Shivaya

So I was out last night at a conference (looking into a home business that will bring me financial freedom from my ah) and my ah was home with the kids.

Come to find out today that ah had his "drinking buddies" over while I was gone....there was even a msg. on our answering machine..."hey, pick up the phone...I know your wife is gone tonight"....

So...I guess the party was at my house last night. I'm not stupid. There is no way on this beautiful green earth that he didn't drink. I've asked him not to drink in front of the kids or myself. He can go over to his buddies' houses, he can go out, I don't care....just don't do it in our house in front of our children.

Now....I know for sure that when I ask him tonight....he'll look me straight in the eyes and say he did not drink...the only "proof" I have is that I spoke w/ him on the phone and of course I could tell he was drunk....

So I suppose when we talk tonight I will inform him that next time (and there will be many times that I'm out as I start my new business) I'll pay for a responsible babysitter to watch after our children since he doesn't take the responsibility himself.

What a huge, huge, huge disappointment. It's never really been an issue in our home since I have been a very loyal SAHM, has been all about taking care of my family. He was always free to drink anytime b/c I was always there if a responsible parent was needed. Now I'm not always there. It's about taking care of myself and my children.

He's not doing his part. He is a jerk. I'm angry. This sucks.....

Will someone here please set me straight.....unless you think I'm already straight...aarrrgghhhh!:


Shivaya

LostGuy

Sounds to me like you have it straight as can be.

Barbara52

You're doing ok.

The only possible problem I see (and its only a problem if you see it as one) is that you have told him if he drank at home you would end it (at least I seem to remember you saying something along those lines). Now you get to decide if you meant that or not. If you did but the time isn't right to end it, that's ok. Just be aware of the choice to continue and work toward what it is you do want.

You are taking steps to become independent. That's great! You have a plan to have a babysitter when you go out. That's good planning. You are moving forward. Don't forget that.

Bernadette

Hey Shivaya--
"Now....I know for sure that when I ask him tonight....he'll look me straight in the eyes and say he did not drink...the only "proof" I have is that I spoke w/ him on the phone and of course I could tell he was drunk...."

Why even ask? You already KNOW.
I'd skip right to this:

"I will inform him that next time (and there will be many times that I'm out as I start my new business) I'll pay for a responsible babysitter to watch after our children since he doesn't take the responsibility himself."

And then I say double DITTO on what Barbara52 said above. Those are some wise words!

Shivaya I send you big (((hugs))) - you're very strong to be facing all this stuff realistically! But I know it is hard and aggravating and painful....

Peace,
B.

Pajarito

Hi Shivaya- I agree with B52 and B- skip the crap- you know he was drinking, and be proud of yourself for working on becoming independent and getting a babysitter for your kids. You KNOW you can take care of yourself.

What struck me is the title of your post. "Not asking for much" That was my problem throughout our marriage. I did too much. I asked but did not get much at all- scraps. You can bet I'm changing that! Now I know it's ok to expect more- and I'm going to get it!!! Looks like you are too! You go girl!

Shivaya

Thanks so much for your replies. I wish I would have been able to read them before I started a conversation with ah.

I did ask the "dumb question"....I wish I had not. I already knew the answer (B. you are right)...and of course he "refused" to answer the question. No surprise here.

One of my boundaries is that I do not want him drinking in our home or in front of the kids. My consequence for this boundary being ignored was to remove myself/children from situation.

Unfortunately, when I made this boundary I did not have a plan for "what if" I was not even home to remove myself/children....but now I do.

I told him it is completely unacceptable for me to have my children home with him while he drinks with his buddies. I've told him this before. So...next time I will arrange for a babysitter.

The thing is...my new business will take me out of the house 2-3 nights a week, so the babysitting fee could get expensive....maybe he'll get tired of paying a babysitter and decide to be responsible.....

He says he understands my boundaries.....I tried to point out the fact that it's one thing to "understand" and quite another to "actually follow".

Reminder to self: You are talking to an addict, who see's things differently than you do.......words mean nothing...actions mean everything....his actions indicate clearly that his priority is to drink....and what is important to me...means nothing to him....alcohol wins...again....and always.......

I can't wait until my business is so successful that I am able to finally leave this man who gave me two great children but is so deep in to his addiction and denial that I don't see any light at the end...at least not for him and I.

Thanks again for your replies,


Shivaya

LaTeeDa

Don't kid yourself. You think someone who does not feel responsibility to remain sober while caring for his children is going to decide to be responsible because of the monetary cost?

Keep reminding yourself. Also, you seem to be putting yourself in a competition. (Alcohol wins.......you lose) That's a competition you cannot "win." Try not to think of it as losing. He is the one who is losing, by his own choices. You are making choices based on reality and what is. That is the only rational way to cope with this adventure we call life. Just keep doing that and things will continue to improve for you. Even if it doesn't look that way right now.

L

Lilyflower

((((((Shivaya)))))) strength to you right now hunny. I remember when I really begun to realise that despite my boundaries and my new found way of dealing with the addiction; I was faced with the realisation that I was slowly comprimising myself over and over again. There was only so much I could do, and I constantly felt that I was taking on so much, juggling so many balls, and he was.... drinking.

Keep taking steps to secure yourself and the children, and as LTD says, don't think of it as losing. You are taking the necessary steps to protect you and yours from the insanity this addiction causes. For some A's losing their families and friends is the way to hitting bottom.

Love to you and the kiddies
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx