BrixtonBear

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to be completely honest and say I'm still struggling, but I'm not going to quit and I'll keep trying...

I've started to feel genuinely scared by the possible future consequences of my alcoholism if I don't recover. Last year someone said to me that, for an alcoholic, alcohol is like a powerfully corrosive substance that will remove everything - it can remove the clothes on your back, your shoes, your friends and family, your furniture, the carpets, your home, your health and eventually your life. My family history has a number of alcoholics who ended up without even the money to buy themselves a shirt - I don't want that to happen to me...

In a number of threads I've read, I notice the point is often made that people fail because of not working a program of recovery properly. I realise now this has been the case with me. For instance, it's only today that I'm really starting to make "a fearless inventory" of myself - I admit that one flaw in my make-up which is causing me to fail is that I'm basically a weak-willed and lazy person, like someone in a river who's heading towards the rocks because they are too lazy to put the effort in to swim to shore. I want to get my flaws out in the open so that I can try to then move on properly to step 5...

Thanks for your patience everyone, I'm going to keep trying...

PB

least

I guess I don't really have a 'recovery program', short of going to some AA meetings and asking God for the strength to not drink. I do have a well worn list of all the things I hate about drinking and have read it so much in just the last month that it's all dirty and creased and falling apart. I've listed the negative things about drinking and why I don't want to go back there. So far that's been a really powerful incentive to stay sober. I find also that the longer I am sober, the more I like it.

The fact that you're trying again is encouraging. I tried and failed too many times in the last few months but I now look at the failed attempts as practice. Well I finally got enough 'practice' and am now over a month sober. I didn't think I'd ever get this far, but here I am! I pray you find something that works for you to get and stay sober.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

:ghug3:praying

BrixtonBear

Thanks least, I think I'm going to make a list of things I hate about drinking too and keep it with me - this is a great tip. Thanks for your encouragement and prayers!

PB

warrens

PB

Lots I could comment upon in your post. Instead, I just want to offer my support and caring. I'd be careful about characterizing myself too strongly. Things can and do change. All it takes is a miracle and there are plenty of examples of that here.

Friend warren

fallingdown

"I find also that the longer I am sober, the more I like it."

I agree with Least here PB. I call sobriety my "happy place" where *I* create the world around me, not alcohol. I hope you find your happy place too. :praying

best

People fail because they pick up that first drink or drug.
By working a good recovery program, we gather up the tools and experiences that others have used to help them not pick up that first one.
As you do your step 4, you may find out many things about yourself. As you do the other steps after doing the 4th, you start to gain the understanding of what to do in life when things don't line up in a manner you think they should.
Less stress equals more energy to get past that lazy feeling as well.
Dealing with life on life's terms...if a desire to pick up that first one comes along, we are in a better mindset to deal with that feeling and learn how to say no and stay sober for that day. One day at a time we can do it.

Rella927

Paddington lots of prayers, support and comfort coming your way!

That is all we can do keep trying! I have faith you will get where you want to be because you have the desire to keep doing so! One day at a time and baby steps!

Tazman53

Being completely honest is imo the key to sobriety, it sure looks like you have that. If you never quit and you work it to the best of your ability you can't lose!

Yes and no, those that do fail are those who are not working their program of choice completely and continually, there are those that only work parts of a program and do succeed at staying sober.

All programs, AA, SMART, WFS, etc. work if a person works the entire program, where people may fail is where they pick and choose what they are illing to do.

From what you posted you are working the 12 steps of AA, that is the program I am in. Step 4, the personal inventory was the absolute toughest step of all for me and almost every person I know, when I would get stuck on writing my inventory I would take a look at the promises of the 5th step which is where the incentory leads and ask myself "Do I want that?", well I did so I was able to press forward.

The reason I think step 4 is so hard is because for the first time in our lifes we are looking deep into us, the good, the bad, & the ugly!!!! I was truly amazed to learn that even when I was drinking I had some good points. And even more surprised once I had it all written down that I was no where near as terrible as I thought I was, I was far from being a saint, but for the most part my past was not the horror I had let it become.

Here are the promises after step 5.

One more thing I would like to share with you, the 4th and 5th step were the most freeing thing I have ever done in my life, all of that shame from my past and the fears were gone, I was beginning to learn who I was and what I needed to change about me, I was starting to get better.

Anna

Hi Paddington,

It's good that you are here and expressing your fears.

Recovery does take work, though I have to admit, I no longer think of it as 'work'. It's just part of my day, part of me. Facing the reality of who you are can be scary, but remember there are many good parts of you too. Build on those and move ahead.

BUTTERFLY-7

my will go out for you I could Identified when you spoke
about your determination I also am struggling I'm not
making meetings not because I don't want to it's
Because I ain't got my medications until I don't

Get my Mental Health issue under control(I'm bipolar)
and treated I can't go any where,Yeah: it sucks but
thats the results we get when we indulge on that first drink
Oh; it's just a social event crap and when you come
to see you all wrap up sucking the bottle like if is your
baby's Bottle Man,

I live you with this

CarolD

(+) (+) (+)
Mega Hugs and Prayers coming your way

NoelleR

Hey PB ----

I guess I should really spell your name out - PaddingtonBear - when I looked back at what I've been typing, the first thought that came to my mind when I saw 'PB' was PeanutButter (eh, probably cause I'm hungry...lol) ----- (o:

OK, enough silliness....you've gotten some really good suggetions from the folks here....best and Tazman53 to name a couple Really gooduns...but Taz also said something, that to me is all-important in recovery (early, newcomer, struggler old-timer, heck for all in recovery) and I'm betting a whole bunch of others feel the same way. For me this is the secret of recovery (of course, not picking up helps too .... lol).....

Tazman53 said:
"Being completely honest is imo the key to sobriety..."

This reminded me of the acronym so often used....especially when trying to explain HOW The AA Program works.....HOW, you ask...? Well.........

Honesty
Openmindedness
Willingness

Simple really...............eh..........? (o:


Trudge on fellows....
NoelleR

barb dwyer

(((((((( Paddingtonbear))))))))))

I think that'd be a great idea for you - to find a group near you and getting with a program

You're NOT a failure, hon, though.
Just want to make that clear.
That only thing that failed -
was trying to quit and stay quit .. alone.

Almost none of us could manage that.

To change the entire focus of one's life - takes more than wishful thinking.

IT takes a plan.
It takes a resource circle of others.
That's what the Program and Fellowship provides.

There's nothing wrong with being scared.
It's when we pretend to be something we're NOT ...
that gets the trouble ball going.

supernothing

[QUOTE=PaddingtonBear;1755215]Hi everyone,

Just wanted to be completely honest and say I'm still struggling, but I'm not going to quit and I'll keep trying...

Hi pb.
Im still struggling TOO , IM STRUGGLING LIKE MAD!
I find it really hard to get to AA due to the shifts i work and having three young kids, Im making about 1 meeting every 8 - 10 days just now, but
not one day passes when i dont find myself fantasising about the "good ol days" (ahem) or thinking about popping up the pub *just for one*:wtf2
I even had a long conversation with my husband who loves his drink as to wether it would be possible for me to ever *go back* to drinking normally!
WHAT AM I DOING?
I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS AND I HAVE THE SCARS TO PROVE IT!!!
Doesnt mean im finding it easy though, i have a full weekends camping coming up this weekend, and im so scared of slipping.
I think ill do myself a list of things i hate about drinking too, and take it away with me.
Dont give up pb and dont be too hard on yourself.
:ghug3

barb dwyer

(((super))) you keep hanging in as well - ya hear???
You're doing great!!!!!

gravity

I used this genuine fear as one of the main reasons to hit my alcoholism with everything I could - prayers, meetings, sponsor, steps, reaching out to others, family support, taking care of my health, self-help books... Alcoholism can be so devastating and warrants an all out effort.

Don't let this initial fear overwhelm you to the point where you question your abilities to address your alcoholism. Time & effort. Each day sober you build strength, confidence.

At some point earlier in my recovery, it really stopped being a fear driven process and became more about living a positive, healthy life. I still have my off days but they are now a rare exception. Keep working at it. You will get there.

BrixtonBear

Just a little note to say a huge thank you to all of you for all the help, friendship, support and really good advice - I'm trying to put it all into practice.

And just wanted to say to Super - I echo what Barb says, you're doing great! You know, I find exactly the same - I have attended some AA meetings but I'm attending far too irregularly. I'm trying to see what I can do about it. You keep hanging in there too!

Lots of hugs to all of you :ghug3

Paddington

A little postscript - Noelle, I love peanut butter too! Over there in the States you have those wonderful Reese's peanut butter and chocolate cups - they're delicious! :o)