Always the Bad Guy

Old 05-01-2008, 02:55 PM
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Always the Bad Guy

No matter what I do or say, my abf always makes me out to be the bad guy. I'm trying to build a future for US, and that's why I don't tolerate his drinking. Today, he e-mails me asking me if it's ok if he goes golfing Saturday morning with one of his friends. Sounds innocent, right? I'm not an idiot. I know that he would go golfing, and then drink. I know he would drink all day and probably wouldn't come home. So, I e-mailed him back, and then he said telling him that I can't control what he does, but if he chooses to drink, then he can just stay out for good. So, now I suck. I'm the bad guy who doesn't let him do anything or go anywhere. It's so frustrating. It's like dealing with a little kid who can't have all the candy he wants.
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Old 05-01-2008, 03:33 PM
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You can't build a future for someone else. He has to build his own future. If it's with you, and both of you are happy with the terms, that's great....But, if not....what do you hope to accomplish?
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Old 05-01-2008, 03:39 PM
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I must be feeling a little sassy tonight. It's probably because I no longer live with my exAH. This refusal of our AH's to grow up and accept manhood/fatherhood/any hood just annoys the he!l out of me.

I'm sorry that you are aggravated with your boyfriend, Daisy. He sounds like a 15 year old whiny son or daughter to me. Boys naturally mature more slowly than girls, but if you put alcohol in the mix, they say it stops their emotional maturity dead in its tracks at the same emotional age they were when they first started drinking. Are you tired of teeange behavior yet? Didn't you think that he would stop it by a certain age?

You are miles ahead of this guy, sister. You will continue to mature and change in your dreams and values. Life does this. Your boyfriend is an alcoholic. Not only does he not see YOUR value, your wonderfulness as a loving girlfriend, he is manipulating you right into codependency without you even seeing it coming. Be aware. Go on the attack and read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More." You may still be at the stage where you just KNOW he will one day catch up to you in the dreams you have for your future. As long as he is drinking and "retarding" his own emotional growth, you two will always be at different playing levels in the process of life. He will NEVER be the man you want him to be in your dreams, in your wistful thoughts, as long as he is drinking.

I thought that marriage would mean GROWING together, not just me acting all mom-like and responsible so my guy could play hard at life with or without me. What in the world is wrong with maturing and growing up anyway? I LOVE being mature, being wiser and more in touch with spirituality and love. I like the slowing down and taking in little moments that aging gracefully is bringing me. I revel in nuturing myself and indulging in what brings me joy. I work hard and take care of my expenses SO THAT I can have a wonderful, happy home. I love home. It's everything nurturing is supposed to be, and in this space I allow myself to accept change and even enjoy it (after that damn residual codie-scared reaction takes place first) and I know that THIS is how I am supposed to live life, at peace and in MY way.

It's okay to admit that this relationship is not progressing as it should be, Daisy. If your boyfriend doesn't quit drinking for the next 5 years and You grow even futher into becoming an ever changing, mature woman, will you still want to be living the life you are RIGHT now? If this man NEVER changes (and he won't as long as he is drinking) is he the one you want to share life with, share joys of careers, your home, children, family weddings and birthday parties and vacations?

Is he someone you will always hold high in esteem and feel lovingly proud of? Will he feel the same joy in his heart when he looks at you? A future, a marriage, involves so much challenge, tremendous changes, and also so much opportunity for growth together as a committed couple. If he NEVER quits drinking, are you prepared to NEVER have your dream?
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Old 05-01-2008, 04:20 PM
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Hi Daisy,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad to meet you.
It's so frustrating. It's like dealing with a little kid who can't have all the candy he wants.
Asking me a question and getting angry at the reply is the kind of game that stops when I decide not to play along any longer.

He is not a kid and do you really want to be in charge of 'all the candy' or allow him to make his own decisions and _then_ decide what your own actions will be after he makes his choice?

This phrase that I learned in Alanon has made a huge difference for me and how I relate to an alcoholic or addict.

The three C's of alcoholism:
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Cure it.
I can't Control it.
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Old 05-01-2008, 04:24 PM
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I suspect he is using what you say to justify his drinking in his mind, that he is believing you are the bad guy driving him to drink. A common characteristic for alcoholics from what I understand.

It very hard to build a future with an active alcoholic. It means you are going to be the one playing the role of the responsible adult (to some extent or another most likely). It means there is not going to be equality in the relationship since an active A is incapable of giving you what you want in a relationship.

Only you can decide if you want to fight against his preference for alcohol over everything else in his world.
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Old 05-01-2008, 08:42 PM
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peaceteach...I am SOOOOO with you right now.
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Old 05-02-2008, 06:35 AM
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Last night, he told me that he really appreciates my efforts to keep him from going out and drinking. He said he knows he gets angry at me, but in the end he doesn't know where he would be without me. He said right now he's trying to keep from drinking, and he's thinking of hobbies to keep him busy. He's still trying to find a psychiatrist to deal with his depression, but nobody will call him back I told him I don't trust him. He said he hates it; he hates that he doesn't have any access to our checking account, and that's he made to feel like a 5 year-old. But in the end, he did it to himself. If I had done the things he had over and over, he would feel the same way. Trust is something that's easy to lose and almost impossible to regain.
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Old 05-02-2008, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by DaisyBuchanan View Post
Last night, he told me that he really appreciates my efforts to keep him from going out and drinking. He said he knows he gets angry at me, but in the end he doesn't know where he would be without me. He said right now he's trying to keep from drinking, and he's thinking of hobbies to keep him busy. He's still trying to find a psychiatrist to deal with his depression, but nobody will call him back I told him I don't trust him. He said he hates it; he hates that he doesn't have any access to our checking account, and that's he made to feel like a 5 year-old. But in the end, he did it to himself. If I had done the things he had over and over, he would feel the same way. Trust is something that's easy to lose and almost impossible to regain.
I couldn't build a future with someone I couldn't trust.
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Old 05-02-2008, 10:30 AM
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I'm with you, Lucy. Why would anyone want to build a future with an alcoholic partner who isn't trustworthy enough to allow him access to their checking account? It makes absolutely no sense.
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Old 05-02-2008, 10:35 AM
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He is not a kid and do you really want to be in charge of 'all the candy' or allow him to make his own decisions and _then_ decide what your own actions will be after he makes his choice
I agree. Once I became the booze monitor, it allwoed me to blame myself for his drinking and he knew it..bc on cue, he would say something almost exactly like this.

Last night, he told me that he really appreciates my efforts to keep him from going out and drinking. He said he knows he gets angry at me, but in the end he doesn't know where he would be without me. He said right now he's trying to keep from drinking, and he's thinking of hobbies to keep him busy. He's still trying to find a psychiatrist to deal with his depression, but nobody will call him back
he hates that he doesn't have any access to our checking account, and that's he made to feel like a 5 year-old
I did this too and you know, I treated him like a 5 year old and it didnt help him act responsible, it gave him an excuse to be irresponsible.


Ill share something...once I realized we were both adults and I was not a mother to a young child and shouldnt be babysitting his drining, my money, his social activities, etc..I felt better.
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Old 05-02-2008, 10:51 AM
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Switching from hard liquor to beer in an attempt to "drink healthier" is sort of like me adding onions and green peppers on top of my pizza when my doctor tells me I need to eat healthier. What better way to get my four veggies a day than on top of a half dozen slices of deep-dish pizza?

See how this thinking is flawed no matter what the substance is?
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Old 05-02-2008, 11:55 AM
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I texted him today and said I'm done fighting. I'm done crying. I am just going to live my life. I said that he will make his own choices. I'm done trying to change things I have no control over. It's taken a toll on me.

The choice is his. I don't have to stay with him. He says he's making an effort to change, but only time will tell. I keep on telling myself that I can walk away at any time. I don't have to be with an alcoholic. It gives me strength. I was able to live without him before I met him, and I'm able to live without him now. I'm an independent woman who is able to support herself. If he chooses alcohol over me, then what choice do I really have?

Everybody on this site has been very helpful. I feel like I'm in the first steps of breaking the cycle.

:ghug
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Old 05-02-2008, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by DaisyBuchanan View Post
I texted him today and said I'm done fighting. I'm done crying. I am just going to live my life. I said that he will make his own choices. I'm done trying to change things I have no control over. It's taken a toll on me.

The choice is his. I don't have to stay with him.
The choice is yours, make the right one for you. Look after you Daisy x
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Old 05-03-2008, 04:12 AM
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You sound like me many years ago.
Until I educated myself on this God awful disease,I was banging my head in the wall.
Please don't keep letting him put HIS crap on you.
Save yourself,you are so worth it.
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Old 05-03-2008, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by DaisyBuchanan View Post
It's taken a toll on me. The choice is his. I don't have to stay with him.... I keep on telling myself that I can walk away at any time. I don't have to be with an alcoholic. It gives me strength. I was able to live without him before I met him, and I'm able to live without him now. I'm an independent woman who is able to support herself.
:ghug
Give yourself permission to take a break. You were right when you said time will tell. Give it some time and watch his choices. What would happen if you stayed out of his way and watched his choices? What would you decide?
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Old 05-03-2008, 09:39 AM
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Awesome post peaceteach!!


Originally Posted by DaisyBuchanan View Post
No matter what I do or say, my abf always makes me out to be the bad guy. I'm trying to build a future for US, and that's why I don't tolerate his drinking. Today, he e-mails me asking me if it's ok if he goes golfing Saturday morning with one of his friends. Sounds innocent, right? I'm not an idiot. I know that he would go golfing, and then drink. I know he would drink all day and probably wouldn't come home. So, I e-mailed him back, and then he said telling him that I can't control what he does, but if he chooses to drink, then he can just stay out for good. So, now I suck. I'm the bad guy who doesn't let him do anything or go anywhere. It's so frustrating. It's like dealing with a little kid who can't have all the candy he wants.
Same exact thing xabf said and did. Towards the end this exact behavior is when I finally said I'M DONE!! I was so sick of being the beotch. It was my fault he drank, he would start a fight on purpose as he knew the outcome would be that both of us would be angry and bad words exchanged and thus his way out to get out of the house to go party with his buddies.

Pure insanity!!!
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