cen616

I've come to realize, just in the last few days, how grateful I am to my A for one thing...he is teaching me more about myself than I ever could have learned without him and, in a way, making me deal with issues I have.

Unfortunately, it's a bit like finding out the cause of your stomache ache by pulling your guts out through your belly button...probably unnecessarily painful and disgusting. But, getting all that crap out in the open can lead to a good result.

When I tried Al-Anon for the first time, I didn't get it at all. My A was in recovery (though still demonstrating many "isms") and so much of the stuff being talked about in the lit or the few meetings I attended seemed to not apply.

Even coming here, those first couple of days, after his long "dry drunk/user" phase and a relapse, I still thought I was different. I have never thought of myself as a codependent--ever. Before him, I did everything possible to avoid drama, chaos, or needy people. I had a couple of long-term relationships but they never got "too" close...no living together, no strong commitment. Both were more like really, really long-term "just dating". Any other relationship, I bolted at the first sign of trouble. I would give up, quick, rather than have to deal with anything I deemed "bull****".

I've made it to 39 without ever getting married or having kids. I have close friends, but even they are held at arm's length to some extent. I know far more about them than they know about me. Being open, talking about my feelings, allowing anyone to help me, was a serious no-no for me. I am the strong one, the stable one, the cool and composed one.

So, with all that history, who do I choose to take the big commitment plunge with? A crackhead!! A recovering crackhead, initially, but still...It's almost like I chose the most unwinnable situation possible to sabotage myself. Here I am trying to make it work with someone who is going to throw as many obstacles in the way as possible. Makes it easy to give up and say "see, I tried to make a commitment to someone, but it's not my fault it failed. no one could make this work."

But, just in the last week or so I've been here, I've been hit with an epiphany. "Normal" people don't live in self-imposed exile from open, caring relationships. No (wo)man is an island...huh. What a thought. I don't know if I'm a "codie", but I sure do think I've got some problems...and I'm facing up to that.

Whether my relationship with him works or not, whether he finds recovery (again) or not, I have enormous gratitude to him for leading me toward a path of recovery. I know he didn't do that, intentionally. I just watched him struggle with his own disease and allowed it to affect me to the point where I had no choice but to get here, open those books, check those meeting schedules, again.

So, thanks to my A and thanks to you all, too. SR is the first place I've been where I actually feel like I'm not an alien visiting this planet but not quite "getting" the language or customs.

greeteachday

I'm so grateful you are finding your way. You deserve to have those open caring relationships...whether the love of your life or a good close friend.

Excellent post...so insightful. Thanks for sharing your recovery here!