11d

I just have to vent. We are remodeling a masterbath room right now. The closet needed to be painted. I could not find a painter. SO I brought everything home to paint. My AH, who at the present time has switched his addiction to deer hunting!, worked ALL day on a deer stand. I didn't mind or say anything. But when he finished he came in and saw me painting. Never once offered to help. This whole time we have been remodeling....he has been building a deer stand! THere is sheet rock, lumber, nails, insulation,....everywhere. He doesn't see the need to help me pick up. It is always about him and what is important to him. Like I have no interest in anything else. I was put on this earth to do all the things he doesn't want to do! I just feel that the sooner we paint, the sooner I can move all my clothes out of the LIVING ROOM! When my parents came over my mom asked why he wasn't helping. He said he didn't like to paint! The selfishness just can be so overwhelming. I didn't say anything to him. I am so tired of this. I have no social life, no personal connection to him, sick of deer, deer stands, watching deer on T.V., and NO SEX LIFE!, nothing,....I am sorry.... I just needed to vent!

funkzter

Hi 11,

Can feel & understand your frustration...addicts indeed can be selfish. So my advise is, if ever he asks you to cook or something else just answer "i don't like cooking" and put your feets up.
We need to teach those guys ahahaha!

Seriously though, i hope he stops focusing on deers and pay you more attention as you deserve it. By the way, if you can get out of the house and take a break like go on holidays or at some friends' place for pampering go for it. It'll make him think that you can do it without him around.

good luck
x
Carine

BayAreaPhoenix

(((11d)))

I know what you mean. I did actually get to the point in the last year to year and a half and did pretty much what funkzter said - not cook dinner. He would just say, he didn't care, he can fix himself something - he was happy with hotdogs, mac&cheese and hamburger helper. Hard to make an impact with that kind of diet - and what the heck did I learn to cook for anyhow?

Here's one of my favorites for you (and believe me, I have loads of similar): My "surprise" birthday party. It's November, and while there's a chance it can be warm in No. Cal in November, it's pretty much right before Thanksgiving and the evenings are definitely too cold. So, my best friend arrived at midnight our time (3:00 a.m. for her), we're up at 7:00 a.m. our time, and it was time to clean house, rearrange, run to the next town to get beer, wine, water & sodas, etc. Mind you, he thought he'd do all this without my help. Half the neighbors came, apparently doing the beverage runs and keeping it in their garages did not occur. Anyhow, so the day goes, we are having fun, but getting tired. We get home from all our errands - the house still needs to be vacuumed, plates set out, linens, etc. Do you know what he's doing? He's vacuuming the garage and the flower beds out back! I kid you not! Yep. Vacuuming the garage has always been his way of helping me get ready for company. I went to the grocery, prepped, cleaned, cooked, set the table, etc. He might clear the dishes if it was impressive and would be noticed, but not much else. They are amazing!

Good luck with painting and getting your clothes back in your closet.

serenityqueen

Have you came right out and said,"Hey, DEER, I need some help here."

I have come to the conclusion that men can turn their heads in a 180 degree angle so they don't have to see what's right in front of them.

But seriously, I'm a recovering Addict/Alcoholic and I have to admit, when I start a new project, I throw myself completely into it. I go at it until it's done. I will wear myself out. When I was using, I would start so many projects and lose interest in a heartbeat.

I can imagine your frustration. Is this something that the two of you discussed before everything was bought? If so, I think you need to remind him that things were discussed before hand and he needs to get in there and help. Make your point, stand your ground and then, walk away. Let it sink in.

I agree that you need to start finding things to do that YOU enjoy. Take time for you. I'm sure there is some kind of hobby/craft/interest that you have had and just haven't taken the time for you to discover and enjoy. Take the time now!

I just thought of something. Isn't deer season not until around Thanksgiving?

God Bless & thank God at least he isn't using or drinking. Count your Blessings, things could be a hell of a lot worse.

Judy

bluebelle

One thing I have learned from others here is that it is important that you ask for what you need. I have found that I expect others to know what I need, but that's not enough. I need to open my mouth and state exactly what I need.

hope213

i understand how you feel but what comes to mind is at least he is home or hunting. he is doing things that maybe help keep him clean.i also agree, why not tell him how you feel? maybe he will pitch right in. the male thing is addict or no addict they usually do not do things without being ask(told).

helpus

I am soo smiling at your analogy..."I was put on this earth to do the things he doesn't want to do"

ZombieWife

I remember when I was trying to get our home clean and organized for when the baby came. Who do you think did all the painting (at 8 months pregnant,) all the moving, arranging of furniture? When I went into labor, I still wasn't 100% finished and the living room was a mess with boxes everywhere that he was supposed to take out into the garage because they were too heavy. I just wanted to have a safe, clean place for me and the baby. I wanted boxes gone so I didn't have to trip. I wanted the baby's room organized and ready to go.

After I had the baby and was in the hospital (for 3 days--I had a C-section,) what do you think he did those 3 days besides sleep off his drug of choice? He said he would "take care of everything." He vacuumed the floors then shampooed the carpet. Yeah. That apparently took him 3 days with some home-system he borrowed from his neighbor. He bitched and moaned about how much HIS back hurt and how HE was in pain and how TERRIBLE of an ordeal it was. HI, I just went through HAVING A BABY.

So, I come home to a carpet that stunk of wet dog (because home-jobs like that usually turn out terrible.) The carpet was still wet and boxes everywhere. Furthermore, the baby's room was not set up. And he's standing there waiting for me to be excited about the frackin' carpet? To top it off, every time we saw a family member that came to see the baby, he would go on and on about how he spent 3 days doing the damn carpet, while they're standing around because there's nowhere to sit (read: boxes above.)

The day I got home, I was the one organizing and cleaning and arranging so I had a clear path from the baby's room to the kitchen to the living room. Me. Who still had stitches and pain and swelling and was functioning on a severe case of sleep deprivation. Meanwhile, he took a nap, pleased as punch that he got the carpet wet and smelly.

Now, after that LONG vent, I'm not sure it's an addict thing so much as a guy addict thing. Sorry fellas if you're reading this.

"I don't like to paint?" What the heck? "I don't like doing the dishes, cleaning the toilet, doing the laundry, picking up your socks off the living room floor, making dinner every night, and watching your stupid man-shows on the Discovery channel."

Doesn't like to paint. Hmmm....

:sorry

lil516

"I was put on this earth to do the things he doesn't want to do"

OMG...who here can not relate to that!!(and I'm not even directing it to the addict in my life)

11d

Yes....Deer season starts the day after Thanksgiving! His addiction when I had my last child was COWS! When I was in labor, he left to go to Barns and Noble for a book on COWS! I was ready to deliver and they made me wait for him to get back! Right when he walked in the room, I was delivering! The addiction to drugs does not necessarily start with the drugs. I realize he had an addictive personality through all of this and it was there when I met him! And yes....I too, set up my babybed and hung the curtains, set up the baby's room,....at 8 months pregnant and was working full time to support his unemployed ass while he was in anesthesia school (Which of course he could not work! yeah....right!). I can go on and on about the selfish-addictive personality that goes with chemical addiction. BUT the difference now is that I recognize my faults and my codependent personality that allowed all of these things to take place that affected me! It is harder, in a way, now because I see the part I play. And I see his addictive personality that I cannot change. WOW!!! I have come a long way! Now, the question is.... DO I want to stay in this type of relationship?! I promise to give it 1 year! It is now 6 months!

cen616

I do think some of it is just a guy thing...watch any family sit-com and you see the same pattern: Mature and responsible wife, husband that acts about 12 (obsesses about his own thing, avoids work, manipulates and sneaks around to do "fun" stuff, acts like a baby when he's sick). There is always that mommy-son dynamic exploited for humor.

Not that all men are like that, and some do it to a lesser or greater extent, but stereotypes exist for a reason. Addicts just turn it up a few hundred notches.

rozied

I can hear your frustration. You know no matter who we choose to live with we have to accept them as they are. Only you can know what you can or can't live with. I have been married 24 yrs this Nov & if I want to do something I have to start & I invite my hubby, if he wants to go or help or whatever I have to accept it.
I hear you when you say you just needed to vent..........vent away.... thats why we are here!
Love,
Diane

ZombieWife

11d, girlfriend, if you lived near me, I would have been there helping you paint the baby's room and organize, even if I was 8 months pregnant, too!

Good grief. A book on cows?

It's funny. It's a sad funny, but still funny.

I'm convinced that women are just made of the toughest metal in the universe and that some men are nothing more than mere aluminum. Fellas, I don't mean disrespect. I think there are MANY men out there who are utterly awesome and if you are one of those men, then you need to clone yourselves and sell the copies to people like us, ok? Seriously....

cows! carpet!

Fah!

bluebelle

The cow thing is funny..it is so sad that it is funny. I was thinking about your cow story all day!

imallright

Hon, I can relate. Like the others, not sure if it's a guy thing or an addiction thing, but do know that I have other men in my life (father, brothers, etc) and some of them are responsible and get things done.

I laughed, but almost cried, when I read about your bathroom. I too have a half finished room at the top of my stairs that USED to be a bathroom. It has been more than 18 months now and he "has been too busy". Every time I make arrangements for someone to come into finish... he blows up. So, there it sits... but not for much longer... he's leaving soon... with any luck... and then I am finally going to get things finished.

One of the other posts talked about many projects started and never finished. I can sooooo relate. Man, he is focused when it comes to his addictions... just can't seem to aim that focus on anything else.

Find a good carpenter and go for it!

Have a good day... off to repair a hole in the wall... another one of those unfinished, false starts!

11d

Okey day 5, still not helping with the bathroom painting! The cabinets will be installed tomorrow. I am so frustrated. He made an ugly comment saying I was part of the construction crew....which is all men. I was ticked...I told him if he see about things, then I would not have to. I reminded him of his agreement. Still says he is not a painter! I am just so frustrated. The wall between us is getting stronger and stronger. I know he is still clean because of drug tests he has to have. But there is just no faith/trust. I always see strange numbers on the cell phone bill from his phone. BUt this time I see the same one over and over. He got a text at 1am from this number. So I called it. A woman answered. It makes me just not trust him more.

BayAreaPhoenix

(((11d)))

I don't get the "I'm not a painter" thing. So what? Are you? We just do what we have to do - it's called being a grown-up. Rhetorical questions from me all around these days. Apparently this week my patience with these prima-donnas is non-existent. Can't close refrigerator doors, can't pick up a paint-brush, etc.... Can't - or WON'T? Will it mess up their manicure???

So he's clean, but doesn't sound like much Recovery work going on. 1 a.m. texting? Strange women? Does anyone on that construction crew look like a cute, sane and healthy fellow?

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Feel proud of yourself and your ability to do what needs to be done - wielding paintbrushes and all! I know it makes me feel good when I do that kind of stuff.

Keep working on your from the inside too! You're doing great!

:ghug3

painter

From where I sit most men are all alike. My comeback to the man who won't do the painting is "you ain't the painter, or the painter's son. but you do the painting til the painter comes" Doesn't get them up off their arse but it makes me smile while I pick the paint brush up. LOL

NoelleR

I wanted to hit a couple of points here.....

1) "...So he's clean, but doesn't sound like much Recovery work going on..." --- not recovery to me either.....BUT.....I always chuckle (to myself mostly) when folks decide/define recovery.....like, a person is in recovery/recovered/recovering if.....they're kind, loving, other-centered.....etc. Yes, that's usually the point of the steps, but for me, I figure I only get to define recovery/recovered/recovering for ME. If a person is abstinant, and happy and content with their life, and say they're in recovery/recovered/recovering, well......THEY ARE.....Yes, they may be A-holes, but then that could just be them.......there really are such things as sober horsethiefs. When I was newly sober, I met a man who was sober 35 years.....he was happy, content, serene........and he was a.................pimp. AAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKK; not my definition of recovery, but that wasn't my call.

2) Izzit an addiction thing; izzit a guy thing; izzit it a (non)recovery thing.....? Personally I see it as a human thing. Unfortunately there are some folks out there who are selfish, and nothing's gonna change them. Drinking/using or not drinking/using, they're just jerks.....I was told once, by a social worker who'd glanced at the psychologist's notes on my MMPI tests, that I had issues with my father (who was dead at the time). You see, in all the questions regarding my father, I'd answered the same way.....like in the fill-in-the-blank....: my father is/was_________ an ******* (pardon my language). I looked at the social worker and said....., "No, I don't have any issues with my father. He WAS an ******* (again, sorry). There are lots of @#$%% (you know) in this world; unfortunately, some of them happen to be our relatives." ...... (o:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that this guy may fall into that category of @#$%^, whether drunk or sober.....it's a shame, but sometimes that's the way the world works. Being selfish, although often a trait of active users, is just the way some folks are.....some folks get into recovery and their 'addictive' selfishness leaves them.....and some folks are just selfish, regardless.....let's put the blame where it belongs.....on the person and not on addiction/recovery.

Good luck on your bathroom.......wanna come and do some work for me.....I not only don't like vacuuming, laundry, and doing dishes....I now find that my back is so bad that after 10 minutes of any of these chores, and I'm in excrutiating pain......grrrrrr getting old just ain't no fun...........


NoelleR

11d

Thanks........ never thought of it that way. I guess I was not getting this recovery thing for him. I thought he would be happy, giving, more intimate, less selfish,...... working his program. Maybe this is him... not the addiction. OR what is left because of the addiction and the chemical imbalances it causes. Maybe this is him and I saw him differently 6 years ago when he started his addiction. I know I have changed.
I tried talking again this morning and addressing our relationship. He says he is trying to deal with himself. I didn't ask about the text message. It is kind of sad, but in a way I think if he was having a relationship with someone else....it would be my way out!.... I'll give it a year. I am just so afraid.