Advice from spouses needed...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 1
Advice from spouses needed...
I have been married 9 years to a wonderful man. We have a 8 year old son and tho we have had our ups and downs, there is always love and devotion.
My husband has always drank alot, but over the last year it had gotten out of control. He began drinking almost a 24 pack of beer every night. Throughout our marriage we have gone through drinking together, quiting together, me allowing his drinking to escalate without stopping, me trying to force him to stop....etc.
On April 5th he went sober. While he didn't have any outwardly apparent physical symptoms of the withdrawal, it has all been mental. He is now withdrawn, depressed, wild mood swings, and generally very unhappy. Fortunatley, he has continued to be a wonderful father to our son...but all his emotions directly effect me. He doesn't talk to me, acts like I am not even here, shows no affection to me...you see where this is leading.
This is a total 180 from his normal very loving personality. He has always treated my like a queen and now he treats me like crap. I am so hurt and angry right now...I won't give up my marriage to this disease.
I decided this morning that tonight is the night to lay it on the line. Neither of us can continue to live like this, but I am terrified that he will refuse to go to aa or counseling. I won't give him an ultimatum, but this will probably be the most important conversation I ever have with someone and I don't want to screw it up.
I want your stories and advice....I am desperate to do this right.
I haven't showed any emotions about this until I starting typing it out. I have no one in my family to talk to about this (they love gossip and will use it against us). Now that I have written it out, I realize how deeply this is killing me. Please help and thank you in advance.
My husband has always drank alot, but over the last year it had gotten out of control. He began drinking almost a 24 pack of beer every night. Throughout our marriage we have gone through drinking together, quiting together, me allowing his drinking to escalate without stopping, me trying to force him to stop....etc.
On April 5th he went sober. While he didn't have any outwardly apparent physical symptoms of the withdrawal, it has all been mental. He is now withdrawn, depressed, wild mood swings, and generally very unhappy. Fortunatley, he has continued to be a wonderful father to our son...but all his emotions directly effect me. He doesn't talk to me, acts like I am not even here, shows no affection to me...you see where this is leading.
This is a total 180 from his normal very loving personality. He has always treated my like a queen and now he treats me like crap. I am so hurt and angry right now...I won't give up my marriage to this disease.
I decided this morning that tonight is the night to lay it on the line. Neither of us can continue to live like this, but I am terrified that he will refuse to go to aa or counseling. I won't give him an ultimatum, but this will probably be the most important conversation I ever have with someone and I don't want to screw it up.
I want your stories and advice....I am desperate to do this right.
I haven't showed any emotions about this until I starting typing it out. I have no one in my family to talk to about this (they love gossip and will use it against us). Now that I have written it out, I realize how deeply this is killing me. Please help and thank you in advance.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
He began drinking almost a 24 pack of beer every night...Fortunatley, he has continued to be a wonderful father to our son.
I won't give up my marriage to this disease.
Alanon helped me see how convoluted my thinking had become by living with the daily effects of someone else's drinking. For most of the people on this forum, Alanon, counseling, and SR helped them break free from the insanity of life with an alcoholic.
I hope you'll stick around and learn and grow so you, too, can break free. Welcome to the forum.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by onelasttime 
Neither of us can continue to live like this, but I am terrified that he will refuse to go to aa or counseling.
Perhaps it is because you know, in your heart, that things are not going to get better unless your husband is spiritually and emotionally transformed. You are not happy with him as he is. You require something else.
That's okay. You are not selfish or weak or unloving. You are simply self-aware (which is more than I can say for him!).
It sounds like you are beginning to realize that you can't stay in this situation unless he takes some action. The terrifying part is that he may be unwilling to take that action, and you are absolutely powerless to force him to act.
Some addicts recover. They find new hope, new meaning, a new way to live.
It's possible, but you can't make it happen for him.
Prepare yourself for the possibility that he will choose not to recover.
Know that his decision does not reflect your worth.
You cannot live your life hoping that he will get his figured out.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
-TC
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Is your husband (or has he ever been) involved in AA?
If not, why not?
One thing that comes to mind (in addition to dry-drunk) is depression. Alcohol can cause depression and it can take up to two years for the brain to get its regular chemistry back.
I've struggled with depression both while using and after sobering up. I'm not sure which came first (drinking or depression). There's no way to know until alcohol has been removed from the equasion and has been absent for long enough for my brain to get back to normal. And I'm not there yet. I'm on antidepressants and they have helped me tremendously.
At the very least, I would start with AA and the 12 steps, and then go from there.
If not, why not?
One thing that comes to mind (in addition to dry-drunk) is depression. Alcohol can cause depression and it can take up to two years for the brain to get its regular chemistry back.
I've struggled with depression both while using and after sobering up. I'm not sure which came first (drinking or depression). There's no way to know until alcohol has been removed from the equasion and has been absent for long enough for my brain to get back to normal. And I'm not there yet. I'm on antidepressants and they have helped me tremendously.
At the very least, I would start with AA and the 12 steps, and then go from there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Onelasttime, Welcome to SR...glad you are here.
After being a lovely enabler and co-dependant to my ah for over 14 years, my "light bulb" finally turned on, and I decided to no longer be in the business of accepting unacceptable behavior....
We've been through it all.. He has said - "I'll cut back"...."only drink on weekends"...."only drink beer"..."only drink wine"...."only drink tequilla"..."only smoke pot"..."only a few drinks a night".......blah, blah, blah, blah.........
First of all, my ah has told me he will "never" quit drinking....okay....for now, I am choosing to stay in my marriage, but refuse to enable any longer.
So we had a serious talk, and I set boundaries (Would you believe I never knew about boundaries? I just let my ah walk all over me, again and again). I informed him of what behaviors I find no longer acceptable...and what I will do should he chose to overstep my boundaries.
I asked him not to drink in front of myself or children anymore (we have a 9yr. old and a 3yr. old). He did overstep this boundary out in the neighborhood one day. I did not say anything to him, I just got my children and went home. I did tell him later that he violated my boundary and he told me it would not happen again. So far it has not.
I also told him that if he drinks to the point of passing out/blacking out...that I will ask him to move out and I will file for legal separation. This not a blank threat. I know in my heart....if/when it does happen...I will not hesitate one day...I will contact a lawyer immediately and file...
He has agreed to marriage counseling, although he indicated he'd like to see a counselor on his own first. So...I'm still waiting for him to see a counselor on his own. I will not wait forever.
As far as what you will say to your husband tonight....I've found that the best thing for me has been to:
1. Let him know what I am doing in my recovery (I attend al-anon, see a therapist, post here on SR). He know about the 1st two, however, so far he knows nothing about SR and I'd like to keep it that way.
2. Let him know what is acceptable/not acceptable to me.
3. I would not tell him what he needs to do, or how he should do it (unless he asks for your advice). My ah can't stand to be told what to do, so I steer completely clear of this.
4. I would tell him how much I am hurting...and how much I love him.....
Remember....you are not the Cause of his drinking....you cannot Control his drinking...and you cannot Cure his drinking.
I'll be thinking of you and praying that your talk goes well this evening.
Shivaya
After being a lovely enabler and co-dependant to my ah for over 14 years, my "light bulb" finally turned on, and I decided to no longer be in the business of accepting unacceptable behavior....
We've been through it all.. He has said - "I'll cut back"...."only drink on weekends"...."only drink beer"..."only drink wine"...."only drink tequilla"..."only smoke pot"..."only a few drinks a night".......blah, blah, blah, blah.........
First of all, my ah has told me he will "never" quit drinking....okay....for now, I am choosing to stay in my marriage, but refuse to enable any longer.
So we had a serious talk, and I set boundaries (Would you believe I never knew about boundaries? I just let my ah walk all over me, again and again). I informed him of what behaviors I find no longer acceptable...and what I will do should he chose to overstep my boundaries.
I asked him not to drink in front of myself or children anymore (we have a 9yr. old and a 3yr. old). He did overstep this boundary out in the neighborhood one day. I did not say anything to him, I just got my children and went home. I did tell him later that he violated my boundary and he told me it would not happen again. So far it has not.
I also told him that if he drinks to the point of passing out/blacking out...that I will ask him to move out and I will file for legal separation. This not a blank threat. I know in my heart....if/when it does happen...I will not hesitate one day...I will contact a lawyer immediately and file...
He has agreed to marriage counseling, although he indicated he'd like to see a counselor on his own first. So...I'm still waiting for him to see a counselor on his own. I will not wait forever.
As far as what you will say to your husband tonight....I've found that the best thing for me has been to:
1. Let him know what I am doing in my recovery (I attend al-anon, see a therapist, post here on SR). He know about the 1st two, however, so far he knows nothing about SR and I'd like to keep it that way.
2. Let him know what is acceptable/not acceptable to me.
3. I would not tell him what he needs to do, or how he should do it (unless he asks for your advice). My ah can't stand to be told what to do, so I steer completely clear of this.
4. I would tell him how much I am hurting...and how much I love him.....
Remember....you are not the Cause of his drinking....you cannot Control his drinking...and you cannot Cure his drinking.
I'll be thinking of you and praying that your talk goes well this evening.
Shivaya
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Welcome
As mentioned before, adjusting to withdrawal from alcohol can take a heavy toll both physically and mentally on the alcoholic. While drinking, alcoholics do not think and act like rational people ....and for at least 6 months after stopping, their minds and bodies are adjusting to a very significant change. He may be feeling anger and resentment over the loss of his best friend, alcohol ... and he is directing that resentment towards you ... which is a very common situation with couples.
I was very disappointed when my AH first stopped drinking because of his mood swings and hateful attitude .... and it took him about a year to finally start acting like the sober guy I married. However, I don't think he would have made it to that second year unless he had the constant counseling from AA guiding him through the rough times. It would appear that your husband would benefit from guidence and counseling in his adjustment to sobriety.
As mentioned before, adjusting to withdrawal from alcohol can take a heavy toll both physically and mentally on the alcoholic. While drinking, alcoholics do not think and act like rational people ....and for at least 6 months after stopping, their minds and bodies are adjusting to a very significant change. He may be feeling anger and resentment over the loss of his best friend, alcohol ... and he is directing that resentment towards you ... which is a very common situation with couples.
I was very disappointed when my AH first stopped drinking because of his mood swings and hateful attitude .... and it took him about a year to finally start acting like the sober guy I married. However, I don't think he would have made it to that second year unless he had the constant counseling from AA guiding him through the rough times. It would appear that your husband would benefit from guidence and counseling in his adjustment to sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
There is a reason he picked up the first drink the first time. Maybe he needs some medication. I would imagine the mind and the body miss the alteration that alcohol provided. I would praise his success and approach the mood swings in a positive way.
"Hey, you seem depressed, I was thinking, can you imagine if all this time you have had a chemical imbalance?" Not drinking doesn't have to mean living miserably.
"Hey, you seem depressed, I was thinking, can you imagine if all this time you have had a chemical imbalance?" Not drinking doesn't have to mean living miserably.
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