New Here - Thank You

Old 04-24-2008, 05:56 PM
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New Here - Thank You

I just found this board last night. It is wonderful to find people who understand what I have been through. I am in the middle of a divorce of my alcoholic wife of ten years.

The straw that broke the camels back for me was that she cheated on me with my friend. The thing that I will never understand is, she had been sober for eight months when it happened. I stood by her for over nine years while she was in and out of the hospital and jobs, put up with her verbal abuse and her missing important family events, you all know the story. This is probably the only thing that could have made me leave. I think it would have been so much easier for me to take if she had been drinking when she cheated!!! But as far as I know and believe, she never cheated for all that time when she was drunk every night. But when she gets sober, this is how she thanks me for standing by her all this time??? I mean, not that I was a perfect husband or anything, but I think I deserved better than this. I truly loved her, and she says she loves me. I will never understand.

Thanks for being here and letting me vent.
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Old 04-24-2008, 06:34 PM
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I'm so glad that you're here.

They say that pain shared is pain halved, and joy shared is joy doubled.
This is a good place to demonstrate that theory.
Keep coming back.

My thoughts for peace are with you.
-TC
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Old 04-24-2008, 07:26 PM
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Welcome LostGuy.

I'm sorry you were treated so badly. No one deserves that. Stay around and keep reading and posting.
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Old 04-24-2008, 07:38 PM
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Welcome LostGuy! This is a wonderful forum filled with caring and supportive people.

I'm sorry for what you're having to deal with. May I ask, was your wife working a program or just abstaining from alcohol?
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Old 04-24-2008, 07:47 PM
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She was just abstaining from drinking. She went through phases where she would go to AA meetings in the past, but it never stuck. She felt it was cultish. Neither of us are religious, spiritual maybe, but not organized religion. Anyway, after the second hospital stay to detox she just quit on her own. Stopped the aftercare without completing it because she said she didn't need it. Stayed sober for one week short of an entire year, but started drinking again when I caught wind of her cheating and started asking questions.
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Old 04-24-2008, 08:01 PM
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Many times when they are only abstaining their actions and thinking is much like it would be if they were actively drinking. Unless working a program nothing really changes with their behavior.

My xabf would abstain to prove to me in his own little way that he didn't have a problem. During these "dry spells" he was actually worse off and a lot more verbally abusive to me. He would "act out" in other ways.

So really sobriety equals recovery and slowly the behavior changes. JMHO.
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Old 04-24-2008, 08:17 PM
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Welcome, I too went thu something simular, It has been two years and allthough it has gotten easier, it is not easy knowing you would have done anything for them and then they go and cheat on us, but that is part of the disease, (I thinK)
I am happy you found us, you are recieved with open arms, I hope you like it here

Kermmie
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Old 04-24-2008, 08:17 PM
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Welcome,
it's great that more guys are coming here,
we start to understand the other side.
and what booze and all the other drugs
do to families and loved ones.
please keep coming back and posting,
and threading. again welcome.
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Old 04-24-2008, 09:02 PM
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Just my opinion-abstinence only does not equal recovery.

I am so sorry for your pain, and as someone else already said, pain shared is pain lessened.
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Old 04-25-2008, 07:33 AM
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Originally Posted by LostGuy View Post
She felt it was cultish.
Interesting choice of words. My AH says the same thing- about al-anon. He's told me I've been indoctrinated. (whatever)

Welcome. I am dealing with the same issue- emotional infidelity. It's hard. My struggle has been in trying to reconcile the idea that a man who is intelligent is also sick. My therapist and I talked about it this week. His sickness in no way excuses his crappy behavior. He doesn't get a pass. He's an adult, he made bad choices while under the influence and while sober. He can choose to be responsible to our marriage, but he has not. I can choose to respect myself enough to let him be who he is. In doing that I am divorcing him. I cannot live with a man who does not respect me or our marriage. I lived with his bad behavior for too long. And I'm not going to continue to try to figure out why he's done what he has. My job now is to figure out why I chose to live with his crap. I hope you will stick around. This board has really been a source of strength. (((((Take care)))))
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:29 AM
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Hey there Lostguy, welcome to SR, its great to see more fellas joining! I feel for your pain right now, keep posting and reading here, and some time soon , you can rename yourself 'Foundguy'!

Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Just my opinion-abstinence only does not equal recovery.
Got to jump on this band wagon, it took me many months of my xabf abstaining for me to finally learn this lesson. Sobriety now means so much more to me than abstinance. I know that for him to fully recover, he needs to work on his inner self, his issues/wounded self etc.

This applys to me too, I have been up and down over and over in the past because I abstained from those things that caused me inner conflict. Now my recovery includes working my 'steps' too.

I am certain you will find much inspiration and joy here Lostguy, I am glad you have joined!

Love Lily xxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 04-25-2008, 08:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Pajarito View Post
And I'm not going to continue to try to figure out why he's done what he has. My job now is to figure out why I chose to live with his crap.
Paj - I love that -- I need to keep my focus there, also.
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:27 AM
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I'm so sorry so I hope this helps. In my opinion when someone does this, they are really being Passive/aggressive in making sure you are punished, they want you say exactly what you did. They want you to like them better when they are drunk. They want you to compare their sober behavior with their drunken behavior and prefer them to be drunk. Oh, and it had to be your friend or it wouldn't have been nearly as effective.
I'm glad you are out of it. She went too far in trying to manipulate you by flicking the big switch of OFF!
Things will start looking up very soon for you.
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Old 04-25-2008, 09:39 AM
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Welcome, glad you found us. Although i wasn't married, i can relate as my exbf cheated on me while 6 months sober with his exgf. Like you, i don't know what to feel as he WAS sober when he cheated. I was the one that encouraged and supported his sobriety for that to have happened but like Lex said above, he was only abstaining and dry. Now i chalk it up to his bad behavior and poor choices. And yes, you don't deserve that treatment and DO deserve better. Stick around and read the stickis at the top of the page.
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Old 04-25-2008, 01:07 PM
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Same here...AH made inappropriate phone calls (and who knows really what else) while drunk....he moved out...we reconciled...he got sober...and did it again. In my head, I made it "better" the first time because I knew he was drunk when it happened. It hurt more when he was sober because I knew he had his "wits" about him when he did it. I'm sorry she betrayed you. You sound just like me when you say you're not the "perfect" spouse. The sad part is that you might be a really great spouse, but you've been living with someone whose expectations are whacked out right now. Your AW's drinking and behavior is NOT about YOU. You DO deserve better than this. I'm slowly figuring that out for myself too.
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Old 04-25-2008, 01:45 PM
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Welcome LostGuy...glad you are here.

I have been married to an alcoholic for 14 years (been together 19), and have finally realized my enabling and co-dependancy has done nothing good for myself or our relationship.

I am no longer in the business of accepting unacceptable behavior...from anyone, especially my ah.

I've been attending al-anon mtgs., seeing a therapist and reading/posting here on SR since February...I have made so much progress in my recovery.

My ah says he does not like the person I am anymore (b/c I'm working on my "issues", maybe?). Thinks I'm weird (b/c I will no longer enable him).

He has "cut back" on his drinking. I've always thought that if he would stop the drinking that things would just "magically" fall into place. Not true. There's lots of work to be done (emotionally...through counseling) for both of us.

The thing is....I've discovered I don't really like him whether he's sober or drunk. I just don't like this man. He is a man of little integrity....with or without the alcohol.....so sad....

I feel for you...this is a tough thing to deal with. Take care of yourself!

Shivaya
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Old 04-25-2008, 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by mallowcup View Post
They want you to like them better when they are drunk. They want you to compare their sober behavior with their drunken behavior and prefer them to be drunk. Oh, and it had to be your friend or it wouldn't have been nearly as effective.
That strikes me as very possibly true. In fact, I ignored a lot of signs, because I was in denial and just couldn't believe something like that was going on, but ultimately it was so glaring that I had to take action. It was like she wanted to get caught. And when I returned to the house after confronting my friend, believing naively that there had been some innapropriate flirting and phone calls that pissed me off of course but was not going to be the end of our relationship, she had left and begun a three day bender in a hotel. That is how she returned to drinking one week before her year mark of abstinance.

It is so crazy, and I have had this experience more than once now that all is out in the open and her drinking isn't a big secret I feel I have to keep from family and friends, it is so crazy when people point out ways I have been manipulated that I never saw before. I just find it so hard to believe that this woman I loved, who was sweet and wonderful when not overly drunk, was scheming and manipulating me consciously. Is this something alcoholics do unconsciously, or was I completely wrong about the person she really was, if she didn't have all the alcohol-related problems???
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Old 04-25-2008, 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by LostGuy View Post
It is so crazy, and I have had this experience more than once now that all is out in the open and her drinking isn't a big secret I feel I have to keep from family and friends, it is so crazy when people point out ways I have been manipulated that I never saw before. I just find it so hard to believe that this woman I loved, who was sweet and wonderful when not overly drunk, was scheming and manipulating me consciously. Is this something alcoholics do unconsciously, or was I completely wrong about the person she really was, if she didn't have all the alcohol-related problems???

I was amazed at the number of folks who talked to me after I left my AH and literally congratulated me on leaving him. They all knew he was an alcoholic using me and had all apparently been wondering just how long I would put up with it.

I think my AH managed to convince himself that what he was doing wasn't really using me or manipulating or anything bad. He is very good at living in an alternate reality. He has convinced himself of all sorts of things to make himself comfortable in his little world. {shrug** All part of the disease I think.
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Old 04-25-2008, 07:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
I was amazed at the number of folks who talked to me after I left my AH and literally congratulated me on leaving him. They all knew he was an alcoholic using me and had all apparently been wondering just how long I would put up with it.

I think my AH managed to convince himself that what he was doing wasn't really using me or manipulating or anything bad. He is very good at living in an alternate reality. He has convinced himself of all sorts of things to make himself comfortable in his little world. {shrug** All part of the disease I think.
This is what has happened with me as well. So many folks saying they can't believe that I put up with this for so long. Sadly, AH not only convinced himself but he convinced me that what he was doing wasn't wrong. That's the part that I'm trying to fix for myself right now.

I hope you're seeing that we have all been there. Don't be too hard on yourself.
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Old 04-26-2008, 04:44 AM
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Hi Lost Guy,

Welcome and so glad you found SR! I know the tendency is to try to figure out why THEY did what they did, but it is important to focus all that energy toward YOURSELF instead. A lot of people will talk about working on their OWN recovery and you may ask yourself "What are they talking about? They aren't alcoholics?" But what happens when you are in a relationship with an addict is YOU wind up being damaged also. You have spent so many years focused on the other person's problems, you forgot that normal people focus on themselves first. Please read about codependency on this board and in literature. I recommend "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It was very eye-opening to me!

You have made a powerful decision. I commend you for realizing YOU are special and do not deserve to be unhappy in life. Try very hard to let go of the tendency to think about HER and instead allow yourself to focus on you. It is not selfish or self-absorbed, but as a codependent we tend to think that way. In truth, it is vital to recognize how much YOU have been pulled down by this relationship, and how much YOU need to recover, both for your happiness and so that you don't wind up repeating the same poor behaviors again and again in the future.
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