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Headed straight towards a brick wall at 200mph

Old 04-30-2008, 05:07 PM
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Headed straight towards a brick wall at 200mph

Hi everyone,

I haven't entered into any type prgram yet. I want too, but don't have any insurance now. Lost my job over someone finding something in company vehicle. No insurance now, dead broke. Need 700 bucks to get in this place and don't even have that much. When all of this happened I broke down while on something and told my mother. She immedialtely told my ex wife whom I have a daughter by. I have always been a really good dad when she is with me and I give her my full attention the whole weekend and do not use anything. I love her so so much and it's eating me alive the way I am. My ex is seeing someave been one else and I left some not so great messages on her voicemail when I dropped my daughter off with her. I followed her to her new bf's house and snapped....well sort of. I left 23 messages cursing and omg I don't know what I was thinking. Between telling my mother what I was doing and her having the messages my ex is now saying if I attempt to come pick up my daughter without first going to treatment that I will be arrested....she has saved the messages. She will take them to the police. They also know what I have been using and my mother who is RN that has been sober for alot of years is backing her.

I'm aware that I'm depressed and I feel that I'm spiraling further everyday. What I was using was the only thing that could make the pain stop. I miss ex wife and daughter every single day. It's hurts so much it's overwhelming. Things is, I know need help but don't know where to turn. She says I have to get treatment. How do I that? I went to a sliding scale thing and even been unemployed now it was still 700 up front. I don't have it or know anyone on this earth that will give it to me for treatment. Am I just out of luck? Should I just go pick up my daughter and let them arrest me? I would never put my child in harm's way but they have taped os me sounding like a maniac. Can anyone help me here with any advice? I'm so friggin lost.
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Old 04-30-2008, 05:18 PM
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Welcome to SR! It sounds like you may be in the right place.

Here is a link to a list of some recovery programs, many of which are free. AA happens to be the one that has worked for me.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html

If you are looking for treatment centers you might try the Salvation Army they have a treatment program that is low to no cost.

Good luck. I know my sobriety has been a gift to me and my children. Please keep us posted.
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Old 04-30-2008, 05:35 PM
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Welcome!

And, yes do try the Salvation Army in your area. They do offer free programs.

And, there is lots of hope for your recovery.
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Old 04-30-2008, 05:39 PM
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Kyle....

As an ex social worker....I would not advise just going and picking up your daughter

right now. You need to get help for yourself, you know this.

Nandm gave you some excellent advice... the Salvation Army's treatment program is

excellent.

And you have come to the right place....here at SR we are all friends and have all

"been there"...right where you are now.

Welcome.

IO
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Old 04-30-2008, 05:45 PM
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I have no legal expertise but the one thing I would NOT do would be pick up your daughter and be arrested. That doesn't seem like a good idea at all. You don't mention what it was/is that you were/are using to "make the pain go away". What kind of pain? Mental? Physical? Overwhelming despair? The suggestions just given for different treatment programs and asking Salvation Army would be a good start.

Perhaps your mom is backing your ex since she's "been sober for a lot of years" and understands the dangers of whatever it is you are using. I'm only guessing cause I don't know. The first thing to do would be to investigate ANY kind of 'treatment' for your physical and/or mental problems. Just look in the phone book, ask your doctor, ANYTHING to get yourself the help you realize you need.

As far as getting back the trust in your abilities as a father, that will take some time, as it was pretty 'wild' to leave so many messages that were probably threatening to her. I don't know how old you are, or how old your daughter is, or how long you were married and how long divorced. There are a lot of factors at play here and you're going to have a lot of work to do, on yourself, before you are considered a 'safe bet' where your child is concerned. I would start by looking seriously into the suggestions made by nandm. Start with that. Network with anyone and everyone for treatment, counseling, whatever it takes to get you back as a healthy person.

I wish you the best, but I hope you realize you've got a lot of work to do. Do it for yourself, as a human being, a father, a son. You seem to be very sincere. I hope you can find it in yourself to reinvent yourself as a clean and sober person. You're worth it and so is your daughter.

:ghug3
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Old 04-30-2008, 06:27 PM
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Lightbulb

I know exactly how you feel I also don't have insurance
I lost custody of my only child But by the Grace of God
that was enough Pain for me to make a Decision to either
a) Die in my Misery
b) or Swim to shore for Help

I decided that the option was B
I still Don't Have Health Insurance,But where there is a Will
there is a Way,and I fought Back the Right Way, I did what I had to
do for Me I Got Up and Look for a low cost care Clinic
and God did the rest,is a Team work
If you Love your Little Girl which I'm not saying you Don't
you will Get the Help you Need for you,I'm pretty sure you Love
her and that you are repented in how everything turn out

But first thing is first you can give no one anything until you don't give it to your self,Give your self the Gift of Sobriety
you deserve it and so those everyone that Loves you I'll be:praying
for you and your Love ones.
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Old 04-30-2008, 06:56 PM
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Hit the brakes!
Sweety you can do this and hate to say it (an I know you don't want to hear it )but Mom and Ex are very wise. get help first. When you're using you're not yourself and your daughter deserves a WELL and COMPLETE, HEALTHY YOU. Most communities have free or low cost clinics. See a doctor and tell him/her you need help. See what suggestions they have. Salvation Army and by all means AA/NA...whatever you need. there are some VERY wise people in those rooms. and keep writing. you CAN do this and if you do, I can guarantee you much more peace and happiness than you ever had high. it's NOT easy but your deserve it. You daughter deserves to know her Daddy, too. Best wishes and sending you much love.
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Old 05-01-2008, 12:35 PM
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Hey Kyle,

You sound like you are pretty deep into some very serious problems in your life. And you sound like you are ready to admit that, but that you are not ready to admit you are the one who got you into this mess. You ask if you are just out of luck. It's not luck, Kyle.

You even kind of blame your ex and your mom for your custody issues saying they have you taped sounding like a maniac. But who do you think made those calls, acting like a maniac? You're ex and your mom are protecting your child and you should let them do so.

I pretended that I never put my children in harm's way when I was drinking. But that was a lie I told myself and that's all. A big lie. It sounds like you are telling yourself a lot of lies right now to cover up the fact that the only thing that matters is that:

you are an addict and you need to get help.

That's the only thing. All the rest of the story needs to get to the back of the line. And here's the thing - you can get better. If you make the decision to do so and you follow the directions of the people who are helping you, you will get better. But you have to follow those directions with your whole heart and soul. Stop believing what your addiction is telling you (ie: your substance of choice is the only thing that can make the pain go away, you are just misunderstood, you lost your job because of someone else's actions, etc).

You can do it. Keep us posted. Now you've got a bunch of people here caring about whether you get help or not. So go do it and let us know.

- MLE
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Old 05-01-2008, 12:45 PM
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"Should I just go pick up my daughter and let them arrest me?"

YIKES..no way! Going to jail will just add to your problems. Try to get yourself straight and then deal with the ex situation. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain, and I feel for you. Please keep us posted on this situation. :praying
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Old 05-01-2008, 01:09 PM
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Thanks guys very much. I'm looking into some clinics right now. I'm overwhelmed by the responses. Seems like I'm at the right place. Thank you al again. It's nice to know that there is people that care out there.
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Old 05-01-2008, 06:34 PM
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Keep coming back Kyle, keep looking into treatment of any and every type. Keep us posted on how you're doing - we care. As all have said, you CAN get better, you CAN win back the trust you so much want to have. It takes work but you can do it and you're worth the effort.:ghug2
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Old 05-07-2008, 04:25 PM
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Hey guys,

I figure I might as well come clean. I've been using meth on and off since 2000. Skipping 3 years where I did it only once. Recreationally most of the time. Sometimes to get more work or a certain project complete. I just started again about 5 months ago. AFTER a battle with vicoden and loritab (had bi-lateral carpal tunnel surgery) and online poker that took up a tremendous amount of time I'll never get back with her (yea, I know but I'm a long term winning poker player, WHAT THE HELL IS HER PROBLEM?...I though gambling was only a problem if I lost...not so....)

I have spoken with a lawyer and I'm screwed on this deal. No other choice. I have backed out of going to rehab once since I left this first post. I have also used once since. I felt like taking out lots of innocent trees with my car. Not only could I not forget the pain this time, I couldn't go to sleep. So, I had to dwell on it the whole 2 days. Dehydrated, miserable, stomach killing me, out of a job, behind on bills, lost a very nice vehicle that I paid quite alot on etc, beautiful and caring wife, lived in a nice house with a very nice truck, relationship with my mother, best friend that always had my back before I turned into this, and now my daughter...I could go on and on. These last few months have been a nightmare. I do mean that. A complete nightmare. I have dreams some nights that me and my ex wife and my daughter are together and we are holding each other on the sofa while our daughter is playing is playing with her toys in the floor and she looks up and smiles the biggest smile. She looks so happy that we are together again. I wake up and realize that it's a dream. I did this many times on meth. The same dream. I would wake up crying many nights.

Since talking to my lawyer yesterday, I realized first that I may only have supervised visitation for months maybe even years. That might have been the deathblow for me. I already feel extremely guilty for everything and can't stop looking back at what I did. Never thought I would be here but I am. My mother finally talked to me yesterday also and said that everytime she picked up the phone she was worried that someone was going to her that I was dead. That was horrifying.ually shocked that she would be thinking that. I I didn't even realize that I was hurting anyone. I never did and that's scary. Scary enough for me to look at myself. Everything I have touched for awhile has turned to ****. Never dawned on me that I took my problems that were relatively small at one time, and with the help of drugs, turned them into mountains that I have to climb. From scratch, starting all over again. Like a puff of smoke it was gone. I lost a beautiful sweet woman and the most precious beautiful little girl in the world and it's hard right now every freakin minute not to do something to forget it. Reality is kicking my ass now that I'm coming down. I just know that my daughter still loves me and I know it hurts her so bad to see her daddy walking away, wondering where I'm going and why I'm leaving her. She doesn't understand. I've been so numb that I couldn't even see. I had many chances to gain back my ex's trust and shot it full of holes instead. I want to find where in the hell the old me went. I like that guy so much better than this one. I'm going to rehab tommorrow. I'm hoping my father will help me. If not, there are other alternatives to get in. I have to and I'm ready now. Thanks to this board here for the first jolt of reality that got me thinking about it. I came very close to the edge of maybe not coming back and I'm depressed right now but also proud that I'm accepting it and being honest with myself. Ok, I guess I'll check in again 28 days. Everyone take care and thx for the help.

Last edited by Kyle77; 05-07-2008 at 04:49 PM.
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Old 05-07-2008, 04:32 PM
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Prayers and thoughts to you...
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Old 05-08-2008, 07:36 AM
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"These last few months have been a nightmare. I do mean that."

I absolutely believe you on this one. The loss of your family must be very difficult to cope with. You're probably on your way to rehab right now. I just wanted to say that I'm glad you posted again and I'm glad you are going to be getting some relief. I hope you can make the most of this opportunity. Please let us know how you're doing again in 28 days or so. People DO rebuild their lives and you've been given a chance to do that too. Best of luck to you.
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Old 05-08-2008, 07:52 AM
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Kyle,
Best of luck and while I'm no psychic, perhaps things will work out better than you imagine right now. I find things often will if you have faith and do the right things and be the best you can be.

It sounded to me like your ex and your mom really just want you to be who they KNOW you really are deep down and I believe things will vastly improve after you get help and are not using any longer. It will take time and strength but it will be SO worth it! Your daughter is lucky to have a father who loves her SO much!

Please check back with us, this board is great and we'll all be here for you when you get out!

Karen
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Old 05-27-2008, 06:13 PM
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How do I get into a friggin rehab?

I still have not been able to get into rehab. Have been told twice that a bed would be open and still no beds. I've called and called and checked all over the place. No salvation army rehab in Mississippi either. I've went to the E.R. and was sent home. Should I fake being suicidal? Will this help me get into a rehab? I still haven't been able to see my daughter and am in a position where I have been demanded to go to rehab before I see her yet how do they expect me to without insurance and no inside connections or whatever? Someone please help, I'm at the end of my rope.
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Old 05-27-2008, 08:09 PM
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I can't tell you what to do but I can guarantee that faking suicide will not help. Is there no one at all? There's got to be a national hotline you can call for a referral to somewhere. Please call a national hotline. You may find one in one of the 'stickies' at the top of the page in this forum, or the substance abuse forums. Please make that call now. You have to try. For yourself, your daughter. :ghug3
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Old 05-27-2008, 08:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Kyle77 View Post
I still have not been able to get into rehab. Have been told twice that a bed would be open and still no beds. I've called and called and checked all over the place. No salvation army rehab in Mississippi either. I've went to the E.R. and was sent home. Should I fake being suicidal? Will this help me get into a rehab? I still haven't been able to see my daughter and am in a position where I have been demanded to go to rehab before I see her yet how do they expect me to without insurance and no inside connections or whatever? Someone please help, I'm at the end of my rope.
Hey Kyle. Slow down and take a deep breath. Think this thing through Doode. If you are in Mississippi then do a Google search for "rehab services in mississippi". I just did and there appeared to be some options available. When you said that called and checked all over the place just what does that mean?

Under no circumstances should you fake anything. That would only add fuel to your current fire. Who has demanded that you go to rehab before you can see your daughter? I am no lawyer, but unless a legal decree has been modified and accepted by the courts, then you have a leg to stand on. I am not saying that you just go busting up into where ever and Ramboing your girl outta there. I am saying stop freaking out and resolve this rationally. Your lawyer has forewarned you that a judge will make any necessary changes to the decree that will favor the child.

The whole issue of seeing your girl has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with is best for HER. She is the innocent one right now and needs the protection of sober, rational adults to protect her. Not a Dad that is going to fake suicidal tendacies. So you need to get YOU out from in front of this situation and put that precious little gal at the forefront and center.

Let's seperate the issues into 1) you getting sober and 2) you spending time with your girl. Stop making a messy jamm sandwich out of the two. Getting sober requires what? Going to rehab and beginning a road to recovery. Spending time with your girl requires what? Going to rehab and beginning a road to recovery.

How am I going to get into rehab? Keep calling around, wait on a bed, whatever. Don't pull your skirt up and holler downtown just yet. All of that is for you my friend. How am I going to see my girl? Well, I may have to get someone to supervise a visit or two while I wait on a bed. Or I stay away until I am well enough to see her. What is best is for her. I think you might be getting this approach. If not, drop another line.

Main thing Kyle, stay calm.
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Old 05-27-2008, 09:18 PM
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Are you attending any NA meetings?

They are full of people who would know about
local re habs and de tox centers and Yes!
how to get clean and stay clean.

Don't give up...you too can recover.
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