At the end of the road?!?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: ohio
Posts: 9
At the end of the road?!?!
okay.. so I am new here. This is my story. I have been married to my husband for 5 years. We have 2 children, a daughter 5 , and a son 1. I have been with my husband for 7 years. I am 24, he will be 28 next month.. My husbands problem began about 5 yrs. ago. he was involved in an ATV accident.. It started with a prescription for vicodin, then more , then more. Then the vicodin wasn't helping his pain anymore.. (The only thing he injured in this accident was a broken collarbone) then he had " back pain " and "headaches".. So then came vicodin es, percocet, morphine, oxycontin, xanax,methdaone. He spun out of control. It became apparent that he was buying things off the street, along with taking these scripts written for him. He would go days without seeing our daughter, when he came home we were asleep.. When we got up he was already gone.. and on and on this went. He has been able to hold a stable job through all of this.He eventually went through a treatment center in 06/05. He was clean for 11 months when he went to his Dr, and said " I am having these headaches, what is safe for me to take? His Dr. placed him on tramadol. ( my husband was treated for opiate dependancy ) Tramadol is an opiate dervivative.He has been getting 100 tramadol pills every 12 days for 2 years straight. He of course always denied this to me. Although he was clearly taking them as he was doing the lying, sneaking behaviors he did when he was using heavily.Sept 07 my husband had a seizure at work, he was in ICU for 5 days... This was due to abuse of tramadol. I went to his Dr. and begged and pleaded No MORE!! He vowed that he would no longer write this for him.. again came the behaviors. Lying, sneaking, now he was actually taking things from our home and trading them for drugs, or money for drugs..forgeing checks from my checking acct...again i have found rx bottles for tramadol. filled on 3/24 for 100 pills. 4/4 for 100 pills. 4/8 for 100 pills. He is pharmacy hopping now also.He in a desperate attempt brought me the bottle from the pharmacy that was filled on 4/20. And stated " I went and picked this up and I want you to know that I am done, and I want you to flush them." when i opened the bottle to count them.. He had taken the tramadol out and replaced it with 100, 81mg asprin.. I know this because I am a nurse..He of course vows that, he didnt do that.. And that was what was in the bottle when he picked it up. Of course this isn't true, but there is no arguing with him about this.. I find straws above my window seals, in his glove box. He is obviously snorting them. He truly is very sick, at this point I feel that my children and I are no longer safe..I am scared and not sure what to do at this point. He is not admitting that he has a problem, although, clearly there is a HUGE problem. and i know that i cant make him get help. I have been fighting this battle with him for 5 years. I think I am to the point where there is not much fight left in me. His family close their eyes and ignore the problem, I have no support in this from them.. I hate it that I know he is truly very sick. It is hard to walk away from him. I need to do whats best for my kids. Would I be a terrible person to leave, and quit fighting for him? At the same time, is it fair for my two beautiful children to live this life?.. i need guidance and support from someone who had been there... Please.. and thank you for listening......
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Kate))
First of all, Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for your circumstances but I'm glad that you are here.
"Would I be a terrible person to leave, and quit fighting for him?"
No, you would not be a terrible person, in fact, you would be the person in the relationship that is doing the responsible thing for your kids and for yourself and believe it or not, for him.
When I accepted the fact that I was co-dependent, I was very suprised to find out that by me preventing my husband from falling and suffering his own consequences, I was hurting him more. I was holding on to him for dear life, thinking I could save him, or help save him and that prevented him from ever hitting that bottom that he needed to hit so that he could get better.
There is so very much to learn about being co-dependent. Read, Read and then Read some more. Knowledge brings the power to change.
Seperating yourself and your kids from this situation is hard, and it hurts, but in my opinion, sometimes a necessity.
Work on the only thing that you can. Yourself and your kids. Be safe and be happy, then go from there.
Hugs and Prayers
B
First of all, Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for your circumstances but I'm glad that you are here.
"Would I be a terrible person to leave, and quit fighting for him?"
No, you would not be a terrible person, in fact, you would be the person in the relationship that is doing the responsible thing for your kids and for yourself and believe it or not, for him.
When I accepted the fact that I was co-dependent, I was very suprised to find out that by me preventing my husband from falling and suffering his own consequences, I was hurting him more. I was holding on to him for dear life, thinking I could save him, or help save him and that prevented him from ever hitting that bottom that he needed to hit so that he could get better.
There is so very much to learn about being co-dependent. Read, Read and then Read some more. Knowledge brings the power to change.
Seperating yourself and your kids from this situation is hard, and it hurts, but in my opinion, sometimes a necessity.
Work on the only thing that you can. Yourself and your kids. Be safe and be happy, then go from there.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I second what FD has said above. I wouldn't hesitate at this point to make a plan for you and your children to get out of this environment and turn your husband's situation over to him and him alone. I would also recommend reading up on codependency and how YOU have been affected by this relationship. I'm so glad you've decided to share and ask for help here. Welcome, kate1234.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I need to do whats best for my kids. Would I be a terrible person to leave, and quit fighting for him? At the same time, is it fair for my two beautiful children to live this life?
Welcome, I'm glad you found this site where you will get wonderful support from people who have been there.
No, no, no taking care of yourself and your babies and making sure your husband faces the consequences of his use is NOT being a terrible person. In fact, I believe it is the most loving thing you can do for all involved. If you were on an airplane in trouble, you would be instructed to put the oxygen mask on yourself before trying to assist anyone else, right? So it is with addiction - a horrible family disease...We have to help oursleves and in doing so, that too can help others.
Your husband as you know, must want recovery for himself. Unfortunatley what tends to happen...I know it did with me, was that the more I focused on my loved one's use, the sicker I became and the more I helped protect my daughter from the consequences of her use. That made it easier for her to continue using. My begging and snooping and tears and making myself sick didn't make her want to stop...It made her want to tune me out and the easiest way to do that was with drugs.
I hope you will keep reading and posting and please, if you can, find an Alanon or Naranon meeting. I found the face to face support amazing and really helpful in keeping me focused on me. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Welcome, dear one. I see a lot of my own situation in yours. I also have learned (through reading and coming here) that the denial he gives you probably comes from shame and a place deep inside him that knows all the terrible things that he is doing.
My suggestions are probably fairly shallow. I'd change bank accounts. Lock up my checks. Sleep with the keys. Start to take anything valuable and hide it, lock it away, keep it in a storage unit, in a safe deposit box. The damage he can do to your finanaces, your credit and your security are innumerable.
I also see the family denial as well, quite often. If his family saw you leaving, they wouldn't be ignoring it anymore, would they?
Have you tried contacting a professional invertentionist? Sometimes, they can come up with some really strong ideas on how to deal with this and how to deal with a family that is closing their eyes.
You would not be a terrible person if you left. You would be a good mom and a responsible human being. It sounds cold and clinical and lacks the warm fuzzies that some look for, but it's the God's honest truth.
As many people have said, sometimes you just have to let them fall and you can't be anywhere near them when they do or they'll drag you down with them (without so much as a second thought.)
:ghug
My suggestions are probably fairly shallow. I'd change bank accounts. Lock up my checks. Sleep with the keys. Start to take anything valuable and hide it, lock it away, keep it in a storage unit, in a safe deposit box. The damage he can do to your finanaces, your credit and your security are innumerable.
I also see the family denial as well, quite often. If his family saw you leaving, they wouldn't be ignoring it anymore, would they?
Have you tried contacting a professional invertentionist? Sometimes, they can come up with some really strong ideas on how to deal with this and how to deal with a family that is closing their eyes.
You would not be a terrible person if you left. You would be a good mom and a responsible human being. It sounds cold and clinical and lacks the warm fuzzies that some look for, but it's the God's honest truth.
As many people have said, sometimes you just have to let them fall and you can't be anywhere near them when they do or they'll drag you down with them (without so much as a second thought.)
:ghug
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Take care of yourself and your children first.
No matter what you do or don't do, your AH will continue to use untill he is ready to get sober.
I would open up another bank account and stash as much money as I could into it. I have done this and I get all my bank statements and such sent to my work. I even keep the checks and bank card at my work. My AH has no idea it exists.
While he has never withdrawn money from our joint account before to buy drugs, I feel that the risk is there. He is a waiter and he gets paid in tips so I'm sure he holds back some of his earnings to buy drugs with. My fear is always coming up short at the end of the month so I have this secret account to fall back on if that ever happens. Plus if I ever feel the need to get out of our marriage, I will have that money there to help me financially.
No matter what you do or don't do, your AH will continue to use untill he is ready to get sober.
I would open up another bank account and stash as much money as I could into it. I have done this and I get all my bank statements and such sent to my work. I even keep the checks and bank card at my work. My AH has no idea it exists.
While he has never withdrawn money from our joint account before to buy drugs, I feel that the risk is there. He is a waiter and he gets paid in tips so I'm sure he holds back some of his earnings to buy drugs with. My fear is always coming up short at the end of the month so I have this secret account to fall back on if that ever happens. Plus if I ever feel the need to get out of our marriage, I will have that money there to help me financially.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((Kate))))))))
Sending you prayers for strength.
To do what's best for yourself and your children.
I'm sorry for your pain.
Keep coming back. Your in good company.
Sending you prayers for strength.
To do what's best for yourself and your children.
I'm sorry for your pain.
Keep coming back. Your in good company.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Been there, done that, got that t-shirt. My oldest daughter lived in that kind of insanity for 5 years (ages 3-8).
It had a profound affect on her life.
Today, at age 30, she is an active addict/alcoholic.
I wasn't strong enough to leave sooner. I had my own addictions I was battling too.
Believe me, if you don't put yourself and those children first, you will have regrets the rest of your life.
It had a profound affect on her life.
Today, at age 30, she is an active addict/alcoholic.
I wasn't strong enough to leave sooner. I had my own addictions I was battling too.
Believe me, if you don't put yourself and those children first, you will have regrets the rest of your life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Welcome. Good advice already written.....keep reading and sharing. This is a great place.
At the end of the road?!?!
Only you will know when you are truly ready, but in the meantime, do things to help make yourself healthier and stronger (things mentioned already in other posts). I'm sorry you are in the middle of such confusion and craziness....addiction. You can't end it for him, but you can for yourself and your children.
(((hugs)))
At the end of the road?!?!
Only you will know when you are truly ready, but in the meantime, do things to help make yourself healthier and stronger (things mentioned already in other posts). I'm sorry you are in the middle of such confusion and craziness....addiction. You can't end it for him, but you can for yourself and your children.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by kate1323 
I need to do whats best for my kids. Would I be a terrible person to leave, and quit fighting for him? At the same time, is it fair for my two beautiful children to live this life?.. i need guidance and support from someone who had been there... Please.. and thank you for listening......
Take care of your self and your children.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Eastern, KY
Posts: 17
My son is in rehab/recovery now for tramadol addiction. Just a FYI, but the experts tell me that most people do not snort tramadol--you said that you found a straw. Many people don't realize that tramadol (generic) or Ultram (brand) are very addictive. There is hope and recovery from this addiction too. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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