newbie needs guidance
hopefull husband
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WA
Posts: 38
newbie needs guidance
I'm greatfull to have found this site. Thanks to all for all I've read already.
My addict wife (not sure of the correct abreviation) has been in inpatient treatment for 5 months, and coming home soon. I have enjoyed 5 months of chaos free living, and watched my 2 preschool sons blossom with stabilty and sanity in thier lives.
I am optimistic and hopefull for my wife's recovery, she is working hard and wants it. Left alone, she'd be without her kids and on the street, I was done. Thankfully I got some help and was able to get her pointed to help.
I attended a great family program at her treatment center, and have done some reading, but haven't gone to any meetings yet. My excuse is the full time dad thing, but I need to get around that, now.
My concerns are the relationship with my "new" wife. I have 20 years of being a funtional adult, she has 5 months, and a strong will. I have to work on my issues of being a fixer (OK, Contoller)
Drawing the line previpously was based on the kids safety. I'm pretty sure that wont be an issue now. I have to figure out what my boundaries should be based on now, and how to do what is best for the boys and I, and still support her recovery (and mine)
I don't have any real questions, just throwing this out for a little guidance or suggestions
Thank You
My addict wife (not sure of the correct abreviation) has been in inpatient treatment for 5 months, and coming home soon. I have enjoyed 5 months of chaos free living, and watched my 2 preschool sons blossom with stabilty and sanity in thier lives.
I am optimistic and hopefull for my wife's recovery, she is working hard and wants it. Left alone, she'd be without her kids and on the street, I was done. Thankfully I got some help and was able to get her pointed to help.
I attended a great family program at her treatment center, and have done some reading, but haven't gone to any meetings yet. My excuse is the full time dad thing, but I need to get around that, now.
My concerns are the relationship with my "new" wife. I have 20 years of being a funtional adult, she has 5 months, and a strong will. I have to work on my issues of being a fixer (OK, Contoller)
Drawing the line previpously was based on the kids safety. I'm pretty sure that wont be an issue now. I have to figure out what my boundaries should be based on now, and how to do what is best for the boys and I, and still support her recovery (and mine)
I don't have any real questions, just throwing this out for a little guidance or suggestions
Thank You
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Welcome! Glad you are here! You will find lots of support here. (I am actually a recovering alcoholic/addict..so I don't have any advise from "the flip-side" so to speak.) It is great to see how you are willing to work on recovery with your wife. I wish you and your family the best. God bless! :ghug2
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
How can you be with your wife without fixing and controlling?
How great that you are giving your kids a chance to be in an intact family.
All you can do is be the best dad and husband.
Hopefully, your wife will be doing her best too.
How great that you are giving your kids a chance to be in an intact family.
All you can do is be the best dad and husband.
Hopefully, your wife will be doing her best too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
First off, welcome!
Second, grats to her for 5 months. That is good news and I will send you love and hope for that to continue.
Third, welcome to the controlling club. I'm a member. Not only am I a member, but I often feel like founder, CEO and HR director all in one (only some days.)
What you and I have in common is that I had such peace when he was away from me. No drama. No snooping. No worry. No suspicion. God, it was heavenly. Him coming back was a shock to that. I had a newborn and I pretty much holed myself in the baby's room with the television and the laptop for a few days. I had to come out. I had to face it.
It does get easier. It did for me. I still have rough weeks where I'll go into a fit of suspicion and start to look for signs. My intuition has been through the ringer so much that I am not sure I can rely on it--at least not now. If I did listen to my "gut," I'd still be going through the trash every night when he left.
What made it easier for me was learning how to be up front, honest and to keep the lines of communication as open as possible. At first, I kept it in--my worries. Then, I learned how to bring them up w/o judging or making him feel bad. Now, I just tell him, "I'm having a bad day today," or "I had a bad dream about you using again," (which happens about once a week, still.)
He knows I struggle same as I know he does, but we tell one another these things and our rule is that we don't get nasty or accuse one another or judge. It usually goes like this:
Me: Baby, I'm having a hard day. Had a bad dream. It just sneaks up on me sometimes.
Him: I'm sorry. (hugs me) What can I do?
Me: Nothing right now. I just wanted you to know. It'll pass.
Sometimes, we'll watch a movie or go have lunch to get my mind off it. He has told me a few times now when HE's had bad days--when he has no energy and in the past would have used meth to get through work. We'll go get him a Rock Star soda at the store and stay active.
I'm not saying DO THIS. I'm saying this is what is working for me right now. I've gotten a lot better and am far more relaxed than I was.
Sorry for writing so much!
Anyway, nice to meet you. Please hang out a while!
Second, grats to her for 5 months. That is good news and I will send you love and hope for that to continue.
Third, welcome to the controlling club. I'm a member. Not only am I a member, but I often feel like founder, CEO and HR director all in one (only some days.)
What you and I have in common is that I had such peace when he was away from me. No drama. No snooping. No worry. No suspicion. God, it was heavenly. Him coming back was a shock to that. I had a newborn and I pretty much holed myself in the baby's room with the television and the laptop for a few days. I had to come out. I had to face it.
It does get easier. It did for me. I still have rough weeks where I'll go into a fit of suspicion and start to look for signs. My intuition has been through the ringer so much that I am not sure I can rely on it--at least not now. If I did listen to my "gut," I'd still be going through the trash every night when he left.
What made it easier for me was learning how to be up front, honest and to keep the lines of communication as open as possible. At first, I kept it in--my worries. Then, I learned how to bring them up w/o judging or making him feel bad. Now, I just tell him, "I'm having a bad day today," or "I had a bad dream about you using again," (which happens about once a week, still.)
He knows I struggle same as I know he does, but we tell one another these things and our rule is that we don't get nasty or accuse one another or judge. It usually goes like this:
Me: Baby, I'm having a hard day. Had a bad dream. It just sneaks up on me sometimes.
Him: I'm sorry. (hugs me) What can I do?
Me: Nothing right now. I just wanted you to know. It'll pass.
Sometimes, we'll watch a movie or go have lunch to get my mind off it. He has told me a few times now when HE's had bad days--when he has no energy and in the past would have used meth to get through work. We'll go get him a Rock Star soda at the store and stay active.
I'm not saying DO THIS. I'm saying this is what is working for me right now. I've gotten a lot better and am far more relaxed than I was.
Sorry for writing so much!
Anyway, nice to meet you. Please hang out a while!
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