MtnGirl65

I need support and advice at this time. This is my first posting. My son is in rehab, and we have a family week with intense counseling that is in the near future. At the advice of his counselor, my son is giving me information/honesty in pieces rather than dumping a lot at once. The other night over the phone, he revealed that his dad (my ex-husband) smoked crack with him. It took all that I had not to explode right then, but I didn't. I remained calm and listened to him because he begged me to not get mad. Keep in mind that my son is in rehab for a prescription pain pill addiction--not crack. I didn't know that he had ever tried crack until the other night. How am I going to attend a week of family counseling with my ex-husband without killing him? This must be the most dysfunctional thing that has ever happened to a family. Please give me your thoughts. Thanks!

Jewelz

Wow I am so sorry I dont know what to say. I dont see how that subject cant come up. I am praying for you, for strength to get through family week.

((((Mtngirl))))

bookmiser

(((((((MntGirl)))))))

It's not as uncommon as you would think, sweetie.
My exah used to let my son drink and smoke pot with him
when he had visitation. I was never told until son became
addicted to heroin. He admitted alot after that. More than
a mom should even know about.
We've always been close, my son and I. Yet, I never knew about that.
My exah still denies it. He is also still an alcoholic/pot smoker. Locked
up right now for dui. My son is clean of heroin (over 2 years now).
It does no good to blame or point the finger at the ex. They are still in
denial or admit fault. Don't waste your time, energy, or serenity trying.
Detach from him and keep the focus on your son's recovery.
That's the most important thing now.
Sending prayers that your son is on the right path with continued
sobriety and recovery.
Mom hugs to you,

MtnGirl65

Thanks so much for the replies. I feel that when a parent uses with a child that must affect that child's self-esteem greatly. My main response to my son was that more than anything he did not deserve that from his father. He deserved and was more than worthy of the best parents in the world. I want him to understand this. Also, his father has been using drugs for quite a while. This behavior has greatly affected our son. Again, thank you for your reply!

Ann

Go ahead!!

Okay, so those were my "thoughts'. I'd be furious too, I'm furious and it isn't even my son.

Your son is in recovery, that's really what is important here. The week of family counseling might be a good time to just get this out in the open and call it what it is.

Your son is in my prayers.

Hugs

MtnGirl65

Thank you, Ann! Quick history. My XAH's family covers and lies for him in our community. I don't know if he'll ever get better, and this is very hurtful for both of my sons. On the upside, the XAH is supposedly going to rehab because of the turn of events with our son. I don't care how addicted that I was to something I would never give in to that addiction by using with my son. I would flat out die first!! At some level, I feel that my son participated in this(the son provided the drug that night) to see if his father would go along, and he did!! Thanks for letting me vent.

Spiritual Seeker

Remember the serenity prayer: God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
As bitter a pill as this is to swallow...we have no power over the past.
Try working your own recovery program through al-anon and use the present circumstances as a challenge to look within. Welcome and embrace the challenge.
Let the rehab staff help your son and ex to be aware of boundaries "turn it over"
Your son may surrender and start on his spiritual path and we have the option as their parent to do the same.

Welcome here from another mom whose 23 yr. old son is also in long term rehab. His third rehab. Progress not perfection is one of the slogans. It sounds like you
are doing what you need to do for yourself, by coming here to learn abt. yourself and about addiction.

Please keep posting, sharing -because we learn from one another

hello-kitty

Sad but true. It happens often. I remember visiting my ex in prison, and a mother was in visiting her son. She looked awful. My ex told me that they were both meth addicts and lived and used together. The kid did not have a chance.

At least he is your ex and not your current husband....

hope213

it happens. they are addicts & i do not trust any of them or put anything pass them. maybe as you all have your family meetings it can be revealed & talked about. does your ex still use? thewre is alot of support here for you. welcome to S.R. & keep coming back.

MtnGirl65

Hope213, yes my ex still uses. The day before my son was to leave for rehab, i had to get him out of jail so we could take our son to the airport to leave for Mississippi. Due to these circumstances, the ex has committed to rehab and should be leaving soon. Like trace1010 said, this is a mother's worst nightmare. I have received so much support on this website. Thanks to everyone. I felt so ashamed that I gave my sons such a father. They didn't pick him....I did. Thank you for the support!

cece1960

I'm sorry this has complicated a very difficult time.
I have to say that given the current news I do not think your ex belongs at the family sessions. He's a patient in waiting himself, and can offer little to your son other than a deflection of blame (and most if our addicts would take advantage of that in a second)
If he must go, let your son deal with the facts. You're there to learn and grow yourself, and you'll need to stay focused on just that.
Prayers that he both your son and your ex find thier own paths to peace.

wooforever

Mtngirl65,

If it bothering you about your Ex getting high with your son, then you need to ask why? I have an XAH that use to get high with his girlfriends kids and girlfriend right there. The kids were only 12 and 16.

I do not get it I am a recovering addict and I would never do that with my kids. My kids did not know that I was even using drugs until I told them I had to quit and that was years ago.

SHELLY1

Hi MTNGIRL I have hours days weeks and unfortunately a few years on this forum I have an addicted off and on husband who became addicted to crack after 15 years of a completely clean sober totally normal american family not even two years after I had found out and tried to keep my kids in a stable normal life with or without his addiction my daughter who was 16 at time started acting out and from there it went downhill I put up with a ton of heartbreak since. My daughter is now 21 been diagnosed with bipolar drug addiction she had criminal records now and several rehabs but her father still uses and has been fortunate or unfortunate depending on how you look at it to keep skating clear of anything I just found out that about 2 months ago that he and his daughter had gone out together and used and that they seem to run in the same crowd i was also furious I made the mistake of beliving that the man who i once loved could never do something like that with his own child and I never believed he would have stooped to that level. I am so sorry for you because I know how you feel I keep trying to put it to back of my mind because the more i think about it the more furious i get and the more physically sick i get . I have read and read and read these posts for 5 years now and can't believe how all of the things I read in 2003 and thought ok he is smoking crack but he just started he is a good man he can stop he wont get as bad as all of these peoples spouses kids BOY WAS I WRONG

MtnGirl65

every story means so much to me. thanks for sharing.

rahsue

At first glance I was thinking, You're not going to be able to go to the meeting without killing him then I thought it's a councelling meeting, ha, make sure you look him right in the eye and bring it up in the sweetest ever so caring voice you possibly can. that oughta get his goat!!!!!

And as far as the most dysfunctional thing, wait til you hear some of the stories on our site here, it'll curl your toes. You're never alone when it comes to these things, hang in there.

Done_With_It

MtnGrl,

I had a week called "Family Week" in my ED (eating disorder) treatment, it was the MOST INTENSE week I have EVER gone through in my entire life.
We are a family of secrets, and secrets keep you sick. We didn't talk about stuff that happened, and it all came out.
My rents separated when I was young, and they hated each other, and bringing them together for this was enough alone to send me into anxiety attacks, let alone everything else. The only way I would tell some of the things I did was the way your son did to my Mom, in bits and pieces, it was supposed to be in one session, in front of everyone, that's how they did it, but I refused to do that to her, so they compromised with me.

My biggest fear was her hating my Dad. So I can tell you no matter what your X did wrong, no matter how bad You think it was, jmo, try and find a way to deal with it.
Without your son anyway. That was the hardest part for me, I was afraid of telling both of my parents things because I didn't want them to fight anymore.
I think when your parents fight it changes who you are inside, I still alter my actions, behavior and the way I am when I talk to my parents on the phone because I don't want them to deepen their hatred for each other.
For a while they were good about that, the place I was at got through to them how much it affected me and no matter what the other one did and how bad it seemed to 'the other parent' it affected me more.
lol, then they forgot and their fighting started right back up.
I'm not sure if you already went or not, but if not...
Maybe think of it as your not there to kill him, control him, fix him, or give out punishments for his crimes.
Just their to help your son, and the Best way to help your son, is not to fight with
his Dad, what happened happened...
How to deal with it, is the best course of action that will help him now.
I didn't want my parents to yell about what happened in the past,
yes.. things they did, were direct reasons I chose to starve myself... etc..
But I just wanted to move forward......

JMO...
((((....))))

bsfish

I just went through a family week also. I agree, it was the most intense, eye opening experience for me. Very worthwhile. Be there for you and your son, and hope the ex gets something out of it.

Where my AW is, they don't put the faimily members in with thier addicts, only other addicts. That was really good, parents, spouses ect telling addicts what family feels, and the family getting some understanding from other addicts. No pre existing mental blocks with family. In my group, a similar situation to yours came up. After two days, the person in your ex's shoes didn't come back, but the other got a lot out of it, mainly starting to learn that none of it was thier her fault.

Good luck to you and your son. By being here your are way ahead of where I was.

Jen

My EXAH used with his son (my stepson at the time). I was absolutely furious with him too. I told my exah I would probably go to jail because I think I'd kill him if he EVER tried that *** with my two sons. It's absolutely unexcusable...in my eyes. I do everything in my power to instill good values and good and bad choices to my boys (now 7 & 8). It scares me to death knowing their father is a crack addict and they, too, could someday follow in his footsteps.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Please know I'll keep you in my prayers. Just do what feels right for you at your family meeting.

(((HUGS)))


Jen

MtnGirl65

I don't go to family counseling week until May 19th. This has helped prepare me for it. I do not want to fight with my XAH in front of our son. That is why I needed so badly to vent here. This has helped so much. I will post and let everyone know how the counseling goes. Thanks!!