tesquizito

Hi all,

I'm having an issue with all this crap I'm doing in the name of sobriety. I know I have a drinking problem, so I've subscribed to AA for the last 2 months and drank their kool-aid, and I don't like the mindfuq that comes with it.

Lately it seems I'm constantly obsessing, becoming bipolar 3 times a day about everything. One minute I feel "serenity", the next I want to obliterate this "program". I feel like it's affecting my regular life...the part that "works". It seems now I'm constantly reading, praying, finding god, calling my sponsor and going to meetings at all hours of the day. All I signed up for was not drinking, is all this really necessary??

I do this and go through the motions, because these people are not drinking and seem to be content with themselves. But I don't like people messing with my head in this manner. I was raised in the church, know an awful lot about "indoctrination" and the history of religion, including the Oxford Group. I think I'm pretty objective when it comes to this subject.

So c'mon now. Is this all really necessary?? Can't I just fix the "behavioral" problem at hand, and not need to relinquish my life and become another AA drone?

Sorry if I'm being offensive, I'm looking for help, trying to be open-minded, this is just really what I think at the moment.

Anna

Well...

In my opinion, no, you can't just fix the behavioural problem, meaning stopping drinking.

That's the beginning.

After that, comes the inner work. I am not an AA person, but I have worked on myself every single day since I stopped drinking. Recovery is the most important thing in my life. I have found the core of myself in recovery and I have learned to like that person. I've never felt like anyone was messing with my head. I've looked at lots of advice and some I've taken and some I have not. That's okay.

anon79344

I hear ya. I'm only two days sober, so I am not one to be giving advice. I hear where you're coming from though. I feel like alot of people trade in the alcohol addiction for an AA addiction. Sure, an AA addiction is better then an alcohol addiction, but I would prefer to have neither. I am also agnostic, and dont want to have "higher power" crap shoved down my throat. I wish to just stop drinking, and lead a normal life. I dont want to become an AA drone either. I dont want my social life to become just associating with recovering alcoholics.

Alot of people do get sober without AA, but even more seem to get sober with AA. The choice is yours...

Ananda

just to let you know - I have found that I can have a full life with AA and a "regular" life. I have been encouraged to follow my own path and I am definately not a clone.

In the end it will be up to you how you utilize the AA program. I believe in trying any program that seems to fit and help. Statistics to me are just statistics. Statistically since there were 3 people from my hometown in treatment when I went in, we shouldn't all be sober at 9mos ...but we are!

I have had the feelings you are talking about, and I have them too at times. Then I just center on what the program is to me.

You might try reading the sponsorship pamflet. I'm reading it right now and it really helps me to understand not only sponsorship but the fellowship as a whole.

Keep us up to date.

slash

There are PLENTY (unlimited, I would imagine) of ways to achieve a very fulfilling and beautiful recovery without AA...without a sponsor...without prayer....without meetings, etc. The problem is, the only way to find the right way is through trial and error. No one can tell you what will work for you. I truly wish I could tell you what to do, my friend. If yoyu are honest with yourself and others and don't give up, you will eventually find your answers. I wish you all the best.

slash

I agree. "healthy addiction" is an oxymoron. If something reaches the point of addiction...it is no longer healthy - PERIOD. This is not a matter of opinion, but a matter of truth, of fact.

warrens

Tes

Almost put out an APB for you this morning. Been wondering how you are doing.

I wonder. I wonder if it isn't the disease messing with your head?

It has been my experience with AA that religion played no part of it. In many respects, a reflection of society, a mixture of devout and "other."

It would seem to me that you live in an area where there must be some great meetings that are available nowhere else.

I too, would be put off if what you describe was a "requirement." I just haven't seen it. For all anyone knows, Jerry Garcia is my higher power. I'm not presently going to meetings but plan to. And I have but one available. I will make it meet my needs.

Hope you are still doing well!

warren

hope45

I'm not an AA'er either but about 3 weeks after quitting (I'm on day 36 now) , I began feeling like I had substituted one addiction for another. I was obsessing over "not drinking". I don't mean that I wanted to drink or was missing drinking, it was just that the fact that I wasn't drinking suddenly became the central focus of my life. I was spending way too much time on SR, constantly thinking about sobriety, turning things over and over in my head, etc. I felt like all the things I am, the essence of ME, were getting shoved aside, and my personality and life had become this narrow, one-dimensional "person who doesn't drink". I found I needed to back off a little bit on the time and energy I was devoting to my recovery and get back to my normal life. That's not to say that I don't work on my sobriety, I just don't want that work to take over my whole life. If you're that uncomfortable with AA, maybe you should look into a different approach. Forcing yourself to follow a program you find so "not you" for lack of a better word, sounds counter-productive.

ImJulie

This is just my experience.
I too wondered about all these meetings.....wasnt AA just really substituting one adddiction for another?
Even if its a good addiction...I dont want any addictions of any kind.
Well, guess what? Too damn bad for me! I *do* have an addiction to alcohol.
The prescribed treatment thats been working for me is AA.
If you get cancer....the treatment might be chemo. Dont wanna go to chemo? Ok...go home and die.
If you are diagnosed with diabetes..,.the prescribed treatment might be insulin and diet. Dont wanna take a needle every day? Fine....go home and die.
For me, its that simple.
I dont like that I have the disease of alcoholism. Sometimes I hate the treatment for it.
I can suck it up and surrender to what thousands before me have used to succesfully maintain sobriety....or I can go home and die.
For me, it IS that simple.
As an alcoholic, I am prone sometimes to thinking WAY too much....analyzing everything.
But that is one thing I cant afford to let my messed up head analyze.
I choose living.

donnajr1

Hey! I'd like to add my two cents, if you don't mind. Your Higher Power can be anything, not just God. But I did order a book from amazon.com, "How to Quit Drinking Without AA," by Jerry Dorsman. It's paperback and I believe mine was an excellent used copy at a cheaper rate.

Good luck and best wishes to you!

Donna

P.S. I bought this book, and went on back to AA to try it a second time. I have given up on alcohol making my life better in any way. You just have to surrender to it and truly believe your life has become unmanageable, which mine had.

tesquizito

Oh hi Warren :-) Yes I'm still here, just figured I was boring everybody with my daily "went to work, walked the dogs" posts. I almost put *myself* to sleep ;-)

I'm in the San Francisco Bay Area, there are 20 meetings in every direction at any given moment. If I am "standoff-ish" I can avoid the "devout". But I'm giving it a shot so I'm in bed with the radicals.

I mean, hell...if I have a disease like Julie says and I am sentenced to a life of AA, okay...I guess I can deal with that, or I will learn to.

But I'm not getting why "alcoholism" is the only disease that requires spiritual intervention. Cancer doesn't. Doctors aren't prescribing meetings for diabetes, or require complete emotional and spiritual surrender for recovery.

And lets get real, if AA is what it says it is...Bill W. is a prophet. Because the message of AA is divine and he is the original messenger.

I dunno, sounds fishy to me, at this moment.

p.s. Jerry Garcia sounds like a great "higher power" ;-)

p.p.s. I shared the stage with Phil Lesh 3 weekends ago, he's a bit old for my appreciation, but I hear he's important or something ;-)

ImJulie

Hey Tes...you got something great going for you that many people take a long time to find.
Willingness.
Willingness has been the key in getting me through some of my really tough days.
Im sending a big fat hug your way......you can enjoy it if you want to, but its selfishly motivated. I tend to alienate myself from people, and get really standoffish. So, a well put together person in AA told me to start hugging people.
Consider yourself hugged.

warrens

That was my point entirely. I wouldn't doubt if Jerry doesn't make a guest appearance at some of the meetings your way. Hell, I'd go to meetings there just to see who shows up!

BTW, I once shared a stage with JS Bach...

Seriously, you might think your posts mundane, but others who struggle don't. Those who struggle benefit from hearing from those who are "making it."

Perhaps if diabetes were a disease that was continually begging it's victims to kill themselves with sugar, there would be a spiritual need.

warren

mle-sober

Tezquizito,

I think that many of us go through a stage where we resent our recovery. For lots of reasons: it saps all our energy, it replaced our lover named Alcohol, it seems to dictate what we should and shouldn't do, & it defines us in a way we don't necessarily like.

I don't want to be an alcoholic. I hate it. It embarrasses me and sometimes makes me miserable. But there is no way in heck that I am going to let it win. No way. I have to do what I have to do. But while I am doing what I must do, I can also be true to who I am and be as present and fully myself at the same time. It means being honest and plunging with full force into my next task in recovery - whether it is talking to my spouse about something I've realized or read or whether it is sharing when called on at a meeting. It means not being false or letting myself fake recovery. I've caught myself doing that. Oops, back away from the edge.

And then, one hope I hold on to is that, with time, I will be able to be less outwardly engaged in recovery activities. I have almost 3 months. That's nothing. I'd been drinking for 26 years. Drinking hard for 21. It took me 25 years to learn how to make my living. It took me 15 years to have all my kids and get them out of diapers. It took me 2 years to get to a point with my spouse where we were ready to be married.

Maybe I can give my recovery from alcoholism a full year. And then, maybe I can slowly let go of a few safeguards and see how I feel. I don't want to mess this up. I want to do it right. And that doesn't mean I feel like it all the time. I do resent it sometimes. But I need to push past that.

I don't know about AA verses other programs. I just went to AA and felt comfortable there. I'm not real comfortable in groups and I'm not a religious person. But I didn't experience either of those obstacles. I experienced individual, unique people reaching out to help me. That's what I still experience.

Hang in there.

hope45

Well personally I don't believe recovery does require spiritual intervention, religious or otherwise. That's just my opinion. What I do believe, is that most people who become alcoholics, don't do so in a vacuum. I think there's something in our pasts or personalities which caused us to drink too much to begin with. Until you deal with whatever it was that drove you to abuse alcohol in the first place, the danger of falling into the pit again is going to be much higher. So, in my opinion, real recovery requires something more than just changing your drinking behavior. It requires some sort of shift in perspective. Whatever path you choose to achieve that shift seems fine to me.

But to be effective, I think you have to be open to the underlying philosophy of whatever program or method you use. Continuing with a program which seems like "crap" and "brainwashing" to you, just because it works for some people seems silly. Why not at least try to find another AA meeting which better suits your personality?

RK2007

I think it's the idea of surrendering that puts me off AA or similar - placing myself completely at the mercy of a 'higher power' that I don't even understand on any basis - I just don't accept that I'm not in control of what I do, even my addictive behaviours (which includes all the horrible addictive behaviours like being manipulative, destructive, etc). I think I'm responsible for it all. I'm trying to take some of that on board and deal with that a little at a time but so many of these behaviours resulted from my relationship with alcohol that I've already noticed some changes for the better since stopping - more importantly, others have noticed.

I understand that not everybody shares the same view as me though, and that AA works for a lot of people - so I won't knock it, I know it does save/change lives.

I guess it's a hard choice to make for some people to make, it has to be right for them.

tesquizito

Thanks everyone. I think tonight I'll be going to a SMART meeting. There's one in about 3 hours. Not sure what my sponsor will think about that, but I want to check something else out.

Tuesday I'll likely be at my regular AA meeting. I really do get a lot out of them, aside from the stuff I already mentioned.

Ananda

Just FYI - diabetis is another disease that requires daily treatment via diet, excersie and sometimes meds.....disipline, following a path even when you don't want to, etc. It also is a disease of denial....people die from it when they wouldn't if they followed a simple diabetic program.


"Perhaps if diabetes were a disease that was continually begging it's victims to kill themselves with sugar, there would be a spiritual need."

It does!

There are actually alot of similarities.

something to think about.

warrens

Ananda

Is this true? Perhaps it is...

Made ME think.

warren

CarolD

We have a new thread about
how often meetings are attended.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-syndrome.html

I doubt that 1 a week
will make a whit of differnce ...

Don't want AA?
Don't go....very simple.