Just an update on life...

Old 05-03-2008, 09:39 PM
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Just an update on life...

I've not checked in here for quite some time, been just sorting things out and really doing soul searching, discovering the meaning of life and all of that happy hoo ha.

It has been a very trying year, but am better for it really. The lessons I have learned and advice I have been given in this place has been key in everything. Which is why I feel compelled to give an update.

God seems to have thrown me a bone and everything is right with the world at this point. I am doing everything that a co-dependent needs to be doing and my recovering alcoholic seems to be doing what he is supposed to be doing. It is amazing how things work when you follow the rules on the road to recovery.

I'm not saying that all is perfect, all is 100% okay, because that is just foolish and delusional when in a relationship that has revolved around addiction for the better part of it. What I'm saying is that the solutions proposed through AA and solutions towards dealing with co-dependency, really do work when you follow the rules, and don't try and make your own up or cut corners as you go along.

I am quite pleased to have a mutual understanding with my recovering A, that we are starting from square one, building back from the bottom up. I've left him alone to deal with his recovery and he's left me alone to deal with mine as a cody. I think the best thing that both of us has done is to start with the concept that of what we had in our relationship was a complete and utter fallacy. Now the work has started to determine if we really like each other in our changed state, and if we ever really loved each other to begin with or if we just liked the idea of having someone to be in love with. (if that makes any sense)

I feel so obnoxiously mentally healthy that it probably makes many want to vomit. lol I'm just happy. I know I'm good no matter what gets thrown my way. I like the fact that I no longer feel guilty about what I choose to do on any given day. I like the fact even more that my recovering A doesn't play mind games to even put me in the position to feel guilty. And it's not a game he is playing, because we all know how alcoholics can manipulate, I think he's truly found some peace with himself and a happy place he has to go with his recovery group that I am not at all a part of. He has his own thing. I have my friends, that are just a godsend, and I'm actually loving my job, not just merely tolerating it.

Life is GOOD! There are a ton more good things and bad things that are really good things that I could spend days typing out. I'm going to be a grandmother! Not the most ideal of situations as my son is only 16, but for some strange reason I feel great joy at the thought of a baby. Possibly it's a clean slate, a whole new beginning and such. But I digress.....

The intent of this post was to give hope. Not even to give hope that all will be fine and rosey living with an alcoholic, that is still yet to be determined in the pages of my life story. The meaning is that if you follow all of the irritating, pain in the neck rules that are written in books, preached in meetings and the like, it really does work. You find your way to a much better place. I've learned this through many years of trying to pick and choose what guidelines I wanted to follow, life didn't turn around for me until I embraced all the rules. And those rules suck! BUT what a difference they do make!
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Old 05-03-2008, 10:04 PM
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Thank you so very much for this post tonight.....It is so great to hear how life can become more joyful when 2 people in a relationship are working on their "issues", and moving forward!

Yeah!!! For you and your family!!!!

Shivaya
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Old 05-03-2008, 10:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
Thank you so very much for this post tonight.....It is so great to hear how life can become more joyful when 2 people in a relationship are working on their "issues", and moving forward!

Yeah!!! For you and your family!!!!

Shivaya
We've not actually broached our combined issues. Not nearly ready for that. I get told often that we need to do couples counseling, but I'm really just not ready for that. At this point, it would do more harm than good, rubbing salt into open wounds and such. We're just in the initial stages of trying to be kind and respectful of each other. I'd probably tear his face off if I had to sit through a therapy session and have him say anything remotely negative about me. lol BUT, it is on the plate for the future. I'm addressing my faults on my own at the moment and he's doing the same I guess. I don't pry into his dealings with himself.

All I know is that things seem to be falling in to place, and my kids are happy. It's been a long hard freakin road, and we're still at mile marker one, but I like myself more, and am pleased with how I'm actually being able to change my mindset from being a know it all, control freak, to being someone who can step back and put great thought and positive action towards changing what isn't working in my life.

If I can do it ANYONE can and I think everyone on here will, in their own time, find their peace and happy place in life. I am grateful for the misery as well, because I'd truly not appreciate the calm in my life if it weren't for the craptastic hell I've lived through for so many years. Know what I'm saying?
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Old 05-03-2008, 10:57 PM
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BTW, the change in my mindset is due in great part to so many folks on here pissing me off and telling me what I really didn't want to hear. So for anyone I've been snitty to, you were probably dead on with your advice, and I thank you ALL so very much. I see myself in all of you. From the first poster who's asking the initial "what the hell do I do?" to the old school veterans who seem to have it all figured out. This place truly is a God send and I'm grateful beyond explanation that this forum is here.
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Old 05-04-2008, 03:46 AM
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Awesome post, Hmbld. Very well said. Congrats on your "new" outlook and the peace it is bringing into your lives

And I totally agree about following ALL the rules obediantly and without trying to add my own "twist" or plans. I stumbled into SR last December and found the substance abusers' forum at a most appropriate time (thanks, HP!) regarding my son's drug addiction. Because I had been through the experience of having a loved one in addiction (ex-alcoholic husband) I was very quick to read all the parents' stories and see my own situation. I proceeded from day one to follow all advice and trust that I was doing the best thing for my son in the long run by detaching and getting the focus back on myself. Life has been so much better since then!

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Old 05-04-2008, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by hmbld View Post
If I can do it ANYONE can and I think everyone on here will, in their own time, find their peace and happy place in life. I am grateful for the misery as well, because I'd truly not appreciate the calm in my life if it weren't for the craptastic hell I've lived through for so many years. Know what I'm saying?
Yes, I do know what you are saying. Thank you so much for saying this because you just helped me realize their is hope and joyous days ahead for me and things for me can only get better.
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Old 05-08-2008, 04:17 PM
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Hmbld, I guess the big difference in our stories is that my ah is not in recovery (or at least not what I think of as recovery). He is "moderating" his drinking, but still does drink excessively on occassion.

Originally Posted by hmbld View Post
I get told often that we need to do couples counseling, but I'm really just not ready for that. At this point, it would do more harm than good, rubbing salt into open wounds and such.
The above is food for thought for me. My AH and I are having a very difficult time communicating (nothing new for us, he was always drunk and I just didn't have the desire/energy to fight with a drunk).

Every time we try to communicate, we end up in a huge argument. Definitely not productive communication. So, our plan is to go to marriage counseling to have a "mediator" in the room when we discuss "hot" issues.

Originally Posted by hmbld View Post
We're just in the initial stages of trying to be kind and respectful of each other.
I can relate to this! Why is it so much work to be kind/respectfull to my ah?
And for him to be kind/respect. of me? Why are we kinder to strangers than we are to our own spouses?

I think I just answered my own questions....because the history is not there with strangers. Strangers have not hurt us emotionally, physically, or otherwise.

Hmbld, thanks for making me use my brain!

Shivaya

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Old 05-08-2008, 09:39 PM
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WOW! What a fabulous post! Thank you so much for sharing.....

I too have come along way in reent months.....by changing some of my own behaviours it has made an immense difference to not just my own happiness but my A H's behavious and we are all so much calmer and happier :0)

I am still learning and still have a long way to go but we are on the right road.

Shivaya with the communication (or lack of)...you sound like you are where we were about 6 months ago! My husband and I have learned to communicate with kindness and respectability.....we did this by attending several very difficult sessions with my husbands physcologist! Immensly hard to walk through the door but I am so so glad we did as we wouldn't be where we are today if we hadn't.....

We still both have a long way to go but life is generally happy and we really look forward to the weekends instead of dreading them as we had for a long time......

I wish everyone well on their continued journey...

Again thank you for sharing it was great to read your experience :0)

All the best PHIZ :0)
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Old 05-09-2008, 04:42 AM
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Originally Posted by hmbld View Post
BTW, the change in my mindset is due in great part to so many folks on here pissing me off and telling me what I really didn't want to hear.
LOL! Isnt' that the truth!

I'm so glad you posted - I love stories of codie recovery!
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Old 05-17-2008, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Shivaya View Post
The above is food for thought for me. My AH and I are having a very difficult time communicating (nothing new for us, he was always drunk and I just didn't have the desire/energy to fight with a drunk).

Every time we try to communicate, we end up in a huge argument. Definitely not productive communication. So, our plan is to go to marriage counseling to have a "mediator" in the room when we discuss "hot" issues.


Shivaya, it is IMPOSSIBLE to communicate with a drunk. Don't even try. When he's drinking, go off and do something that makes you happy. You have no idea how much better it feels when you just get on with your own life and leave the alcoholic on his own. It is so incredibly hard to do that, but the more you just do for you and not for them, you start getting the hang of it.

I'm not even ready for a mediator. I'd probably wind up telling the mediator to **** off, and that wouldn't be very constructive at all. lol
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Old 05-17-2008, 05:43 PM
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Some other positive updates..

My job just gets better and better. I've formed an extremely close bond with my boss. She is an amazing individual who keeps me humbled when it comes to all I've had to deal with. She's lost two son's. One to suicide several years ago and one to a car accident. She's managed to keep her sanity and grow as a person. If she can do it, I most certainly can. We have the same work ethic and life ethic. I look forward to going to work every day. Okay, well not every day, but most days. lol

I don't think it was an accident that we have come in to each other's lives. I am able to greatly decrease her work and stress load, which is what she desperately needs, and she is giving me perspective, and knowledge. Her big motto is "Pay it forward" every time I thank her for anything, she says, "don't thank me, just pay it forward". Which is what I try and do.
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