The tape is getting stuck
play the tape all the way thru
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
The tape is getting stuck
I found a place to rent and I'm moving out next week. It's a little out of my budget (well more of a lot out of my budget) but she was ok with my dog and didn't do a credit check, so I jumped on it.
I'm sorta worried that I didn't make the right choice because it's so far out of my budget and thats got me totally stressed.
I'm looking around the room and seem a little perplexed as to how I got to such a bad place with xabf. The memories are playing through and getting stuck. Him being absent here is just really sad and so depressing.
He just moved right along with his life as though it was no big deal. It just amazes me. He texted me on Monday on the way to his new job 6 hours away, and told me if we never talked again he wanted me to remember that he loves me and misses me; that I was the best thing to ever happen to him and I made him feel better than he's ever felt about himself and life...blah blah blah whatever.
I just have a lot on my plate and am freaking out and sitting here sobbing. It's a lot to take in at one time I suppose. Deep down inside I'm so scared to move on with my life.
Thanks for reading.
I'm sorta worried that I didn't make the right choice because it's so far out of my budget and thats got me totally stressed.
I'm looking around the room and seem a little perplexed as to how I got to such a bad place with xabf. The memories are playing through and getting stuck. Him being absent here is just really sad and so depressing.
He just moved right along with his life as though it was no big deal. It just amazes me. He texted me on Monday on the way to his new job 6 hours away, and told me if we never talked again he wanted me to remember that he loves me and misses me; that I was the best thing to ever happen to him and I made him feel better than he's ever felt about himself and life...blah blah blah whatever.
I just have a lot on my plate and am freaking out and sitting here sobbing. It's a lot to take in at one time I suppose. Deep down inside I'm so scared to move on with my life.
Thanks for reading.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You can and will move on. These scaredy-cat feelings will pass.
Fill your glass back up and see it as half-full. You are an amazing gal and will have exciting times again.
Can you advertise for a roommate to help with the rent.
Fill your glass back up and see it as half-full. You are an amazing gal and will have exciting times again.
Can you advertise for a roommate to help with the rent.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
(((lex)))
You can do it, Lex. It IS hard but you are worth the effort.
I think it's interesting that he left you a message and the comment that you made him feel better than he ever felt about himself is supposed to somehow be -- what? -- A REASON TO MISS HIM?
No, this would be a reason to RUN LIKE HELL.
But you already know that because you ARE taking steps to go forward and support yourself.
Seeker is right: these fears are big feelings that will pass. Then they will resurge, then then they will ebb, then they will come up again, then pass and so on.
It might be helpful to visualize a really HOT, sexy, fascinating man who is attractive to you BECAUSE he is honest, reliable, available, unselfish, productive and mature.
I'm not sure where we got the idea that a guy looks sexy when he's curled around a beer/bong/toilet bowl/ in dirty clothes and the phone ringing off the hook because the boss/mistress/bill collector is looking for him. Okay, to be fair to myself: I never thought those things were sexy or attractive. It's just that by the time it was all about that, it was too late and I was already sucked in and GOD FORBID I admit I made a mistake or was powerless to "fix" it.
Now I can admit that and don't want to try to be the fixer. Doesn't work. I just want sanity and serenity.
And that hot partner who is hot BECAUSE he's so great.
p.s. Regarding the overbudget apartment: is it possible to sign a 6-month or month-to-month lease? That might ease some of your stress.
You can do it, Lex. It IS hard but you are worth the effort.
I think it's interesting that he left you a message and the comment that you made him feel better than he ever felt about himself is supposed to somehow be -- what? -- A REASON TO MISS HIM?
No, this would be a reason to RUN LIKE HELL.
But you already know that because you ARE taking steps to go forward and support yourself.
Seeker is right: these fears are big feelings that will pass. Then they will resurge, then then they will ebb, then they will come up again, then pass and so on.
It might be helpful to visualize a really HOT, sexy, fascinating man who is attractive to you BECAUSE he is honest, reliable, available, unselfish, productive and mature.
I'm not sure where we got the idea that a guy looks sexy when he's curled around a beer/bong/toilet bowl/ in dirty clothes and the phone ringing off the hook because the boss/mistress/bill collector is looking for him. Okay, to be fair to myself: I never thought those things were sexy or attractive. It's just that by the time it was all about that, it was too late and I was already sucked in and GOD FORBID I admit I made a mistake or was powerless to "fix" it.
Now I can admit that and don't want to try to be the fixer. Doesn't work. I just want sanity and serenity.
And that hot partner who is hot BECAUSE he's so great.
p.s. Regarding the overbudget apartment: is it possible to sign a 6-month or month-to-month lease? That might ease some of your stress.
down the rabbit hole
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: near Boston, MA
Posts: 321
lexusgirl, I've read many of your posts and see you as such a strong person. you will make it through this! sometimes the best we can do is just put one foot in front of the other, and that's all. Don't push yourself too hard right now to be feeling "great" You're going through a huge upheaval and of course you are scared, worried, sad... Just keep moving forward, one tiny step at a time. Try to find even just 10 minutes today to do something nice for yourself, even if it's just a walk around the block or a hot bath. And if you need to cry - let yourself cry. This feeling won't last forever.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 48
Alice has a good point lex. You do sound strong and have come so far. Don't let this get you down. Take a run, eat some chocolate or drive around and sing while listening to loud music with the windows down... whatever it takes to release that upsetting feeling.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Ahhh...the lovely text message. Puhleese. If he really felt that way, then a decent person would have picked up the phone and called you to tell you AND he would setting things right so that he could be with you. The thing is you probably ARE the best thing to ever happen to him, but until he can see that (really see that), then it doesn't really matter does it? Take the compliment as it stands. You are a really good person. You DESERVE better than that. (((HUGS)))
Can you look for another apartment, or are you really locked in? I know when money is tight that makes things harder (one more thing to stress about). Maybe a roommate like PP mentioned would help?
Shannon
Can you look for another apartment, or are you really locked in? I know when money is tight that makes things harder (one more thing to stress about). Maybe a roommate like PP mentioned would help?
Shannon
play the tape all the way thru
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Thank you for the kind and thoughtful replies:ghug3
Regarding the lease-I already signed a year lease. But, I have been looking for a place with a little yard for my dogs, and my credit is less then superior, so this was perfect. The reason I took it, is because I know there isn't much out there as I've been looking for a place for almost two months. Most of what I could get with my budget are dives and really dirty.
This place has a little yard and is a duplex so no noisy neighbors. I may have to pick up a job serving/bartending part time.. (how appropriate) lol! I can make good tips that way. Plus I have school and will be attending in the summer.
I guess I'm dealing with WAY too much at the moment. Also dealing with some issues with my son and his A father, through the family courts which is very very stressful. So add that on and I'm a mess.
Funny thing about crying, I've been trying to avoid it, now this may sound funny and a bit ridiculous, but everytime I cry super hard I get a sinus infection LOL!! So trying to hold it all in, but thats not working so good.
i4get--You're are absolutely right on the money. I thought the same thing and still do. If he really felt that way he should put those actions into words in order to be with me.
Regarding the lease-I already signed a year lease. But, I have been looking for a place with a little yard for my dogs, and my credit is less then superior, so this was perfect. The reason I took it, is because I know there isn't much out there as I've been looking for a place for almost two months. Most of what I could get with my budget are dives and really dirty.
This place has a little yard and is a duplex so no noisy neighbors. I may have to pick up a job serving/bartending part time.. (how appropriate) lol! I can make good tips that way. Plus I have school and will be attending in the summer.
I guess I'm dealing with WAY too much at the moment. Also dealing with some issues with my son and his A father, through the family courts which is very very stressful. So add that on and I'm a mess.
Funny thing about crying, I've been trying to avoid it, now this may sound funny and a bit ridiculous, but everytime I cry super hard I get a sinus infection LOL!! So trying to hold it all in, but thats not working so good.
i4get--You're are absolutely right on the money. I thought the same thing and still do. If he really felt that way he should put those actions into words in order to be with me.
Last edited by lexusgirl; 04-26-2008 at 10:30 AM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Lexus--
"So add that on and I'm a mess."
I read this and I almost spit out my tea-- because I recognize that feeling and my God, woman, all these trials and struggles you are describing - AND family court!!! Hell yeah - you're "something" but it ain't "a mess!!!" You're more like Atlas!!
What you're describing really is A LOT to handle.
You would be a strange person indeed (or a drug addict) if you were not allowing yourself to feel this as: a A LOT to handle. There is no cure for it except to continue to go through it like you have - cross each bridge as it comes - you can't solve it all in an instant, but you ARE stronger than all these problems.
I find an Alanon meeting helps when I'm overwhelmed. Or a 2 sided list - one side is TO DO: like, make a budget, start packing boxes, file papers at courthouse, forget manipulative ex-boyfriend, buy shampoo, etc!! The other side is GRATITUDE: like, I'm sane, I'm strong, I am free in this moment, I'm single, I have a dollar in my pocket, I feel genuine love for myself and at least one other person today!! whatever!
To Do Lists help me let go and make a plan that I can stick to just for today. Even if I only do one thing on my to do list it helps me feel better immediately. Gratitude lists just slow me way down, help me setlle, and hopefully give me some perspective.
Sending you beams of strength and courage--
and a prayer!
((HUGS))
Peace,
B.
"So add that on and I'm a mess."
I read this and I almost spit out my tea-- because I recognize that feeling and my God, woman, all these trials and struggles you are describing - AND family court!!! Hell yeah - you're "something" but it ain't "a mess!!!" You're more like Atlas!!
What you're describing really is A LOT to handle.
You would be a strange person indeed (or a drug addict) if you were not allowing yourself to feel this as: a A LOT to handle. There is no cure for it except to continue to go through it like you have - cross each bridge as it comes - you can't solve it all in an instant, but you ARE stronger than all these problems.
I find an Alanon meeting helps when I'm overwhelmed. Or a 2 sided list - one side is TO DO: like, make a budget, start packing boxes, file papers at courthouse, forget manipulative ex-boyfriend, buy shampoo, etc!! The other side is GRATITUDE: like, I'm sane, I'm strong, I am free in this moment, I'm single, I have a dollar in my pocket, I feel genuine love for myself and at least one other person today!! whatever!
To Do Lists help me let go and make a plan that I can stick to just for today. Even if I only do one thing on my to do list it helps me feel better immediately. Gratitude lists just slow me way down, help me setlle, and hopefully give me some perspective.
Sending you beams of strength and courage--
and a prayer!
((HUGS))
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
I know...
I still live in the same house that My ex and I lived. we were together for 13 years, lived here for about 6 years. He moved out three years ago. he moved a few streets away (yup!) with a new woman and they still live there. I am financially unable to relocate so I have to deal with the tape getting stuck all the time. It doesnt matter what color the walls are or what the furniture looks like here. I still feel hime here. Not as much but I still do sometimes. The point I'm getting at is You probably do need to leave there ASAP if you want to recover from this. I think If I had been able to move away from at least the house I would not still be stuck on track 1 then 2 then 1 again so on and so forth. You have to consider the dog, as you have and depending on what your skills are maybe you could make the extra money. It might be totally worth it to be eating Ramen Pride noodles for awhile (yuck). But think about it more in terms of the crap you have already gone through. i know I feel like a jerk cuz sometimes I dont even buy it but then someone will say something on here and it really changes things for me...for that minute, and trust me...this is a minute by minute thing for me. The other day I thought of something. I think it was sparked by something I read here. while making ramen pride noodles I got hit with this: when I met my XABF I didnt know him at all. We were young and crazy and didnt even know what love was. Although our realtionship was very rocky we really did learn and grow in some ways. nothing that a healthy realtionship would contain but it was what it was. we also "grew apart" as he told everyone at the. Yeah, we did grow apart, because of all his lies and drugs and booze and a secret mountain of lies in the form of broken crack pipes, balls of burnt chore boy and all kinds of creepy porn stuff,
I think of that every single solitary time I have to go in that nasty basement where he kept his "den of ill repute". I know I will shut up but I'm just sayin' I know it will be better in the end to get away from there no matter what you have to do (unless it's gross then you will have to find something else to do.
I think of that every single solitary time I have to go in that nasty basement where he kept his "den of ill repute". I know I will shut up but I'm just sayin' I know it will be better in the end to get away from there no matter what you have to do (unless it's gross then you will have to find something else to do.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
oh lex, 
It stinks, the thole thing just stinks. But, you are doing what you need to do for your life. I know here in Mass. it's tough like you said to find a place that will allow a dog. You'll be just fine. Keep playing that tape to the end though. Don't get stuck, don't listen to his manipulative text messages.
And what stuck out to me is you mentioned that he's just moved on and going on just fine....doubt it! I used to think that too but probably not the case. Not that we should care, lol but i created this whole wonderful life for J in my head but have since heard......he's the same
It stinks, the thole thing just stinks. But, you are doing what you need to do for your life. I know here in Mass. it's tough like you said to find a place that will allow a dog. You'll be just fine. Keep playing that tape to the end though. Don't get stuck, don't listen to his manipulative text messages.
And what stuck out to me is you mentioned that he's just moved on and going on just fine....doubt it! I used to think that too but probably not the case. Not that we should care, lol but i created this whole wonderful life for J in my head but have since heard......he's the same
play the tape all the way thru
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Bern--don't spit too much tea out! lol!!
Thanks Heather! Ya supposively he has a job that pays really good money.
He continues to text me usually it's on Friday and Saturday nights as I think he's really drunk. But some of the texts are really hard not to answer as I feel the need to defend myself, but then again I try to remember I'm dealing with an insane drunk.
On a better note, I called one of my friends I haven't talked to in forever, it was nice to laugh with her.
I also went to the mall and bought a few things. Made me feel a little better.
Thanks Heather! Ya supposively he has a job that pays really good money.
He continues to text me usually it's on Friday and Saturday nights as I think he's really drunk. But some of the texts are really hard not to answer as I feel the need to defend myself, but then again I try to remember I'm dealing with an insane drunk.
On a better note, I called one of my friends I haven't talked to in forever, it was nice to laugh with her.
I also went to the mall and bought a few things. Made me feel a little better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
I like what Bern said - you would probably be an A if you DIDN'T cry. You've got to get that stress out somewhere. It sounds to me like you have a plan in place to make it work, so I say go for it. I know your mind goes back to those good time moments. That's completely normal. It's easy to fantasize about things being better...it's making them a reality that's the hard part. As for XABF, his life is EXACTLY the same as it ever was...one drink after another. Can you imagine being stuck on that tape??? Complete chaos!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
Originally Posted by lexusgirl 
On a better note, I called one of my friends I haven't talked to in forever, it was nice to laugh with her. I also went to the mall and bought a few things. Made me feel a little better.
You are stronger than you imagine. I'm glad you reached out to your friend. Laughter always helps me. Here's praying that we both have lots more laughter in the future! I don't know about you but I'm sick of being sad and angry. I'll be glad when my AH doesn't have that power over me anymore.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by lexusgirl
But some of the texts are really hard not to answer as I feel the need to defend myself, but then again I try to remember I'm dealing with an insane drunk.
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