Struggling with AH's Infidelity
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Struggling with AH's Infidelity
Hi,
I'm struggling with my AH's infidelities. Until recently, I never referred to them as an infidelity or cheating on me. I associated them with his alcoholism. Like him, I rationalized....if he wouldn't have been drinking, he would not have pursued those women. Maybe he wouldn't have, and maybe he would.
We continue to be separated and are working on our individual recovery programs. He's been sober for five months, is active in AA. I'm also working hard on this painful process, but I am growing and I am learning.
I supported my husband, stood by him, believed in him and hoped after with each incident....he'll never do that again. He sees the pain that his behaviors have caused me, and he'll never do that again. He'll never take the risk of losing me.
Through 20 years of marriage, they occured sporadically.....the incidents that I know about. Some would say that once is enough.....twice? three times? five?..........I forgave him of the inappropriate and immoral acts but I never forgot. I buried the pain and built a tolerance for inappropriate behaviors. After all, he pursued these women, I learned through friends and his own carelessness, but he tells me that they never said YES. Infidelity? Yes....absolutely. I realize that now.
The incident that occured five months ago pushed me to the edge and I cannot find my way back. I've never felt secure or cherished in my relationship with my husband. I pray to God to guide me in the direction that he has planned for me, for my husband and for our three children.
Thanks for listening. This is not easy for me to dicuss, but I trust and respect the members of this forum. I appreciate your feedback.
S
I'm struggling with my AH's infidelities. Until recently, I never referred to them as an infidelity or cheating on me. I associated them with his alcoholism. Like him, I rationalized....if he wouldn't have been drinking, he would not have pursued those women. Maybe he wouldn't have, and maybe he would.
We continue to be separated and are working on our individual recovery programs. He's been sober for five months, is active in AA. I'm also working hard on this painful process, but I am growing and I am learning.
I supported my husband, stood by him, believed in him and hoped after with each incident....he'll never do that again. He sees the pain that his behaviors have caused me, and he'll never do that again. He'll never take the risk of losing me.
Through 20 years of marriage, they occured sporadically.....the incidents that I know about. Some would say that once is enough.....twice? three times? five?..........I forgave him of the inappropriate and immoral acts but I never forgot. I buried the pain and built a tolerance for inappropriate behaviors. After all, he pursued these women, I learned through friends and his own carelessness, but he tells me that they never said YES. Infidelity? Yes....absolutely. I realize that now.
The incident that occured five months ago pushed me to the edge and I cannot find my way back. I've never felt secure or cherished in my relationship with my husband. I pray to God to guide me in the direction that he has planned for me, for my husband and for our three children.
Thanks for listening. This is not easy for me to dicuss, but I trust and respect the members of this forum. I appreciate your feedback.
S
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Hi Sarah,
I can feel your pain in this and my heart goes out to you. Infidelity is devastating.
I was struck by what you said about never feeling cherished and secure in your relationship.
I felt those exact feelings in my relationship which is a lot of the reason why I ended it. I feel that I deserve to cherished and secure in a relationship and you do too. The alcoholic can have all the rationalizations in the world for why he was unfaithful but bottom line infidelity is devastation for trust and I would certainly find that hard to get over.
Good for you that you are seperated and working a program of recovery. Your higher power will giude you on the right road, you are already on it.
Personally I don't believe alcoholism is a reason for infidelity, the individual is going to do it or not drunk or sober.
The important thing is you in this and to not internalize your husbands behaviour as being something to do with you. It's HIM.
Ngaire
I can feel your pain in this and my heart goes out to you. Infidelity is devastating.
I was struck by what you said about never feeling cherished and secure in your relationship.
I felt those exact feelings in my relationship which is a lot of the reason why I ended it. I feel that I deserve to cherished and secure in a relationship and you do too. The alcoholic can have all the rationalizations in the world for why he was unfaithful but bottom line infidelity is devastation for trust and I would certainly find that hard to get over.
Good for you that you are seperated and working a program of recovery. Your higher power will giude you on the right road, you are already on it.
Personally I don't believe alcoholism is a reason for infidelity, the individual is going to do it or not drunk or sober.
The important thing is you in this and to not internalize your husbands behaviour as being something to do with you. It's HIM.
Ngaire
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
just some thoughts
Infidelity - I always took it so badly. It wasn't the sex act, it was the lies and betrayal, the disrespect. The kind of guys I used to choose were drinkers and womanizers. Maybe it goes with the immature selfishness thing so many of them have, not all of course.
IF things progress in both your programs to the point that you are considering trying again, these issues will need addressed. I have read that infidelity can be overcome through counselling, for some people. You both have too much to do right now but in the future, you may come to the point where you want to work on this one, too.
One last thing - when I was divorcing my former husband, I went to a state clinic to have an AIDS test - just general principles, I was going back into circulation, wanted to make sure any past indiscretions were not coming back to haunt me. Well - the state was cutting back, no free AIDS test unless you had a reason to think you may have been exposed. Guess what, being married to an alcoholic was a qualifier. The state thought As were liable to be unfaithful, too. It must be common.
IF things progress in both your programs to the point that you are considering trying again, these issues will need addressed. I have read that infidelity can be overcome through counselling, for some people. You both have too much to do right now but in the future, you may come to the point where you want to work on this one, too.
One last thing - when I was divorcing my former husband, I went to a state clinic to have an AIDS test - just general principles, I was going back into circulation, wanted to make sure any past indiscretions were not coming back to haunt me. Well - the state was cutting back, no free AIDS test unless you had a reason to think you may have been exposed. Guess what, being married to an alcoholic was a qualifier. The state thought As were liable to be unfaithful, too. It must be common.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Sarah
I believe that there are some bridges in a relationship that can be burned beyond repair. Frequent infidelity is one of those bridges for me. I believe that we should all set high standards for ourselves. You deserve a relationship in which you are cherished and valued. I hope that you find it. I'm sorry that you have had to deal with all this. I find it a most unfair set of circumstances.
Wherever you go from here...whether it is with him, or without him... BE PARTICULAR.
Hugs and
Peace,
Gabe
Wherever you go from here...whether it is with him, or without him... BE PARTICULAR.
Hugs and
Peace,
Gabe
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
You deserve more
Sarah,
First of all I love your name, That is my sister-in-laws name.
Second of all I must agree with Gabe that infidelity is a big line to cross and repeatedly is worse. Weather he was drunk or not that is a line should never be crossed. I believe you are very faithful for if you weren't you wouldn't be throwing stones. You deserve a relationship where your partner takes your vows as serious as you do. We all deserve to be loved!! We DON"T deserve to be taken advantaged of. You'r trust has been seriously abused by someone who you probably thought never would.
I will keep you in my prayers and in the meantime you need to realize that you are worth more and being taken adavntage of is not fair to you!! Lots of Love and Hugs sent in your direction.
maryl
First of all I love your name, That is my sister-in-laws name.
Second of all I must agree with Gabe that infidelity is a big line to cross and repeatedly is worse. Weather he was drunk or not that is a line should never be crossed. I believe you are very faithful for if you weren't you wouldn't be throwing stones. You deserve a relationship where your partner takes your vows as serious as you do. We all deserve to be loved!! We DON"T deserve to be taken advantaged of. You'r trust has been seriously abused by someone who you probably thought never would.
I will keep you in my prayers and in the meantime you need to realize that you are worth more and being taken adavntage of is not fair to you!! Lots of Love and Hugs sent in your direction.
maryl
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
You deserve more
Sarah,
First of all I love your name, That is my sister-in-laws name.
Second of all I must agree with Gabe that infidelity is a big line to cross and repeatedly is worse. Weather he was drunk or not that is a line should never be crossed. I believe you are very faithful for if you weren't you wouldn't be throwing stones. You deserve a relationship where your partner takes your vows as serious as you do. We all deserve to be loved!! We DON"T deserve to be taken advantaged of. You'r trust has been seriously abused by someone who you probably thought never would.
I will keep you in my prayers and in the meantime you need to realize that you are worth more and being taken adavntage of is not fair to you!! Lots of Love and Hugs sent in your direction.
maryl
First of all I love your name, That is my sister-in-laws name.
Second of all I must agree with Gabe that infidelity is a big line to cross and repeatedly is worse. Weather he was drunk or not that is a line should never be crossed. I believe you are very faithful for if you weren't you wouldn't be throwing stones. You deserve a relationship where your partner takes your vows as serious as you do. We all deserve to be loved!! We DON"T deserve to be taken advantaged of. You'r trust has been seriously abused by someone who you probably thought never would.
I will keep you in my prayers and in the meantime you need to realize that you are worth more and being taken adavntage of is not fair to you!! Lots of Love and Hugs sent in your direction.
maryl
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Sarah -
I read your post and the replies to it. Left the forum came back, left again and now came back to reply. I tried sitting on my hands, but it just did not work.
So here goes. This is a very hard subject, it involves hurt and pain that goes deep in our hearts. I know because I have been there. Not with a husband but with my SO. During our using days (we are both sober now close to 8 years) we used together and he cheated on me alot. And I cheated with him when he was married to someone else. Today as a sober person in recovery, I would never do anything like that to him or to anyone else if I was single. In no way an I defending your husband, what he has done and what I did was WRONG and there is no getting around that. When I put a substance be it alcohal or drugs into my body it changes who I am, it changes the morals that I have, it changes the respect I have for myself, and if I have no respect for myself, I can't have it for others.
But the forgiviness has to come from with in you. What I was taught by a very wise man in recovery that ran the rehab I was in was that I was not angry and resentful to my SO because I feel in love with him, not the person he is when he uses drugs, do you understand what I mean? I was angry and resentful more at myself for allowing myself to be treated and disrespected in that way. And in my situation, my self loathing led me to hurt another woman in that way and I will forever carry that with me.
Once you work through the anger and resentment that you may be feeling for yourself (just my thoughts here) you may then be able to decide how you feel about him and what he did.
does that make sense to you? What I have learned in recovery, is that everythign starts with me. Forgiving myself first opens the path to forgive others. When I say forgive I dont' mean forgive and take him back, that is an entire different subject, I just mean forgive him to release the hurt from your heart.
In the past few years I have remembered situations as a child where I was abused my others. I have worked through my anger by forgiving them for what they did to me. That does not excuse what they did, but it helps me to let go of my pain and hurt.
I hope I helped you in some way. The subject of infidelity is big with me and I feel very strongly about how we deal with it, obviously because what I have been through and what I have done myself in my past.
The last time I posted this on an open forum, I got slammed by a SR member for my honesty. I hope that does not happen this time. I am who I am today because of how I have dealt with my past.
Sarah - I am done rambling on now, I just wanted to say one more time, forgive yourself first, try to stop punishing yourself for taking him back, you did what you had to do at the time. If you let go of the anger you feel for yourself, you will walk through this easier.
I am sending you HUGE hugs of support. And I hope that my post has not offeneded you or anyone else.
With the lenght of this post I should call it my book LOL!
I read your post and the replies to it. Left the forum came back, left again and now came back to reply. I tried sitting on my hands, but it just did not work.
So here goes. This is a very hard subject, it involves hurt and pain that goes deep in our hearts. I know because I have been there. Not with a husband but with my SO. During our using days (we are both sober now close to 8 years) we used together and he cheated on me alot. And I cheated with him when he was married to someone else. Today as a sober person in recovery, I would never do anything like that to him or to anyone else if I was single. In no way an I defending your husband, what he has done and what I did was WRONG and there is no getting around that. When I put a substance be it alcohal or drugs into my body it changes who I am, it changes the morals that I have, it changes the respect I have for myself, and if I have no respect for myself, I can't have it for others.
But the forgiviness has to come from with in you. What I was taught by a very wise man in recovery that ran the rehab I was in was that I was not angry and resentful to my SO because I feel in love with him, not the person he is when he uses drugs, do you understand what I mean? I was angry and resentful more at myself for allowing myself to be treated and disrespected in that way. And in my situation, my self loathing led me to hurt another woman in that way and I will forever carry that with me.
Once you work through the anger and resentment that you may be feeling for yourself (just my thoughts here) you may then be able to decide how you feel about him and what he did.
does that make sense to you? What I have learned in recovery, is that everythign starts with me. Forgiving myself first opens the path to forgive others. When I say forgive I dont' mean forgive and take him back, that is an entire different subject, I just mean forgive him to release the hurt from your heart.
In the past few years I have remembered situations as a child where I was abused my others. I have worked through my anger by forgiving them for what they did to me. That does not excuse what they did, but it helps me to let go of my pain and hurt.
I hope I helped you in some way. The subject of infidelity is big with me and I feel very strongly about how we deal with it, obviously because what I have been through and what I have done myself in my past.
The last time I posted this on an open forum, I got slammed by a SR member for my honesty. I hope that does not happen this time. I am who I am today because of how I have dealt with my past.
Sarah - I am done rambling on now, I just wanted to say one more time, forgive yourself first, try to stop punishing yourself for taking him back, you did what you had to do at the time. If you let go of the anger you feel for yourself, you will walk through this easier.
I am sending you HUGE hugs of support. And I hope that my post has not offeneded you or anyone else.
With the lenght of this post I should call it my book LOL!
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 30
Pauline - thanks so much for that post, this is a subject I struggle with quite a bit and have not yet come to a resolution where I can forgive and let go of the hurt. I have had an AH and an SO be seriously unfaithful to me and the hurt of that still lingers. Towards the end of my alcoholic drinking I also found myself doing things I would never do sober and being totally sick over it.
Hi Sarah!!
Haven't talked to you for a while, I've been hanging out mostly in the AA and Alcoholism Forums. It's amazing that you post this now as I was just checking out a website last night that another member posted for people who have a sexual compulsion addiction.
http://www.sca-recovery.org/
I know you've said in the past that you worry he may also be a sex addict in addition to the problem with alcohol. As I had said before many many addicts have cross addictions. I too have felt the sting of my SO's being out of control sexually. It hurt on a level that made me feel like there was something wrong with me, that I was un-lovable. I felt like if I had been a better person, wife, etc... this wouldn't be happening to me. Bottom line is it wasn't my fault, and you were also not at fault. Checking out the above website really comforted me in that regard. People behave in all kinds of abhorrent ways not because of something I've done, but because of what is going on inside of them!
Hope this helps, take care Sarah, it's great to see you doing well and being a strong & capable woman in your recovery, gives me hope
Hi Sarah!!
Haven't talked to you for a while, I've been hanging out mostly in the AA and Alcoholism Forums. It's amazing that you post this now as I was just checking out a website last night that another member posted for people who have a sexual compulsion addiction.
http://www.sca-recovery.org/
I know you've said in the past that you worry he may also be a sex addict in addition to the problem with alcohol. As I had said before many many addicts have cross addictions. I too have felt the sting of my SO's being out of control sexually. It hurt on a level that made me feel like there was something wrong with me, that I was un-lovable. I felt like if I had been a better person, wife, etc... this wouldn't be happening to me. Bottom line is it wasn't my fault, and you were also not at fault. Checking out the above website really comforted me in that regard. People behave in all kinds of abhorrent ways not because of something I've done, but because of what is going on inside of them!
Hope this helps, take care Sarah, it's great to see you doing well and being a strong & capable woman in your recovery, gives me hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Graditude from my heart and soul.....
Myles, Countrygirl, Gabe and Maryl.......thank you very much for your sharing your perspective and providing support to me. I do appreciate you for taking the time to reply and share your experiences.
Pauline.....(((((hugs))))))) to you. I really don't understand why anyone would blast you for sharing your perspective and experience. Thank you for opening up your heart and soul.....you are right on target. I do need to work on forgiving myself first. I've allowed him to treat me like dirt throughout our entire relationship....22 years. Maybe I even expected it. I've tolerated his behaviors and believed him each time he said that it'll never happen again. I am working on the anger I have for myself for not expecting that I deserve better.
Ophelia....you are so sweet.....I appreciate your reply. Yes, I do think there is some SA there. Thanks for sharing the website. I'm grateful for your support.
To all of you........twenty years ago, when I was much younger and very insecure, I did believe that there was something wrong with me. Early in our marriage, I attended Al Anon and read Co-Dependent No More and and learned about alcoholism, and my addiction to the alcoholic. Through the years, as I've grown as a person, spiritually and emotionally, I've become more confident and secure with who I am. I like me. Still have some anger issues to deal with, but in general, I do like myself. I no longer feel responsible for his actions.....and believe me, that took several years.
I think I'm at a crossroads. He did these things, yes it's in the past, but they still happened. I don't know if I can let go and move forward with hope and faith with the knowledge of his many betrayals.
For now....I will focus on today and me. I'm grateful for each of you who responded to my post. I appreciate the support and shared experiences I get from this forum.
Peace to all of you.....
S
Pauline.....(((((hugs))))))) to you. I really don't understand why anyone would blast you for sharing your perspective and experience. Thank you for opening up your heart and soul.....you are right on target. I do need to work on forgiving myself first. I've allowed him to treat me like dirt throughout our entire relationship....22 years. Maybe I even expected it. I've tolerated his behaviors and believed him each time he said that it'll never happen again. I am working on the anger I have for myself for not expecting that I deserve better.
Ophelia....you are so sweet.....I appreciate your reply. Yes, I do think there is some SA there. Thanks for sharing the website. I'm grateful for your support.
To all of you........twenty years ago, when I was much younger and very insecure, I did believe that there was something wrong with me. Early in our marriage, I attended Al Anon and read Co-Dependent No More and and learned about alcoholism, and my addiction to the alcoholic. Through the years, as I've grown as a person, spiritually and emotionally, I've become more confident and secure with who I am. I like me. Still have some anger issues to deal with, but in general, I do like myself. I no longer feel responsible for his actions.....and believe me, that took several years.
I think I'm at a crossroads. He did these things, yes it's in the past, but they still happened. I don't know if I can let go and move forward with hope and faith with the knowledge of his many betrayals.
For now....I will focus on today and me. I'm grateful for each of you who responded to my post. I appreciate the support and shared experiences I get from this forum.
Peace to all of you.....
S
Me too!Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Sarah, My heart goes out to you because that is a really tough place to be. I haven't been in that particular position and being honest couldn't tell you how I would react to it. We don't know what we would do until we've walked in someone else's shoes.
I just wanted to point out a book in the Bible that may help you sort through it......1 Corinthians 6:12-20 and 1 Corinthians 7 the entire Chapter.
Be true yourself!
Constant
I just wanted to point out a book in the Bible that may help you sort through it......1 Corinthians 6:12-20 and 1 Corinthians 7 the entire Chapter.
Be true yourself!
Constant
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
(((Sarah))),
As you work through this situation, taking steps moment by moment that lead you to calm and peace, know that we care for you and send you plenty of positive, warm, loving, encouraging thoughts!
I think if a person makes bad choices and hurts others, then it is up to the "others" to do whatever it takes to protect themselves from further hurt. You are thinking it through and making wise choices that will make your life better day by day.
(((HUGS)))
As you work through this situation, taking steps moment by moment that lead you to calm and peace, know that we care for you and send you plenty of positive, warm, loving, encouraging thoughts!
I think if a person makes bad choices and hurts others, then it is up to the "others" to do whatever it takes to protect themselves from further hurt. You are thinking it through and making wise choices that will make your life better day by day.
(((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Sarah,
As your self-esteem grows you'll start to see things in a different light. You'll be able to make good choices for yourself and with healthy self-esteem you will come to see and know that his infidelity is definitely his problem and had nothing to do with you.
Eventually this won't be a struggle anymore for you and you'll be able to move on.
Ngaire
As your self-esteem grows you'll start to see things in a different light. You'll be able to make good choices for yourself and with healthy self-esteem you will come to see and know that his infidelity is definitely his problem and had nothing to do with you.
Eventually this won't be a struggle anymore for you and you'll be able to move on.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
You are so Welcomed
Sarah,
I hope this finds you in good spirits. You are more that welcome for my responce. I wish I had more answers for you but unfortunately there is no quick fix.
I continue to keep you and all on our board in my prayers. Lots of hugs sent your way!!!
maryl
p.s. I am sooo happy you are doing things for YOU, way to hon
I hope this finds you in good spirits. You are more that welcome for my responce. I wish I had more answers for you but unfortunately there is no quick fix.
I continue to keep you and all on our board in my prayers. Lots of hugs sent your way!!!
maryl
p.s. I am sooo happy you are doing things for YOU, way to hon
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
You are so Welcomed
Sarah,
I hope this finds you ingood spirits. You are more that welcome for my responce. I wish I had more answers for you but uinfortunately there is no quick fix.
I continue to keep you and all on our board in my prayers. Lots of hugs sent your way!!!
maryl
p.s. I am sooo happy you are doing things for YOU, wasy to hon
I hope this finds you ingood spirits. You are more that welcome for my responce. I wish I had more answers for you but uinfortunately there is no quick fix.
I continue to keep you and all on our board in my prayers. Lots of hugs sent your way!!!
maryl
p.s. I am sooo happy you are doing things for YOU, wasy to hon
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