sandrawg

Today, I am wracked with guilt and pain.

My exbf uses coke. He swears he is not an addict. He says he only uses it sporadically. I don't know what to do. All I know is I'm stumbling through this, feeling lost and need help. I'm so glad I found this forum.

Here's the story. We'd been dating just a few months when, back in November, he did coke at my house, unbeknownst to me, until he started acting funny-talking a mile a minute and not making sense. Some guy at a party I had, gave him the blow. I knew he was on something and when I asked him, he confessed. The next day, we had a long discussion about it. I told him I wasn't down with it-it was a dealbreaker etc.

Now, afterwards, we've had our ups and downs. I'm definitely a lot to blame for subsequent arguments we've had-I have some leftover issues from a verbally abusive rel'ship in the past. I know I have work of my own to do.

In beg of April, he didn't go to work one day. I asked if he wanted to go out that night, he said he didn't feel like going out. It all seemed strange but I can't tell you why-just a gut feeling I had like something was off. I prodded and prodded, and he finally admitted, he had done blow the night before.

Well, my anger was off the charts, mainly due to fear, and just thinking, how could he do this when I made it clear it was a dealbreaker? I felt like I had to live up to my word. I broke up with him that night-brought his stuff from my house back to him. He looked SO sad, it tore me up.

Next day I started thinking...what if he is an addict? Maybe he needs my help.

I tried discussing it with him. He vehemently denied having a problem. Said he was not a cokehead and that he only did the drug sporadically.

Next day, I gave him another chance. Tried to see if he could/would be willing to stop. He said he was sorry but he couldn't promise he wouldn't do it again.

I'm sure many of you out there know how painful it is to hear something like that. You feel like you've just been shoved way down on the priority list.

Since that time (mid-April), I have beenI a ball of confusion and pain. A few days after I broke up whim, he did coke again. Missed work again the next day.

The only good thing about that, is that it scared him-he loves his job and doesn't want to lose it. He texted me that he "made a mistake."

I don't know if he considers blow to be the mistake, or skipping out on work the mistake...he said he wouldn't miss work like that again.

This gave me some hope. I told him maybe we could transition into a casual rel'ship. He came over last weekend. I found out then, that he actually PAID for the blow that most recent time. Before, it was given to him by others.

That concerned me.

We had a nice time. I made it clear tho that I'd be seeing other people. I reiterated, I could not have an exclusive, longterm rel'ship with him when he can't promise not to do blow. He didn't really respond.

On Wednesday, he texted me that he missed me. This triggered something in me.

I felt like, how dare you tell me how much you miss me, when YOU'RE the one who caused this situation?? I thought, and told him in an email, you could have me at any time, if you'd just stop this stupid crap you snort up your nose...

>>once again, my anger that I need to manage<<

I called him, cried on the phone. His phone died and he put me off til the next day. I was livid. Said a bunch of harsh things in an email..."...doing coke is stupid and f'd up..." ...said that I need someone stable and who doesn't do addictive drugs...said maybe we should go NC for a while...I also got mad at him for putting off talking to me cuz his phone died (There's another phone at the house where he lives that he could have used.)

I think I was too harsh with him. I'm sure I made him feel like I was judging him. I am sure he's in a lot of pain too and all I can think about is my own.

I have texted him today to say can we talk-I want to apologize. In no way can I take him back if he's doing coke, but I'm conflicted. I am starting to think he needs help. He hasn't responded to my text.

A drug counselor said the best thing I can do is leave him. I'm one of his few truly good friends, and even I haven't been that great of a friend, due to my own issues. The counselor said I should let his parents know about the blow--he's 24 and they are still pretty involved in his life.

I don't know what to do now.

sandrawg

I should also add that he has a history of drug abuse...did marijuana in his teens...I know he did coke before he met me, because he's mentioned an exgf he used to do it with.

peaceteach

I think the counselor gave you excellent advice. An addict has to want to get sober for himself, and it doesn't seem to work if they are doing it to win someone back. Never, I hear.

You did great, by the way, sandrawg. Very impressive standing your ground with the dealbreaker, which is a very excellent dealbreaker, sister. Keep it forever and take care of you. Tell his family--yes.

sandrawg

Thanks. It's so hard, though. He is the first person who has loved me and made me feel wanted after I had gone through a divorce I didn't want, and then ending up in a horrible rebound abusive situation.

It is SO hard to let go of him. I'm also scared of what will happen to him.

I do think he loves me, even though I've questioned that when he was willing to dump me for coke.

I know it's for the best but that doesn't make it any easier. I can't stop crying today.

SweetPea22

When i first met my ex, he told me he used to do drugs and i told him i wasnt going to judge him on his past.. except it wasnt only in his past, he was still doing it. He always "felt bad" for using and always went on and on about how much he wanted to quit. I tried so hard to help him.. we lasted 2 years.. i just broke up with him about 3 weeks ago and he has been missing since. i felt responsible for him being depressed and using.. although i now realize he will keep using with or without me. It was a HUGE snowball effect.. just kept getting worse and worse!

I was in your exact situation!! I would cry my eyes out infront of him telling him how much it hurt me and tore me apart when he was using (coke) he would tell me how sorry he was and promised left and right that he'd never use again. He lost job after job, started stealing for more $ for his habit.. went to multiple detoxes and rehab.. this is the same guy i thought i was going to marry.. had my ring picked out and a house picked out.. and as much as i love him and care for him, i had to leave him..

Im not saying its impossible to quit, but he has to want to quit on his own! Sadly there are no words to convince him to stop... no threats... i've tried it all and it never worked. It got to the point where i'd be paranoid every time he didnt call me on time or answer his phone, every time he didnt text me bak right away.. i would already be wondering if he was using again. It's emotionally draining and exhausting.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! But just remember you're not alone!! It'd be better to leave now!! It hurt me SO much every time someone would tell me i need to leave my (ex) bf. I still care for him and love him with all my heart, but in all honesty.. you need to take care of yourself!! I always thought i would die w/o him, but im actually doing alright!! Just be strong and stand your ground!! Best of luck to you!!

God Bless!!!

sandrawg

Do you think I should tell him that, if he ever decides he has a problem (cuz he's in denial about it right now) and wants to get help, that I will be there for him?

Because I would be, in a limited way...not from being in a rel'ship with him, but as a friend.

jerect

[QUOTE=sandrawg;1760139
I'm sure many of you out there know how painful it is to hear something like that. You feel like you've just been shoved way down on the priority list.
.[/QUOTE]

When you are with someone in active addiction and by the way you describe your BF is an addict, you will never be top priority. His number one priority is the drug and his next high.

Please, don't feel guilty, you have every right to your feelings of anger and frustration. You should feel guilty about nothing.

I met my AH soon after my divorce and he was very upfront with me about his past drug use but he told me he was clean and I took his word for it. (I was naive and knew nothing about addiction) There were red flags but I ignored them and married him only after knowing him for 6 months..
Fast forward a year later and he is in full blown addiction again. This past year I have endured many lies, many sleepless nights and countless arguments. I could kick myself now for not walking away when I had the chance. You have that chance and I urge you to walk away from him. He will use whether you are his GF or not. And if you remain his GF be prepared for many lonely days and nights because an addict cannot be emotionaly available to you. My AH can be the sweetest man in the world but when he is using he is a monster.

I posted this in your other thread but I will say this again. Take care of you!!!! Stick with your boundries because if you let him back in your life after telling him drug use is a deal breaker, everything you say in the future will be idol threats.

:ghug3 I know it's hard, and I know your pain because I live it everyday, but it's much easier to walk out of a relationship then it is to walk out of a marriage.

sandrawg

I gave my ex a 2nd chance...told him, if he could promise he wouldn't use it again, I'd stay with him. He said he was sorry, he couldn't promise because...who knows, 2 years down the road, he might run into friends in Jamaica or something, and "want to do a line or two."

!???????????!???????????!??????????!????????!

I couldn't believe it. He was trading me in for the freedom to do a "line or two" in the future. That was bizarrely surreal.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You met him soon after a divorce?

I met a verbally abusive guy after mine-I think now I was really vulnerable. That's the only way I can explain it. I was with the guy for a year. Thank god, I got out.

I am going to be EXTREMELY careful whom I get into a rel'ship with in the future! And get to know someone really well.

Only thing is, I was with my ex-h for 12 years and when he left me, I felt like i didn't know him at all.

sandrawg

I have to mention something that's very weird. It's funny that you use the phrase "emotionally available."

Now, I don't believe in psychics, usually. Or astrology, or any of that superstitious stuff.

BUT

Last summer, when my ex and I just started seeing each other, a friend of mine wanted to duck into a psychic's place after a bunch of us had just seen a band play in Hollywood.

The psychic came out and started making prognostications (I guess as a teaser, to get us to pay.)

She asked if any of us were dating a guy whose name starts with 'J'. Turns out, I was casually dating about 4 guys (no joke) at that time whose names started with 'J.' So I said, "I am."

She turns to me and says, "That man you are dating...you will get closer to him, but he is not emotionally available to you."

Well, at that time, I had no idea which guy she was talking about, and I poo-poo'd it, in any case, because of my disbelief.

But now that seems eerily accurate.

ZombieWife

The first thing you need to do is stop being so hard on yourself, ok? If you were too harsh with him, so what? You stuck to your guns and you have some good ethics and a brain in your head. You weren't born yesterday and you're acting like a strong, intelligent, responsible and self-respecting woman. And, for the record, I DON'T think you were too harsh. I think you gave him a kick in the butt. Good for you.

The big issue I see here is not just the drug, but the fact that he knew you did not approve (and you made that VERY clear, CRYSTAL clear.) He went and did it anyway. That shows that he's speaking out of both sides of his mouth here. He's doing what he wants. Even if he only did it a few times after you told him, "THIS IS A DEALBREAKER" (that is VERY clear on how you feel about this,) the fact is, he went and did it anyway. Maybe he's not an addict. Maybe he does it only a few times. But the fact that he's not keeping true to his word . . . what do you think would happen if he really WAS an addict? If he was in super, huge deep? He'd lie. He'd tell you one thing, then do another. Nasty cycle.

You have to ask yourself, do you want this potential drama down the road? Maybe he can get his act together, but why should you invest yourself into someone that is not a smart bet? Would you bet on a lame horse at the racetrack? Sure, we can't choose who we love sometimes, and everyone makes mistakes, but I think he has a long way to go to prove that he's not going to do it again.

This is where many of us began--many of us who live with users/recovering addicts/missing addicts. I can't say that all people end up in the worst way when they do something like coke recreationally, but I have a hard time believing it won't someday turn into a problem if he doesn't stop now.

hello-kitty

Hi Sandra and thanks for posting your story. Don't second guess yourself, ok?! You are a smart girl and a strong girl and you did the right thing. You drew a firm boundary about using cocaine and he crossed it... more than once.

Addicts/drug abusers are brilliant manipulators. And to me his actions and your reactions scream manipulation. He distracts you from the real problem (his coke use) by making you feel like you are the one with problems (anger problems, etc etc all the stuff you listed). His problem COKE has nothing to do with you. It's a completely separate issue. So stand firm and don't be manipulated.

I suggest reading around the site about the 3 cs - you didn't cause it. you can't control it. you can't cure it. When your ex wants to stop using (and right now he doesn't even think he has a problem) he will do whatever it takes with or without your help. When he's ready to admit he has a problem and seek help, it won't be your help that he needs. It will be professional help. Maybe the best thing you could do is offer him a ride to rehab if he ever wants it, but until then, put a lot of distance between the two of you. Let him hit the bottom and then find his way out on his own.

As a recovering addict I can tell you THE ONLY WAY we get better is to make the choice to get better for ourselves and then do the work required. It's a personal journey. Something that we have to figure out alone or with the help of other recovering addicts.

Keep us posted.

sandrawg

Yep-you're right. That was another whole secondary aspect to my anger. Like, why be in a relationship, if you're just going to ignore the other person's desires??

I've had some people tell me, "well, you can't try to change anyone." I never wanted to change him. I just wanted him to stop a self-destructive and potentially me-destructive behavior! He had his chance after the 1st incident and me expressing my boundaries, to tell me he couldn't or wouldn't stop. He chose to go along and wait another 5 months to do it again (and I'm assuming he's not lying and only did it those 2 times when we were together).

Oh, and then he did it AGAIN 3 days after we broke up.



ISo, felt like anything I said to him went in one ear and out the other. Just, not important. More justification for ending it for good, really.

ZombieWife

You love him. We get that. I posted on your other thread (and I'll warn you, it's very honest and harsh.) I'm not trying to make you hopeless, but you have to be willing to own your anger, to say, "hell yeah I have a RIGHT to be pissed!"

It's up to him. He knows what he did was wrong.

Some addicts COUNT on their loved ones feeling guilty, on backpedaling and questioning their most true/raw and passionate of emotions (anger is one of them!)

sandrawg

Yeah, I know I have a right to be angry but I don't like flying off the handle.

I just can't understand it. I keep thinking back now and second-guessing everything.

Like....I'm thinking back to this one night we went out, and he was acting so weird. I kept asking him if he was on something and he said no.

Another time, I had just come back from a business trip, and we were supposed to go out on a Sat. night. I couldn't get a hold of him all day. He calls me at 4p and tells me he was sleeping the whole time-just got up.

Now I wonder if he had done it the night before...

And, the time in April that he claims was only the 2nd time he did coke...I really don't think he was planning on confessing to me that he had done it.I had to push and pull and prod it out of him and finally he said, "You want to know the truth?"

I said "I always want to know the truth."

That's when he confessed.

i just don't even know the truth anymore.

ZombieWife

I've been there. I sit here sometimes and actually think, "why is it such a big deal if he does meth now and then? It's just a substance he puts in his body. Why am I such a bitch?" I actually think that, then I slap myself or I shake my head and say that it's ok to be angry.

I fly off the handle too, sometimes. I never thought I had it in me until I married an addict. I was always quiet, kind, polite. There were times when I didn't know whether I was coming or going.

I second guess.

And you never will fully know the truth, I think. When people do something they know is bad, it brings them shame to have to face it WITH another person. They'd rather do it in the dark, in a corner, or with people who do it too.

It brings back so many memories, reading your post. I didn't know what the truth was either. That led me through many bad things--snooping to FIND the truth, badgering until I thought I GOT the truth (which you never really get, IMHO.) Worrying, all the time worrying.

I'm still working on the, "accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can" mantra. I think many of us here feel that way quite a bit. Nobody ever gets it perfect. But, you can get help and have people to talk to and (hopefully) feel less alone in the world.

Whatever you decide, just make sure you take care of yourself and be kind and good to yourself.

sandrawg

Another thing I don't like about getting angry, is that it seems like that gives him ammunition to take the high ground, right? he can say I'm "freaking out on him." Makes me look like the bad guy

I would rather stay calm.

itisatruth

I don't think I'd be wrong if I say that many of us here have been there.....second guessing ourselves.....wondering if he/she was using, what we should have done, what we didn't do, what we could have done better, etc

So much of addiction does not make sense and we could literally spend the rest of our lives trying to make sense of it all or trying to fix it---if we let ourselves.

My hope for you, now that you know what you are dealing with, is that you will stick to what you KNOW is right for you and not fall into the pitfalls, whether he is your boyfriend or just your friend. Even in friendships, we can be vulnerable and hurt. Take care.

bluebelle

Have you read the stickies at the top of the page? Read "What Addicts Do," and "Let Me Fall."

You made a great decision when you gave him the ultimatum (no coke), and then stuck with it. You should be very proud of yourself for doing this. Remember, you didn't cause this, you can't control him, and you can't cure him. Tell yourself that over and over again several times a day.

Being with an addict, can drive you nuts. It will cause you to do things like get mad, when you think that you should remain calm. He is going to say all kinds of things that don't make sense, because he is an addict. He will lie. That's what addicts do. You won't be able to reason with someone in active addiction (believe me, I have tried). You have to listen to your gut, because you can't trust what he says. It will further confuse you when one thing is coming out of his mouth, but something else is happening. Trust your gut! You are feeling confused for a reason!

If you don't want to be with someone who is doing coke, that is o.k. You have a right to make that you boundary. It makes perfect sense to me. You are not being a "bad guy," because that is what you expect.