Am I overreacting or could my hubby be an alcoholic??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 9
Am I overreacting or could my hubby be an alcoholic??
Hello Everyone!!!....I am in need for advise!!! I am a daughter of an alcoholic mother and have lived through some of the hardest times a child could go through!!! My whole life I worried that I would follow in her footsteps and luckily I have made good choices and have avoided alcohol.
Well about 6 months ago my husband started drinking.....he started 2-3 beers a week and has since increased where he'd finish a 18 pack in a couple days. Well I put my foot down and have told him no more drinking. On Saturday he went to the gas station and took awhile....We were about to eat and he said...I'm not hungry well I got suspicious and went to the car and found a balled up paper bag like the kind they put a can of beer in....so I looked around and found a 3/2 empty can of beer and it was ice cold!!! So I told him where did this come from and he said I dunno....I found a receipt for 6.50 ish and he told me he bought 2 pks of cigarettes that I couldn't find!!!
Well today I was going to school and my computer wasn't working so I was running late and my hubby was rushing me out the door (he had to work) I told him it's okay if I am late and I was getting my kids bag ready for the sitter and I go to the freezer and find a beer and I asked him why is this in here....drinking beer right before work???....He said oh it's been in there....and I know it hasn't!!! Well I was upset because after the weekend fiasco he said no more drinking....and he told me I am not going to drink it then. Well I leave and come home...he just called telling me he threw the beer out??? ummm......sure!!! He wont admit anything and says I am making things worse?? He was into gambling to and I consider him a gambling addict....
I am having a really hard time because I see some signs that remind me of my mom and I am so scared that I am going to loose him!!! I don't think I have the strenght to stand by him!!! It is soo difficult to see someone I tried so hard not to be in him!!! I am scared and confused??
Well about 6 months ago my husband started drinking.....he started 2-3 beers a week and has since increased where he'd finish a 18 pack in a couple days. Well I put my foot down and have told him no more drinking. On Saturday he went to the gas station and took awhile....We were about to eat and he said...I'm not hungry well I got suspicious and went to the car and found a balled up paper bag like the kind they put a can of beer in....so I looked around and found a 3/2 empty can of beer and it was ice cold!!! So I told him where did this come from and he said I dunno....I found a receipt for 6.50 ish and he told me he bought 2 pks of cigarettes that I couldn't find!!!
Well today I was going to school and my computer wasn't working so I was running late and my hubby was rushing me out the door (he had to work) I told him it's okay if I am late and I was getting my kids bag ready for the sitter and I go to the freezer and find a beer and I asked him why is this in here....drinking beer right before work???....He said oh it's been in there....and I know it hasn't!!! Well I was upset because after the weekend fiasco he said no more drinking....and he told me I am not going to drink it then. Well I leave and come home...he just called telling me he threw the beer out??? ummm......sure!!! He wont admit anything and says I am making things worse?? He was into gambling to and I consider him a gambling addict....
I am having a really hard time because I see some signs that remind me of my mom and I am so scared that I am going to loose him!!! I don't think I have the strenght to stand by him!!! It is soo difficult to see someone I tried so hard not to be in him!!! I am scared and confused??
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Hello Meg
Welcome to SR.
I understand the scared and confused but know this...
Your not alone and there are answers available.
As a start, you could look over the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located above the blue line. You may find some helpful info in them.
As people show up, they will leave posts of support and their experiences of what has worked for them. Answers will come and solutions will be found.
Welcome to SR.
I understand the scared and confused but know this...
Your not alone and there are answers available.
As a start, you could look over the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located above the blue line. You may find some helpful info in them.
As people show up, they will leave posts of support and their experiences of what has worked for them. Answers will come and solutions will be found.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Usually what we see and our instincts are accurate.
Alcoholics cover up, rationalize and deny, as you know from experience.
Sorry that alcoholism is once again a part of your life.
On an unconscious level you have chosen what you know.
Just catching your husband in the act of his addiction won't change anything except to increase your fear and anger.
Take some time to figure out what your best actions will be.
Alcoholics cover up, rationalize and deny, as you know from experience.
Sorry that alcoholism is once again a part of your life.
On an unconscious level you have chosen what you know.
Just catching your husband in the act of his addiction won't change anything except to increase your fear and anger.
Take some time to figure out what your best actions will be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 9
I just don't know if I am over reacting because of my past history...he never was abusive or got drunk...just buzzed?? I cannot seperate my feeling of my past and how I feel today?? I have not felt this way since being married and it could be because he just started drinking???
And I am unsure if he is hiding it from me because I am making a big deal and he knows my past actually has seen my moms issues first hand as well??
And I am unsure if he is hiding it from me because I am making a big deal and he knows my past actually has seen my moms issues first hand as well??
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Meg, first let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a great place, with folks just like you, who have been where you are now, or in many instances are where you are now.
We work together to find solutions.
Now that being said, let me say that I grew up with an alcoholic father and a codie mother and not only did I become a 'raging' alkie I married two of them. It seems to me that I was wired to do that, and something in me, just was 'drawn' to the alkie. Hell to this day I am still attracted to alkies, only now most of them are sober, rofl.
I got sober in June of '81 and on my 3rd birthday my AA sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY. Well, having become willing to listen and most times follow directions, lmao, I did as she said.
It was the best step I ever made for myself. Alanon helped me so much to understand the 12 steps better than I had ever understood them in AA and helped me to make some very interesting discoveries about myself and how I used to interact with people and how I interact with others today.
Please, find some Alanon meetings and go. You won't regret it. One of the first things I learned was the 3 C's:
I didn't CAUSE it,
I can't CONTROL it, and
I can't CURE it.
"It" being whatever the problem of the moment is, especially addiction.
Is there such a thing as "an Alcoholic or Addictive personality?" I can't prove it, but I am inclined to think there is, and THAT is what this gal has been drawn to her whole life, go figure.
AA helped me to achieve sobriety, Alanon has helped me and continues to help me continue my sobriety and how I interact with others, be they alcoholic/addict or not.
It won't hurt you to try some meetings, talk with the folks locally b4 and after the meetings, get some phone numbers, continue to post here and see what happens.
Is your hubby an alkie? I don't know, you don't know, but OBVIOUSLY there is a problem as alcohol is affecting YOU. Also you say you believe he has a 'gambling' problem also. Maybe, maybe not. I thought I might have one also after I got sober, after all I was '86'd out of Aquasga Nugget in Spark's NV. Went back there for an AA convention and came to find out, nope gambling wasn't the problem, it had been alcohol....................you see I could drink for free while gambling, sheesh my warped rationalizations still make me laugh.
Alanon will help you, as will we, to figure out what your boundaries are, and how to stick with those boundaries. If in fact your hubby does already have a problem with alcohol and is possibly heading for full blown addiction, only he himself can fix it. There is not one thing you can do that will make him stop. He is in denial. Cannot at this time see the Elephant in the middle of the room.
So then it comes back to you. What are you going to do for YOU to help you through this.
You grew up with alcoholism, but how much do you really know about it? go over to the AA and Alcoholism forums and read the "sticky's" at the top of the forum. Read the "stickys" at the top of this forum. Get a copy of Melodie Beattles "Co-dependant No More" and start reading. It is available on Amazon.com and in bookstores. When you finish reading it, READ IT AGAIN.
Most important for now............................Please keep posting, ranting, raving, screaming, crying, laughing, HERE and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
We work together to find solutions.
Now that being said, let me say that I grew up with an alcoholic father and a codie mother and not only did I become a 'raging' alkie I married two of them. It seems to me that I was wired to do that, and something in me, just was 'drawn' to the alkie. Hell to this day I am still attracted to alkies, only now most of them are sober, rofl.
I got sober in June of '81 and on my 3rd birthday my AA sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY. Well, having become willing to listen and most times follow directions, lmao, I did as she said.
It was the best step I ever made for myself. Alanon helped me so much to understand the 12 steps better than I had ever understood them in AA and helped me to make some very interesting discoveries about myself and how I used to interact with people and how I interact with others today.
Please, find some Alanon meetings and go. You won't regret it. One of the first things I learned was the 3 C's:
I didn't CAUSE it,
I can't CONTROL it, and
I can't CURE it.
"It" being whatever the problem of the moment is, especially addiction.
Is there such a thing as "an Alcoholic or Addictive personality?" I can't prove it, but I am inclined to think there is, and THAT is what this gal has been drawn to her whole life, go figure.
AA helped me to achieve sobriety, Alanon has helped me and continues to help me continue my sobriety and how I interact with others, be they alcoholic/addict or not.
It won't hurt you to try some meetings, talk with the folks locally b4 and after the meetings, get some phone numbers, continue to post here and see what happens.
Is your hubby an alkie? I don't know, you don't know, but OBVIOUSLY there is a problem as alcohol is affecting YOU. Also you say you believe he has a 'gambling' problem also. Maybe, maybe not. I thought I might have one also after I got sober, after all I was '86'd out of Aquasga Nugget in Spark's NV. Went back there for an AA convention and came to find out, nope gambling wasn't the problem, it had been alcohol....................you see I could drink for free while gambling, sheesh my warped rationalizations still make me laugh.
Alanon will help you, as will we, to figure out what your boundaries are, and how to stick with those boundaries. If in fact your hubby does already have a problem with alcohol and is possibly heading for full blown addiction, only he himself can fix it. There is not one thing you can do that will make him stop. He is in denial. Cannot at this time see the Elephant in the middle of the room.
So then it comes back to you. What are you going to do for YOU to help you through this.
You grew up with alcoholism, but how much do you really know about it? go over to the AA and Alcoholism forums and read the "sticky's" at the top of the forum. Read the "stickys" at the top of this forum. Get a copy of Melodie Beattles "Co-dependant No More" and start reading. It is available on Amazon.com and in bookstores. When you finish reading it, READ IT AGAIN.
Most important for now............................Please keep posting, ranting, raving, screaming, crying, laughing, HERE and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Johannesburg South Africa
Posts: 61
Welcome Meg,
Usually your gut feeling speaks the truth and why would he lie if he would not have a problem...
I am sorry to hear, it must be hard. Do you have access to support nearby? Can you perhaps get to an Alanon meeting?
You can't change him but you can make things better for yourself, look after yourself and set clear boundaries....and then perhaps he will start realising himself and acknowledge that he may have a problem....
Take care of yourself!
Usually your gut feeling speaks the truth and why would he lie if he would not have a problem...
I am sorry to hear, it must be hard. Do you have access to support nearby? Can you perhaps get to an Alanon meeting?
You can't change him but you can make things better for yourself, look after yourself and set clear boundaries....and then perhaps he will start realising himself and acknowledge that he may have a problem....
Take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
That's a tough one isn't it? I think your answer lies somewhere in the middle. H may not have a drinking problem for himself but because of you, he should be willing to work things out so that it's not bothersome to YOU. If he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, then it shouldn't be a big deal to cut back or do whatever it is that makes you feel safe. I think coming up with some boundaries and discussing them would be my first step. I wouldn't accuse him of being an alcoholic or anything. I think that would only serve to turn off his hearing, kwim? I would tell him you're scared because of what happened with your mom and that these are your boundaries.
I'm fairly new here myself, so for all the ol' pros - is this way off base? I guess my original reaction was not to assume that he's an alcoholic but that he might be hiding it a bit more so as to keep you from overreacting. But then again, why do it if he knows you'll get upset? Like I said...tough call. I think setting up boundaries that protect YOU is the only thing you can do. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on being an alcoholic, but he should respect you and your boundaries.
Shannon
I'm fairly new here myself, so for all the ol' pros - is this way off base? I guess my original reaction was not to assume that he's an alcoholic but that he might be hiding it a bit more so as to keep you from overreacting. But then again, why do it if he knows you'll get upset? Like I said...tough call. I think setting up boundaries that protect YOU is the only thing you can do. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on being an alcoholic, but he should respect you and your boundaries.
Shannon
If you are lost, stand still
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: James Island, SC
Posts: 159
Originally Posted by i4getsm 
I wouldn't accuse him of being an alcoholic or anything. I think that would only serve to turn off his hearing, kwim? I would tell him you're scared because of what happened with your mom and that these are your boundaries.
Shannon
Shannon
I know personally, I would have a big problem with a spouse ordering me to stop ANYTHING, from eating ice cream to drinking.
Make sure the next time you discuss the issue, that BOTH of you feel heard and validated.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 9
Thank you all for your responses!!! It really helps when I don't understand how I am feeling!!!
I don't know how I feel anymore about it being a problem....I feel better now that I talked to him about the way I was feeling and he understands how I feel and is going to drink less frequently. I have a sick feeling in my stomach and I think it has more to do with my mom's alcohol problem. I thought that I had moved on and coped with alcohol...if that makes sense. I don't know if I have the problem or him lol!!! Gosh....I guess you could say i am still confused!!! I feel like old feelings and emotions are coming up that I haven't felt since I was a kid?? This too shall pass right?? Thanks all!!!
I don't know how I feel anymore about it being a problem....I feel better now that I talked to him about the way I was feeling and he understands how I feel and is going to drink less frequently. I have a sick feeling in my stomach and I think it has more to do with my mom's alcohol problem. I thought that I had moved on and coped with alcohol...if that makes sense. I don't know if I have the problem or him lol!!! Gosh....I guess you could say i am still confused!!! I feel like old feelings and emotions are coming up that I haven't felt since I was a kid?? This too shall pass right?? Thanks all!!!
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
If he is an alcoholic or not isn't really the problem.
If his drinking is a problem for you...that is the problem.
Talking things over with him is the best thing you can do right now.
His choices after you both talk about it is something you can deal with as needed at that time.
You may want to have a look on this forum and read the "sticky" posts at the top above the blue line.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...holic-parents/
ACOA issues can be things we hide and don't deal with or even know we are bothered by them. Having had parents that drank heavy, I had a lot of issues to deal with over time. There are solutions.
If his drinking is a problem for you...that is the problem.
Talking things over with him is the best thing you can do right now.
His choices after you both talk about it is something you can deal with as needed at that time.
You may want to have a look on this forum and read the "sticky" posts at the top above the blue line.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...holic-parents/
ACOA issues can be things we hide and don't deal with or even know we are bothered by them. Having had parents that drank heavy, I had a lot of issues to deal with over time. There are solutions.
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