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relationship/drinking not mixing

Old 04-25-2008, 07:41 AM
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relationship/drinking not mixing

I really want constructive feedback on my situation. Please help me.

Yesterday my boyfriend of two years came over and told me that he loved me. He loved me when I was drunk and when I was sober. He only likes me when I'm sober though. And he cannot have a lasting relationship with an alcoholic. (His father was an alcoholic).

This came as a shock to me. I knew that my drinking made him uncomfortable, but I didn't know it was a deal breaker. I've quit for a month successfully. But when I tried to quit indefinitely I made it 2 1/2 weeks and a month in my 2 times I tried. Each time I go back to drinking he didn't show that it bothered him but it apparently did... a lot.

So now we have 2 options. 1. I quit and we stay together. 2. We break up. (I quit or I don't)

I want option 1. I'm just afraid of screwing up. We've talked about how I need to feel comfortable telling him if I've slipped so I don't have the temptation of hiding my drinking from him and he isn't always wondering if I'm at it secretly. He's worried about the line though. When is it too much and the relationship is over? There's got to be an ultimatum out there but there also has to be the ability to tell him if I do drink.

We're planning on seeing a psychologist I've seen a few times to see if he can come up with something.

I really don't want to break up. I love him. I want to quit but I'm afraid the time bomb feeling I'd gotten in the past is going to come back and I won't know how to deal with it. I'm not choosing drinking over my man. I'm just trying to figure out how to make a realistic road to recovery and keep us both sane.

Please any and all help is appreciated
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Old 04-25-2008, 07:51 AM
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If you want to live a full life,quit now.Quit for YOU primarily and for your reationship secondary.there is no instant cure to uur disease and it requires hard qork,but realistaclly here are your 2 options as i see them:
1 Quit drinking and live a full and happy life with relationships and well being.
2 Resign yourself to a life of heartache and emptiness followed by an early death or insanity.

Sorry,bad medicine i know,cruel to be kind.
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:06 AM
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Many/most of us here didnt quit until we reached a painful bottom.
I hope that the possibility of losing your relationship is your bottom.
I hope you dont have to slide further as so many of us did.
Believe me...it CAN and it WILL get worse.

Keep coming back, ok?
Keep posting, keep asking for help.
((hugs))
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:13 AM
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Goldfish,

Quit for you and quit now is my advice. The fact that you are in love with someone who is familiar with the disease, understands it and is willing to support you is a great gift!

However with this great gift comes great responsibility, you must be honest with yourself, you must admit your powerlessness over alcohol and you must quit for YOU... not your boyfriend. If in your mind you are quitting for your boyfriend, I fear you may run the risk of resenting him and your relationship will end eventually anyways.

If you take that first step, for you, honestly, you will have a chance. I would recommend getting to A.A. and getting a sponsor as well as continuing to post here, the support is incredible.

Good luck, I hope this helps you.

John
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:18 AM
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I Feel Like Using It's So Hard To Stay Clean.
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:24 AM
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Welcome to SR Goldfish. You've found the right place to help you figure things out. I encourage you to read as much as you can all around this forum. Ask any questions as you go. We're all here to help, offer our experiences and share our hope with you.
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:29 AM
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I don't know how to quit for myself

I know that drinking is bad for me.
I know that I need to quit some time.
I want to want to quit all the time.
I want to quit right now out of fear of losing my boyfriend.

I don't know how to change my mind frame to be I want to quit because alcohol causes problems that I don't need rather than I want to quit so I don't lose the man I love.
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:31 AM
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Hey Goldfish

Welcome to the bowl! No predators here...

I have been faced with a similar situation twice. Once during a dysfunctional marriage between two good people. It collapsed under its' own weight and alcohol was just a contributing factor.

Recently though, I learned that the love of my life was quietly preparing to leave. She could not bear to be witness to what she was seeing. Only the trauma of a DUI 70 days ago brought things to the surface. How can one be thankful for a DUI? Only god understands and is responsible for that.

Ultimatums are terribly difficult for us addicts. They hit us in a place where we are defenseless.

Ultimatums must be processed rationally. Higher brain stuff. We don't function there. We are insane. Our lower brain dominates our behavior. Thus, when given an ultimatum, even when given out of love, our circuits overload and break down. While the ultimatum makes perfect sense to the deliverer, who is being completely rational and acting in their own defense, we are simply unable to process it as such.

Others may have better advice than I for handling this. I see only one resolution. An honest exchange with the man who loves you. Explaining that your behavior has nothing to do with your feelings for him. If you were rational, the choice would be easy and instantaneous. That you don't expect him to UNDERSTAND, and you are glad that he doesn't. Only an addict can. But, you hope that he can ACCEPT it. That is the rational part of love.

And then go about healing yourself as best you can. As if there were no ultimatum. Do not recover for him. Recover for YOU, independent of your relationship. Relationships do not always survive, but you must. Regardless. Doing it for yourself will give you the focus you will desperately need to recover.

Tell him that you have no control over what he does. What he believes, what he expects. It will take all of your energy to submit to your own recovery, which you can control. Tell him that you are working first on becoming lovable. And that you hope that he can love that person. But that you cannot control that.

An ultimatum is external. No matter how well meaning, external forces are no match for addiction. That is the heartbreak of this disease. Our rational loved ones have little choice but to judge us by what we DO. We who are insane however, know that what we do often has little to do with what we feel. Our rational and regulatory brains are disconnected.

Your only chance at recovery must come from inside you. Internal. Only you have the tools and can summon the desire to use them. His ultimatum is a desperate but futile attempt to control the one he loves. He may likely think he is giving you a choice that is an easy test of your love. That's rational. But you know different. This is no test of love. This is life and death for you. And only you can choose to live for life's sake. Only you can decide that living sober is preferable to living with addiction.

My love has given me no ultimatum. Like anything else in life, I simply know the consequences my actions are likely to bring. Drive hammered-get nailed. Duh! We need to get this on our own, Goldfish. This cannot be an attempt to save your love, this must be the process that saves your life.

Peace to you

warren
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:34 AM
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Originally Posted by cara1232 View Post
I Feel Like Using It's So Hard To Stay Clean.
Welcome to SR cara. When I first came here, I was in the exact same place you are. I wanted/needed a drink. The support here helped that feeling to pass. I know it's hard. Here's a (((hug))). Hang in there. We're here for you.
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:12 AM
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An ultimatum is external. No matter how well meaning, external forces are no match for addiction. That is the heartbreak of this disease. Our rational loved ones have little choice but to judge us by what we DO. We who are insane however, know that what we do often has little to do with what we feel. Our rational and regulatory brains are disconnected.

Amen, Warren. I agree that we have to do this for ourselves, but, at least for me, that is extremely difficult as I have spent a lifetime living for others at the expense of myself. I'm workin' on it tho'...
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:23 AM
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I hear you there HideorSeek...I have always put everyone in my life first...drinking my problems away, instead of taking care of me...it's a difficult cycle to change. Now my kids are closed to being grown, and luckily they've learned that drinking sucks, and they dont want to be like their drunk mom...
I do agree that ultimatums suck, I received one again last week...he doesnt usually follow thru, but they make me feel unsupported...even though I know he's always enabled me, I dont like feeling pushed into a corner, and all it makes me want to do is drink even more!!
Good luck, and do what's best for you!!! because when it comes down to it, no one else can!!
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:56 AM
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Quendrida

I kind of disagree with you just a bit. I think you may have acted on the loss of YOURSELF. The internal ultimatum only we can generate and hear.

It is sad that we can lose so much before we act. Many of us do lose our kids. Some of us even lose ourselves. That is the only true "bottom" that I am aware of.

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Old 04-25-2008, 09:59 AM
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How to handle the right now

I'm in such limbo.

I used to have 3 things I could do when I was upset. 1. talk to my boyfriend, 2. put on a happy face and hopefully the mood will catch, 3. drink

none of these are options now. I promised I wouldn't drink at least until we had the 'us' aspect figured out. I can't talk to my boyfriend about being crushed by his out-of-the-blue confrontation. And a happy face can't solve this.

I tried (i don't do this like ever) talking to my roomates about it last night.They were supportive but awkward. They don't expect me to cry. I'm the one who doesn't do that.

I can't do anything. I haven't had breakfast because nothing looks good. I don't know what to do with myself other than go to work and school like I need to until we meet with the counselor and he helps us get to the next point. But what do I do with my free time until then other than lay on my bed and cry?
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Old 04-25-2008, 10:06 AM
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Find a meeting. Go to it.

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Old 04-25-2008, 10:19 AM
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Welcome to SR!

I would suggest taking him out of the equation and think about it. Do you want to quit drinking?

If you do, what are you willing to do to stop drinking, again keeping him out of the equation.

It is great that he is interested in you quitting and it sounds like he would be supportive, but you need to do this for yourself.

And just to let you know, life has gotten better since I quit drinking. I am clear headed, I have more money and I am not creating any more wreckage. All this is because I made sobriety my number one priority.

Hope that helps and thanks for posting!
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Old 04-25-2008, 10:21 AM
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I would suggest being up front with him and discussing the problem you are facing. The added pressure of not drinking to keep him may just lead you to drink.... If he is aware of alcoholic behavior in his family he understands how hard it is for you to control the alcoholic animal living inside you. My ex-wife was in a similar situation, she came from a family of 2 alcoholics (recovering long-timers now) and she sought AlAnon which helped her with them and me immensely. She saw me fighting the battle with my alcoholic-inside and even though while I was out there I didn't want her support it was always there. I think that if your boyfriend understands what you are going through and he really loves you, he will be there to walk with you without ultimatums. If he can't then that is his choice and that is just one more thing that you have to give to god and realize that you cannot control. I was told to get sober for myself first then the rest will work out, one way or the other....
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Old 04-25-2008, 10:58 AM
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Goldfish,

Are you and alcholic? Why cann't you talk to your boyfriend?
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Old 04-25-2008, 11:13 AM
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Goldfish, when you finally make the choice to quit drinking, an amazing amount of worry is lifted from your life. From that point on you need to find a solution best for YOU to live a new life without alcohol in it. There is a solution for you out there if you look for it. I promise you that.

Many blessings.
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Old 04-25-2008, 11:44 AM
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sometimes people need to cry alot when they stop drinking. They are going to end up healing tears if you go on.

The appetite thing isn't surprising. I had no appetite when I was drinking and not for several weeks after I quit. Of course I had pancreatits....but my brother (now in recovery) had that problem too....so it may just be part of physical and/or emotional withdrawl.

My brother coached me through drinking ensure until I was able to eat. I ate small meals - mostly just picked at the food.

In time that got better. Early sobriety was just as scary for me if not more, than the end of my drinking.

Get a support system of people concerned PRIMARILY about YOU, not your relationship. My support people helped me keep my focus on doing what I needed to recover instead of on all the problems that seemed so insurmountable.

I'm not going to lie to you. Some relationship stay....some go. But You will still be with you.

I'm rattling...I am hoping the best for you.
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Old 04-25-2008, 02:16 PM
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All I can say is to echo what the others have said. Very good advice and suggestions they've given you. I quit drinking cause I was afraid my daughter would move out if I kept on drinking. I hadn't been sober too long before I realized I really quit for ME. I wasn't just hurting my daughter, I was killing myself. And I can't be a good mother if I'm dead or disabled.

I also made a list of all the things I hate about drinking. Anytime I get 'the urge' to drink I read the list. It's kept me sober for 27 days and the longer I am sober, the less I want to drink.

Keep coming back. THis is a great safe and loving place. It's helped me a lot.

:ghug
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