Confused...

Old 05-01-2008, 08:33 PM
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Confused...

So my AH has been staying at his grandmas house for one week.. I have stood my gound this long. He has stopped by the majority of those days to "see the kids" He doesn't even really play with him while he is here. For example, he gets on the computer while the baby is on his lap.. The other day I took the kids to his Grandma's ( she was at home ) So I could go to the grocery store in peace.. I thought this was a way my kids could spend time with him, safely b/c his grandma would babysit him too. And ultimatly I could avoid him coming to our house and him trying to talk to me.. I just need space from him right now.. Well he told me to leave the 5 year old there and take the baby with me.. I guess probably because our daughter is pretty self sufficient, and leaving the 13 month old would mean that he would actually have to get off his a**. Right?!? Well this really hurt me because I thought " how would my poor baby feel if he knew that ?" doesn't he miss him too?? Should I set limits on how often he can see his kids? He says he is clean. I have the knack now of looking at his eyes, or the way he carries himself and knowing if he is using.. We just know, right?. Problem is, you can't smell pills!
He talks about all the wrong things with me, like how he needs to be intimate.. Which of course isn't happening.. But he doesn't get it. Or how he wont let me divorce him, because " he knows that I would meet someone and he would kill them" "he just couldn't handle that".. He says that he is clean, and this is what he is worrying about?.. Not our kids, or our kids growing up without their father .. But about me finding someone else? Which is obviously the last thing on my mind!! I just don't get it.. Is he just immature, or is he so stoned that, these are the things that he actually thinks are important?
I just want to make the right decision.. Seriously he has relapsed again and again again.. Honestly I have lost count! If he is clean now, wonderful. My thinking is, I don't know that if he is sober, how long he will be. I have blinked and my baby is 5. I will blink again and she will be 10.. Part of me thinks I should just run now! She is only 5, and the baby is 1.. Its like gambling, I could run for the hills now, and play it safe so the kids won't remember much. Or wait another 5 years, and my kids will be old enough that it will profoundly effect them in every way, and they will not forget!!! Help!!!!!
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Old 05-01-2008, 08:44 PM
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((((Kate)))

It sounds like even if he is clean, he sure isn't working a recovery program. He's still thinking only of himself....he thinks of you in terms as if you leave him, he's not showing much interest in the kids.

Personally, I would keep as much distance from him as I could. You don't have to decide whether to divorce him right now...that's up to you. You absolutely have the right to stay away from him if you are getting nothing but misery from him.

I'm a recovering addict, and there is so much more to recovery than just not using. I had to realize that I made really bad choices and I hurt a lot of people. Saying "I'm sorry" just wasn't enough. I've had to rebuild trust and show, by my actions, that I want to continue to be a recovering addict...not just someone who uses.

It sounds, to me, like he's not accepting any responsibility and is still wanting to focus on anything but his addiction.

Take care of you and the kids. If he's not spending QUALITY time with them, then I don't see why he should keep coming around....other than to try to manipulate you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-02-2008, 03:43 PM
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Part of me thinks I should just run now! She is only 5, and the baby is 1.. Its like gambling, I could run for the hills now, and play it safe so the kids won't remember much.
I think the bigger gamble, would be to wait around and hope that things get better. That he matures. That he doesn't relapse.

Ask yourself, what is the WISE decision here, based on his past and present behavior.

Don't worry about him. He is an adult and he can take care of himself. If he wants to see his kids he'll make it work. But it's your job to protect your babies. He's not going to. Obviously. He's more concerned about "being intimate". My ex was the same way. He has a lot of issues to work out before he can be a truly capable parent.
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Old 05-02-2008, 03:57 PM
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Yes, he's immature.
Yes, he's selfish.

If he's not really interested in seeing the kids, then keep them to yourself. They need mom, especially at these young ages. If he doesn't "get it" you can't force him to magically wake up.

What kind of boundaries do you want?

And how old is he? He sounds young or very immature. (No offense to the young peeps out there who are VERY mature and I know there are a good amount out there.)

And finally (most important) what is best for the kids? What is he teaching them by only half paying attention?
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Old 05-02-2008, 07:12 PM
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Yes. I think that he is just very immature... He will be 28 this month~~!!! Bet that one suprised you huh?!
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Old 05-02-2008, 07:47 PM
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Someone once told me that addicts stay frozen at the age they started to use. My abf is stuck at 2. They have to learn to grow up. Just like they learn to get sober.
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