ZombieWife

So, I had a hard night last night. My infant (who is 9 months old and used to sleep through the night) is no longer doing so. She's up at anywhere from 2 to 4am and won't go back to sleep unless I lay down with her. She wants to play or is fussy. I know it's probably just a phase, but it means I'm running on 3-4 hours of sleep a night and an hour when I can get a nap while she naps.

I'm cranky and exhausted and this usually leads to me being suspicious, angry, bitter, upset.

I've had it in my mind the last few days that my AH is using again. I've snooped, looked everywhere, tried to find signs. He shows no real red flags, they are just little things--things that can be explained away. I think I smell things in the house sometimes. I think he's acting "more alert" than normal. It could just be him smoking a cigarette inside (which he knows better, but does sometimes late at night down in the basement.) Or, it could be that he just had some coffee. It's stupid crap like that and it's been eating me up for days.

I get online this morning at around 5:30am. I'm tired and upset and I've convinced myself he's using, but I can't find any proof. I write to a friend of mine (who used to do meth herself and who I can talk to about this stuff.) I was distraught, upset and desperate. I told her that I was 99% sure I didn't love him anymore, that I was only holding onto that 1%, that the drug was killing me--the not knowing, the uncertainty and that I had one foot out the door. I was tired of living in this limbo, this perpetual purgatory that I blame him for creating (even though that's not entirely true.) I said some pretty mean things. I said "They never get better. They just keep using. They all love the drug more. Why? Why bother?"

The thing is, I do love him. I love him so much, but out of desperation, I said some horrible things. He saw that email. I had my laptop out while I was taking a nap and he read it. I'm not angry that he read it because for the most part, my life is an open book to him. I feel I have nothing to hide from him. It hurt him. It. Hurt. Him.

He asked me about it when I got up. He wasn't angry. He said he shouldn't have looked, but his gut told him to read the message. He began crying. He had no idea I was THAT far gone, that mad and angry. He knew I was pretty darn upset. I thought he got it before. He really got it today.

I feel terrible about this. It was like some diary entry that you never want anyone to see that you say in the heat of frustration, desperation or whatnot. I'd never written anything like that before, ever, yet the one time I did, he found it and read it.

I kept trying to apologize and he wouldn't let me. He kept saying, "I did this to you. Don't you dare apologize."

He said that he is struggling trying to stay clean. He hasn't used, but he thinks about it all the time. 5 years ago, he had done so much meth, then just quit cold turkey. Quit for 4 years. When he started again, doing less than he did in the past, he said it's now 10 times worse. He thinks about it more than he ever did during his heaviest use. He doesn't think he can do it alone, or without treatment. For the last 8 months, he's been doing it on his own, because that's how he did it last time.

So, he called this number--an ad in the paper, looking for meth addicts. It's an experimental deal. They offer you therapy free 2 hours a week and do physical/dental examinations every week. I don't know if they're doing drug testing. He'll find out, but he said he was scared beyond belief of me taking our child and leaving, that he needed to see that email.

I guess I just feel so bad for him having to see that, so bad that I can't get a grip myself, can't reel in these emotions, that I hurt like that.

Anyway, I am not sure what I'm looking for other than just voicing what happened. Maybe I do have a question about these experimental deals. Anyone have experience with that? Do you think it's medication? If so, what in the world kind of medication would it be? I'd hate him to get hooked on something else in place of this.

Ok, that's it. Long post.

peaceteach

Slow down, ZW. Breathe, relax for a minute. You've had a rough 24 hours with the baby and exhaustion, happens to all moms of babies and tough enough without adding an addict husband into the mix.

I don't have any idea about the drugs/treatment program you are asking about, but my first thought is "Let HIM figure all that out for HIMSELF" and step away from the addict. Just let it go tonight, sweetie, all that guilt and awfulyzing about HIM and get that focus back on YOU and what YOU need tonight. And maybe, think about the possibility that your HP and his HP have a hand in how it came about that he saw that email today. Perhaps it was just "meant to be" and will be some sort of catalyst for change in your husband's thought patterns. He is definitely realizing that he needs more help this time around and that without help, he might just use again. I think it is extremely important that you let him own his treatment and recovery, and you just take care of you and your baby. Hard to believe, this letting go and letting God stuff, but it truly is the right way when dealing with an addict. Sending you big mom hugs tonight and hopes that you get some rest

ZombieWife

Yeah, I feel good, I just wish I didn't get all worked up like that sometimes, like I could just let it go and be at peace. Some days are so good. I come here and have such good feelings, then other days, I can't get away from it--the suspicion. I slip and fall, only instead of giving in and letting someone continue to lie to me and take advantage of me, I do the opposite, I want to run away, to flee and never look back. I have to hold myself together all the time for the baby as it is. Sometimes, I just forget myself and how to take care of ME, and even when I think it's ok to do that, I then feel guilty about it.

Why can't we just allow ourselves peace sometimes?

Chino

My therapist has only told me to "STOP" a certain behavior a couple of times, and my former habit of censoring my words with my RAD was one of them. If my intention isn't a verbal attack then there's no need. If she takes something the wrong way we can discuss it and have a real conversation.

ZombieWife

Anvil and Chino, I get what you're saying. I don't think I censor my words around him, I just have never relayed that to him before--it was like some deep, dark monster came out for a moment.

As I said, I know I love him with all my heart. He is the love of my life, but there are moments when I feel his addiction has eaten up so much good in our relationship and I get so resentful and bitter about that.

Either way, just posting makes me feel better and reading the responses are very helpful. thanks guys.

8

jerect

(((((hugs))))))

I know what your going through. A couple of months ago, My AH read my journal. He read an entry where I wrote that I regretted marrying him. I wrote that after he lost a job opportunity because he tested dirty for pot. At the time I was just venting out my frustrations and at that moment I probably did have some regrets.

A day or so later after the incident, I sat down and talked to my Husband about what he read and told him that I didn't feel that way anymore that I was just frustrated. It hasn't been brought up since.

Somedays I slip and fall in my recovery all day long.. well ok, most days. But I'm giving it the best effort I can and I'm learning from my mistakes.

I hope things will smooth over for you.

greeteachday

Lots of great wisdom shared here...all so true...Just adding a few hugs and hopes that the baby sleeps tonight so you can too

ZombieWife

Hugs ROCK. And so do butterflies. My daughter is a butterfly fanatic!

itisatruth

Zombiewife, I came in late to this post and "speed" read the replies, so I hope I am not repeating anything or missing something........but just wanted to send words of encouragement....we all have times that are harder than others, what you said in the email was what you were feeling at that moment--exhaustion and frustration--and even though its hard for him to read, and hard for you to know he heard that frustration and anger, my hope for you is that he really gets something out of it......that some good comes from him hearing how is actions are hurting others. Sometimes life has a way of teaching us things that we don't always see for ourselves.

Hope you are able to get some rest this weekend and your baby starts sleeping all night again ASAP...

((((hugs))))

ZombieWife

Thank you, itis. I bought some baby teething tablets (homeopathic?) I hear they work well. I'm hoping it's just tooth troubles and not a new phase, haha.

itisatruth

Teething issues probably...you know, its been so long for me, that I honestly can't remember when my son began teething....all I remember was that baby stuff for teeth....and my MIL recommending rubbing tequila on his gums (yeah, like I was going to do that!!!) I think I just ended up giving him a pacifier and getting used to less sleep for awhile Hang in, before you know it she will be running around touching and grabbing things.....and this will all look like a 'happy' time ......j/k.....(hope you get the teasing....)

so get some sleep!

bsfish

From a slightly less sensitive male perspective, if that email makes his rock bottom a little more visible, and is the kick in the #$%@ that makes him want it, and make that call himself, it could be the most important day in his life, and a big turning point.

Hope you're sleeping and not reading this now. Even though I'm dad, I've been there and know the feeling. Good luck, it gets better.