ToughChoices

My AH and I separated upon his return from rehab. It was my hope to give him the space to make his own decisions and "own" his own recovery. If it all fell apart I wouldn't have to feel the chaos in my life - I wouldn't have to come home to it.

But when he drank on Tuesday, I still felt the chaos. Physical distance isn't enough when you are still very emotionally engaged with someone, and I've got some serious emotion tied into this man.

I'm thinking about detachment today. True freedom from someone else's pain.

How does one achieve this?

I think maybe, for me, it will require removing the insidious "best case" scenario that's been stubbornly stuck in my mind. I must start behaving as though I am going to be living my life on my own. I must make financial arrangements for this scenario, and I must truly start to accept that AH, try as he may, will probably never be the partner that I desire. I must see my life without him as an excellent possibility.

He can recommit to sobriety. He can apologize. He can get a desire chip.

But only time will tell the truth about his willingness to change. For my own sanity, I mustn't allow myself to get pulled back into hoping.

Perhaps true detachment lets you step back and closely observe, see the truth and not allow the truth to crush you with disappointment.

What steps did you take to detach?

jehnifer

Emotional detachment is so hard. My sponsor told me to start with physical detachment. It doesn't work perfectly but removign myself even if for an afternoon is a step in the right direction. I get some relief by realizing I AM IN CONTROL.

Barbara52

For me the first step was moving out. The second was insisting on no contact for a couple of months. That gave me time to begin my healing and with that healing came the certainty that I had done what was right for me and for AH. That certainty led to the ability to separate my emotions from his actions or lackof action.

cmc

My detaching had to do with an adult child. How I did it was gradual as 'my' needs demanded it. I detached at first in ways that I knew I was able to follow through with.

I detached according to how his behavior affected me. In our family situation there was alot of back & forth to the detaching over a period of several years when he was doing well.

Some areas of the detachment remained constant though- meaning that some of our issues had more permanent solutions-even to this day now that he has been clean for over two years and has a good life.

You asked how to do this. I tried to detach first off from any situation that caused me harm, and secondly over anything else that caused me needless grief or pain.

Once I learned that my 'not detaching' was not working, and making things worse for everyone involved I was able to realize that it must be done

witsendtrying2

I am struggling with detachment as well. For such a long time, I thought I was actually helping my D. I now realise that I was enabling her and was copendendant. I have found myself still wanting to ask questions and do things for her, but understand that none of this is to happen. She must do for herself. If she doesn't she doesn't suffer the consequences and so it continues.

It is so hard knowing what needs to be done and to allow her to go head first into the mistakes she is about to make. Maternal instinct is a problem at times. I had to understand that even though she is my D, she is an adult and had to make her own choices, albeit the wrong choices in my eyes.

On thinking about it, each time I did something for her, she would abuse my empathy and kick me in the teeth. It is hard detaching from what became habital but each day when I go to ask a question or do something for her, I stop myself. I still worry about her, but am learning to dismiss this worry quite quickly now.

Not my concern anyore. Everything in and about her life is in her hands. My responsibility ended a long time ago, but have only just discovered that my biggest responsibility now is to detach emotionally from her. Very hard at first but achieveable with practice. I'm still in practice mode.

Mair

I read codependant no more. Wrote down all the things that i no longer wanted in my life, and started setting my bounderies. They worked for me, but what i found was the longer i stayed away from him the better i felt, it was like a practice run for the real thing, which was eventually total detachment and no contact.

I also found that the more bounderies i put in place, the manipulation and lies from my xab would increase, and the only way i wanted to deal with these lies was to never see him again, i had hit my bottom.

Mair

mallowcup

I'm not sure I agree with your interpretation of detachment is.

Barbara52

For me the only possible detachment was total and complete detachment, emotionally and physically, simply because my AH refuses to even entertain the possibility that he ia an alcoholic. I do recognize that there are many levels of detachment, many of which do not involve what I did.

wish he'd quit

I have basically gone completely emotionless. I'm not even sure how I got to this phase other than realizing that I do not like the situation. I realized that if I surrounded myself with people that make me happy and lift my spirits then I don't feel alone. It also keeps me out of the situation for a few.

My problem is the physical detachment. Not because I like sex with him or anything like that. But if I don't then he easily becomes verbally abusive and manipulative. He knows that I wont do anything if he is drunk or close to it. But its the days when he decides to be all nice that I have to do my finagling to get out of it.

cmc

Being who "I" am and not having my sense of well being depend entirely on what somebody else does is one way I detach. I am 'me' first and the words: wife, mom, friend or employee, come second.

Not basing my life on another person, on their choices, on MY expectations of them is also a part of how I detach but the main issue for me regarding detachment is to not become totally enmeshed in the drama/chaos that somebody else generates.

I can choose to detach in love, detach in anger or not to detach at all, whether I am physically with a person or have no contact. Some of the most difficult moments for me to detach from my son were when we had no contact, so for me out of sight does not mean out of mind. It's about my attitude.

Kindeyes

Detachment. That is a tough one. I think that each of us find our way to detach over time. For me, it came slowly. My urges to "help" my A son are as strong as his urges to drink......I have no doubt of that. I simply try my hardest to keep MY urges under control and the only way I can do that is by setting my boundaries and a lot of positive self talk.

I concentrate on what I am doing rather than on what HE is doing. The better I manage myself, the free-er he is to manage himself.

I have no problems now discontinueing conversations that are not productive or turn ugly. Anything that feels "icky" to ME is simply not acceptable. He is slowly learning that I have my boundaries and rarely tries to cross them anymore. And if he does, it is HIS choice. But it doesn't mean that I have to put up with it.

Good luck finding your way to your own detachment....whatever that may be for you. Detachment is a very important step......it goes along with acknowledging that your life is out of control and acceptance of the things you cannot change.

gentle hugs

minnelson6200

I practice detachment by remembering Barbara's signature

"I trust you are capable of handling your own life and I now stop interfering by trying to rescue you."

LucyA

I admit to remembering that when things get tough, it sums up detachment for my situation.

fluffyflea

I had to get away from focussing on "Potential" he'll be like this or he'll be able to do this if he stops drinking and instead focus on reality and that I had to take care of myself and if he joined then great if not I would survive and carry on.

Ngaire

PrettyViolets

I had to stop living like I was in a Walt Disney world. It was like I was living on dreams and potential of my husband rather than reality.

It was easier to detach when my husband and I separated, and we lived in separate places.

I set the boundary that I will only talk to him and see him when he is sober. I focus more on being supportive for his sobriety. My husband is living with my in-laws a couple of hours away from Seattle, and he is in a recovery program and attends AA. He actually posts here on Soberrecovery--mostly the Newcomers to Recovery and Alcholism forum. We talk on the phone every night, and I see him on the weekends.

If he relapses, then I will say, "You need to focus on your recovery, and I need to focus on my recovery."--and then CLICK-end of phone call.

For me as far as detaching, it helps to be around people and talk to other people who are going through what I am going through--Al Anon is helpful. I have always felt good and healthy on this forum. I think that there are wonderful people on this forum who really deserve to have the best things come to them in life.

And it has been healthy for me to work on having good relationships with his parents and his brother (they have been the best support to me--it is like I am not alone in this--I have their help as well). It is easier to detach and not be so angry pointing fingers to other people--all of us just point the finger to him, and we know that he is responsible for his own recovery.

:codiepolice

fluffyflea

The thing that used to really trip me up was the potential thing. I learnt that people are who they are and they really show us who they are if we will just look.


Ngaire