wish he'd quit

AH has gone 2 days now with out drinking. That is great, but it has messed with my emotions because he is nicer when he is sober. Don't get me wrong its definitely better than drinking, but it makes me question everything. It makes it that much harder since I'm wanting a divorce.I'm not naive enough to believe that things have changed. I just wish I didn't have to feel like this. Does anyone else feel like this?

mallowcup

Only a million times. There is a saddness that comes when they arent drinking. It stirs many emotions. On one hand, you feel resentment thinking this is how life could be and he seems capable of all along, afterall, he is doing it now. So..how much of this heartache was avoidable?
On the other hand, you can't trust any of it because he is one decision away from making you regret any effort of trusting it.
For me, it became a situation that I had to find a way to live around. None of it was easy and I resented that. Thats when I really realized that the peace had to coe from within me. I could not keep allowing the alcoholism to define me or chart my lifes path.
All of that business had to become something going on......over there. I could see it, keep an eye on it, but drinking or not was coincidental. It was never one or the other.
It was always some transition from one to the other.
I had always hoped some horrific thing would happen and he would never drink again, that his story would be one that inspired others. That was a wish and no more.
The need for alcohol doesnt go away, it is always peering at you from the shadows like a spiteful mistress. It is a heartless mistress.
I think in many ways that when a person stops drinking, it is the same as patching a marriage back together after an affair when the mistress keeps driving past the house.
To have recovery youhave to trust him to some degree, that's your rest in all of it and you just can't do it. It is quite an epiphany.

joyfulnoiz

wow, wish, it is good to hear from you that i am not alone!

my ah has been not drinking for a week, after he did something dangerous and i asked him to leave my house.

he didnt leave and the police said they could not force him to, so i have been back to the attorney, as divorce is my only option to get him out of here.

now he is "sober" and pretending the whole thing never happened.

it just makes me angry.

eyes wide open

I understand also. When my AH is not drinking he is the man I married. We get along everything is going good. Then he decides to go and buy the booze, and it all falls apart. My AH keeps telling me he is working on it. I am so tired of hearing that. I am also at the point where a divorce is sounding better then this. I have a 10yr and he talks to me just like my AH does with so respect. I am praying for the path I need to take., and the strength to get through this.

hadenoughnow

Been there, done that. Move forward with your recovery and your plans, the chances he will drink again and that things will get worse than ever are %99.9.

steve11694

I empathize with you 100%. A divorce is not to punish him, but the way for you to regain sanity and peace of mind. There is NOTHING stopping him from recovery if he wants to married OR divorced.

If he does achieve meaningful recovery you can always reconcile post divorce.

In my case life with my aw was a nightmare til I funded her own apartment, yes it was worth it to get peace of mind. At first our home was very lonely and sad, BUT the serenity was MUCH BETTER than the chaos having her at home. Having her at home was just having the "shell" of the person she was before alcoholism. Even between drinking days she was not the person she was pre-alcoholism.

Above all; Take care of yourself!!!

Bookworm88

Yes, yes, yes...me too!!! My AH doesn't drink every day, so when he is sober (and not in one of his negative moods) I see what it could be like if he gave up the drinking for good. I start thinking maybe I am nuts for wanting to leave. Then he drinks again and I am right back where I started.

Sending you a hug -

LorraeOz

A few of us seem to be in the same boat right now.

After seeking legal advice, talking to friends and family I was already to ask him to leave. My conviction was even stronger after Saturday, when in one day he managed to embarass our daughter in front of her best friend, injure himself and scare our 5yo son when he angrily demanded my car keys from me which I kept refusing to hand over.

Next day, however, he has a "wake up call" - yes, another! And he hasn't had a drink since. Could this one be his bottom, or will it turn out like all the other 'rock bottoms'. Deep down I know the answer to this, but it makes it so difficult when he's giving me breakfast in bed, chopping wood and being great with the kids.

It's a terrible thing to think, but I want him to fail, then I will feel strong again.

Take care

wish he'd quit

I feel the same in that I want him to fail. Then I won't feel so crazy for wanting to leave. He claims he has been sober for 5 days to make me happy. My reply to him was that he will no longer "do things" for me. He needs to do them for himself. He makes his own decisions. I can not make him do anything. It actually feels really good to finally stand up to the manipulation that I have put up with for 10 years.

sunshine321

I'm in the same boat but there is one difference with me now. I finally said the unmentionable and put the threat out there. I thought it many, many, many times but now that I've finally said it out loud, I have to go through with it. Although what my family has been through in the past two weeks was the worst yet, I'm not sure I believe this sobriety stint either. He has voluntarily checked himself into an IOP and has reported every day he is to be there. He went to a meeting the one day he had off. I didn't ask or threaten him to enter the treatment. He knew he had done the unthinkable and his own embarassment led him to the decision. Is it his bottom? Who knows. I can't concern myself with that anymore. Who knows if he even has a bottom. I am trying my best to live my life one day at a time. I am trying not to freak out because I now have to leave if he pulls one of his weekly benders. I said I was done, I'd had enough and that I was going to pack up my kids and leave him if he leaves and doesn't come home one more night. I made myself perfectly clear. I don't regret saying it. I meant it and still do. I am at the end of the line.

When you reach the end, completely fed up with the bs, all of you will stop believing the lies that's when you will do whatever it is you have to, divorce, separation or just living your own life in the same house. When you are done. Truly cannot take another moment of the lies, the emotional abuse, the manipulating, etc. You need to take care of you. I have made myself the priority and I'm not losing my focus anymore no matter what ASO says. No matter how selfish he says I am, no matter how mad he gets and no matter how afraid I am. I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! Thank you.

J

LucyA

what did it for me, with my brother, was realising I was as dependant on his next drink as he is/was. My moods and behaviour used to change with his drink patterns and his moods. I realised how much his drinking or not drinking was affecting me. When I realsied that I had to change things about me and detach from him.
I didn't make any demands, didn't threaten him with anything, didn't ask him to change, I changed myself and my own life and I made my life much happier by doing so.

wish he'd quit

Wow Sunshine I can relate to your post so much. Alot of that is what I am feeling right now.

gmc

Hi guys, I only want to say that this post gave me great insight today.

thanks.

gmc