CatsPajamas

I have found a place where I am still ~ apparently ~ incredibly and outrageously codependent : in a restaurant!

Norm ( you know, my 'normal' BF) and I went out to eat tonight.We sat at the bar because the wait was going to be too dang long to get a table. We each ordered a drink, and then a meal. His burger came out all wrong. He ordered it with mushrooms and onions and other stuff on it, and it came out totally plain - just a piece of meat and a bun! They brought out my steak and potato at the same time. Norm sent his burger back since it was wrong.... and we waited... and waited. Finally someone came by and I said we were still waiting and now my food was cold. They took my steak and potato back and said I would get new and fresh food when his was ready. And it took a really long time for it to come. Ultimately the manager came by and apologized and said he would pay for our meal. When we were ready to leave, it took them at least 15 minutes to come by and get the credit card to run the payment for the drinks we had.

LONG story short - I guess I still accept unacceptable behavior from restaurants. I found myself making excuses for the waitstaff as well as the cooks... Oh, they must be really busy... those things happen... The manager came by and Norm told him what was going on, and there I was saying "oh its fine, it's not a big deal" and Norm was saying yes it IS a big deal.

ME. Ms. CatsPajamas whose very signature line says What Other People Think of Me is Really None of My Business - well there I was, all worried about those poor restaurant people who were obviously having a fit.

It's been a humbling and frustrating evening. Made for some lively dialogue between Norm and myself. I've had to stop myself TWICE from going back to the restaurant to apologize... and there is nothing to apologize for.

Sigh. Back to Step One. I admitted I was powerless ...

ZombieWife

I can be the same way in restaurants and I think that's because I used to work in one and I know how busy it can get. THAT SAID, I can't imagine making someone wait that long! I'm sorry you had to sit through that. Bleh!

BayAreaPhoenix

Cats! Good to know, even after TONS of work we can still slip.

Progress not perfection!!!!

You shine where it counts!

Thanks for the chuckle, glad you finally got your food and got out of there!

Chino

If my husband were to read this he'd ask how come I can't be more like you! I'm the exact opposite and almost every single darn time we go out to eat, something goes wrong with my dinner. He cringes when it happens, he knows I'm going to say something and the manger will show up. He and I both worked in restaurants back in the day (he was in the kitchen and I was out front) and we have different perceptions of what's acceptable.

Something I learned from your post is that my husband is co-dependent! I never realized it until now and I just told myself I will not try to fix him... I will not try to fix him... I will not try to fix him. Maybe if I type it out a hundred times I won't start in on him

frankly

Cats - set your bounderies and detach with love. Yes, you even have to have bounderies with restraunts. There is acceptable and non-acceptable service. There is some room for being a little slow or occasionally a messed up order, but if you don't step up and require your order be correct and warm and timely, then how the heck is that cook or waitress or manager going to learn from their mistakes?

More importantly, why would you still feel the desire to go back and apologize to them? Could you be "taking on" other peoples problems and carrying them yourself? Or do you really just hate confrontation.

Your restraunt trip can give you huge insights as to what is going on with you and what you deserve. I think it's kind of cool that you recognize that deep inside a codie still resides and has to be delt with every day. One day at a time.

On the other hand, sometimes, we have had so much confrontation and stress in our lives, that we would rather just avoid any hint of anything that reminds us of that stress. Just letting it go, and moving on. Even at our own expense.

Only you can analize what that trip really means about your recovery. It would actually be pretty interesting to know how most codies would handle it.

Me, I send food that is wrong back. I've been known to stand up and walk out, after letting the manager know in a very nice polite way, why. I don't get nasty about it, I just don't take it. Lately, though, I have let little things slide, it just wasn't worth me stressing over any more.

B

peaceteach

I definitely hate confrontation, and will not complain when it is something I can "deal" with anyway. But I still find myself championing whatever for someone else. I guess that is weird. Thanks for making me think today, Cats!

Lobo

I'm with Chino.....I get so frustrated when people don't do their job. Sometimes I feel like I have been disrespected so much that I take it personally and it angers me. I have a tendency to give my all when I am doing a service for someone and I expect the same in return. Ooops, there go those expectations again. I hate when that happens.

Gee, I was just thinking how things would have turned out if I was the one dining with Norm.

greeteachday

Hmmmm...Interesting post and responses. It's got me thinking (always dangerous, lol) I think sometimes these days I "choose my battles." I know there are times when I accept things I shouldn't, particularly when it comes to service, because it just doesn't matter much to me. So it becomes like teflon and I'd rather laugh about it. But there are other times when I do find it unacceptable. In those situations, what I find myself focusing on is my reaction...The old say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. Because if I get all self righteous or pissy or whiny, then I DO feel bad about me, rather than someone elses unacceptable action or behavior. I have become the unacceptable behavior. But if I express myself and then don't act like a jerk or let it ruin my evening and accept the apology, then I think my reaction is acceptable too.

I've felt uncomfortable far too many times when I see someone acting out because he or she did not like service and I must confess, i tend to judge that person moreso than the service. I think sometimes I let it go because I'm not sure I won't become that whiner so I don't want to go there. Not just because of what others may think of me, but what i think later of myself. That's okay with me, as long as I don't simmer inside or carry around resentment afterwards.

It sounds like you and Norm are much further along in the process. You let your concerns be known (even if you did make excuses for them Cat) but didn't make a big stink that ruined things for everyone. I think where I am now is taking advantage of the times when my immediate emotions don't make me concerned that I will react rather than act, and I am finding that when I use the tools I am learning across the board, the results are terrific. I CAN make it known what isn't acceptable without being a whiny witch...Not always, but more than before. And in other things I have discovered I CAN also simply radiate a sense of wellbeing and love and when I do that I am absolutely astounded by the good feelings it generates back ten fold. (I know that part is totally off topic, but it is just one of those joys of recovery that I still am amazed about!)

Thanks Cat - great thread, as always!!

cece

Practice these principles in all our affairs. . .
aint that the truth?
So many times I find myself using my Al-anon tools in other areas of my life. And I am usually proud of that fact, especially when it works!

The hard times fall when I hit an area of challenge for me, and confrontation is one of them.
I either avoid it completely and the seethe inside but act like nothing is bothering me outside: Ms. easygoing/peacemaker.
Or, I bring out the big guns: self-righteousness and indignation and the person knows pretty quickly that I feel wronged and they better do something about it!

so I am always trying to work on the balance of my reactions and finding the trigger that sets either reaction: doormat or gunner!
funny thoughts this AM. I enjoyed them Cats.
Cathy

Ann

Oh my, I'm a codie the other way in restaurants...I am a people pleaser regarding staff. My friend Myra ALWAYS returns something...not justified returns like you and Norm did (I LOVE that name, LOL) and I will not take her to any of "my" regular restaurants. Codie me gets embarassed, haha.

You and Norm did the right thing. It's just always easier for "Normies" than for us.

Glad you posted this, I've been a closet restaurant codie for far too long

Hugs

CatsPajamas

I spent too much time over analyzing this when we got home last night. I worked in restaurants all thru high school and college, so I know what it's like. I also know that people come in expecting a certain quality of food and service - that's what they are paying for!

What surprised me is the strength of my reactions: I didn't want the confrontation, I just wanted a nice dinner out. I didn't want the waitstaff to be angry ( and maybe spit in the food? yuk) I didn't want them to think we were those people who always complain and always get a free meal. BUT I know better than to be in someone else's head! I gave up being a mind-reader years ago.

Thanks for your responses. It's helping me to process this and get a laugh or two!

Chino

It's the difference between assertive and aggressive. Assertive people get what they want with minimal fuss and aggressive people make everyone around them extremely uncomfortable.

rahsue

I have decided that sometimes its not codependency but just making things smoother. Who wants drama, "so what' and "oh well" are my new moto's.

CatsPajamas

I agree, except I don't want to do that at the expense of my boundaries. I don't want to make excuses and therefore accept unacceptable behavior. SO - I find my self in that middle place where it's a bit murky and unclear. If I figure it out, I'll let you know. If you figure it out first, please share!! LOL