jerect

So A year a go today, I married my husband. What a year it has been. I had no idea when I married him that I was going to be going through this journey.

Up untill recently I looked at this as some kind of curse. I mean my AH and I have gone through more in the first year of our marriage then what some people go through in all 50 years of marriage, I'm sure most of you that are reading this can relate. Now I'm trying to look at this as an oportunity of growth instead of a curse.

I have come to terms with the fact that my husbands addiction will always be here. Whether he is sober or actively using he will always be an addict and there is nothing I can do to change that fact. For so many months now I have looked at other couples in envy wishing that my marriage could be as happy and strong as theirs but I have come to realize that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I'm sure those other couples marriages do not go without problems or issues, ones that I may not want to experiance.

In a way I see my husbands addiction as a blessing. It has forced me to take a good hard look at myself and helped me recognized that I have some serious issues to work on to and that Yes, I have been part of the problem. However, I can also be part of the solution too.

So I sit here today contemplating my first year of marriage and have high hopes that this next one will be better. Maybe I'm being too optimistic here but just for today I can make things better and I can do the same tomorrow, next week, next month and for the months to come.

best

Depends.
What do you think you can fix?

jerect

I know that the only person I can fix is me, the other half of our relationship is up to him.

daisylady

(((jerect)))

I totally understand where you are coming from. My AH and I have almost been married two years and he went to rehab the first time just after we were married for about six months. He just completed his second rehab stint (impatient). He has also been to IOP once.

I am still finding it hard to focus on ME, it is a continuing battle. I am now at the point where I am not sure if I want to stay in this marriage. All I can tell you is that if he doesn't stay sober, the marriage will not get better because HE will not get better. It has taken me a long time to realize that. It has also taken me a long time to realize that if my AH does not love himself (and clearly addicts do not love themselves because of the things they do to themselves) he cannot truly love me.

My AH is a great husband when it comes to keeping a job, cleaning the house, showing me affection etc.. but he is still trying to use at the same time. He is only using pot right now, but I know it will eventually lead back to other things if he doesn't stop. I am learning that while pot seems minimal to some people it is not minimal to me. The drug use still hurts our marriage. The lies, and manipulation of an addict are still present in our relationship and so there is NO TRUST. It is hard to have a good marriage without trust. I agree that the grass is not always greener on the other side but I can tell you a life alone without a drug user is better than a life with someone using (I have left before just not for good we ended up getting back together). I am not telling you to leave, only you can make that decision. I have not left for good yet either but I know that everyday he lies to me and everyday he uses it makes me inch that much closer to the door.

Good luck to you... I am praying that he will give himself and you 100%.

Chino

People usually exchange gifts at anniversaries but you've already given the best gift of all... love to him and most importantly, love to yourself

MsPINKAcres

Happy Anniversary Jerect

I pray that the happy memories of the past year fill your day and that your HP continues to bless you with the strength and courage you need to continue on your path of recovery to take good care of yourself and to live your life Happy, Joyous and Free!!

Rita

ajangels2

jerect

Your first year of marriage sounds like my first year of marriage. Unfortunately we had 4 previous years of the same roller coaster ride. After the vows were exchanged it seems the addiction took off again and within six months he ended up in detox and living in a half way house. After that we had 10 months of sobriety until he recently relapsed again. This program has taught me to love myself again and that I deserve to live a life that has peace in it and if that means drug and alcohol free then that is what I choose for my home. You sound like you have done some good work already on yourself and that will give you the tools and strength for the times to come. I wish you both the best in health and in life.

ajangels

imallright

Wow. My first year of marriage was a nightmare, and you know what, things really didn't get that much better. I have finally, after 24 years of marriage, decided ENOUGH. I didn't realize that I was not taking care of me, frankly, I didn't even know there was such a person as ME.

There were times of non-use but I was never sure. I never could trust and the behaviors that were "normal" to him never led me to a place of peace or happiness. My AH never felt the need to get help. Still doesn't. He just stops doing/using whatever the drug of choice is for a bit and thinks that "now everything is ok"...not for me.

Please, please take care of you. For you, not for him. Don't settle and think, "I can get through this ". Life is not about getting through it. Life is about love and finding peace and joy. I am not saying that you are just like me or telling you what is best for you... but I am saying... YOU decide if you are truly happy and at peace and you do what is right for YOU... the rest will follow and work out. May not seem like it at any given moment, but trust yourself and your HP... he/she's got your back!

Enjoy the day!

hello-kitty

I don't think we should compare our personal relationships to other peoples personal relationships. It should be about me and the kind of behavior and treatment I am willing to accept in my life. Instead of worrying about other peoples grass, just look at the grass on your side of the fence, and ask yourself, is this green enough for me? Or do I deserve better... and if so, then what am I going to do about it.

imallright

Agree w/Kitty... however when I see others who are obviously happy and spend time with those who I know who are truly dedicated to each other, it points out the short comings in my own relationship and what I want out of life. Think we might all be saying the same thing.

hello-kitty

oh sure. I'm a little idealistic. I think that my last relationship with my sons addict father permanently molded my lawn. I don't think the grass will ever grow back on my side of the fence.