why all of a sudden, guilt now?

Old 05-02-2008, 11:07 AM
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why all of a sudden, guilt now?

i don't understand why all of a sudden i am feeling this extreme guilt and responsibility for what has happened with ah and my marriage?

for instance, i have been fine for months and months ( close to a year) with complete detachment from ah for the most part. i.e., not eating dinner, or cooking dinner for us to eat together, no intimacy, and leaving him at home by himself.

NOW, all of a sudden, i am extremely sad and remorseful about it. it is like i just woke up and said "oh my God, what have I done, what a horrible person I am" how could i just abandon him like that?
this feeling is awful. i know there is a lot more involved, but this feeling is overwelming me right now. part of me is saying, just stop, you have been so wrong and it is YOUR FAULT, your an awful, cold hearted person.

the only way i could see to correct it is to go back in time. i don't think i could or would be willing to do that and would it really change anything.

i think a big part of my feeling stems from ah finally noticing after months of not that i am no longer wearing my wedding ring. i told him "open your eyes" and he said "well, you haven't been around enough for me to notice." this is were the guilt and responsibility on my part really really started to hurt. those words from him that i haven't been around stabbed like a knife.

i have already apologied to ah, but perhaps another apology is needed?

please help with this...thanks!!!
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Old 05-02-2008, 11:17 AM
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What is it you feel the need to apologize for?
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Old 05-02-2008, 11:17 AM
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It's perfectly normal and expected to process the loss of a marriage (or perhaps more accurately the loss of a dream) through grief. Here is an article copied from a website on loss and grieving. (I've bolded some parts relevant to your question)

It is widely accepted that there are seven distinct stages in the grieving process.

The seven stages of grief for a scale that one who has suffers a loss will ascend over time.

The seven stages of grief are:

*Shock or Disbelief
*Denial
*Bargaining
*Guilt
*Anger
*Depression
*Acceptance and Hope

Most people will see some if not all of the seven stages of grief in themselves as they grieve.

The first stage is obvious and I think we all see this in the first breaking of the news of a death or loss. We quite naturally are shocked and find the gravity of the situation difficult to take in.

Denial is the next stage of the grieving process and sometimes this stage will last only a moment and with others it may last for quite some time.

Each of the seven stages of grief will take different lengths of time to work through form person to person. Sometimes the first three stages may only last a moment and with others they could last for some considerable time.

Bargaining, although it may seem like a strange stage, is something that a lot of us do and has its roots in “what could I do to reverse the loss”, “take me instead”, this is quite natural and is an observed stage of grieving.

Guilt comes in and is very close to bargaining. One tends to blame themselves in an effort to reconcile the loss.


When anger occurs in the grieving process we know that the person is starting to come out of it. All of the stages up to this one have been very inward responses whereas anger is more of an outreach.

Depression is not so much a stage, it can come and go throughout the whole grieving process but when the anger stage is passed depression will also become less and less.

Finally acceptance and hope will return and marks the seventh stage of grief. At this point we understand that life will never be the same but we see hope and meaning in the future.

The seven stages of grief as outlined above should not be taken as a hard and fast rule but more as an index of the stages of the grieving process.

The main point is that we can see our grief as a very natural process that we will work through from the initial shock to the eventual hope.
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Old 05-02-2008, 11:41 AM
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I felt that way too, and with me it was just a "friend"

For me it stems from being raised to accept the unacceptable, to allow the same maddening loop to go on because I put the other person's needs above my own health and sanity.

I'm only starting to learn not to do that and to take care of myself above all things
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Old 05-02-2008, 11:41 AM
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barb, what i feel most guilty about are two things. i feel guilty about leaving him at home by himself at dinner time to cook his own dinner and eat it alone. i mean, traditionally, doesn't a wife cook for there husband?

we used to make meals together and eat together, but then i didn't want to eat with him if he was drinking. if i cooked he would ofter criticize my cooking and try to tell me how to do it (he would do this sober too), so i guess i gave up. i would get upset if i tried to cook a nice meal and he was drinking. i felt like i wasted my effor and it was unappreciated.

then, i started going to my families and out to eat with them, because i would not know what nights ah would be drinking and before i would miss the oppertunity to go have fun with them only to find ah was drinking and we were not going anywhere.
i decided i could not plan my dinners around if ah was drinking or not so i stopped it altogher.

so, then he started not wanting me to eat anything he cooked because he made it which hurt and IF i wasn't going to do anything for him he wasn't going to cook for me. so, this lead to a compete stop of us eating dinner together at all. i get my own food and eat by myself or go to my moms or out with friends.

also, i feel guilty about denying him intimacy.

all of a sudden, i guess for some reason i can see his side and see how very lonely he has had to have been and how much imy actions and words has to have hurt him.

of course, he will not acknowledge his part in any of this and is not able to feel any of the hurt he has caused me......but i definitely see the hurt i have caused him

latee, thats great info on grief -thanks- its still hard for me to acknowledge that i am griefing a "loss" because i can't really imagine really losing him in my life and really having to grieve that loss????
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Old 05-02-2008, 11:50 AM
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Is it me? I really don't understand why you feel guilty. If someone treated me like crap and didn't respect me or appreciate my making an effort, then no way would I feel guilty about leaving them to eat dinner alone or denying intimacy or anything else for that matter.
You're worth more than that girl! Keep telling yourself and start believing it, it's true!
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Old 05-02-2008, 12:18 PM
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thank you lucy, i really needed to hear this.

i know that i hold onto guilt. i have done it with past relationships also (and still do), so we have touched on something i really need to work on. this feeling is definitely something that i don't want to carry with me the rest of my life and i guess i am just scared that it will stay with me forever.

oh, maybe forgiving myself comes in there too.... don't quite know how to do this with some regrets in my life.

i'm learning, but geez, what a long long process, the more i uncover the more i have to really work on.

i guess the reason i feel so guilty is because i realize now that there are two sides to this story and that i am at fault also. i'm not excusing ah from his part, but i am trying to own mine and it doesn't feel good at all

so, then i beat myself with wondering if i could have saved this marriage and i'm thinking how i may never know the answer to that question and that's hard to deal with.
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Old 05-02-2008, 12:46 PM
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someone, a long long time ago, before alcohol had even touched my life in any way gave me some advice. I'm not really one for taking or giving advice because I think people make their own mnds up whatever anyone else says. But this lady, and she was a real lady, very dignified and 'proper' but she'd lived, she said to me theres no point whatsoever regretting the past, it's gone as soon as it's done but if you hang on to it (the past) you'll end up regretting your future.

I agree with that, and I now try not to make regrets for my future.
It's a bit deep for me for a Friday evening but it's true.
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Old 05-02-2008, 12:52 PM
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As Lucy said, the past is gone and you can't change it.

The question becomes do you regret doing what you have done?

If so, forgive yourself and made amends as appropriate.

If no, then give yourself a good talking to and fight off the undeserved guilt.

Yes there are always at least 2 sides to every story. But, you are only responsible for your side. You can only kow what you need and want at a particular point in time. Second guessing yourself now can be particularly unproductive since you have done a great deal to improve life for yourself. Creeping doubts can sabotage progress. I know that from personal experience. Perhaps replaying the tape and remembering why you took the actions you did will help you understand whether you have done anything you legitimately can feel guilty about?
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Old 05-02-2008, 12:54 PM
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thanks lucy

once again just what i needed to hear. my future will be much different, because i am much different. i have grown so much and i am proud of that- thanks
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Old 05-02-2008, 01:05 PM
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I can hear what you're saying, but as others on this board are so fond of saying "you need to play the tape all the way through". You didn't just stop eating dinner with him on a whim. It's your boundary. AH drinks = I don't cook/eat with you. Is he still drinking? Yep. Then don't feel guilty about being away. He doesn't feel guilty for drinking does he? If you need to say anything to him, I wouldn't apologize, I would just restate my boundary. You're more than willing to eat dinner with him IF he doesn't drink. KWIM?

Edited to add: His comment about you never being around sure sounds like a pity party to me. If he wants you around, then his actions will show it. Don't get sucked into his pity. You've grown too much for that. (((HUGS)))
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Old 05-02-2008, 01:31 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
latee, thats great info on grief -thanks- its still hard for me to acknowledge that i am griefing a "loss" because i can't really imagine really losing him in my life and really having to grieve that loss????
And that would be the denial part.

It is hard to see it when you're smack dab in the middle of it, though. The best thing you can do is just be gentle with yourself as you process the feelings. What I've learned is the best thing to do with emotions (also, the hardest thing to do) is just let them be. I am the kind of person who avoids feelings (especially the uncomfortable ones) by doing something. I tell myself that I am doing something to resolve the situation, but in reality all I am really doing is trying to make myself feel better. It's still really difficult to just sit with the feelings, but whenever I do manage it, I know it's the best thing I could have done. They pass, and once they do, you can take action that comes from clarity, not reaction that comes from emotion.

Give it a try.

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Old 05-02-2008, 05:43 PM
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....all of a sudden, i guess for some reason i can see his side and see how very lonely he has had to have been and how much imy actions and words has to have hurt him.
Yes, his side is lonely. But he has only himself to blame for that. You were there, you were doing what you could to be there. He checked out.


I would also ask "aren't you lonely too?" He doesn't hold a monopoly on the sadness and loneliness this is causing. I think I4getsm has it right "sounds like a pity party to me". It also sounds like manipulation.

Keep focusing on you and your recovery. He'll come along if and when he wants to.
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