four812

I am so tired of these urges.
right now I am angry at this one.
BUT I want to give in. I want to leave work.

I was fine--
there were no urges in me--until moments ago when the dealer called
Now i'm filled with WANT WANT WANT

he said he'd give me something for free

he's found out about me
the word get's around fast in the hood
he knows...I'm the forty dollar man.
he said that.
he wants my business.
I want his free stuff.
I've heard others' stories about their dope man giving them free stuff
I never really had one, I guess, because one never offered me a free one
if so then I could say "oh I had a dope man"

MY own dope man,
he trusted me and liked me enough
to give me a free-bee. my dope man. I had a dope man

It will get me going again.
he wants me to come around
and to give everything of mine to him
all my money
all my credit
my car
my job
my breath

the bad news is that he is a multi-tasker
he's working on other clients
other working white people
who get their kicks out of going into the hood
to buy from the dope man
he's easy to spot
he's young, they are always practically kids

you make eye contact
then...you know whether to shout out
"got a forty?"
that's how I met the guy who called a little while ago.
only met him that one time.
only bought a twenty that time.
I threw his number away so I wouldn't call him again
I regretted that when I needed it later
now he's finally called and I got his number again

but he's been talking
there's always talking in the hood.
and he's been listening
and he's been hearing that I'm the "forty man"
because I buy forties
and he wants to suck my resources
and now I want to leave work
and make my fancy white man business deal
perhaps at some gas station
although sometimes at a nicer part of the hood
like a decent apartment complex
that white people would never guess
I'm there to buy some more.
another Forty.
a forty.

so do I STAY or just leave right now?
I got yoga tonight
a 3 hour workshop
I paid for it 2 months ago.
I want to blow it off

I could have been getting high for 5 hours before the class even starts 6 hours from now.

I just blow it off right now, I could make the move to the dope man
who I don't even know
but now he's my dope man
he'll take care of me
he'll trust me enough to give me a free-bee
to get me going
then I'll be back
for another Forty

"Is it time to give it up?"
my therapist asked me last night
can I give it up?
I want to and yet....I want more. Again. I told her so.
it's true today, again
I knew it would be
I was pretty sure

I want that forty
I want it in my teeth (they are biting against each other in anticipation)
my teeth are jumping up an down, waiting for the word, the go ahead
I want it in my gnawing gut
I want it in my lungs
10 minutes ago
another Forty
Just another forty
it's not a big deal
but Yoga, what about yoga?

can I make it another night
the Yoga or the drug? heck the yoga was only 30
the thirty dollar yoga behind door number one
or the forty behind door number death

or can I simply, and finally,
just never want it again
that eternal forty
I wish I could just learn my lesson
and I wish I could get high right now and forever
because somewhere inside of me
I hurt.

it still hurts.
I'm tired of the hurt too.

ImJulie

Funny...my dope dealer would come to my door when he knew I had quit....he came under the guise of "Have you seen so-and-so...he owes me money" then...he just happened to have some "new" stuff...wanna try some...its free.
What a salesman! If that guy would just give it up and sell cars or something, he'd have the world by the tail!

Your dealer is your enemy! Your absolute enemy! He wants you to fail....he wants you to be miserable.
Tell him eff-off!

ImJulie

Wow...now Im really thinking about the insanity of it all.
Thanks for that post!

I used to think I was "special" cuz I had my sales-rep (yup, fancy name for a dope dealer) cell number instead of just his pager number like alot of people.
I called it the "Bat-line". How insane!

I felt "better than" an average drug user cuz my dope dealer didnt look like a dope dealer. He looked all polished and proffessional. Nobody would ever guess.

least

That was a beautifully scary poem. That should be published somewhere. But you shouldn't call him anything but the vampire he is.

Gutterdrunk

If you really want him to stay away, tell him the cops called and asked about him, that you think they are following you.

works every time!

ex D-Boy

great poem, so many things I can relate to in it. Remember in the end it always boils down to a simple choice of yes or no..... wish you the best man~

FT

Hi four812,

I read a post from you this morning and became curious about your struggle.

Here is a thread you started in 2008.

Why are you here? Are we helping you?

You mention your child -- what about that little human, who is learning all his/her coping skills from you? Children are very very aware of what we are doing, regardless of how well we think we hide it. Even if you use "in private," your coping skills become the model for your child.

Put your child in your place, 10 or so years from now. Is this what you want for your child -- to be smoking crack and making all kinds of excuses why they continue to do so?

How will you feel then, knowing you could have stopped -- today, right now -- the inherited pattern of drug abuse you are passing down to your child?

Whenever I read posts from addicts who have small children, my heart just sinks, knowing this is the next generation of addicts we will have to try to "cure."

The "cure" is you.