I am so screwed up, and its not my fault!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bogalusa, LA 70427
Posts: 11
I am so screwed up, and its not my fault!
It just came to me yesterday. I am so screwed up, and its not my fault! I am surrounded by alcoholism. My mother, my husband of 17 years, my brother, and my stepfather. I blame them. I don't have ADD. My mind is so preoccupied with worry for them, and for what I am doing to my children, that I can't keep a train of thought.
Kay Kay:codiepolice
Kay Kay:codiepolice
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Kay Kay,
Have you read any of the "stickies" that are at the top of the forums here or any literature on codependency? I had no idea how screwed up I was by living with an alcoholic and having an alcoholic parent. At one low point in my early marriage, I was given the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and WOW! I saw myself on nearly every page--very eye-opening and a step towards finding a better life for yourself. I totally recommend it.
Also, another forum here that gets tons of action and support is the family and friends of alcoholics. I hope you come over there and share your story as well. So many here know exactly how you feel and are able to offer great support. Welcome to SR! It's been an amazing place for me, so much combined knowledge from so many experienced family members.
Have you read any of the "stickies" that are at the top of the forums here or any literature on codependency? I had no idea how screwed up I was by living with an alcoholic and having an alcoholic parent. At one low point in my early marriage, I was given the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and WOW! I saw myself on nearly every page--very eye-opening and a step towards finding a better life for yourself. I totally recommend it.
Also, another forum here that gets tons of action and support is the family and friends of alcoholics. I hope you come over there and share your story as well. So many here know exactly how you feel and are able to offer great support. Welcome to SR! It's been an amazing place for me, so much combined knowledge from so many experienced family members.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I mean this with heartfelt warmth, so please try not to hear it as chastisement.
I caution you strongly against placing blame. While it's good to know that you are not responsible for where you are *at this moment in time*, it will serve you well to remember that now that you're aware (the hardest step IMO), what you do from here on out is entirely YOUR decision and not something that can be blamed on others.
Placing blame is a very easy path to go down, and one which can be just as destructive as what got you here in the first place.
Now that you know, you have something you probably never had before - options! YOU can decide how you want to behave, who you want to be, what you want to do with yourself. You now have choices - although it is difficult to let go of those old tapes in one's head (I speak from experience on that one!), you do still have choices and options - and how liberating is that?! How wonderful that you now hold the reins of your life!
I have seen far too many people become self-aware in the way that you have, only to see them slip down the slope of blame and self pity into an even worse state than they were before. I worry that you may do the same.
Peace had very good advice in reading the stickies at the top of the page. They are full of very useful and enlightening information.
Wishing you much luck in finding your new path in life.
I caution you strongly against placing blame. While it's good to know that you are not responsible for where you are *at this moment in time*, it will serve you well to remember that now that you're aware (the hardest step IMO), what you do from here on out is entirely YOUR decision and not something that can be blamed on others.
Placing blame is a very easy path to go down, and one which can be just as destructive as what got you here in the first place.
Now that you know, you have something you probably never had before - options! YOU can decide how you want to behave, who you want to be, what you want to do with yourself. You now have choices - although it is difficult to let go of those old tapes in one's head (I speak from experience on that one!), you do still have choices and options - and how liberating is that?! How wonderful that you now hold the reins of your life!
I have seen far too many people become self-aware in the way that you have, only to see them slip down the slope of blame and self pity into an even worse state than they were before. I worry that you may do the same.
Peace had very good advice in reading the stickies at the top of the page. They are full of very useful and enlightening information.
Wishing you much luck in finding your new path in life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bogalusa, LA 70427
Posts: 11
Thanks you guys!
I know what I need to do, but I just cannot make myself do it. I guess I am scared. I love my husband despite his drinking. I have a 15 yr. old that goes to a private school out of town. She rides a bus, but I have to pick her up 3-4 days a week. She is on the dance team, and she cannot ride the bus home because of practice after school. I also have a 4 yr. old son who will be starting pre-K this yr. I feel I need to leave for my self-esteem and for my children. I'm scared my daughter sees me as being weak, and I'm scared my son will be an alcoholic someday. It's sad, boys idolize their fathers no matter how much time they spend with them. My husband is a great provider despite his alcoholism. He has a bad back but continues to work. He also works a lot of overtime. He has to work a lot though. If he didn't he would drink 24 hrs. a day, everyday. The sad thing about my 17 yr. marriage is that I like him better when he drinks. He verbally abuses my daughter and me when he is sober. We beg him to get a drink so he will leave us alone. How healthy is that! I have been home for 6 yrs. now. I love being here for my kids. If I worked, I really don't know how my daughter would get home in the evenings. The only solution I can come up with is moving to where my daughter goes to school and enrolling my son in public school there. My fear is that I can't do it financially (my self-esteem is shot). Last yr. I started a monogram business from home. I did very well for a while despite the struggle of juggling everything else. My husband put down on it from the beginning. He would get frustrated because when I was busy, my 4 yr. old would destroy the house. I was determined that I would make it work despite the negative comments. It was great for my self-esteem because everyone loved my merchandise and my creative ideas. I let the business go when my mom got sick, and since then, I have been having trouble getting it going again. I feel like I could open a shop in the town where my daughter goes to school since there is a lot of money there, but unfortunately, the cost of living there is out the roof. I'm scared of failure!! I guess I feel trapped. You see, it is much easier to blame others for my failures. Any advice would be appreciated.
Kay Kay
I know what I need to do, but I just cannot make myself do it. I guess I am scared. I love my husband despite his drinking. I have a 15 yr. old that goes to a private school out of town. She rides a bus, but I have to pick her up 3-4 days a week. She is on the dance team, and she cannot ride the bus home because of practice after school. I also have a 4 yr. old son who will be starting pre-K this yr. I feel I need to leave for my self-esteem and for my children. I'm scared my daughter sees me as being weak, and I'm scared my son will be an alcoholic someday. It's sad, boys idolize their fathers no matter how much time they spend with them. My husband is a great provider despite his alcoholism. He has a bad back but continues to work. He also works a lot of overtime. He has to work a lot though. If he didn't he would drink 24 hrs. a day, everyday. The sad thing about my 17 yr. marriage is that I like him better when he drinks. He verbally abuses my daughter and me when he is sober. We beg him to get a drink so he will leave us alone. How healthy is that! I have been home for 6 yrs. now. I love being here for my kids. If I worked, I really don't know how my daughter would get home in the evenings. The only solution I can come up with is moving to where my daughter goes to school and enrolling my son in public school there. My fear is that I can't do it financially (my self-esteem is shot). Last yr. I started a monogram business from home. I did very well for a while despite the struggle of juggling everything else. My husband put down on it from the beginning. He would get frustrated because when I was busy, my 4 yr. old would destroy the house. I was determined that I would make it work despite the negative comments. It was great for my self-esteem because everyone loved my merchandise and my creative ideas. I let the business go when my mom got sick, and since then, I have been having trouble getting it going again. I feel like I could open a shop in the town where my daughter goes to school since there is a lot of money there, but unfortunately, the cost of living there is out the roof. I'm scared of failure!! I guess I feel trapped. You see, it is much easier to blame others for my failures. Any advice would be appreciated.
Kay Kay
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I'm scared of failure!! I guess I feel trapped. You see, it is much easier to blame others for my failures.
Speaking only for myself, I must admit my pendulum swung hard to the other side. I became so aggressive in defense of my boundaries that it turned a lot of people off. I had finally found that I could control my life and I wasn't about to let *anyone* take that away from me ever again. Since that time, I have found something significantly closer to equilibrium.
One of the tools I used to get to where I could claim control over my life was asking myself "or what?" and then trying to answer it. Or looking at the absolute worst case scenario - would you end up homeless? Or do you have friends who could help you transition? Would your children end up in state custody (which, btw, it is very hard to do)? Or do you have relatives who could help out with that? Once I started asking "or what?", I realized that all my fears were really baseless.
I will agree that it is much easier to blame others. Very much easier. And that leaves you blaming others and continuing to lead the life you currently are very unhappy with. Or you could take control, be a little less unhappy (or at the very worst, trade one form of unhappy for another) but feel good that now you can *do* something about the unhappiness.
I am not telling you what you "should" do. I'm relating my own experience, and letting you know that you DO have options. You can take control of your life - you can stop being controlled by others. That option is available to you. The first step is the hardest - after that, it gets easier and easier.
Honestly, the easiest thing to do is nothing. That is also the thing that (with any problem) you will probably regret the most later down the line.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I share this not to influence your decisions about what to do - but only to share my e, s, & h.
I am a mother of 5 beautiful daughters - that are now between the ages of 21 - 30. Thru the yrs of living with active alcohlism/addiction I saw how this was affecting us, but couldn't see how to help us. About 4 1/2 yrs ago, I finally found my way to al-anon. It has been a lifesaver for me.
Today, 1 of those girls is in the active part of the disease of addiction, the other 4 girls have been in horrible co-dependent relationships and 2 still are in unhealthy relationships.
Part of me knows that the reasons why are because they are doing exactly what they were raised to do. Exactly what I was raised to do.
But - I have taken steps to try to break that cycle in our family. When they are open to listen and ASK for suggestions, I talk about my program - they see me LIVING my recovery - so maybe the 1st half of their lives thru my example they learned the unhealthy way to function in relationships - but prayerfully thru the 2nd half of their life they will be exposed to a different way of life.
A life that shows you how to life happy, joyous and free - regardless of the actions of our loved ones that are active in the disease of alcoholism/addiction. A life that allows them the freedom to make choices for their own happiness.
So not only is recovery important to me, but it is important to my daughters around me and to my 7 grandchildren. I may be the only meeting the see until they decide to find recovery for theirselves.
That is why the painful process of changing is worth it for me.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
I am a mother of 5 beautiful daughters - that are now between the ages of 21 - 30. Thru the yrs of living with active alcohlism/addiction I saw how this was affecting us, but couldn't see how to help us. About 4 1/2 yrs ago, I finally found my way to al-anon. It has been a lifesaver for me.
Today, 1 of those girls is in the active part of the disease of addiction, the other 4 girls have been in horrible co-dependent relationships and 2 still are in unhealthy relationships.
Part of me knows that the reasons why are because they are doing exactly what they were raised to do. Exactly what I was raised to do.
But - I have taken steps to try to break that cycle in our family. When they are open to listen and ASK for suggestions, I talk about my program - they see me LIVING my recovery - so maybe the 1st half of their lives thru my example they learned the unhealthy way to function in relationships - but prayerfully thru the 2nd half of their life they will be exposed to a different way of life.
A life that shows you how to life happy, joyous and free - regardless of the actions of our loved ones that are active in the disease of alcoholism/addiction. A life that allows them the freedom to make choices for their own happiness.
So not only is recovery important to me, but it is important to my daughters around me and to my 7 grandchildren. I may be the only meeting the see until they decide to find recovery for theirselves.
That is why the painful process of changing is worth it for me.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Japic05 
I share this not to influence your decisions about what to do - but only to share my e, s, & h.
I am a mother of 5 beautiful daughters - that are now between the ages of 21 - 30. Thru the yrs of living with active alcohlism/addiction I saw how this was affecting us, but couldn't see how to help us. About 4 1/2 yrs ago, I finally found my way to al-anon. It has been a lifesaver for me.
Today, 1 of those girls is in the active part of the disease of addiction, the other 4 girls have been in horrible co-dependent relationships and 2 still are in unhealthy relationships.
Part of me knows that the reasons why are because they are doing exactly what they were raised to do. Exactly what I was raised to do.
But - I have taken steps to try to break that cycle in our family. When they are open to listen and ASK for suggestions, I talk about my program - they see me LIVING my recovery - so maybe the 1st half of their lives thru my example they learned the unhealthy way to function in relationships - but prayerfully thru the 2nd half of their life they will be exposed to a different way of life.
A life that shows you how to life happy, joyous and free - regardless of the actions of our loved ones that are active in the disease of alcoholism/addiction. A life that allows them the freedom to make choices for their own happiness.
So not only is recovery important to me, but it is important to my daughters around me and to my 7 grandchildren. I may be the only meeting the see until they decide to find recovery for theirselves.
That is why the painful process of changing is worth it for me.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
I am a mother of 5 beautiful daughters - that are now between the ages of 21 - 30. Thru the yrs of living with active alcohlism/addiction I saw how this was affecting us, but couldn't see how to help us. About 4 1/2 yrs ago, I finally found my way to al-anon. It has been a lifesaver for me.
Today, 1 of those girls is in the active part of the disease of addiction, the other 4 girls have been in horrible co-dependent relationships and 2 still are in unhealthy relationships.
Part of me knows that the reasons why are because they are doing exactly what they were raised to do. Exactly what I was raised to do.
But - I have taken steps to try to break that cycle in our family. When they are open to listen and ASK for suggestions, I talk about my program - they see me LIVING my recovery - so maybe the 1st half of their lives thru my example they learned the unhealthy way to function in relationships - but prayerfully thru the 2nd half of their life they will be exposed to a different way of life.
A life that shows you how to life happy, joyous and free - regardless of the actions of our loved ones that are active in the disease of alcoholism/addiction. A life that allows them the freedom to make choices for their own happiness.
So not only is recovery important to me, but it is important to my daughters around me and to my 7 grandchildren. I may be the only meeting the see until they decide to find recovery for theirselves.
That is why the painful process of changing is worth it for me.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
What you said about you being the only 'meeting' they see until they find recovery for themselves is so true for me too! :ghug2
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