Husband asked for help(long)
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: McHenry
Posts: 2
Husband asked for help(long)
I am new to this forum, and first want to say thank you for having it available to friends and family.
I don't know how to help my husband. Over the past few years, my husband has been struggling with his drinking. He went into the hospital in February only to find that he already has liver damage. Before that he was drinking Jack or Captain every night, at least 3-4 drinks in a sitting. Once we left the hospital, we had decided to give his liver a break for a month to see if it would start to heal itself. So, being the good wife, i use the term loosely, after a month of no drinking, he started brining alcohol back into the house. Which I was okay with, because I guess I didn't want to see that there was a bigger problem. Over the past few weeks it has gotten worse again. I noticed that if we had a 12 pack of beer, he would drink 8 or 9 of them. He stayed away from the hard stuff and stuck with beer because his DR, again, using the term loosely, said that beer is better for him than liquor. So now my husband has it in his head that it is okay to binge on beer... I started to notice the small Jack bottles in the garbage, and when I asked him about it, he said that he found it behind his computer monitor, or under the couch, or whatever. Today, he told me that he has been lying to me and that he has been buying liquor and hiding it from me. He told me he finished off a bottle of tequila and about 5 beers last night. I knew that something was up because he ususally does not get drunk off of beer, but last night he was slurring and drunk. I should have realized it then, but they say hindsight is 20/20 right? So, this morning, he went to get his work phone to call in sick, because he was hung over, and realized that the alcohol was controlling him. And he asked for my help. So...now what? Do I find him AA meetings, do I go to our church, do I just listen to him. I want to be a good support system for him, but I don't know the first step as to how to help him. I told him that I am going to stand beside him and love him and try to help him, I just don't know where to start. If anyone can give me some advise as to where to go from here, I would greatly appreiciate it.
I don't know how to help my husband. Over the past few years, my husband has been struggling with his drinking. He went into the hospital in February only to find that he already has liver damage. Before that he was drinking Jack or Captain every night, at least 3-4 drinks in a sitting. Once we left the hospital, we had decided to give his liver a break for a month to see if it would start to heal itself. So, being the good wife, i use the term loosely, after a month of no drinking, he started brining alcohol back into the house. Which I was okay with, because I guess I didn't want to see that there was a bigger problem. Over the past few weeks it has gotten worse again. I noticed that if we had a 12 pack of beer, he would drink 8 or 9 of them. He stayed away from the hard stuff and stuck with beer because his DR, again, using the term loosely, said that beer is better for him than liquor. So now my husband has it in his head that it is okay to binge on beer... I started to notice the small Jack bottles in the garbage, and when I asked him about it, he said that he found it behind his computer monitor, or under the couch, or whatever. Today, he told me that he has been lying to me and that he has been buying liquor and hiding it from me. He told me he finished off a bottle of tequila and about 5 beers last night. I knew that something was up because he ususally does not get drunk off of beer, but last night he was slurring and drunk. I should have realized it then, but they say hindsight is 20/20 right? So, this morning, he went to get his work phone to call in sick, because he was hung over, and realized that the alcohol was controlling him. And he asked for my help. So...now what? Do I find him AA meetings, do I go to our church, do I just listen to him. I want to be a good support system for him, but I don't know the first step as to how to help him. I told him that I am going to stand beside him and love him and try to help him, I just don't know where to start. If anyone can give me some advise as to where to go from here, I would greatly appreiciate it.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Welcome to the forum!
I found this site when I was in a very similar situation to you.
It's great that your husband has reached a point where he recognizes that alcohol is a problem for him - many people never even get there!
As far as what you can do to help him ... educate yourself about alcoholism.
Post here, check out an Al-Anon meeting, and read up on the effects that alcoholic behavior has on the family.
AA is an excellent resource for those who decide they want to quit.
I'm wishing you the best.
-TC
I found this site when I was in a very similar situation to you.
It's great that your husband has reached a point where he recognizes that alcohol is a problem for him - many people never even get there!
As far as what you can do to help him ... educate yourself about alcoholism.
Post here, check out an Al-Anon meeting, and read up on the effects that alcoholic behavior has on the family.
AA is an excellent resource for those who decide they want to quit.
I'm wishing you the best.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Welcome! If you want to help him you help yourself. That's all you can do. HE has to help himself. He's an adult- he knows he has a problem. There are many ways he can help himself- one would be to get real with another dr. Another would be to go to AA. He has the ability to pick up a phone book just as you do. Unfortunately this is the kind of stuff we do for our AHs. All it does is play into their helpless mentality- and you continue feeding that dysfunctional cycle by enabling him. I get it- but believe me- the only way he will get better is if he decides to do it for himself. In the meantime you need to take care of your own business. What does that mean for you? For me it meant going to al-anon, going to a therapist, coming to this forum for information, making sure take care of me- which is a hard concept for someone who spent years trying to take care of my AH. When I look back and realize how much time and energy I wasted on trying to "fix" his problems, I am really sad. 5 counselors- all dropped by him, dr. appointments- which he didn't take seriously, a 5 page single-spaced letter to a dr. pleading for help- for my AH! Pouring alcohol down the drain, helping him wake up in the morning after he'd been up all night drunk, making excuses for his bad behavior. . . ALL of it a big waste of time. It took me many years to realize that the only person I can control or help is ME. Keep reading- you will get many opinions on this subject. And (((Take care!)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
Welcome jesd1027,
since your main question is how to help him.
I would suggest you find out
where a AA & ALANON meeting are held in your area.
He sounds advanced, and AA can be very intimadating
to a New & advanced person, maybe attend a few meetings with him.
You do some Alanon for yourself.
Check into some inpatient treatment for him.
The very best time to 12 step a active alkie is the mourning after.
try and set up a couple AA guys to come and talk to him when he is
really hurting the mourning after. Do this prior to his drunk.
Kind of a intervention, the AA way.
good luck and welcome again
PS at this stage it's all hard stuff
since your main question is how to help him.
I would suggest you find out
where a AA & ALANON meeting are held in your area.
He sounds advanced, and AA can be very intimadating
to a New & advanced person, maybe attend a few meetings with him.
You do some Alanon for yourself.
Check into some inpatient treatment for him.
The very best time to 12 step a active alkie is the mourning after.
try and set up a couple AA guys to come and talk to him when he is
really hurting the mourning after. Do this prior to his drunk.
Kind of a intervention, the AA way.
good luck and welcome again
PS at this stage it's all hard stuff
Last edited by geees poncho; 05-02-2008 at 09:16 AM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR. You've received some great replies here. Attending open AA meetings from time to time in addition to my regular Alanon meetings was extremely helpful. Just keep in mind that you are going to educate yourself and gain some support for YOU.
If you can find some AA guys to come meet with your husband and if he agrees to it, that might be a good idea. Otherwise, the responsibility to get some help...depends on him and his own desire and willingness to change.
Attending the open AA meetings reinforced those facts to me and helped me learn to change and stop trying to fight a losing battle. I cannot control what somebody else does.
If you can find some AA guys to come meet with your husband and if he agrees to it, that might be a good idea. Otherwise, the responsibility to get some help...depends on him and his own desire and willingness to change.
Attending the open AA meetings reinforced those facts to me and helped me learn to change and stop trying to fight a losing battle. I cannot control what somebody else does.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiyajesd1027--
Welcome--
See if you can locate the local number for AA in your area. Give your hubby the number and tell him to call and say he needs a "12th step call!" The 12th stepper who met my dad for coffee the first night he reached out to AA turned out to be a guy my dad had known back in high school! Your husband will have to pick up this ball and run with it himself if he really wants sobriety/recovery - but you giving him the right number to call and then just backing off is being supportive without enabling.
Can you get to an AlAnon meeting for yourself? That's where families and friends of alcoholics go to learn to help themselves recover from the sick dynamic that is created when we are living with and loving an alcoholic/addict. Here on this SR forum and in AlAnon you can learn lots of new ways to think/behave/live that will benefit your whole family.
Good luck - and keep posting, no matter how things are going, collectively the men and women on this sight have pretty much seen and heard everything!!
Peace,
B.
Welcome--
See if you can locate the local number for AA in your area. Give your hubby the number and tell him to call and say he needs a "12th step call!" The 12th stepper who met my dad for coffee the first night he reached out to AA turned out to be a guy my dad had known back in high school! Your husband will have to pick up this ball and run with it himself if he really wants sobriety/recovery - but you giving him the right number to call and then just backing off is being supportive without enabling.
Can you get to an AlAnon meeting for yourself? That's where families and friends of alcoholics go to learn to help themselves recover from the sick dynamic that is created when we are living with and loving an alcoholic/addict. Here on this SR forum and in AlAnon you can learn lots of new ways to think/behave/live that will benefit your whole family.
Good luck - and keep posting, no matter how things are going, collectively the men and women on this sight have pretty much seen and heard everything!!
Peace,
B.
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