Teenage education questions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Johannesburg South Africa
Posts: 61
Teenage education questions
Asking for help from Teenage Parents
My XH spoke to me yesterday about our son (almost 13) hating school, being fedup, not working and not respecting house-rules at his place.
Recently I had found out that he lied about school and did not show me teacher's warning about his attitude at school, not doing homework etc. -He got severerly punished, mainly for his lies and not trying to do work hard (not for his bad Marks). I involved my X and the punishment had a good success, at least at my house and at school.
He has been with my X all this week and therefore the problems seem to take over. I believe that my X is only working and not concentrating enough on the real and important issues in life (like kids), the typical "I work hard, sacrifiy myself, so you have a good future" type of dad. He tries to be with kids but is not really 'present' when home, has always friends around cause he can't be alone and is very poor at boundaries setting, not very patient and gives huge preference to our daughter who excells.
Yesterday I had a go at him (usually I avoid) and he took it quite well and we agreed to speak to our son after holidays.
I am a bit afraid that with inconsistent behaviour (between mum and dad's house), my X's laid back behaviour and with all my shortcomings as well, our son will get out of hand and being at a very dangerous age he might end up badly
I am adopting the method of: giving him choices of respecting boundaries and taking the consequences.....but this only works when we both do the needful.
My stand would be: "I do not accept that you lie to me, do not respect our rules here and do not give the best you can do at school, you have a choice to follow this or not, if you choose to follow this you will get a cellphone contract at the end of the school year, if you don't the consequence will be that you will loose your privileges (watching TV, seeing freinds etc.)...Furthermore your choices in life will be affected by your choices now, if you work hard, you will be able to have a better life later on etc. (I always try to make them understand the consequences for their lives later and their choices)....Your choice..."
Any suggestions how to react to our son, how to speak to his dad, which attitude to adopt best, your experiences?
Any good reads you would recommend?
Thanks in advance
My XH spoke to me yesterday about our son (almost 13) hating school, being fedup, not working and not respecting house-rules at his place.
Recently I had found out that he lied about school and did not show me teacher's warning about his attitude at school, not doing homework etc. -He got severerly punished, mainly for his lies and not trying to do work hard (not for his bad Marks). I involved my X and the punishment had a good success, at least at my house and at school.
He has been with my X all this week and therefore the problems seem to take over. I believe that my X is only working and not concentrating enough on the real and important issues in life (like kids), the typical "I work hard, sacrifiy myself, so you have a good future" type of dad. He tries to be with kids but is not really 'present' when home, has always friends around cause he can't be alone and is very poor at boundaries setting, not very patient and gives huge preference to our daughter who excells.
Yesterday I had a go at him (usually I avoid) and he took it quite well and we agreed to speak to our son after holidays.
I am a bit afraid that with inconsistent behaviour (between mum and dad's house), my X's laid back behaviour and with all my shortcomings as well, our son will get out of hand and being at a very dangerous age he might end up badly
I am adopting the method of: giving him choices of respecting boundaries and taking the consequences.....but this only works when we both do the needful.
My stand would be: "I do not accept that you lie to me, do not respect our rules here and do not give the best you can do at school, you have a choice to follow this or not, if you choose to follow this you will get a cellphone contract at the end of the school year, if you don't the consequence will be that you will loose your privileges (watching TV, seeing freinds etc.)...Furthermore your choices in life will be affected by your choices now, if you work hard, you will be able to have a better life later on etc. (I always try to make them understand the consequences for their lives later and their choices)....Your choice..."
Any suggestions how to react to our son, how to speak to his dad, which attitude to adopt best, your experiences?
Any good reads you would recommend?
Thanks in advance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Johannesburg South Africa
Posts: 61
I just realised, this has not really something to do with Alcoholism but I find the various insights from you really great and I see it perhaps also as a sort of prevention....
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Im not one for bribing my kids. If you do this, you will get that but if you dont you wont get this or that.
I think if I was treated that way I would feel disrespected.
He is 13 ( a tender age ) By all means keep discipline but treat him with love, respect, talk, lots of talking. I find just getting a little involved in what they like doing and spending time together works.
OK teens want space and will react to the slightest thing but if they feel you understand them and respect them it comes back in doses. Yes, my sons have stretched boundaries too but they knew how disappointed I was just by the look on my face.
My eldest son was 11 when I separated from his father. He went the bad way at 15 with drugs and alcohol and I think alot of that came from the fact he was getting the wrong messages from us then. Its a hard road but I think I taught them right from wrong and things are now their choices as adults.
Good Luck
I think if I was treated that way I would feel disrespected.
He is 13 ( a tender age ) By all means keep discipline but treat him with love, respect, talk, lots of talking. I find just getting a little involved in what they like doing and spending time together works.
OK teens want space and will react to the slightest thing but if they feel you understand them and respect them it comes back in doses. Yes, my sons have stretched boundaries too but they knew how disappointed I was just by the look on my face.
My eldest son was 11 when I separated from his father. He went the bad way at 15 with drugs and alcohol and I think alot of that came from the fact he was getting the wrong messages from us then. Its a hard road but I think I taught them right from wrong and things are now their choices as adults.
Good Luck
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