Confused757

No...

I'm not obsessing over him today. Lol! I'm just curious as to how long he expects to stay gone & then return to us like nothing happened.

Is it normal for the alcoholic/addict to be seperated from his family (not in rehab) in order to get "better?" If it is normal, why is that? If alcoholism is a family disease, then why doesn't the family deal with it together instead of seperatly?

I'm all for AA & Al-Anon, but lately, my AH doesn't want to carry on a conversation with me until I go to Al-Anon. I feel as though because I'm not actively involved in meetings like he is, that I'm not worth his time. I was never before either, because I wasn't a big drinker like he was. (I can't win...Lol!) I'm glad that AH is finally attending meetings & working on himself, but how can he love me or his children, want to stay with me & need his family if he doesn't want to be around us or talk to us. (He's said these things to me more than once) He doesn't even ask about his girls anymore & we don't talk much at all. He has also told him grandma that he would talk to her when she attends a meeting.

I am just curious. Ooo! Chicken's here! I'm hungry!

Becky

hadenoughnow

Sound like he is still trying to manipulate things from afar. Telling others to attend meetings conditionally is not part of the AA program. If someone told me they would not speak with me I would take them up on their offer.

lexusgirl

Thats what came to mind as well. He should be worrying only about himself and his sobriety, not about your recovery through Al Anon.

Besides with his track record, why would you even be inclined to believe anything this man has to say?

Confused757

He'll talk to me sometimes, but lately he hasn't been answering his phone but will sometimes answer my text messages. (I email his phone since I don't have a cell)

He'll ask me a lot, "Have you been to Al-Anon?" "Go to Al-Anon." "How was your Al-Anon meeting?" I'm feeling pressured & I shouldn't be.

He spoke with his grandma who is getting fed up with the way AH has been spiraling down & got upset while on the phone with him. He told her to call him back when she's been to Al-Anon. If Al-Anon is for me to help myself, shouldn't it be MY decision to go? I should think so.

Becky

Confused757

I don't believe him at all. He's a CONSTANT liar. I'm just trying to understand what's "normal" (involving AA & recovery) & what isn't. He seems to be involving himself with other recovering addicts only & shutting out everyone else. To me, that's not normal.

laurie6781

To coin an old phrase:

Something is rotten in Denmark!

I have been sober almost 27 years now, and not only worked heavily with my sponsor in early recovery but have worked with many many sponsees.

He is still MANIPULATING and SELLING YOU A BILL OF GOODS.

That is not the AA Program as written in the 164 pages of the Big Book of AA. Yes more time is spent in meetings, both before (helping to set up) and after (helping to clean up and put away) IDEALLY and going for coffee after mettings etc.

However, it is still a LOT LESS TIME than was spent in bars and drinking. Ergo still leaving MORE time for Work and FAMILY.

I know of no AA program that tells those in recovery to INSIST that their friends and family attend Alanon. Sheesh what a pile of BS.

Just ignore him. Or if you are feeling feisty, ask him where in the first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says that you have to go to Alanon. In other words call him on his BS. Because that is all it is BS.

Should you like to know what the BB of AA says, here it is on line, book mark the site and read whenever you want:

AA Big Book

There now you have the real story to read anytime you want.

As to going to Alanon, go if you want, don't go if you don't want. However, I would suggest you try it for at least 6 meetings. When I was 3 years sober on my sobriety date, my AA sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY. roflmao

I can honestly tell you that it has helped my recovery all these years IMMENSELY. Alanon has given me tools to communicate with alkie and/or addicts and normies alike. I have learned how to take care of ME in POSITIVE ways, and how to set my boundaries and yet be communicative with others.

Again, it's your choice. Yes I am an alcoholic. What I didn't realize is that I was also a codie. Gee growing with an alcoholic father (whom I adored) and a codie mother (who I did not get along with) who would have thought? roflmao

Confused please feel free to PM me anytime.

Love and hugs,

Sweetiepie1

Aren't you tempted to try a few Alanon meetings but just not tell him? :-)

cen616

I agree with everyone who is saying this is a manipulation on his part.

My A suggested I try Al-Anon, and even gave me contact info for some of his AA friends relatives, when we first got together. He figured it would help me deal with his crap. But, he's never insisted or demanded I go to a meeting or talk to someone.

Though it took me a while to find my way there, I will say that suggestion is the best damn thing he's ever done for me.

Barbara52

Just as you cannot demand or require that he attend AA meetings, he cannot demand or require that you attend AlAnon meetings.

Many find those meetings very helpful. I have never gone to one myself. I just haven't felt the need. I have approached my recovery thru reading, individual therapy and this forum.

Confused757

I have a lot of questions & most of them can only be answered by my AH. I don't want to sit in a room & hear stories of things that will remind me of how messed up my entire marriage has been. I am reminded every day anyway. Yes, it would help to know that I'm not the only one out there that's had these problems, but just being here on the forums is helping in that way.

In a message from my AH today, he wrote:

I do not want you to go to the Alanon meetings. I only want you to understand, for you, not for me. I am sorry if the request came out wrong. You asked, "what can I do to support you?" I would like to reanswer that question. Given the chance, I would reply "Recover from the devastation I have put you through by doing what you feel is right for you."

He also attached a meeting time & address here that I didn't find online when I looked. He also wrote this:
I have to do what I am doing so I can stay alive, from there, it can get better.

He sounds much different. Not like himself. Almost like a robot, but maybe because I'm just used to the "using" AH.....

Or this could all be complete BS!

Barbara52

It sounds as if he may be choosing to concentrate on his recovery. If so, that's a good thing.

He's right that the best thing you can do is work on yourself and your recovery, what ever form that takes for you.

peaceteach

I have to do what I am doing so I can stay alive, from there, it can get better.


This is a deadly disease, and it sounds like your A knows this and is choosing LIFE. If he sounds robotic, perhaps he is just trying with all his might to "walk the walk" until it becomes his new normal. I believe it is true that he must keep ALL of his focus on himself right now and the program. He said something very loving and mature to you in the midst of his painful realization that he absolutely CANNOT drink again or it could mean death for him. He asks you to do what is right for YOU.

I would take him up on that thought. WHAT does sound right for you?

laurie6781

Now there's that 'light bulb' moment that many of us have. I said almost the exact same thing when I was 6 or 7 weeks sober. It was like the realization was finally setting in that yes, I had died in that ER, and yes I was given a 2nd chance, and this was the only way from here on out that would keep me alive, and OMG is this going to be hard!

However, no matter what HE SAYS, instead of listening to the WORDS, watch HIS ACTIONS. The ACTIONS will tell you if he is serious or not.

Now, in your posts you have stated you are 'confused' and do not really understand 'alcoholism and or addiction." Sweetie you never will. I can tell you from my own experience that most of my thinking, motives, actions were very twisted from most folks. I truly did walk to a 'different drummer.' Between my denial and my NEED for my DOC my whole life evolved around my MASTER, KING ALCOHOL AND DRUGS.

Maybe it's time to stop trying to figure him out, and start working on figuring you out. I know I am still figuring me out after almost 27 years. Early in recovery it was explained to me that this effort on my part would be like 'peeling an onion' one layer at a time. Now that I could understand.

Maybe by concentrating on YOU, and what YOU need to do for YOU to make YOUR LIFE more comfortable is what will help you right now.

J M H O

Love and hugs,