blue_Icecream

Hi guys,

I actually feel a bit silly asking about this - as part of my background means that I have difficulty asking for help and being open. But I was wondering if any of you, as adult children of alcoholics, have experience with cheating partners?

I currently suspect my girlfriend of cheating on me, but I can't shake the fact that this may just be me and my issues clouding my view. Due to our circumstances we won't see each other again until the end of the month, and after a few weeks together, not for a while after that. A couple of weeks ago she said she wanted to take a break from our relationship after that visit, but then the next day she said she loved me too much to possibly want to do that and she was sorry for even suggesting it. I figured that things were ok after that, but ever since, communication has been sparse and distant (understandably, she has exams at the moment, but things are just... different in other ways).

As a result of the progress I've made personally since discovering the whole acoa thing, I've started telling myself that whether or not she is cheating, any relationship I don't feel happy in, isn't something I should stay with. Maybe in a way my own happiness is just as important as my girlfriend's, and that I should take action and remedy something that is turning bad. I've actually been worrying so much as to make myself become physically ill, and angry all the time, and I'm starting to realise that I owe myself not to put myself through it anymore.

Any experience in this area? Journalling the other day, I actually wrote something that pretty much sums things up: "I may have had no choice but to put up with bad situations making me unhappy and angry as a child, but now I have a situation I can change". As painful and horrible as this all is, I'm actually feeling a sense of pride in myself at at least being willing to end things and make a healthy decision for myself. Is that sick?

Thanks guys.

blue_Icecream

Another thing I'm starting to think is that there's no point obsessing over this. I'm still full of bad habits and found myself lying in bed the other day, unable to sleep, making a profile of the kind of guy she'd be cheating on me with. I recognise that as totally futile and only robbing me of my own peace.

best

Two things I figured out...
Ask yourself this question... What would you do if she is cheating? Not what do you think you would do but what would you really do?
Now take that answer and use it..."if" she ever does cheat. For today, don't worry about it.
Now as for trust issues or lack of that we may have...
In my thoughts, what I think could be happening and after making myself sick from such thoughts and then doing all the checking up, searching phone records and bank accounts... I found out that 100% of my misguided thoughts were wrong. So back to part one.... Do nothing till such a day ... "If" such ever happens and then based on your answer ... deal with it then.
My low selfesteem at the time had me think such things as... Why wouldn't she? I am not worth all that much.
The truth being though... Why would she if I am doing the things I should as a husband. We can worry ourself sick with falsehoods or we can live life based on facts and enjoy the moment.

GingerM

I don't see how something that is healthy (taking care of you) is sick.

Do you have any hard evidence of infidelity? If not, then you need to take care of yourself in some other way - like honesty. We learn, as ACoAs to hide things, all sorts of things, things about others, things about ourselves.

Part of the path to recovery includes learning how to be honest, with yourself AND with others. This means that the easiest way to peace for you is to have a heart-to-heart with your girlfriend. Be honest about how it's making you feel (sick and angry with worry) and that you'd like her to give you the dignity of an honest answer. That her initial asking for a break has made you nervous and that that nervousness is making your life very miserable.

Be honest with her - boldly, blatantly, completely honest. And see what she does with that. Sometimes asking someone to grant you the dignity of an honest response will encourage them to be honest in return (sometimes not though).

My 2 cp.

blue_Icecream

That's very good advice, thank you. That's my main worry, that my thoughts are entirely misguided and a result of my own trust issues. For now I am going to stop all the "profiling" of potential "candidates", and stop obsessing over old conversations in my head and looking for something strange. One thing I've been trying to remind myself all year is that worrying about these things is beyond my control. As you say, I can only control what I do IF things turn out this way.

Any tips on really getting the bad thoughts out of my head? What I've been doing so far is starting journalling as soon as angry and suspicious thoughts come to my head. It helps a lot. Thanks again!

blue_Icecream

Thanks Ginger, that makes a lot of sense. Out of respect, I'll wait until her exams are over - and then be honest about how I'm feeling instead of trying to analyse and ask baiting questions.

GingerM

If you have any single person in your life (alive or dead) who you trusted and who gave you good advice, when you get into the memory that triggers the bad thoughts, imagine that person walking in during the memory (not in the present, but when the issue first came up that you're remembering) and talking to you with encouraging or guiding sense.

I'm not sure what form that might take for you, but the person could say something like "Blue, have you considered that your girlfriend may be telling you the truth?" or "Blue, if she *is* having an affair, what do you plan to do about it?" What that person says to you is kind of dependent on their usual style of communication.

I've used this technique with really good results for getting rid of bad memories from my childhood. I have my therapist "walk in" on the memory and talk to me. Since I've known him a long time, I know what he'd say (or can guess pretty closely). The key to the technique is that you need to remain in the memory (I usually close my eyes) and then bring your 'helper person' into the memory at the same time.

blue_Icecream

Hi guys,

Just thought I'd give an update. We talked, and it's now all but officially over: we're still going to enjoy our three week vacation together starting at the end of the month, but it'll be a way of saying goodbye and hopefully gaining closure on the relationship, as due to moving to different countries we're unlikely to ever see each other again afterwards.

There's both an intense sense of liberation, and a lot of sadness/anger in me at the moment. We both have been wanting to end things for a while now, but that doesn't stop it from being a loss, if that makes sense. There was, as far as I know, no infidelity, just her trying to detach from me ready to say what I didn't have the courage to say at the time, so I'm grateful for that.

As painful as it all is, I see a lot of growth coming from it; over the last few months I've come to strongly believe that we're all in the exact place we're meant to be, and that it'll all make sense at some stage. I'm only 20, so this is also my first breakup, which realistically was always going to be something I had to learn to deal with.

Right now I'm handling it by letting myself feel everything that comes - all the anger, resentment, sadness, relief etc is all real and I'm not going to hide it away with alcohol like I used to do in the hard times in my life (I'm an alcoholic). It's only been a day, so easy does it. I'm not prepared to carry any baggage or resentments from this into the future, so I think that our final few weeks together will be a time of healing and closure.

Thanks again guys. I rarely post but I read here every day, and I can't begin to express how much reading your posts helps me in my life.

GiveLove

Hi icecream,

It sounds like you're seeing this very clearly....as the end of a relationship that doesn't feed either one of you. I'm glad you recognize that it's not supposed to be easy (after all, you've invested in this relationship, you're not supposed to just be able to throw it away without a second thought, like a old sock)

You will come through this and be a stronger, happier, and more resilient person for it. They say that the beginnings and ends of our relationships are the times of the greatest potential for growth......I have always found that journaling a lot during these times brings up a lot of things that grow me as a person, and make me happier in the long run.

Wishing you the best!!!

blue_Icecream

I like that way of putting it: "a relationship that doesn't feed either one of us". I'm glad that I'm able to recognise the relationship for what it was. The truth is I have been miserable in this relationship for a long time and never once thought of doing anything about it. I'm happy thought that we'll have June together to make any apologies, etc together, and simply to enjoy our time, even if that ends up being just as friends. It's really sad that we'll never see each other again - but perhaps it's meant to be that way, our relationship let us grow as people as much as possible and now we get to have absolute closure on it. It's still upsetting, painful and hard, but I'm just letting myself feel it all and grieve for what was once a wonderful relationship.

GingerM

Hey Blue,

I just wanted to let you know that while the first break-up is often the most difficult, you did very well with it. You were honest with yourself and with her (no playing head games). You are seeing it for what it is. You are not being hostile about it. You are not driving yourself insane with what-if's.

All of that is significantly better than, well, every breakup I ever had up until I left my last 2 fiances (not including my husband - I was engaged 5 times prior to meeting my now husband).

I will also say that breaking up is always hard. It's hard on the person getting dumped and hard on the person doing the dumping (which is probably why so many head games get played - no one wants to hurt or be hurt - but the reality is that it's going to hurt one way or the other, and by being honest, at least the hurt can have some dignity attached to it).

Of the 5 fiances prior to my husband, I dropped 4 and the other dropped me. The fifth one was the hardest as he was exceedingly good at manipulation and also an addict, he managed to find every bit of emotional baggage I had and use it to his advantage. Some break ups are harder than others.

But as Give Love said, it is a chance to mature. The fifth fiance was simultaneously the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. He tried to kill me (literally) and apparently that was what needed to happen for me to decide to take control of my life. He was my "bottom" and I hit it hard. Had he been nicer, I would probably have never started my recovery.

I have now been married to my hubby for 8 years. He was my 6th fiance but first husband. He fits me well and we have a healthy relationship. Had I not been through all the crap before, I would never have learned how to be healthy in a relationship.

While breaking up hurts, it is also a very good time to journal even more. Write down what you learned or think you learned or things you'd do differently, or write down how angry you are and why you're angry, then go back when the anger subsides and read it again to see what buttons got pushed. Very very useful.

I wish you peace.

blue_Icecream

Something very positive, but still very painful happened today. We've now ended things entirely, with no pretense of pretending to still be a couple until the end of June. We're now going to have our last month together as purely friends, with seperate rooms and everything. I recognise that it's for the best that way: that way it'll be easier on us when we have to leave each other for good at the end of the month, but it's still had a big impact on me, if that makes any sense. All sorts of little worries are nagging away at me now - for example, photography is one of my hobbies, and I'm worried about getting back to her house and seeing that she has taken down all of my photos. I could drive myself insane with stuff like that, but there's no point, so I'm trying not to focus on it.

It's funny, this thread started with me asking from the point of an acoa, but right now, I think I'm just going through something every normal person has to. I will grow a lot from it but that won't make it hurt any less. At the same time as being very sad and overcome, I'm starting to find more peace: we weren't right for each other, the situation was unmanageable, and we'll be much happier on our own - and in the future, we'll both be much happier with someone else than we ever could have been together.

I'm also happy for her in a way. All of my now-ex's previous boyfriends had been substance abusers, verbally abusive and even physically abusive. While I don't want to diminish or hide the fact that I have an alcohol problem, I wasn't drinking for most of our relationship and she openly acknowledges this as the best relationship she's ever had. That, in a way, brings me some peace: knowing that maybe I helped in some small way to break the cycle of abuse in her life, and that from now on, she'll be healthier.

I read somewhere on this forum about "growing pains": that sums it up perfectly for me

GiveLove

Good luck with your trip, Blue. I know that I would not be able to spend a month with someone as "just friends" at such a tender time; it would prolong the bad feelings and hurt too much, and I've agreed not to hurt myself any more. I hope you have a better time of it.

blue_Icecream

Well, things have become very 'interesting' over the last few days. Lots of friends that I isolated myself from during this relationship have come back into my life and helped me realise that right now I need to end this nonsense, so I'm cancelling my trip. I've also come to realise that my own codependency and desire for love led to me putting up with absolutely insane and ridiculous things during this relationship. I've also found out that my ex-little angel isn't quite the innocent victim I've always seen her as, that the common denominator in her previous string of dysfunctional relationships was her. I unfortunately chose to ignore a mountain of red flags and put up with all sorts of stuff, just in an attempt to be loved. To be honest, the main reason I didn't take any action was because I felt as though I'd somehow have 'failed' if this relationship didn't work: I wanted to be one of the few people in my family to have a good relationship. Someone brought to my attention that this relationship, from day one, was about me rescuing her and trying to look after her.

Moral of the story: a girl throwing up onto the table during the first date is a big red flag. Someone asked me why I didn't run a mile as soon as that happened, and the answer was, I'd been desperate so long to feel some love and closeness that a girl who initially needed me to look after her really made an impression on me. In a sick way it made me feel great to have her holding onto me during that first date and taking care of her. My first instinct was to run but I chose to ignore my real voice and thoughts, as I continued to do during the whole relationship.

Right now, I'm dealing with the financial repercussions of cancelling my trip and having to make alternate arrangements that could prove quite costly, I'm under a lot of stress and pressure, but for the first time in 6 months, I feel good about myself and happy with the person I am.

I sat down with a mutual friend of ours today and we just laughed until tears came to our eyes about how bizarre this whole relationship was. I talked about the guilt, blame and selfishness that was heaped onto me by my ex at various times and my friend said "I don't understand though, WHY DID YOU PUT UP WITH IT?" Very good question, and that's what I'll be focussing on before even considering another relationship.

Another interesting thought that came to my mind is that at the start of this relationship, I stopped abusing alcohol but instead became hooked on this person. I feel like I'm in a much better place now, as I can finally work on making myself healthier instead of obsessing over another person and her actions.

GingerM

I have a friend who dubbed this "taking on projects". My friend and I both got to the same spot at about the same time, and both of us swore that never again would we "take on another project".

I understand. I understand all too well. While my days of 'taking on projects' are far behind me now, I went through multiple 'projects', finally hitting bottom when one of my 'projects' tried to kill me.

Why do we put up with it? I think because knowing there is someone who depends on us makes us feel loved, and we confuse dependency with love. I've found that a dog or cat can give me the same feeling Except the dog/cat may actually love you back, and at least with dogs, they love you with much fewer reservations and a whole lot less strain on the pocketbook.

I'm very glad to hear this! And please don't be afraid to come here to either try to work things out in your own head without seeking advice, for moral support in the sorting-through that you're doing, or to ask advice of those who've made it to the other side of what you're working on. That's what we're here for.

(As an aside, good on ya for not taking the trip, despite the financial burden - my own opinion (worth the pixels it's displayed with) is that it just would have made things messier in the long run)

blue_Icecream

Things became a bit "interesting" in the end. Exgf told me she still loved me and that if we were meant to be, we'd find our way back to each other. Had a shaky few weeks working through my feelings but am on solid ground now. Today, I found out she's been telling people that we broke up because I was cheating on her, and instead of the big ol' codependent knot in the stomach, I just laughed.

About half an hour ago I realised there was one last necessary step, and I wrote her an email saying I'd decided it was in my best interest that we have no further contact (making sure to make it clear that I was doing this out of regard for my own wellbeing, not out of spite or malice). I'm a bit shaky but it feels like the right thing to have done.

Being at peace on my own is infinitely better than being in a codependent relationship. I'm glad I had the experience of this relationship, as now I have more of an idea of my boundaries, and what's unacceptable to me (before, the idea of boundaries was totally alien to me).

blue_Icecream

Now, though, I'm feeling intense guilt and worrying about how much I may have hurt her. I guess it shows I still have a way to go if I'm feeling guilty and worried about possibly upsetting someone who has toyed with my feelings and spread lies about me.

GiveLove

Ah, Blue, I know just how you feel. I remember how it felt when I finally said, "Okay, I have to go no-contact, for my own sanity." How guilty and worried I felt......especially since my X wasn't shy about telling me how wrong I was, how cruel I was....

You have done the right thing for yourself. She is putting out toxins that you don't need, and her hallmark-greeting-card "goodbye" isn't worth beans, in light of the lies she's spreading about you. As if you'd WANT to find your way back to someone who thinks so little of you that they'd spread false rumors among your friends. What's that expression -- "with friends like that, who needs enemies" ?

Take a deep breath, blue, and know that you're gonna be okay, and she's gonna be okay. Step into your future, where there are people waiting for you who will truly respect and appreciate and love you.

Hugs,
GL

lizw

I'm not a 20 year old guy ice cream but I can so relate to what your saying and what you've been through. I would like to say it only happened in my life 1 x but so far I'm up to 4 x. I'm an alcoholic too and I think I put down the booze and picked up relationships instead.

I've seen a lot of my good friends do this in recovery too and I don't judge them for it, as I would probably still doing it had I not got physically sick. My sponsor tells me that's why she believes I am ill. It's gods way of giving me the kick in the behind I need to stop wasting my life by placing it in the hands of other people/my partners etc...

More recently it has occured to me that while I think I am 'saving' whoever I get involved with, or plan to get involved with, that at the same time they have or probably had thought they were saving me too, hence when I am not grateful they got abusive. I don't know if this is true or not but it's a totally new way of looking at this kinda of stuff for me. I'm not saying this is your case, just what's happened to me recently.

Thanks for your sharing.

Wascally Wabbit

Oh the many break ups I have had. I learned a lesson with each one.
To my own self be true.

Believe me, in just a short time, you will be a different person. You will be so thankful that you didn't allow yourself to start drinking again. You will see that you're much stronger now, and better equipped for the future.
Drinking never makes anything better. It only destroys what you do have.

Hold on. I promise that sunny day is just around the corner.