Confused757

Anyone ever feel embarrassed that they're significant other has an addiction & the things that has done to the family?

I see happy families all day & I feel bad because my girls don't have that. We thought we did, but we were wrong. I recently met a woman at the elementary school while registering my oldest for kindergarden. She doesn't know anyone here & her husband is military. I mentioned that I knew what she was going through because my husband was a Marine. She wants to get together, but I'm embarrassed by the things my AH has done & the fact that the girls & I are living with my parents again. (because of AH's decisions)

I did talk to a woman the other night who I had worked with off & on for years. She is 65 yrs old & up until the other night, I had no idea that she had been married to an alcoholic cop. She left him, he never remarried & then died years later of cerosis (sp?) of the liver. He never stopped drinking either & she paid for his funeral! Sometimes, it slips out that I'm married to an alcoholic & it's amazing just how many people are affected by someone who is.

cmc

Welcome to SR.

I don't care about what others think of me as much as I used to since I've been working on my own recovery in Alanon.

The truth is that what others do does not reflect on me. I didn't make those bad choices...I did make some of my own though. Things like enabling or trying to protect another person from their own consequences were my bad decisions. When I learned to do better I did better. There is no reason for me to accept blame or feel shame by things I haven't any control over and did not do.

That said, there are many people that I know who don't know about my family members' problems. Some of those people are also family and I choose to not divulge 'my private' issues with them because they have not earned my trust.

Here on SR and at my Alanon meetings, I can share freely without being judged or criticized and for that I am most grateful.

Barbara52

I felt guilt and shame about my AH's alcoholism for a long time. I also felt guilt and shame for having accepted it without doing anything for myself for a while. I think shame was one reason why I stayed married for a while.

But I came to understand that my failure to act in my best interests was something I could (and did) change and that as long as I moved toward a more healthy life, my past actions were no longer important. I forgave myself.

I also came to understand that my AH's alcoholism was not my dirty little secret, that I bore no responsibility for his actions/behavior and that it was widely known anyway.

fluffyflea

One thing I learnt in recovery was to stop comparing myself to othe rpeople because it only kept me trapped in my unhappiness.

rEMEMBER EVERYTHING IS NOT HOW IT LOOKS ON THE OUTSIDE.

Ngaire

cagefree

I have to remind myself of this when I lose focus on myself and start to look to others for what I should have. Not only do I find it's true, but the fantasy about the "happy" lives everyone else has is an impossible goal to reach - I'll only be happy when (fill in the blank).

I was embarrassed for a bit after XABF and I split, perhaps that might be another cause of my seething anger I felt then as well - but the fact that since then I've taken the steps I need to prevent it from happening to me again, and went from victim to surviver, I see more things about myself to be proud of, instead of embarrassd about.

Bernadette

Hiya Confused 757,
Very wise words from Earthworm-- don't compare you'll either get a false feeling of smugness or a false feeling of worthlessness - either way not true!!

Lots of shameful moments in my family at the hands of the alcoholics. We codies spend a lot of time trying to "perfect" everything up!! And we definitely harbor these illusions that perfection is possible. We may spend nuclear amounts of energy trying to maintain some false picture for the world (and ourselves). UGH! Better to use that formidable energy to become the ACTUAL person in REALITY with all our foibles, that we are each destined to be. There is not a living soul who doesn't struggle with something or hasn't been humiliated or embarrassed in some way in their life.

What you wanna develop is GRACE. You have nothing to be ashamed of. And if you are carrying a sense of shame be careful, your kids will pick up on that - it is VERY common in alcoholic families. Start sending the very powerful message that whatever their dad has done and however you are living right now is not their fault and is NOT the worst thing that could happen to them in their lives. Or to you!! You all have each other, you have love, you have non-addicted sane brains - these are things to celebrate and hold your heads up for!

I also find that out in public when the conversation veers toward alcoholism or addiction I freely share that I have experience in that area by virtue of my family and many, many times that has opened the door to someone being able to share some burden they have been hiding or carrying, or to someone sharing with me an idea or a boost just at the moment when it is needed! And anyone who judges me in a poor light because of my family's history well - fine, if they can't handle my REALITY then we were never meant to be friends.

Be free - be who you are! BE NOT ASHAMED!!! And wave that banner for your kids!
Peace,
B.

wish he'd quit

I know exactly what you mean. There were so many times when we would go to functions and I would be SO embarrassed by AH's behavior. After so long I just stopped going. I hate seeing those people knowing that they are thinking ok here comes the drunk and his wife. I too have hesitated on starting new relationships because I tried hiding the secret for so long. It's not worth it. I'm no longer willing to lose out on possibly amazing relationships because of someone elses stupidity.

Kindeyes

I understand but from the perspective of a mother of an A son. I was embarrassed and ashamed and have felt like the worst mother in the world. I took the responsibility for his addiction. Just using the word "alcoholic" was hard for me. Now I talk openly about it (when it's appropriate--I don't just blurt it out all the time ;-). I am also amazed at how many people are affected by this disease. When someone I'm speaking with relates their own story with the alcoholic in their lives, they almost seem relieved to be able to say it outloud to someone who will not judge THEM for the addiction of someone else.

I agree with what was said above. People who judge are not really friends. And their lives are not perfect.....they are just struggling to keep the illusion alive.

gentle hugs

Shivaya

Hi Confused,

I find that everytime I open up to a friend, neighbor and sometimes an acquaintance about my situation (married to alcoholic for 14 years, and all the craziness that goes with it), I learn something new about that person and their life...

I have learned that one of my dearest friends husband is also an alcoholic, although I never even suspected (as many people did not suspect my ah)....

I feel no shame in sharing my story....I feel no judgement from others....it is what it is....I have no control over my ah's drinking.....

I always feel so much better when I share my "stuff"...and find out that I am Not Alone!!

And neither are You!!

Take care,

Shivaya

DESIGNER

This is one thing that I am currently trying to work on. I have ALWAYS done this for as long as I know. My girlfriends think that I am crazy for comparing myself because they all can see that I have done good up to this point in my life and one friend even told me that she is envious of me......Who me...Why??? That was my response....LOL.

Also remember that people do create a beautiful picture for others. I don't care how perfect ones life appears to be.......there is always something not right.....we are all human. That is why I love talking and getting to know new people b/c you start hearing stories and such and it makes you feel as though you are not alone in dealing with things.