need help stepping through the fear and doubt
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need help stepping through the fear and doubt
came home yesterday. ah said "did you forget the realtor was coming over?" i said "no". he said "you didn't want to be here?" i said "no". he said "well, you have a bunch of papers to sign" i said "is that what you want?" he said "yes" i said "ok" he said "you act like this is all me"
i hurried and got ready to go with my friend and her daughter to dinner and spend the evening at her house. ah asked if i was going to sign the papers and i told him not right this minute and walked out the door. i tried to show no emotion or reaction (i'm sure he expected one)
i know that it is probably a real blessing that he is taking care of this part of things as it is too hard for me. also, i don't want to hear for the next nine years how he got "screwed" (excuse my langauge, but his words) by my realtor, a family friend, because somehow all my family and friends are out to get him even though they have been nothing but good to him. i got us a really good deal on our house and did all the work in buying it, but somehow he got screwed and i haven't heard the end of it.
i am trying to tell myself it is all just material stuff and none of that matters to me anymore. life is soo much more than that. i am going to take a huge loss i know using a stranger realtor and he STILL hasn't fixed the kitchen he tore apart and is trying to sell it without HUGE LOSS THERE!!! i was putting in the dissolution papers that he would repair the kitchen???
i still miss the love and good times. there is still a lot of love between us. it never has been a matter of not having love. there was a time when he really did try to stop drinking and make our marriage work. and maybe it was my fault it didn't? it is hard to come to terms with that. it is hard to imagine that such a big part of my life could just be a part of my past? how is that possible? how is it possible that none of the commitment and promises you made matter? i still do the what ifs, what if i would have treated him differently? am i doing the right thing? do i really even have a choice now?
so i need help stepping through the fear and doubt. i'm almost there after all. step one, turn in papers to the atty. (and wait and wait, grr) step two, sell the house. step three, he needs to move out or i do? it is really hard sleeping next to him. he was in bed when i got home last night???
i hurried and got ready to go with my friend and her daughter to dinner and spend the evening at her house. ah asked if i was going to sign the papers and i told him not right this minute and walked out the door. i tried to show no emotion or reaction (i'm sure he expected one)
i know that it is probably a real blessing that he is taking care of this part of things as it is too hard for me. also, i don't want to hear for the next nine years how he got "screwed" (excuse my langauge, but his words) by my realtor, a family friend, because somehow all my family and friends are out to get him even though they have been nothing but good to him. i got us a really good deal on our house and did all the work in buying it, but somehow he got screwed and i haven't heard the end of it.
i am trying to tell myself it is all just material stuff and none of that matters to me anymore. life is soo much more than that. i am going to take a huge loss i know using a stranger realtor and he STILL hasn't fixed the kitchen he tore apart and is trying to sell it without HUGE LOSS THERE!!! i was putting in the dissolution papers that he would repair the kitchen???
i still miss the love and good times. there is still a lot of love between us. it never has been a matter of not having love. there was a time when he really did try to stop drinking and make our marriage work. and maybe it was my fault it didn't? it is hard to come to terms with that. it is hard to imagine that such a big part of my life could just be a part of my past? how is that possible? how is it possible that none of the commitment and promises you made matter? i still do the what ifs, what if i would have treated him differently? am i doing the right thing? do i really even have a choice now?
so i need help stepping through the fear and doubt. i'm almost there after all. step one, turn in papers to the atty. (and wait and wait, grr) step two, sell the house. step three, he needs to move out or i do? it is really hard sleeping next to him. he was in bed when i got home last night???
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Hope,
Wow can I relate right now. The packer is here right now boxing up all my stuff and it's really weird watching it all go into the boxes. Geez, your post is almost exactly what I was going to write.
Our house is on the market, he has agreed to assume payments until it sells, I am moving back from whence we came a few years ago. We are taking a huge loss as well. I guess we're not alone!
He and I are trying to get through this with as much love intact as possible. His drinking led to criminal charges being filed against him after a head-on collision where four other people and himself were injured so he has a long road of legal troubles, fines, etc. awaiting him.
Would it have been any different if I had had the strength to leave him the million times before? That's what I wonder. I guess that's my big "what if" right now. But it is what it is and we can't change it now.
I would love to make all of this unhappen, to be back to the happy couple we were (or seemed to me to be, at least) before the drinking took hold of him. Can't. Have to move forward with what's right for me now. My one regret is that I didn't do it earlier. It may have prevented innocent people from being hurt and may have prevented my husband from going to jail. I don't know that for sure, though. It's also possible the drinking would have continued and the outcome would have been the same. Either way, this is what I have to do now for me.
Good luck!! Keep moving forward. Isn't it strange how sometimes people seem to dwell on negative things, but when it comes to this deal, we remember all the wonderful times and the negatives sometimes fade into the woodwork? Right now I would stop this process cold because life has seemed kind of normal for the past week. I have to force myself to remember the dark cloud that crosses his face and the stumbling around and slurring - and the bottles clanking around in his truck.
Soon this will all be behind us and we will be walking into our new life.
Wow can I relate right now. The packer is here right now boxing up all my stuff and it's really weird watching it all go into the boxes. Geez, your post is almost exactly what I was going to write.
Our house is on the market, he has agreed to assume payments until it sells, I am moving back from whence we came a few years ago. We are taking a huge loss as well. I guess we're not alone!
He and I are trying to get through this with as much love intact as possible. His drinking led to criminal charges being filed against him after a head-on collision where four other people and himself were injured so he has a long road of legal troubles, fines, etc. awaiting him.
Would it have been any different if I had had the strength to leave him the million times before? That's what I wonder. I guess that's my big "what if" right now. But it is what it is and we can't change it now.
I would love to make all of this unhappen, to be back to the happy couple we were (or seemed to me to be, at least) before the drinking took hold of him. Can't. Have to move forward with what's right for me now. My one regret is that I didn't do it earlier. It may have prevented innocent people from being hurt and may have prevented my husband from going to jail. I don't know that for sure, though. It's also possible the drinking would have continued and the outcome would have been the same. Either way, this is what I have to do now for me.
Good luck!! Keep moving forward. Isn't it strange how sometimes people seem to dwell on negative things, but when it comes to this deal, we remember all the wonderful times and the negatives sometimes fade into the woodwork? Right now I would stop this process cold because life has seemed kind of normal for the past week. I have to force myself to remember the dark cloud that crosses his face and the stumbling around and slurring - and the bottles clanking around in his truck.
Soon this will all be behind us and we will be walking into our new life.
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Yes, it's hard. I keep wondering what happened. I mean- I KNOW what happened- but how did it all come to this? It took many years of living with a lot of chaos. But like you, I think about the good times, the love between us. It hasn't felt that good for many years, though. Boy did I try. He'd probably say the same. . . but how much effort can an alcoholic bring to a relationship? There have been moments- but that's not enough. That's what screws me up- the moments. I almost wish it could ALL be crazy-making, so I could plow forward with no looking back. But then what would we be if we didn't look back? Play the tape all the way through.
I'm rambling.
I guess your post just spoke to me. I do what you're doing- second guess myself, wonder if I could have changed something to make "us" work. And then I realize that one person can't make a marriage- he isn't committed to sobriety or us, so I need to keep moving forward. A lot of fear here too- especially with this horrible housing market. I have to sell, and I'm getting no help from him, so I feel very alone. I wish I could move away from him- to another state. But right now I can't, and I will have to deal with him regularly since we have a child together. <<<sigh>>> It's hard- yes, but I get so much from everyone here who has been through the same things. We can do it. Change is hard- but not impossible, and there is something better for us. I'm starting to feel that. (((Take care)))
I'm rambling.
I guess your post just spoke to me. I do what you're doing- second guess myself, wonder if I could have changed something to make "us" work. And then I realize that one person can't make a marriage- he isn't committed to sobriety or us, so I need to keep moving forward. A lot of fear here too- especially with this horrible housing market. I have to sell, and I'm getting no help from him, so I feel very alone. I wish I could move away from him- to another state. But right now I can't, and I will have to deal with him regularly since we have a child together. <<<sigh>>> It's hard- yes, but I get so much from everyone here who has been through the same things. We can do it. Change is hard- but not impossible, and there is something better for us. I'm starting to feel that. (((Take care)))
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thank you rosie
i so needed to hear your words today and i'm here holding your hand and wanting to help you through it too. i am praying that you make it through this day and the healing begins for you.
a new life does await us.
right now my main goal is to no longer be part of the fight, but part of the solution. no matter how ah acts towards me right now. i plan on only approaching him with kindness and respect.
as with all aspects of life i guess we can only deal with the here and now. thank you for reminding me of that. we could go crazy thinking how we could have changed things in the past and the future we don't know plain and simple. all we can do is what is best for today.
what still kinda gets me is the voice in my head telling me i could stop all of this. well, when i think about it, not really right?, it takes two in a marriage.
someone please remind me that not one thing i have done in the past, present, or future can change ah's alcohol problem. only he can and that i cannot have a marriage with it, no matter how hard i try.
a new life does await us.
right now my main goal is to no longer be part of the fight, but part of the solution. no matter how ah acts towards me right now. i plan on only approaching him with kindness and respect.
as with all aspects of life i guess we can only deal with the here and now. thank you for reminding me of that. we could go crazy thinking how we could have changed things in the past and the future we don't know plain and simple. all we can do is what is best for today.
what still kinda gets me is the voice in my head telling me i could stop all of this. well, when i think about it, not really right?, it takes two in a marriage.
someone please remind me that not one thing i have done in the past, present, or future can change ah's alcohol problem. only he can and that i cannot have a marriage with it, no matter how hard i try.
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I will remind you about that. I was having those thoughts, too - did I not love him enough, was I not lovable enough? What could I have done to prevent this slide? I even asked him about that - and his answer was so clear.
There was nothing I could have done. It was all up to him. That's what he said! And I said, if that's the case, why didn't you do something about it before our life fell apart? And he said - I couldn't.
Obviously I think he could have! But really, nothing happens until it's ready to happen. I guess we have to believe that. That we are right where we are supposed to be right now.
What would happen if you stopped it all? For me, I'm pretty sure I'd be right back where I was before too long, wishing I had taken action sooner so I would be a million miles away from the chaos.
When I talked to an alcohol counselor about all this, she said many times when the family falls apart the A will finally do what he needs to do to get sober. So I said, "Maybe I'm saving his life by leaving him." And she told me, "Well, we know you're saving *your* life by leaving him." That has really stuck with me.
Take care, Hope. I admire your resolve to walk in "kindness and respect." I am going to try to keep that in mind for the next couple of days as well! R.
There was nothing I could have done. It was all up to him. That's what he said! And I said, if that's the case, why didn't you do something about it before our life fell apart? And he said - I couldn't.
Obviously I think he could have! But really, nothing happens until it's ready to happen. I guess we have to believe that. That we are right where we are supposed to be right now.
What would happen if you stopped it all? For me, I'm pretty sure I'd be right back where I was before too long, wishing I had taken action sooner so I would be a million miles away from the chaos.
When I talked to an alcohol counselor about all this, she said many times when the family falls apart the A will finally do what he needs to do to get sober. So I said, "Maybe I'm saving his life by leaving him." And she told me, "Well, we know you're saving *your* life by leaving him." That has really stuck with me.
Take care, Hope. I admire your resolve to walk in "kindness and respect." I am going to try to keep that in mind for the next couple of days as well! R.
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thanks rosie. unfortunately, my ah is blaming me and saying that it is my fault for taking intimacy away from him 
he thinks it was working until then. clearly it wasn't working for me right?
i'm glad your ah released you from the blame that was his. my ah- in his better moments- has told me the same thing. so, i'll have to hold on to that.
he thinks it was working until then. clearly it wasn't working for me right? i'm glad your ah released you from the blame that was his. my ah- in his better moments- has told me the same thing. so, i'll have to hold on to that.
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My Ah has taken no responsibility for the break up of our marriage. In fact he has come up with his own explanations, all fantasy, involving me having an affair and him being the victim of me the evil withc gold digger. Yeah, I'm a real gold digger, marrying a man I knew would always make considerably less than I do and paying all the bills while we were married. 
I learned to dismiss his drama, whatever form it took. I never did buy into the blame game he wanted to play. Once I woke up to the realities of my marriage and his alcoholism, I knew what I had to do for me and his words became meaningless.
I learned to dismiss his drama, whatever form it took. I never did buy into the blame game he wanted to play. Once I woke up to the realities of my marriage and his alcoholism, I knew what I had to do for me and his words became meaningless.
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Originally Posted by RosieM 
When I talked to an alcohol counselor about all this, she said many times when the family falls apart the A will finally do what he needs to do to get sober. So I said, "Maybe I'm saving his life by leaving him." And she told me, "Well, we know you're saving *your* life by leaving him." That has really stuck with me.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Thanks Hopeangel and everyone that replied to this thread; it's just what I needed to reinforce within myself.
This is the part that gets to me and makes me wonder if I had tried harder maybe it wouldn't have came to this. I admit I acted like a b*tch a lot of the time and some of it was my own depression and moodiness I was dealing with regarding my son and the situation surrounding the drama with his A Father.
Xabf keeps reminding me that "it wasn't all his fault" which is probably true, so I suppose I have a lot of guilt for that.
But then again I compare his actions to mine and I would have never left him all weekend to go and drink and then blame the drinking on me. I owned my actions and bad behavior.
Originally Posted by RosieM
There was nothing I could have done. It was all up to him.
Xabf keeps reminding me that "it wasn't all his fault" which is probably true, so I suppose I have a lot of guilt for that.
But then again I compare his actions to mine and I would have never left him all weekend to go and drink and then blame the drinking on me. I owned my actions and bad behavior.
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I think sometimes we confuse ourselves (or allow others to confuse us) by thinking that standing up for what is right, what is loving or not, is "being a b*tch." My exAH used the "B" word for almost every woman he knew. I knew these women also, and they were not "b*tches" but self-reliant, strong, fierce, loyal, loving people. Women like this get a bad rap. Men who act that strong and loyal and loving get admiration. Sigh......
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Originally Posted by anvilhead
sometimes we put too much blame on the alcoholism.....what i mean is relationships and marriages END every day, for no reason other than it's just not a good fit anymore. people grow and change, hopefully!!! with drinking (or drug use) in the mix, there's an almost automatic BLAME switch....IF he didn't drink none of this would have happened, ALCOHOL ruined my life, etc.......we find ourselves referring to it as the other woman, an entity........when in reality, drinking is just a form of self medicating, a coping mechanism, an escape....used by an individual who would rather get drunk than deal with life on life's terms, one day at a time, and stay focused and committed to their partner..
But then again 8 months ago he wasn't drinking *as much* but what I didn't realize was he still was acting very much like a very active alcoholic. Eight months ago I didn't even factor in the booze just his bad behavior, and I now think they both are equally a problem for me, they go hand in hand. I probably couldn't deal with him even if he wasn't an alcoholic. His behavior and values in life lack integrity and he has no respect for himself. Not what I'm looking for in a partner.
My counselor said that when people are not comforted as children they don't know how to comfort someone as an adult. It's foreign to them and it makes them feel uncomfortable. I guess that explains a lot when he would just tell me to "buck up and be strong" when I was sobbing like a baby, and just wanted a hug and to be held. *rolls eyes*
Last edited by lexusgirl; 04-29-2008 at 03:28 PM.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
damn girl, you are sounding SO healthy! and I probably couldn't deal with him even if he wasn't an alcoholic. His behavior and values in life lack integrity and he has no respect for himself. Not what I'm looking for in a partner.
just wanted to acknowledge that!!! and give ya a big ole
just wanted to acknowledge that!!! and give ya a big ole
I'm slowly getting there, but I have soooooo much more to work on...It seems like when I make progress in a few areas of my life and understanding my past, something else crops up. It seems neverending... hope I'm not in therapy another 10 years YIKES!
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You are totally f'ing rocking, Lexus.
Now the secret here is, to start having MORE days like today when you are truly FEELING the power and insights you are getting because of making the right choice for you, and less days when your focus is on him. The longer you hold onto him, the longer it is going to take you to get to that point. You decide how many more days you are going to let the guy take up space in your head. He doesn't really deserve any more space. Fill it back up again with just you and your son. You two are a FAMILY and nothing will ever take that away from you. What a gift, huh? I love my kids, problems and all, and know that I am right where I am supposed to be in life, right now, for myself and my kids.
THAT is empowerment, and THAT is real love
Now the secret here is, to start having MORE days like today when you are truly FEELING the power and insights you are getting because of making the right choice for you, and less days when your focus is on him. The longer you hold onto him, the longer it is going to take you to get to that point. You decide how many more days you are going to let the guy take up space in your head. He doesn't really deserve any more space. Fill it back up again with just you and your son. You two are a FAMILY and nothing will ever take that away from you. What a gift, huh? I love my kids, problems and all, and know that I am right where I am supposed to be in life, right now, for myself and my kids.
THAT is empowerment, and THAT is real love
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Hopeangel,
I know that some days are going to be hard, and at this early stage of separation, they must be outweighing the good days. I used to just let myself say "It's going to be one of those days" and proceed to nurture myself with whatever worked while I cried my way through it. Please believe me when I say that, with time, the good days WILL outnumber the bad. And you will learn valuable lessons along the way about life, coping, and surrendering to change. The tools you find that work for you in your moments of challenge will help you greatly in the future when other crises come up. But with giving yourself the life you want and deserve, those crises should be few and far between and you will be in a much healthier, stronger way to deal with them. Life is like that, one challenge after another. Be proud of yourself for plodding through yours NOT under the influence of a mind-killing substance. We rob ourselves of such growth when we hesitate to walk through our pain instead of accepting it as the greatest of teachers.
I know that some days are going to be hard, and at this early stage of separation, they must be outweighing the good days. I used to just let myself say "It's going to be one of those days" and proceed to nurture myself with whatever worked while I cried my way through it. Please believe me when I say that, with time, the good days WILL outnumber the bad. And you will learn valuable lessons along the way about life, coping, and surrendering to change. The tools you find that work for you in your moments of challenge will help you greatly in the future when other crises come up. But with giving yourself the life you want and deserve, those crises should be few and far between and you will be in a much healthier, stronger way to deal with them. Life is like that, one challenge after another. Be proud of yourself for plodding through yours NOT under the influence of a mind-killing substance. We rob ourselves of such growth when we hesitate to walk through our pain instead of accepting it as the greatest of teachers.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Originally Posted by peaceteach
You are totally f'ing rocking, Lexus.
Now the secret here is, to start having MORE days like today when you are truly FEELING the power and insights you are getting because of making the right choice for you, and less days when your focus is on him. The longer you hold onto him, the longer it is going to take you to get to that point. You decide how many more days you are going to let the guy take up space in your head. He doesn't really deserve any more space. Fill it back up again with just you and your son. You two are a FAMILY and nothing will ever take that away from you. What a gift, huh? I love my kids, problems and all, and know that I am right where I am supposed to be in life, right now, for myself and my kids.
THAT is empowerment, and THAT is real love
Now the secret here is, to start having MORE days like today when you are truly FEELING the power and insights you are getting because of making the right choice for you, and less days when your focus is on him. The longer you hold onto him, the longer it is going to take you to get to that point. You decide how many more days you are going to let the guy take up space in your head. He doesn't really deserve any more space. Fill it back up again with just you and your son. You two are a FAMILY and nothing will ever take that away from you. What a gift, huh? I love my kids, problems and all, and know that I am right where I am supposed to be in life, right now, for myself and my kids.
THAT is empowerment, and THAT is real love
Yesterday I didn't feel so rocking...it's a really long story, but I know exactly why I did what I did. I recognized my behavior and my counselor and I talked about why I do this awhile ago. I sabatoged something on purpose as I was too afraid to deal with the hurt and pain.
I was and still am so angry and disappointed in myself. And I'm feeling tons of guilt as well. Having a hard time being easy with myself.
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Hope....I am six months ahead of you...you are doing everything right. I still have times where I second guess myself. I also got us into our house...did all the work and then left it all behind. One thing that helped me is something a friend told me back then:
It's only a house.
Someday, you will be in a home where there is peace and joy. Life will be happy. I am there. I am here to tell you that you will be where I am someday and not believe how much better life is! I am not saying life will be perfect, but the happy days come hard and fast when you no longer have the stress of an AH in your life on a daily basis.
Hugs to you. Keep hang in there. You are doing well. Happy joyful days are coming!
It's only a house.
Someday, you will be in a home where there is peace and joy. Life will be happy. I am there. I am here to tell you that you will be where I am someday and not believe how much better life is! I am not saying life will be perfect, but the happy days come hard and fast when you no longer have the stress of an AH in your life on a daily basis.
Hugs to you. Keep hang in there. You are doing well. Happy joyful days are coming!
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peaceteach- you rock! And I agree Lex does too. I got more out of this one post than I have in all of the ones I've read over the past week.
(((hopeangel))) I hope you are feeling better today!
(((hopeangel))) I hope you are feeling better today!
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hi
once again i'm overwelmed by the great responses on here. i'd love to sit and reply to every one of them, but i'm at work.
thank you so much for the reassurance. keepingmyjoy, thank you for saying i'm doing everything right. i needed to hear that because i am sure trying. it meant a lot to me.
so, last night, i went home from work and signed the papers to sell our house. it is now on the market. i am sad because i really do love the house and had so many hopes and dreams for it, but realistically, i know it is too much for me by myself. it could sell next week, or next year. i'm really hoping it sells very quickly as i am anxious to move on really.
it was very very hard last night. i cried hysterically (but watching the clock as it was 7:30 and idol was on at 8:00-lol, so just like advice given on here, i allowed myself one half hour to feel the emotion and then it was done at least for then). i told ah i was doing it for him because it is what he wanted and i was setting him free. he has never really been happy with the house. i was giving him control that i had never given him before. i think he was shocked i didn't want to read any of the papers or anything, just signed. he said he would handle all the rest. i told him i no longer wanted to be part of the fight, i wanted to be part of the solution. i told him i loved him and i hoped he would be able to be happy.
all in all, i think i handled it very well. as i am stronger, i'm amazed at how my feelings and emotions no long seem to be ruling me. i can feel them and they pass pretty quickly and in the end all in all i am still seeming to find the strength to keep moving forward and hold tight to my convictions.
thanks everyone!!!!!!!!!
thank you so much for the reassurance. keepingmyjoy, thank you for saying i'm doing everything right. i needed to hear that because i am sure trying. it meant a lot to me.
so, last night, i went home from work and signed the papers to sell our house. it is now on the market. i am sad because i really do love the house and had so many hopes and dreams for it, but realistically, i know it is too much for me by myself. it could sell next week, or next year. i'm really hoping it sells very quickly as i am anxious to move on really.
it was very very hard last night. i cried hysterically (but watching the clock as it was 7:30 and idol was on at 8:00-lol, so just like advice given on here, i allowed myself one half hour to feel the emotion and then it was done at least for then). i told ah i was doing it for him because it is what he wanted and i was setting him free. he has never really been happy with the house. i was giving him control that i had never given him before. i think he was shocked i didn't want to read any of the papers or anything, just signed. he said he would handle all the rest. i told him i no longer wanted to be part of the fight, i wanted to be part of the solution. i told him i loved him and i hoped he would be able to be happy.
all in all, i think i handled it very well. as i am stronger, i'm amazed at how my feelings and emotions no long seem to be ruling me. i can feel them and they pass pretty quickly and in the end all in all i am still seeming to find the strength to keep moving forward and hold tight to my convictions.
thanks everyone!!!!!!!!!
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