Serenity8

I want my husband to move out, and he is refusing.

He started an intensive outpatient program last week, and he is going to al-anon meetings (though he is sort of in-between because he doesn't drink; pot is his thing and though he is still in denial, he also has abused his ADD meds).

We have 2 beautiful, loving daughters who are 3 and 5. When he is home on the weekends, all he wants to do is lay like a lump on the couch. He does get to work everyday, and the weekdays are really ok because he isn't here and I can just keep my kids focused on us. But on the weekends when he is home, they just want to be with him and all he wants to do is sleep. It is INFURIATING to me. So I spend my weekends trying to get us out of the house, away from his sleeping carcass. I asked him last night to move out during this process and he said he wouldn't do it. I explained that it is setting a horrible example for the kids to see him just laying there all day long, and that I don't like me when he is around. But I think he is so deep in depression the thought of doing ANYTHING but sleep is just overwhelming to him.

I go to al-anon once a week and me getting to those meetings is hard because I need to find childcare for the kids (no babysitting meetings near me). And this weekend he just waltzed out of the house to an al-anon meeting at noon and didn't come home until 8 PM. He did say he had some work to do and was bringing his laptop to the library. And today I have a fever, so he did play outside with the kids for a while while I rested but when DD2 had a pee accident he just couldn't deal with it. I am just SO ANGRY about how selfish he is. I just want him out of my house, and when he feels up to being awake and engaging the kids he can come around and visit. I don't want this corpse in my house anymore but I don't know how to get him out.

itisatruth

(((mizserenity)))
Just wanted to send hugs and positive thoughts your way. I know you don't want your daughters around his dysfunction and you definitely don't need to worry about him laying around all the time, especially when you've been sick. It is frustrating when we are ready for change, but can't have it right away.

I think I remember you writing about divorce paperwork or something. If you have done that, is there any way his moving out could be part of a court order or talked about in mediation? Or maybe you can stay with friends or family on the weekends and make it a "girls get-away" or something, at least until he is ready to move on or get off that darn couch. I know leaving your own house sucks, it is something that has kept me from leaving on more than one occasion. ....I don't know, just trying to think of something to help you feel better, I'm sorry you're in this position.

Whatever happens, tomorrow is Monday, so him being back at work will give you some much needed time for yourself and the girls. Hope your fever is all gone too.

Serenity8

Thanks for the support.

I meant to say in my post above that my husband went to AA, not al-anon. I'm so used to writing al-anon.

Yes, I definitely need to finish the divorce paperwork before we can even file for divorce. I have been procrastinating and every time I take it out it is like it's written in another language. My sister is swamped but said she'd stop by on Friday when my kids are in school to help me with it. I think once I have that done I will be so happy.

I like your idea of having a girls' weekend away. My mom has been busy but she does make time for us on the weekends. Two weeks ago we just up and went to the mall for a few hours on a Sunday to get away; thank goodness for the carousel and the food court. We have season passes to a local amusement park, so as the weather gets nicer I can take them there, too. My 3 y.o. is tough since she needs constant attention or she will run away from me and I am terrified of losing her in public. But I do just need to get over it and get us out alone.

hello-kitty

mizserenity I feel your pain! My ex used to pass out on the couch while his little boy jumped on him and wanted to play. My ex would mumble incoherently and even drool and my son would just jump on him and tickle him and try to wake him up. "What's wrong with daddy? Is daddy sick?" It made me ill.

It's hard to get a corpse out of your house. But don't give up. It's not going to be easy and it could get ugly. But I encourage you to stick with it and follow through. Have you thought about telling him that you were going to report his drug activity to the police? That is how I got my ex out of my house. I told him that if he ever showed up high or hungover again, I was going to call the police immediately. It worked. I changed the locks and told my neighbors what was going on and that if they saw him they should call the police too. I know it's harder when you are married. But I think that if you threaten police, he would probably leave.

splendra

I have been wanting my H to leave for a while now too. So I know where you are coming from. My H has not worked for a while so his excuse is he doesn't have any money. The house is mine in my name so no way am I going to turn it over to him cause I am sure he would just allow it to go into foreclosure.

If you own your home and it is in both of your names I am sure it will have some bearing on forcing him out.

I saw your "thank you" on the thread I started about laying on the couch for food. At least your H has a job so it possible he could move. I am sure your H is depressed mine is too and I have tired to encourage him to seek some help for it you probably have tried to address the depression too.

Something I have learned along the way is I loose my serenity when I focus on him and not on me. If I try to figure him out I get very lost. If I ask myself why do I allow myself to stay involved with him I see things much more clearly. It really is more about me and what I am willing to put up with than it is about him and his drugs.

I think one thing that keeps me hooked with my H is there is this seemly undying hope that he will get clean and change and a fear that if I leave him he will get clean and move on without me. This kind of thinking is my sickness talking. The more I understand this and stop myself from thinking this way the healthier I become. The more responsibility I take for my actions the quicker I can get myself going in a direction I want to go in.

Take good care of you and the kids and be very gentle with yourself!!

Ann

As confused and frustrated as you may feel right now, I read a lot of recovery into your post. You have reached your "enough" point and are discovering what is right for you and acceptance ( not condoning, just seeing it for what it is) of his addiction.

Keep going to those meetings and focusing on what is healthy for you and your kids. Recovery (yours), and time will take care of the rest.

Big hugs to you for doing good things for yourself. It means you are living in the solution and not in the problem anymore.

Hugs

Serenity8

Thank you for all the support.

My big obstacle right now is that he IS the sole breadwinner in the house. I am a stay-at-home-mom. My attorney seems to think I'll be able to sell the house and get to stay home until my youngest daughter is in school fulltime (which is 2011) but I think that is a little unrealistic. I also don't know if my husband will crash further once I serve him with divorce papers; I have to prepare myself for the fact that he might not always have a job that will allow me to stay home. My mom has a small house that she has opened up to me and my girls if it ever comes down to it, but that comes with its own set of issues. If it turns out I have to live with her, I want it to be temporary. The house we live in is in both our names, we purchased it together 8 years ago. Getting 1/2 the equity in the house after we sell it isn't really enough to purchase something on my own without additional income, but I'm sure I'll figure something out. I'm pretty resourceful and if I need to go back to work, I definitely will. Daycare is so expensive where I live, though, and my mom works fulltime.

And yes, he is in rehab - but hasn't told anyone but me yet. I mentioned that he should tell his parents and at this point he won't. That, to me, is not a good sign.

I thought about threatening to go to the police with his drug use to get him out. I know he was greatly affected by the drug counselor putting a scenario in his head of us losing custody of our children if anyone ever found out he had drugs in the house.

I also know I really need to get my nose out of HIS program and stick to my own. It definitely doesn't help that I am still sick, had a fever all night and now I am exhausted. I am going to get everyone dressed and go to the Minute Clinic in our drugstore to make sure it isn't strep. I think everything is more magnified when you don't feel well.

bsfish

I sympathize. I have 3 &5 yr old boys. My AW was in about the same spot as your AH. Although she was a stay at home mom, and the sole person with the kids until I realized how bad the problem was. Also abusing ADD drugs. Using them to stay wired for days to "get things done" (and not) then crashing for days, not able to get up.

I finally decided that no mom would be better than dysfuntional mom, who was jepoardizing thier safety. I started to prepare for that. Cosidered getting the police involved, but managed to get her to rehab before I did that. So we'll see how the story ends. I did file a report with child protective services when she left. I'm not really sure if I did that for the right reasons, but it was to add to my case if I had to try to get custody. And to try to help get the seriousness of the situation to sink in.

I don't have much in the way of advice, just a lot of underfstanding. I congratulate you on putting your and your girls well being at the top of the list and wanting him out. I wish you the best in making it happen. Good luck to you and take care of those kids.