for now and keep posted.

xoxo
Carine

hello-kitty

I think your right. Knowing this, what are you going to do when he gets out? Is he going to be allowed back in your house? Proceed with caution...

Honestly, I can't believe she said that. I would say the the ones who use while in treatment are less likely to do well when they get out. I would say that she is talking about the exception rather than the rule.

NoelleR

I was going to post a reply to this thread yesterday, when I first read it.....but my 'soimetimers' took over, and I forgot.....lol.....

.....and now I see that Freedom1990 echoed what I was going to say....Ah well, it definitely can bear repeating.......

"...I think the boundaries you set are really good ones in letting him be responsible for himself.
I do take issue with those who say relapse is a part of recovery, especially professionals.
No, relapse is a part of the active disease, not recovery, in my books.
When I threw 4 years clean time out the window, it was not a part of my recovery. It was the disease that I had once again given in to..."

This is the truth. I always cringe when I hear someone say 'relapse is a part of recovery' as I know that this not only is NOT the truth, but can be very dangerous.....any addict worth his/her salt will use that as an excuse for a relapse.......grrrrrrr ..... and for a professional, a person working in the treatment profession saying this.....? !@#$% Relapse is definitely NOT a part of recovery. It is a part of the disease.....I was very fortunate that when I first started my own recovery path, I had a wonderful sponsor who told me this very truth (again, in case anybody missed it.....relapse is NOT a part of recovery; it's a part of the disease), and if I always stayed 'in recovery' -- working the steps, keeping with the program, staying vigilant.....then I won't relapse.....and so far, with 22 years coming up next month, I have not had a relapse, not even a twinge of turning that way......I stay in recovery, the disease hasn't got a chance...... (o:

I'm also with hello-kitty when she said (definitely the exception and not the rule).....:

"Quote:
SHE says well I havent given up hope on him, many people have relapsed in treatment and have gone on to do quite well..........

Honestly, I can't believe she said that. I would say the the ones who use while in treatment are less likely to do well when they get out. I would say that she is talking about the exception rather than the rule..."

Of course don't give up on the person, but keep yer wits about u.....I like your three basics you posted.....just stick to your guns.....and always remember, the most important person for you.............is YOU..... (o:


NoelleR

Ann

I'm sorry this happened and understand how disappointed you must be. I'm sure he is too.

I'm going to try to look at this from a different angle, because the obvious has already been covered pretty well here.

The fact that he is willing to "start over" in rehab, the fact that he didn't use and run like so many do, is a good sign that maybe he can learn from this and grow. That doesn't make it okay, but any recovery program is about as good as the willingness of the person seeking treatment, and it sounds like he's willing.

That said, it is what it is and there are no guarantees no matter how well or poorly they do in program.

You are doing the right thing by turning your focus back to you, to what is right for you. By working on your own recovery (and letting him work on his alone) there will come a time when this relationship will either work for both of you or will not. Sometimes the damage cannot be healed, and sometimes it can but the odds improve when both people have their own program and boundaries in place.

I don't know if you go to meetings, but if not, this might me a good time to start. I can't emphasize enough how much meetings have helped so many of us regain our balance and find peace and sanity once more.

My heart and prayers go out for you, and for him too.

Hugs

Impurrfect

((((lies))))

Damn. I'm so sorry.

I have also heard about relapse being a part of recovery, and I don't agree, either.

When I relapsed, I wasn't in recovery....I was clean, but that was it. Still had the same thoughts....just didn't act on them....for a while.

Now that I'm really working at recovery, I do NOT see relapse as an option.

I do have to also agree with Ann, that it's a good sign that he didn't run off and keep going. But still, he used. In rehab.

I think you handled it well, and your boundaries are good. I see a little glimpse in you that you are finally starting to realize you and your child deserve to not get drug down into his addiction. No matter how many people tell use we deserve better, it's only when he believe it, deep down in our gut, that we are ready to say "enough".

I'm proud of the way you handled it and the boundaries you set.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Jewelz

(((Liesagain)))

I'm sorry for what happened its just basically sucks!! But after reading what Ann wrote it had me thinking and its true at least he didnt run off, go on a mission and completely stop working on his recovery. And just maybe this has an upside to it as well for yourself cause now you are putting the focus completely on you as where it should have always been.

I am here for you my friend!!

Hugs,
Jewelz

liesagain

thanks to all that replied.

I did want to add something in response to the statements that he stayed in rehab,
he hit bottom some 15 years ago, got clean and stayed away from his DOC for many many years
then two years ago he used it again...............and now for the last two years hes been using picking himself up and pulling together 30, 60, 90, 124 days then using again...........

these arent relapses............hes just a periodic chronic crack ADDICT.

I use to tell myself hes trying see he went back he picked up another white chip, or like this time "he stayed"

but really the only consolation about him staying is.........for the moment I know hes alive and ok...........and honestly I can breath for the next 30 to 90 days because most likely he will stay and keep trying.............but when will he finally surrender? thats the question.

I cant get him clean, force him to get clean or beg whatever............but I can stop giving him a soft landing and thats about it.

So thats what I plan to do......keep learning how I enable and try to stop.........

but my addict is so good at this..................

his case manager and I spoke this morning and she informed me that AH came to her office this am and asked to add his sister to his.......consent list so she can come visit........

mind you hes been there for MONTHS now and just added her today.....but see
hes planning for his soft landing hes planning for his back up when I dont come thru for him..........
its okay though because I did tell the case manager that shes fine, and supportive of his recovery and currently unwilling to enable............but advised the case manager that MOM will be the next name on the list he tries to add, and that case manager may want to talk to therapist to see if thats "condusive to his recovery" since AH and mom have a hostile relationship but he will and has resorted to her "help"

I KNOW, hands off BUT she asked right?
honestly it just makes me angry that hes done this and hes just building his back up rather than looking at himself...............and why he again used

thanks for listening

hello-kitty

liesagain, from your posts it sounds like you really know the deal when it comes to him. Good for you and for the record, I think you are right on when it comes down to interpreting his behavior. He IS planning a soft landing (even if he doesn't know it...) He is a CHRONIC crackhead. Those aren't relapses. That's just his pattern of use.

So, I ENCOURAGE you, keep the focus on yourself. Answer these questions:

What do YOU want out of life?

How much are YOU willing to take?

What are your boundaries?

What are the consequences for violating them?

And then figure out what you are going to do when he gets out and uses again. Because it's only a matter of time... at what point do you say enough is enough. Maybe never. But it's up to you. If you are satisfied the way things are that's fine. But if your not, start making plans to get what you want out of life.

Because staying isn't going to cure him or change him or get any better. For him, the pain of using is not enough yet. He's still got the resources to continue to use.