After the Alcoholic in my Life Left.....
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
After the Alcoholic in my Life Left.....
...with the help of you all here, i decided to get on track and find myself, get much needed therapy and once an for all work on ME. I would say, things are not perfect but this past week has been a true test for me.
Very long story short, my now Xbest-friend, we have been through ALOT in which she has alot of problems with her family right now that i don't want anything to do with. Her problems somewhat involved me years ago and it was a strain on our friendship and things have not been the same since. She's the type of friend that picks fights because she would rather have negative attention than none at all. She has sent me some pretty nasty emails regarding our friendship and i brought them to my therapist to discuss.
WELL, i decided to take the high road and try to get close again (stupid me) and joined a softball team with her. She inquired about me helping and coaching with her so i agreed but was strong about not wanting to be responsible for coaching the girls. In the meantime, I've gone to league meetings, picked up equipment, went to field clean up day (she did not go), emailed/called all the girls weekly to be of help as we both work as well.
Anyways, yesterday i get this NASTY email after she decided to change the practice place after we were all set in another location (i know this sounds so dumb so far) and i questioned her because she was TELLING everyone instead of asking what worked well for everyone else. Well doesn't she fire back saying "I'm the coach" on and on and basically telling me that i am selfish, childish, an embarrassment to the team (now she's speaking for the other girls) and that everyone has had it with me. This is out of no where mind you.
So after going back and forth which i stopped because i was not going down that road AGAIN with her as she is so messed up but one of those people that place blame on EVERYONE else instead of herself. Says i have no feelings for others and only think of me all the time and that maybe i should grow up!! No mind you, if that was the case would i have given J $10,000, bought his wardrobe, paid for our groceries and so on ...
So ultimately i decided to quit the team, which is wicked sad to me as softball is my passion but who wants to play under that abuse and i call it that because she is so verbally abusive and never stops to absorb anything anyone is telling her and always on the defense to fire back.
So my friend K took the email that i sent her with my friends words and told her that she should not speak for the team and copied the team. So low and behold i get an email from my Xfriend saying i was a child having her send out that email (which i didn't) and to grow up.
This is a person that back in Oct. i should have walked away and wanted to FOREVER but gave it another chance. So now I'm getting messages from friends saying what is she talking about, we don't think you've been anything but an asset to the team.
I'm not going to sit here and go on about myself but i have to say that i NEVER put myself first to a fault and I'm sick of people in my life treating me so badly for doing the right thing and trying to help. I really believe that it DOESN'T pay to be nice. So i decided to quit and want nothing to do with her but she'll make it out that I'm in the wrong.
Had to get this out......now that I'm no longer a push over, people around me don't know how to handle it other than treat me worse than before.
I said I'm damned if i do, damned if i don't and not sure what to do at this point. Any advice would be great!
Thanks and sorry so wordy and long....
Very long story short, my now Xbest-friend, we have been through ALOT in which she has alot of problems with her family right now that i don't want anything to do with. Her problems somewhat involved me years ago and it was a strain on our friendship and things have not been the same since. She's the type of friend that picks fights because she would rather have negative attention than none at all. She has sent me some pretty nasty emails regarding our friendship and i brought them to my therapist to discuss.
WELL, i decided to take the high road and try to get close again (stupid me) and joined a softball team with her. She inquired about me helping and coaching with her so i agreed but was strong about not wanting to be responsible for coaching the girls. In the meantime, I've gone to league meetings, picked up equipment, went to field clean up day (she did not go), emailed/called all the girls weekly to be of help as we both work as well.
Anyways, yesterday i get this NASTY email after she decided to change the practice place after we were all set in another location (i know this sounds so dumb so far) and i questioned her because she was TELLING everyone instead of asking what worked well for everyone else. Well doesn't she fire back saying "I'm the coach" on and on and basically telling me that i am selfish, childish, an embarrassment to the team (now she's speaking for the other girls) and that everyone has had it with me. This is out of no where mind you.
So after going back and forth which i stopped because i was not going down that road AGAIN with her as she is so messed up but one of those people that place blame on EVERYONE else instead of herself. Says i have no feelings for others and only think of me all the time and that maybe i should grow up!! No mind you, if that was the case would i have given J $10,000, bought his wardrobe, paid for our groceries and so on ...
So ultimately i decided to quit the team, which is wicked sad to me as softball is my passion but who wants to play under that abuse and i call it that because she is so verbally abusive and never stops to absorb anything anyone is telling her and always on the defense to fire back.
So my friend K took the email that i sent her with my friends words and told her that she should not speak for the team and copied the team. So low and behold i get an email from my Xfriend saying i was a child having her send out that email (which i didn't) and to grow up.
This is a person that back in Oct. i should have walked away and wanted to FOREVER but gave it another chance. So now I'm getting messages from friends saying what is she talking about, we don't think you've been anything but an asset to the team.
I'm not going to sit here and go on about myself but i have to say that i NEVER put myself first to a fault and I'm sick of people in my life treating me so badly for doing the right thing and trying to help. I really believe that it DOESN'T pay to be nice. So i decided to quit and want nothing to do with her but she'll make it out that I'm in the wrong.
Had to get this out......now that I'm no longer a push over, people around me don't know how to handle it other than treat me worse than before.
I said I'm damned if i do, damned if i don't and not sure what to do at this point. Any advice would be great!
Thanks and sorry so wordy and long....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by hbb 
now that I'm no longer a push over, people around me don't know how to handle it other than treat me worse than before.
JMHO,
L
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
I don't want to be that person anymore. I feel like a new person that has a back bone and no longer take bad behavior. I've come to realize that the ones that are miserable in their own lives have to crap on others for no reason. As much as i want to play, i refuse to take her abuse and back down.
You know the funny thing, i have friends that WON'T hang around with her because of how she is and how she acts when we are out. Guess i should remember that when i think it's me doing wrong.
I am literally sitting here jaw on the ground, wracking my brain as to what i did and apparently no one else feels this way because they are all asking me why i'm quitting and what is she talking about!!
I don't get it, and probably won't ever!
You know the funny thing, i have friends that WON'T hang around with her because of how she is and how she acts when we are out. Guess i should remember that when i think it's me doing wrong.
I am literally sitting here jaw on the ground, wracking my brain as to what i did and apparently no one else feels this way because they are all asking me why i'm quitting and what is she talking about!!
I don't get it, and probably won't ever!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
I think the whole thing just shows how much you have grown and what you are willing/not willing to except in your life anymore.
Good for you Heather,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
Good for you Heather,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
I think I've posted this reading before Heather, forgive me if I'm repeating myself. Sorry to hear things turned out this way for you, but I'm glad to hear the growth in your post.
Monday, December 29, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Moving On
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
--Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
Monday, December 29, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Moving On
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
--Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
(((Heather)))
I was once friends with 2 girls (one of them I worked with). To make a long story short, they sucked the life out of me, or rather I allowed them to suck the life out of me. I was the designated driver on all out nights out, I did their hair for free, was a thoughtful listener to all their problems and so on. After a particularly rough patch in my own life, I began therapy.
On my first session after explaining all the reason why I was there, the therapist told me that one thing I needed to be aware of is other people's reactions to my changes. The healthier I get, the more they will likely be upset about it because it changes there lives. Who will they step all over if not me? So, sure enough, about 4 months into therapy, the girls started to resent me. I wasn't as available to them and didn't lay down to their needs. They began to blow me off. The set up a time for me to come over and talk. They sat me down and said I was selfish and self-centered. They also said that they deserved a better friend, like I was before. Then they told me they would never speak to me again.
Once of the girls did nails, I was doing hair at the time, so we shared clients. Four years later, one of them was getting married. A big fight over the wedding ensued between the two of them. The girl getting married finally understood that being selfish isn't altogether bad and dumped the other girl. A client that we shared came in and told me that L realized now what her and A did to me was wrong and that she regrets not being friends with me anymore. I guess she was trying to pass the message through the client. I said it was good she woke up, but I had not interest in speaking with her again and that was that.
I still think those girls did me a favor because I later found friends that would do anything for me and I for them, but we respected each other's boundaries.
Hope this helps!
I was once friends with 2 girls (one of them I worked with). To make a long story short, they sucked the life out of me, or rather I allowed them to suck the life out of me. I was the designated driver on all out nights out, I did their hair for free, was a thoughtful listener to all their problems and so on. After a particularly rough patch in my own life, I began therapy.
On my first session after explaining all the reason why I was there, the therapist told me that one thing I needed to be aware of is other people's reactions to my changes. The healthier I get, the more they will likely be upset about it because it changes there lives. Who will they step all over if not me? So, sure enough, about 4 months into therapy, the girls started to resent me. I wasn't as available to them and didn't lay down to their needs. They began to blow me off. The set up a time for me to come over and talk. They sat me down and said I was selfish and self-centered. They also said that they deserved a better friend, like I was before. Then they told me they would never speak to me again.
Once of the girls did nails, I was doing hair at the time, so we shared clients. Four years later, one of them was getting married. A big fight over the wedding ensued between the two of them. The girl getting married finally understood that being selfish isn't altogether bad and dumped the other girl. A client that we shared came in and told me that L realized now what her and A did to me was wrong and that she regrets not being friends with me anymore. I guess she was trying to pass the message through the client. I said it was good she woke up, but I had not interest in speaking with her again and that was that.
I still think those girls did me a favor because I later found friends that would do anything for me and I for them, but we respected each other's boundaries.
Hope this helps!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
Emotional Vampires
Originally Posted by NYC_Chick
(((Heather)))
I was once friends with 2 girls (one of them I worked with). To make a long story short, they sucked the life out of me,
Hope this helps!
I was once friends with 2 girls (one of them I worked with). To make a long story short, they sucked the life out of me,
Hope this helps!
and I seem to be a magnet for them.
Heather keep on keepin on.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Originally Posted by geees poncho
EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES and there every where.
and I seem to be a magnet for them.
and I seem to be a magnet for them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Heather -
When I found out I had a backbone, and didn't have to take whatever anyone dished out to me, I also ran into a few people who didn't like the "new and improved" me. I did what you are doing....tried to figure out what I did wrong. It was only by coming here and talking to "normal" friends that I finally believed that I didn't do anything wrong.
Though I still tend to find emotional vampires, I'm a lot quicker at getting out of the relationship before too much damage. We codies are big-hearted people and we've taken care of others for so long, it's hard to remember to take care of ourselves.
It does get easier to do, though, the more we do it. I used to thrive on chaos and turmoil....now I see it as a huge red flag that I'm losing my focus.
I think you're doing great. You didn't do anything wrong, you're just standing up for yourself, and it feels awkward because you're not used to doing it. The more you do it, the more natural it will feel.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
When I found out I had a backbone, and didn't have to take whatever anyone dished out to me, I also ran into a few people who didn't like the "new and improved" me. I did what you are doing....tried to figure out what I did wrong. It was only by coming here and talking to "normal" friends that I finally believed that I didn't do anything wrong.
Though I still tend to find emotional vampires, I'm a lot quicker at getting out of the relationship before too much damage. We codies are big-hearted people and we've taken care of others for so long, it's hard to remember to take care of ourselves.
It does get easier to do, though, the more we do it. I used to thrive on chaos and turmoil....now I see it as a huge red flag that I'm losing my focus.
I think you're doing great. You didn't do anything wrong, you're just standing up for yourself, and it feels awkward because you're not used to doing it. The more you do it, the more natural it will feel.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
You know, if it was a friend that i had a little misunderstanding or fight with that overall respected me I would be much more upset. To be honest, i know what kind of person she is and many many of my friends will NOT come around if she's there. She's the type that needs me one on one and if i'm out with a group (i'm a wicked people person) than she wants nothing to do with me. I also think she is jealous that "her" friends that i met on the team have fun with me and email or call me themselves!!!
Here's the most hurtful paragraph i've ever received from anyone called a "best friend":
I know, the selfish me through it all!!
Now, i know you don't know me in person but i think i'm a caring and loving person and i'll fill you in on the truth with how messed up she is......
........she's pregnant and it's NOT with her husband.......go figure! Guess i'm her punching bag through her mess called her own life.....i don't get it!
Here's the most hurtful paragraph i've ever received from anyone called a "best friend":
Not quiet sure what you’re talking about. But here we go again, same reason you and I stopped talking before!! I don’t have time for you’re made up crap about things I’m doing to you. It’s always about Heather and when it’s not You make about you anyways!! Grow up! You embarrass me every practice in front of the team and I’m quit sick of it to tell YOU the truth. Everyone notices it and it’s a little childish. Just because people don’t hit like you or throw like you doesn’t mean you need to put them down in front of everyone!! Renee for example! Pretty sure that’s why she quit. Don’t you think its time for YOU to think about other peoples feelings and not everyone always thinking about YOU! I spend my life thinking about everyone elses feelings as I did with you for 10 YEARS!! Sometimes people just get to the point where its not worth it anymore!! Sorry you don’t see how YOU might need to change YOUR way!
Now, i know you don't know me in person but i think i'm a caring and loving person and i'll fill you in on the truth with how messed up she is......
........she's pregnant and it's NOT with her husband.......go figure! Guess i'm her punching bag through her mess called her own life.....i don't get it!
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
That's what my parents say! She's the screwed up one. It's hard because we have been friends for over 10 years but now i look at QUALITY instead of quantity and she really serves no purpose in my life. You know it's funny, looking back the only thing i see that i agreed with Jay was us not caring for my friend lol!!!!
Karma, also believe that when she flounders "coaching" than i will kick up my feet and enjoy the ride lol!!!
Karma, also believe that when she flounders "coaching" than i will kick up my feet and enjoy the ride lol!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 48
Heather, It sounds like your friend has a huge problem. You don't need people like that in your life. "Friends" like that love the drama...they feed off of it. Let her go and don't give her the satisfaction of more responses. You are above that.
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
I thankfully haven't fed into her drama further. Every email she's sent today and yesterday afternoon i haven't responded to. Your right, why bother!
Some of my friends say "write back telling her this..." and i say why? people like her are always on the defense and constantly thinking of what THEY are going to say next instead of comprehending anything i'm saying to them!! It's going on deaf ears in my opinion....sad but i'm done, i've tried wayyy too many times with her!
Some of my friends say "write back telling her this..." and i say why? people like her are always on the defense and constantly thinking of what THEY are going to say next instead of comprehending anything i'm saying to them!! It's going on deaf ears in my opinion....sad but i'm done, i've tried wayyy too many times with her!
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
I tried to do that today lol but couldn't find block just send to "junk" maybe that's fitting too!! My friend that who was sticking up for me emailed her tonight as it got more into it and she was nasty. The thing that stinks is i really want to play. Part of me wants to play regardless of her on the team!! This stinks, it should be fun and enjoyable instead it's crappy!!
Live, Laugh, Love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
I haven't spoken to her since she sent that email on wed. morning. I decided to wait it out till Tues. when it's the sign up ends. I"m not going seeking playing with her but if she contacts me i guess i'll take it from there.
The problem with finding another team, and i agree, i would love to play for another team like the Rockford Peaches in a League of Their Own with the sisters fighting lol. But, we were given a list of those looking to get on a team as the other teams were full. Oh well, i guess if it's meant to be i'll play, if not i'll be bummed but have kept my dignity in the process and see her try to pull it together. I think the girls will be frustrated with her but that's not my problem right?
The problem with finding another team, and i agree, i would love to play for another team like the Rockford Peaches in a League of Their Own with the sisters fighting lol. But, we were given a list of those looking to get on a team as the other teams were full. Oh well, i guess if it's meant to be i'll play, if not i'll be bummed but have kept my dignity in the process and see her try to pull it together. I think the girls will be frustrated with her but that's not my problem right?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Hi Heather- I am so proud of you for realizing this so-called friend is not a friend. Hang in there- something will work out. Maybe the others will ask her to leave the team, maybe another team will need someone. . . I just think it's great that you aren't responding to her emails, and you are taking care of yourself and not buying into her blaming. (((Way to go!)))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
