You stop enabling and are told "You don't care about me!"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 24
You stop enabling and are told "You don't care about me!"
I know everyone who has stopped enabling knows what I am talking about. You detach, go about your business, and don't harass the person anymore, and you are told "You don't care what happens to me!"
Addicts are so manipulative. I see a relapse coming soon. I am going about my business, working, doing what I need to do, and my alcoholic/crack addicted spouse "in recovery" (read: dry drunk, verbally and emotionally abusive) is gearing himself up for taking off all of Memorial Day weekend; from Friday until Tuesday. He is also picking fights with everyone in the family and being nasty to me on a daily basis. Why? Because he is looking for an excuse to relapse.
No, there are no little children involved, only a grown one. And no, I am not leaving; this is my house. He knows that if he goes out Memorial Day weekend, I will not call him or try to follow him, and I will change the locks. I already bought a new one.
Why anyone would throw away their home, family, degree, job, security, everything, to drink or get high is beyond me. I have an addictive personality and I know I do so I never picked up alcohol or drugs even as a teenager, because I knew I'd end up with a problem.
I want back the man I married. I married a person who had been clean and sober for several years before we even met. I never thought I would be dealing with this selfish, childish behavior. He is only better when he goes to meetings and reads his books and he hasn't done that in ages. I hate living with a dry drunk. Co-Dependent No More helped tremendously, so does Al-Anon, and I am told "you don't care about me."
I am glad I have a good job and my own income because I always fear he will relapse and screw up his job. Now that I have been making changes (I stopped crying, pleading, nagging, chasing), he is not happy and threatens to go out and drink/drug all the time. He says I don't love him. I see the relapse coming; then he will cry and beg me to forgive him. I am disgusted because he knows where it has landed him in the past.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Gena
Addicts are so manipulative. I see a relapse coming soon. I am going about my business, working, doing what I need to do, and my alcoholic/crack addicted spouse "in recovery" (read: dry drunk, verbally and emotionally abusive) is gearing himself up for taking off all of Memorial Day weekend; from Friday until Tuesday. He is also picking fights with everyone in the family and being nasty to me on a daily basis. Why? Because he is looking for an excuse to relapse.
No, there are no little children involved, only a grown one. And no, I am not leaving; this is my house. He knows that if he goes out Memorial Day weekend, I will not call him or try to follow him, and I will change the locks. I already bought a new one.
Why anyone would throw away their home, family, degree, job, security, everything, to drink or get high is beyond me. I have an addictive personality and I know I do so I never picked up alcohol or drugs even as a teenager, because I knew I'd end up with a problem.
I want back the man I married. I married a person who had been clean and sober for several years before we even met. I never thought I would be dealing with this selfish, childish behavior. He is only better when he goes to meetings and reads his books and he hasn't done that in ages. I hate living with a dry drunk. Co-Dependent No More helped tremendously, so does Al-Anon, and I am told "you don't care about me."
I am glad I have a good job and my own income because I always fear he will relapse and screw up his job. Now that I have been making changes (I stopped crying, pleading, nagging, chasing), he is not happy and threatens to go out and drink/drug all the time. He says I don't love him. I see the relapse coming; then he will cry and beg me to forgive him. I am disgusted because he knows where it has landed him in the past.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Gena
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Good for You!
I'm glad to see that you are no longer letting his disease keep you sick.
I'm sure this will give hope to those who are still wrapped up tightly in someone that they love's life.
I'm a recovery addict/alcoholic.
I lied to those I love, I blamed them for my problems, I stole to feed my disease, I cheated at eveything in life, I manipulated anyone within reach, I conned anyone I could, I schemed to get what I wanted, I put guilt trips on people who loved me, I used anyone to get anything I wanted, regardless of who I hurt. . . . . . . . .
I pray that he will eventually see that enabling isn't love.
It's helping him stay sick.
I congratulate you for taking control of your life and realizing that if and when he picks up, it has absolutely nothing to do with what you did or didn't do.
Yes, it's his disease, but it affects everyone in his life.
I will Pray that he soon realizes that he needs help and gets it.
God Bless,
Judy
I'm glad to see that you are no longer letting his disease keep you sick.
I'm sure this will give hope to those who are still wrapped up tightly in someone that they love's life.
I'm a recovery addict/alcoholic.
I lied to those I love, I blamed them for my problems, I stole to feed my disease, I cheated at eveything in life, I manipulated anyone within reach, I conned anyone I could, I schemed to get what I wanted, I put guilt trips on people who loved me, I used anyone to get anything I wanted, regardless of who I hurt. . . . . . . . .
I pray that he will eventually see that enabling isn't love.
It's helping him stay sick.
I congratulate you for taking control of your life and realizing that if and when he picks up, it has absolutely nothing to do with what you did or didn't do.
Yes, it's his disease, but it affects everyone in his life.
I will Pray that he soon realizes that he needs help and gets it.
God Bless,
Judy
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Gena,
Addicts do what addicts do. And you're right, often they do things to create a disturbance in order to justify a relapse...
I know when I started to set boundaries and changed how I handled conversations and confrontations, my A got meaner and MORE confrontational. He was very comfortable with our method of interaction: he'd get mean and verbally abusive, I would argue for a bit and then would give into whatever he said or wanted in order to make him STOP.
I changed the steps to our dance! He actually said to me once: "You're not doing it right. I do this and you do that. I say this and you say that. What's UP with you?"
Little by little, I got better and more consistent with my boundaries. I got healthier and stronger.
One day at a time. It works. It did for me.
Addicts do what addicts do. And you're right, often they do things to create a disturbance in order to justify a relapse...
I know when I started to set boundaries and changed how I handled conversations and confrontations, my A got meaner and MORE confrontational. He was very comfortable with our method of interaction: he'd get mean and verbally abusive, I would argue for a bit and then would give into whatever he said or wanted in order to make him STOP.
I changed the steps to our dance! He actually said to me once: "You're not doing it right. I do this and you do that. I say this and you say that. What's UP with you?"
Little by little, I got better and more consistent with my boundaries. I got healthier and stronger.
One day at a time. It works. It did for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 47
So glad I logged in...I had a bad night with my AH. I'm, too, trying to "detach, go about my business, and not harass the person anymore" and he's trying to fight and pout about a boundary I set (no use of my car). He says to me, "How long is this going to go on?" Well, forever, babe, if you don't get your **** together (thought). "We can discuss this rationally, if you want, but you are putting me on the spot--again--because you want the car right now." (said) He storms out, comes back, sits and pouts, then asks me for $20 (from his check--above and beyond his weekly share of the house--so I gave it to him), then went out again. All this is after asking me to come get his check today, so he wouldn't have the money trigger.
Surprisingly, I'm not even worried about whether he comes home drunk, high, or not at all. I just journaled about 6 pages of vent then came here. I'm just sick of him making me out to be the "bad guy" when he's the one screwing up his situation.
That's it, really. Not trying to hijack the thread, Addict's Wife, just letting you know I completely share your frustrations right now.
Surprisingly, I'm not even worried about whether he comes home drunk, high, or not at all. I just journaled about 6 pages of vent then came here. I'm just sick of him making me out to be the "bad guy" when he's the one screwing up his situation.
That's it, really. Not trying to hijack the thread, Addict's Wife, just letting you know I completely share your frustrations right now.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Hahhahahahaahha I was told that Alanon was to teach people not to help other people when he wasn't getting enabled anymore.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Originally Posted by Addict's Wife 
I know everyone who has stopped enabling knows what I am talking about. You detach, go about your business, and don't harass the person anymore, and you are told "You don't care what happens to me!"
Addicts are so manipulative. I see a relapse coming soon. I am going about my business, working, doing what I need to do, and my alcoholic/crack addicted spouse "in recovery" (read: dry drunk, verbally and emotionally abusive) is gearing himself up for taking off all of Memorial Day weekend; from Friday until Tuesday. He is also picking fights with everyone in the family and being nasty to me on a daily basis. Why? Because he is looking for an excuse to relapse.
No, there are no little children involved, only a grown one. And no, I am not leaving; this is my house. He knows that if he goes out Memorial Day weekend, I will not call him or try to follow him, and I will change the locks. I already bought a new one.
Why anyone would throw away their home, family, degree, job, security, everything, to drink or get high is beyond me. I have an addictive personality and I know I do so I never picked up alcohol or drugs even as a teenager, because I knew I'd end up with a problem.
I want back the man I married. I married a person who had been clean and sober for several years before we even met. I never thought I would be dealing with this selfish, childish behavior. He is only better when he goes to meetings and reads his books and he hasn't done that in ages. I hate living with a dry drunk. Co-Dependent No More helped tremendously, so does Al-Anon, and I am told "you don't care about me."
I am glad I have a good job and my own income because I always fear he will relapse and screw up his job. Now that I have been making changes (I stopped crying, pleading, nagging, chasing), he is not happy and threatens to go out and drink/drug all the time. He says I don't love him. I see the relapse coming; then he will cry and beg me to forgive him. I am disgusted because he knows where it has landed him in the past.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Gena
Addicts are so manipulative. I see a relapse coming soon. I am going about my business, working, doing what I need to do, and my alcoholic/crack addicted spouse "in recovery" (read: dry drunk, verbally and emotionally abusive) is gearing himself up for taking off all of Memorial Day weekend; from Friday until Tuesday. He is also picking fights with everyone in the family and being nasty to me on a daily basis. Why? Because he is looking for an excuse to relapse.
No, there are no little children involved, only a grown one. And no, I am not leaving; this is my house. He knows that if he goes out Memorial Day weekend, I will not call him or try to follow him, and I will change the locks. I already bought a new one.
Why anyone would throw away their home, family, degree, job, security, everything, to drink or get high is beyond me. I have an addictive personality and I know I do so I never picked up alcohol or drugs even as a teenager, because I knew I'd end up with a problem.
I want back the man I married. I married a person who had been clean and sober for several years before we even met. I never thought I would be dealing with this selfish, childish behavior. He is only better when he goes to meetings and reads his books and he hasn't done that in ages. I hate living with a dry drunk. Co-Dependent No More helped tremendously, so does Al-Anon, and I am told "you don't care about me."
I am glad I have a good job and my own income because I always fear he will relapse and screw up his job. Now that I have been making changes (I stopped crying, pleading, nagging, chasing), he is not happy and threatens to go out and drink/drug all the time. He says I don't love him. I see the relapse coming; then he will cry and beg me to forgive him. I am disgusted because he knows where it has landed him in the past.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Gena
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 24
Judy,
Thank you for the perspective from the other side. You are brave to admit what you did.
When people stopped enabling you, esp. those closest to you, how did you respond? What did you do/say to them?
This morning he told me he's sick of the 9-5 Ward Cleaver life and he's sick of being married because he said his lunch I made was mundane.
Tonight he came home and wanted sex and expected me to be forgiving and said that he said those things out of frustration because he's been having "drug dreams"!
WTF!!!!!
Thank you for the perspective from the other side. You are brave to admit what you did.
When people stopped enabling you, esp. those closest to you, how did you respond? What did you do/say to them?
This morning he told me he's sick of the 9-5 Ward Cleaver life and he's sick of being married because he said his lunch I made was mundane.
Tonight he came home and wanted sex and expected me to be forgiving and said that he said those things out of frustration because he's been having "drug dreams"!
WTF!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Taiwan (expat)
Posts: 52
A's are always happier when everyone around them matches their extreme moods.
They don't understand how anyone could remain detached from their highs and lows.
It makes them frustrated to see a former CODA indifferent.
Probably because: it takes years for a coda to become detached!
In the meantime, they grow to expect extreme EMOTIONAL responces.
They don't understand how anyone could remain detached from their highs and lows.
It makes them frustrated to see a former CODA indifferent.
Probably because: it takes years for a coda to become detached!
In the meantime, they grow to expect extreme EMOTIONAL responces.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
