Amends
Oh the contingencies..
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Posts: 11
Amends
This is my first post so I will give a bit of background: I am in AA and will have six months of continuous sobriety if I do not take a drink in the next week. I have been without a sponsor for a couple of weeks now, but have been praying and meditating on it and am going to meet a woman for coffee tomorrow.
I am only on the fourth step, but I have recently wronged a roommate and will need to make a proper amends to her tomorrow (the first time I will see her since the "wronging"). I meant to call some women this afternoon to seek advice on how to make a proper amends, but I'm pretty sure I was thinking about myself all day. I plan on praying and meditating on it, but also am looking for answer from this community because I'm pretty sure if waking up a woman at one in the morning to answer my non-emergency question would be completely selfish.
So the long and short of it: How do I make an amends? I have a rough idea, but I bet someone in here has a more clear one : )
I am only on the fourth step, but I have recently wronged a roommate and will need to make a proper amends to her tomorrow (the first time I will see her since the "wronging"). I meant to call some women this afternoon to seek advice on how to make a proper amends, but I'm pretty sure I was thinking about myself all day. I plan on praying and meditating on it, but also am looking for answer from this community because I'm pretty sure if waking up a woman at one in the morning to answer my non-emergency question would be completely selfish.
So the long and short of it: How do I make an amends? I have a rough idea, but I bet someone in here has a more clear one : )
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
e-z question!
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!
There's no big secret to it -
just stay on your side of the street is all -
You just tell them how/when you wronged them, and apologize.
we don't get into what they might have done or anything like that.
just what we did. and maybe how we feel that wronged them.
(you'd be amazed how many people actually don't remember what happened, or have to be told why what you're 'amending' was wrong for you and your recovery)
that clears the energy up with it.
*DO* still make the effort to speak with your sponsor and all that - and seek the advice of the other women you were feeling you wanted to talk to.
good for you! good for you! good for you!
(hope that helps ya sleep)
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!
There's no big secret to it -
just stay on your side of the street is all -
You just tell them how/when you wronged them, and apologize.
we don't get into what they might have done or anything like that.
just what we did. and maybe how we feel that wronged them.
(you'd be amazed how many people actually don't remember what happened, or have to be told why what you're 'amending' was wrong for you and your recovery)
that clears the energy up with it.
*DO* still make the effort to speak with your sponsor and all that - and seek the advice of the other women you were feeling you wanted to talk to.
good for you! good for you! good for you!
(hope that helps ya sleep)
Oh the contingencies..
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Posts: 11
Thank you Barb. It won't be too hard to stay on my side of the street considering she played no part and is one of the nicest girls I know. She just finally blatantly told me how I had been hurting her, requiring me to really face it.
So thank you again!
Oh and no sleep for me tonight. I have a seven page paper due tomorrow and staying true to my alcoholic ways and perfectionist ways, I will have to pull an all-nighter to complete it to my standards : ) My username should be youngANDsoberANDinCOLLEGE : )
So thank you again!
Oh and no sleep for me tonight. I have a seven page paper due tomorrow and staying true to my alcoholic ways and perfectionist ways, I will have to pull an all-nighter to complete it to my standards : ) My username should be youngANDsoberANDinCOLLEGE : )
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
The best amend we can make to anyone...
Don't repeat what we did wrong the first time.
We can say we are sorry 100 times but if we don't stop doing what hurts others, our words are worth nothing. After you tell her you are sorry...let your actions show her your words are truth.
Don't repeat what we did wrong the first time.
We can say we are sorry 100 times but if we don't stop doing what hurts others, our words are worth nothing. After you tell her you are sorry...let your actions show her your words are truth.
Oh the contingencies..
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by best 
The best amend we can make to anyone...
Don't repeat what we did wrong the first time.
We can say we are sorry 100 times but if we don't stop doing what hurts others, our words are worth nothing. After you tell her you are sorry...let your actions show her your words are truth.
Don't repeat what we did wrong the first time.
We can say we are sorry 100 times but if we don't stop doing what hurts others, our words are worth nothing. After you tell her you are sorry...let your actions show her your words are truth.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hi,
I was in a situation while I was doing my fourth step that an amend was warranted. I got right on the phone to my sponsor, she told me to apologize to this person, explain where I was/what I was doing and apologize with the notice that I would make a formal amend when I was at that step. This person graciously agreed to wait until then.
Do the best that you can with an apology. You can add this person to your list and tackle it formally in the future.
Good job keeping at your work. Hope that you find a new sponsor very soon!
Karen
I was in a situation while I was doing my fourth step that an amend was warranted. I got right on the phone to my sponsor, she told me to apologize to this person, explain where I was/what I was doing and apologize with the notice that I would make a formal amend when I was at that step. This person graciously agreed to wait until then.
Do the best that you can with an apology. You can add this person to your list and tackle it formally in the future.
Good job keeping at your work. Hope that you find a new sponsor very soon!
Karen
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
I will take yours and Barb's words with me tomorrow.
My first sponsor told me first thing (Among many other first things!! LOL) to read over steps 10-12 and do my best to live them until we formally worked them, he explained that it would make my 4th step inventory shorter..... he was right.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Southern New Hampshire
Posts: 746
Find that Sponsor
Hooking up with a recovered sponsor ASAP would be beneficial to your recovery. You can start working with the disciplines of steps 10 and 11 while still doing a 4th. These latter steps help us take care of daily messes.
A mistake I made when I first started doing ammends was to presume I had a clue as to how my actions or behavior affected another individual, A few people got real clear with me as to what I actually did to harm them, it was never on my radar.
Today when I have to make an ammend I follow this format,
I say the following:
1. I believe I have harmed you. Then I wait for the response before I go into anything specific.
2. I ask how has this affected you, is there anything you need to say. then I shut and listen.
3. I ask what can I do to make this right, then I right this down and follow through on it.
Hope this helps, I know where you are at, I was in graduate school the 1st 2 years of recovery, it was a wild ride, and one of the most transformative times of my life.
A mistake I made when I first started doing ammends was to presume I had a clue as to how my actions or behavior affected another individual, A few people got real clear with me as to what I actually did to harm them, it was never on my radar.
Today when I have to make an ammend I follow this format,
I say the following:
1. I believe I have harmed you. Then I wait for the response before I go into anything specific.
2. I ask how has this affected you, is there anything you need to say. then I shut and listen.
3. I ask what can I do to make this right, then I right this down and follow through on it.
Hope this helps, I know where you are at, I was in graduate school the 1st 2 years of recovery, it was a wild ride, and one of the most transformative times of my life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I believe a sincere apology is a big part of most if not all amends, but in many cases, it is not enough. For example:
If you talked bad about someone behind their back.......set the record straight with the person that heard the bad stuff
If you stole money to drink or use.....repay it
If your underachievement as a drunk/high employee caused harm to an employer or ex-employer.....ask what you can do to make it right
In some cases, especially my last example, there may not be ANYTHING you can do. The big book says to make amends "wherever possible". If it is not possible, move on, keep on track with the rest of your amends and your program.
If you talked bad about someone behind their back.......set the record straight with the person that heard the bad stuff
If you stole money to drink or use.....repay it
If your underachievement as a drunk/high employee caused harm to an employer or ex-employer.....ask what you can do to make it right
In some cases, especially my last example, there may not be ANYTHING you can do. The big book says to make amends "wherever possible". If it is not possible, move on, keep on track with the rest of your amends and your program.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Rob hit it on the head.
apologizing and making ammends are two different things.
We have to be willing to repair the harm, not just recognize it.
"How can I right this wrong?" - that's where you get free of it (well, when you actually take the action required to 'right the wrong').
Money is the easiest example because it seems to be universal. If I owe someone, and I have caused harm by not paying them back - apologizing for not paying them back does very little if I don't hand them what is owed (i.e. - "here is the money I owe you, is there anything else I can do to right this wrong?")
apologizing and making ammends are two different things.
We have to be willing to repair the harm, not just recognize it.
"How can I right this wrong?" - that's where you get free of it (well, when you actually take the action required to 'right the wrong').
Money is the easiest example because it seems to be universal. If I owe someone, and I have caused harm by not paying them back - apologizing for not paying them back does very little if I don't hand them what is owed (i.e. - "here is the money I owe you, is there anything else I can do to right this wrong?")
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Right on sugErspun ----
I just wanted to pop in here and second what's been said, so folks can drink it all in (no pun intended).....
Yes, appologies are nice, but they're not amends.....An appology may be part of an amend, but an amend is different, and soooooo much more.....
An amend is more of an 'action' that we take, to perhaps make things right. As the definitions of amend state.....an amend is.....:
1) to put right;
2) to change or modify for the better;
3) to improve;
4) to correct;
5) to reform oneself;
6) to remove errors, defects, deficiencies.....
I always like to think of 'mending' fences when I'm going about my amends....mending the fences of past, current, and possibly future relationships..... (o:
NoelleR
P.S. Just another thought on working 'at' steps 10-12 while working 'on' the other steps in order.....a very good idea....and folks are right....doing this absolutely did make my 4th step waaaaaay shorter and easier.....as my sponsor said: 'when you're new, and working in depth 'on' the 1st step, you can always work 'at' all the steps that begin with '1' (10, 11, and 12)
I just wanted to pop in here and second what's been said, so folks can drink it all in (no pun intended).....
Yes, appologies are nice, but they're not amends.....An appology may be part of an amend, but an amend is different, and soooooo much more.....
An amend is more of an 'action' that we take, to perhaps make things right. As the definitions of amend state.....an amend is.....:
1) to put right;
2) to change or modify for the better;
3) to improve;
4) to correct;
5) to reform oneself;
6) to remove errors, defects, deficiencies.....
I always like to think of 'mending' fences when I'm going about my amends....mending the fences of past, current, and possibly future relationships..... (o:
NoelleR
P.S. Just another thought on working 'at' steps 10-12 while working 'on' the other steps in order.....a very good idea....and folks are right....doing this absolutely did make my 4th step waaaaaay shorter and easier.....as my sponsor said: 'when you're new, and working in depth 'on' the 1st step, you can always work 'at' all the steps that begin with '1' (10, 11, and 12)
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