bookmiser

I'm at a loss here. I talk to my son every single dang day.
Most days he's in a good mood. Just checking in and chatting about
non important matters. Then out of the blue, manic.
He called yesterday morning kinda early. What's up?
I can tell he sounds down. He's been diagnosed bi-polar and
is on 4 different meds from a general physician. Not a psychiatrist.
Ativan, effexor, lithium, and trazadone.
My God! Why all these meds?
I've looked into them online and can see that they are relievers of
depression, panic, bi-polar disorder, ect. But....
Anyway, he started talking about not feeling good. I told him that
I had to go to work in a few hours and that I would call him back.
Before I even had a chance, he calls crying.
I ask where egf is (elderly girlfriend. also bi-polar, I might add)
He said she's working.
He was crying and saying the exact same things as the first call.
I told him that we'd already spoken and that I would call him back.
He said he doesn't remember speaking to me before. Then he asks if
I had to work today??????
I told him that he needs to go to the hospital and stay there and let
professionals deal with his illness. He doesn't want to go for so long, mom.
I get off the phone, shower, and leave for work. I call him on my way in.
Egf is there. Early. He said that he went upstairs to a neighbor (female)
and told her he was not well. She called egf and told her that he was
cutting himself. He's done this before. A few times.
I don't talk about it here. Idk why. I can't wrap my head around the fact that
my son cuts himself to gain control over himself. I have cried most of yesterday. I spoke to him 8 times yesterday. Begging him to just go to the hospital. Once I told him to put egf on the phone. I told her she needs to get him real help at a hospital.
She says he won't go and I can't make him go. She also informed me that
if people (me, I guess) would stop getting on him about work and getting a job...blah, blah, blah. I hung up on her.
Later when he called, he apologized about dragging me into his problems and said that everytime he and I talk, we argue about him being in bfe and not being somewhere where he can actually live a life. This man/child (27 in Nov.)
lives with a 37 yo woman who works to support them. He watches tv and sleeps most of the time. He also smokes pot when they can afford it.
I should be grateful, he says, that he's not still shooting heroin or smoking crack.
I don't want to turn my back on my son. I want him to get help. But....
I am powerless. I have to Let Go, Let God. Again.
Always back to step 1.
It seems that God is the only One that can lead him to a good path. I'm sick of tryin'. lol
Thanks for reading. Sorry it's so lengthy.
Hugs, prayers, and love to you all.

BayAreaPhoenix

:praying

cece

Aw ((((Linda))))

sometimes it seems like we never get relief from this problem of ours. We always have to be "working" it. I have spent many days back at step one. Usually after a stint of "Normal" behavior from my AS and I have started to treat him as if he isn't an addict. And then I get blind-sided by it and all my old reactions surface.
First I panic and think of ways to help. Then, I am angry that I've let my recovery go unchecked. Then I feel sorry for myself. ( Why do I have to deal with this when other parents don't?)
Not until this cycle runs can I seem to be aware enough to see I need to embrace step one again. Sometimes I go through those stages in minutes, (progress) and sometimes it takes days, but I am "So Glad!" that I do still get there. And I am happy to have friends who journey with me so I am here today:ghug
sigh.....
right there with you.:praying
Cathy

peaceteach

I understand both of your concerns for your grown sons, and am sending prayers your way to remember one day at a time. Easy for me to say today, I know, since my son is sober for today. I hope I remember to come here and get the reminders from you all about step one, letting go and letting God, and taking my focus off a situation that is out of my control, if and when the time comes. I am thankful to have these places already set up for me now so that I have a place I can go for a sanity check when life becomes insane and scary. Bookmiser, is there anything you can do today, anywhere you can go for a few hours, to get your mind off your son and find some relief?

bookmiser

Yeah, Peace. I have to go to work tonight. Helping with inventory.
I only have 1 as. Thank the Lord! I do have an adult daughter, though.
She brings me much joy and laughter. She reminds me of my sister.
Sweet, generous, and very naive. I just feel upset because I allow him
to call me crying and sounding desperate. Then when I give sound advice....
It's almost like, "Gosh, Linda. D*mned if ya do. D*mned if ya don't."
I sometimes dread answering my phone when he calls.
When he doesn't call, I feel the need to check in with him.
I think the reason I make sure that I talk to him everyday, is I hate
surprises. I want to know what's going on all the time with him.
He showed up with too many surprises and crisis's when he was in active addiction. I still can't relax and just let him live his way.
I'll be expecting a call in the middle of some night and something awful has happened. Heroin relapse, car wreck, murder/suicide. Just something horrible.
Like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think that's why I stay conected to him daily. No surprises. Even though it's starting to wear on my own serenity and peace. I think I need to step back for a few days. Just to get some clarity. Give him some. I told him last night that if his egf knows him so darn well, then she can clean up whatever comes their way. His response...
"I still need you to take me to the doctor next month when it's time for my refill on my 'scripts. Okay? She has to work."
Goodnight, Jay.
Maybe she should start adjusting her schedule for him. I'm done.
Thanks for letting me spew.
Hugs,

cmc

((((Linda))))
.
I hear you....and even when I know what it is I need to do, sometimes I just have to tell myself that it's okay to feel sad or upset, take some time to recover, regroup and face the day the best that I'm able to.
Here's a hug from one mom to another.

bluebelle

Prayers for you and your family.

I hope your son chooses to get the help that he needs. I know that this is very difficult for both you and him.

historyteach

(((Linda)))

Your advice to go to the hospital was good advice. It's too bad that he's not taking it. A general doc is not trained to care for bipolar. Maybe *after* a psychiatrist has them stabilized, then a general md can prescribe maintainance meds. But, they don't have the specialized training to do it themselves. Shame on that doc for taking liberties with your son like that! I hope that your son will get some real help soon.

Remember, if he becomes a danger to himself or others, you can have him committed for safty. If he talks about suicide - at all - CALL 911 right away. Please don't hesitate or think twice about it.

Oh, and yes, I still go back to Step 1, especially after a period of down time, just as cece said. And it's ok. It's about progress, not perfection, remember?

We're here for you...

Shalom!

greeteachday

Linda, Hey kiddo ...sorry he is still sucking you in. I know you don't want to turn your back on your son, and I really understand that. It helped me when I made it a boundary that phone conversations were not going to be about trouble. If they were, I would suddenly hear someone knocking on the door or a timer going off or another call coming in. Conversations became limited to non addiction; mental health; lack of work issues. Sometimes that kept things awfully short, but it helped me not to get sucked in and it helped our relationship. I know my advice isn't worth beans when my kid isn't ready to move forward. May as well talk to the wall. So keeping conversations upbeat and stressfree helped both of us I think. Hugs and lots of prayers for all of you.

ihatethis

I'm sorry you're going through this. My baby sister is a cutter and I understand the new element that brings. My thoughts are with you. I pray he agrees to get the help he needs.

bookmiser

Thank you all so much for your support. I went to the
grocery store and as I was carrying my load into the house,
my cell phone started ringing. Oh, well.
Just as I dropped the bags to the floor, the house phone rings.
Of course, I know it's him. We haven't talked today yet.
Says he doesn't remember yesterday at all.
Says he took all of his anxiety meds at once.
Oh yeah, he also got an oxy from someone. Says he doesn't know who.
Wtf?
I ask where egf is. She's in the house. She has a migraine.
Hmmmm. Wonder why? lol
This is not funny by any means. I'm not letting this new drama get
to me. It's bullsh*t, and I'm tired of it.
He says, after I tell him I'm late getting in the shower for work, that
"I know you don't care mom. Just go on your little blog and tell'em all
about me."
So here I am.

itisatruth

:ghug3

....and I'm so glad you did come back. Sending a virtual hug right now and prayers for you following as well. I pray the rest of your day, away from his drama, can be spent not worrying but thinking about things you can do for yourself and things that make you happier.

Done_With_It

Oh Gosh Linda..... I am so sorry.....

I can understand so much from both of your sides. I think you know I am bipolar and I am a cutter and have the eating disorder and the meth.
This month on the 14th I will have 2 years and 6 months free of my
meth, cutting, and bulimia. 2
But..... it's not easy... I guess I have what they call "Bipolar Spectrum"
I found out a lot more about it a few weeks ago, and why I have it, which
gives me a little less reason to feel guilty about it.

I can tell you 'for me' it is all about having the right meds. When I have the right meds, life is great, normal, the sun is shining, I will live until I am supposed to.
But when I don't it's rainy, dark, no one cares, and I hope I somehow die tomorrow.

I recently lost my meds because my doctor is a total ******* and decided I didn't need them. (Power Trip) And it scared me more than anything.
But I decided, okay, maybe I'm not really bipolar, maybe I can do this.
Within two weeks, I was hoping I would die.... I was dying for meth, I was thinking everyone would be better off without me, reading into everything.
But inside I knew.......

There's an internal struggle that you know what your thinking is wrong, but you don't know how to get better, and your pissed off because it should not be like this... It's not fair, and you feel ****** up and damaged like something is wrong with you....
It's hard to explain.
So cutting feels good, it's a relief, it's one of the only things that makes you feel normal. For a few minutes anyway. Just like the drugs, you need more and more and more.
And just the same, You want your Mom to make you feel normal.
Cuz that is what Moms do.
It's natural. Your born with your Mom, so when we do not feel normal, we gravitate to them.... And when they don't fix it, it is maddening. And the first thing that can pop out, when they don't fix it, is
I know you don't care....

lol, But we know that is not true......



On the flip side.... No matter how many tears we cry, no matter how bad it gets, this thing that happens, this thing that goes on with us, is bigger than you. It has to be the doctors who fix it.
The only thing you can do is sit back and let him figure it out, and if it gets to bad, call 911 and report him as a danger to himself.
My Mom would die for me, but she can't fix my bipolar, etc.
Her brother killed himself, suicide, but she cant take away my suicidal thoughts. She has to just let me deal with it.

I know I scared her recently because I accidentally let something slip that I usually don't. Still she couldn't do anything.

But..... What I know is that My Mom has enough Faith in me to let me fix myself.
Because one day she won't be here and so she lets me do it while she is by my side now. She did her job, so she is letting me spread my wings and fly now. If she kept them clipped I would not be able to fly.

Your an Amazing Mom, Just look at your daughter for proof. Your son will get through this.



As Always, Just My Experience

marle

Just sending some mom hugs and prayers. I know you already know what you have to do. Marle

rozied

Dear Linda, I read your post regarding your son & you mentioned all the medication he is on. You said he gets them from the family dr not a psychiatrist. I am an RN with my BS Degree plus I also know alot those kinds of drugs being I have had 14 major surgeries in 15 yrs. ( You also said he takes oxy from someone ) I don't know the dosage he is on or how often they are prescribed but it seems like a lot to me. If you are taking him to the dr is there any chance you can talk to the dr yourself ? Does the dr know about his cutting?
You have recieved alot of sound advice here as usual but I know you are still his mom and cannot help but be worried. My AS is almost 41 but he is still my child & I worry too.
Love,
Diane

marle

One thing that kind of sticks with me is the oxy. If he was an opiate addict and he is using oxy, he has already relapsed. Oxycontin is my daughter's DOC and she still prefers it to heroin because oxy is pure so it is easy to snort and get a quick high from. Hope he does not continue down that road. Hugs, Marle

deedee

(((Linda)))

I'm sorry you're hurting and I've been there too. It seems like the more we get sucked in, the harder it is to stop ... it's a vicious cycle. At one time, I also had to limit the phone conversations and the content, and found that the more I did that, the easier it became.

Loving prayers are with both you and your boy

lil516

Linda

I know how hard all of this is...
my son shares many of the same symptoms as your son (including the desire to cut)
he has been on many meds....whenever a meltdown occurred he often ended up on a psych ward....there the new attending doctor would try a new med but would be fearful of taking him off the old....
long story short he was on an unbelievable cocktail of mixed meds

just recently he changed doctors and this doctor said "whoa there" and put on the brakes....
now my son is gradually tapering and redefining which meds are actually helping (translation:needed) and which can be tapered further and stopped

a long process and one that requires medical supervision

since your son is agreeable to seeing a doctor and does willingly take the meds perhaps he could get in to see a psychiatrist rather than a general physician...the right meds under proper supervision can make a big difference

also...how can we ever thank DWI for the insight she gives to those of us who struggle to understand the disease of addiction...I read her reply to you in this thread and felt like so many of my questions were answered!

hope213

((((((((((((linda))))))))))) sending you a hug & just letting you know i understand. take care of you, that is what you need right now.prayers for you both.

Lobo

(((((Linda)))))

I know how frustrating all of this can be. You want to let go but you know the problem is mental illness and requires a lot of help. My daughter takes bi polar meds and sees a therapist and a pdoc. It took a while to get on the right meds. I remember talking to you about the lithium. Well, it turns out that is really helping her. She actually feels normal she said. Her pdoc said she doesn't need to see her for 3 months. She sees her therapist every 2 weeks. Sounds like the combination of drugs that he is prescribed along with the oxy really took him over the edge.

Can you convince him to see a pdoc? His pcp should recommend one.

Take care and give yourself the time and space that you need. It night be good for both of you.

Luv ya.........Lo