hope45

In the month since I quit drinking, I’ve gained some insight into my behavior during the time leading up to my decision to quit. I don’t think it’s anything that hasn’t already been said by many others here on SR, but I thought I’d share it with the hope that it might help someone else.

I, like many others, went through a long period (years!) of trying to control my drinking. I realized long ago that I had a drinking problem, and eventually decided I was “probably” an alcoholic.

I am, by nature, a very logical thinker. I like to be in control of things. When I face a problem or challenge in life, I think it through and come up with a plan to solve the problem or meet the challenge. If plan A doesn’t work, I try plan B.

So, when I admitted to myself that I had a serious problem with alcohol, I came up with a plan. I would only drink on special occasions. You know, birthdays, holidays, nice dinners out, that type of thing. Well, that didn’t work because with a little creativity, almost every day could be considered a special occasion. Hmm, plan B. I wouldn’t have more than 2 drinks a day. So Day 1, I had 2 drinks. Day 2, I had 4 drinks. Well, that’s OK, I just wouldn’t drink on Day 3. Day 3 would roll around and I’d have 6 drinks. Back to the drawing board, I’d try plan C or decide I’d try an old plan again.

I could never seem to find the right plan. The only thing happening was that I was steadily drinking more and more, and feeling worse and worse. Why wasn’t this working, I’d wonder. I wanted it to work. It seemed like it should work. It was a simple plan. I’m a reasonably intelligent, strong person – I KNEW I could do this.

So month after month, year after year went by with me struggling to gain some control over alcohol. I was baffled. This approach worked with other things in my life. WHY COULDN’T I DO THIS??? I don’t like failure!!!! It simply was not possible that I couldn’t control my drinking.

And then one day, I woke up with an awful hangover and realized I was ready to give up the struggle. I just quit. The sense of relief I felt was incredible. Quitting drinking is a challenge but for me, that awful struggle for control over alcohol was a hundred times more difficult. There’s such a sense of peace now. It took me many years and much grief to finally figure out that the only way to win this battle is to give up.

It’s funny, in retrospect, I can see exactly how my thought processes went. But when I was in the middle of it, I couldn’t really even see what I was doing. Anyhow, there it is. I don't know if this will be helpful to anyone - maybe I just needed to write it down so I'd understand it myself!

ImJulie

You probably have no idea exactly how helpful it is to read stories like this.
Thankyou so much!:ghug

hope45

Yeah - the logic flew out the window after the first drink!

best

Are you doing any thing as far as support so you will have an easier time of staying on this path?
The logical thinking of old can return if we don't keep a watch on it.

tennis71

Amen! That sounds so familiar it is scary.

If you havent given the big book a glance, you might check it out and see how closely your story follows many others. If you have then you already know what I am talking about.

Thanks for posting!

Anna

Oh Hope, your story is very similar to mine. I was SO determined that I could manage my drinking. And, I too was incredibly relieved to finally say 'Enough'.

IO Storm

the only way to win this battle is to give up.

Hope....

Denial is not just a river in Egypt....I tried to control my drinking...when my health

improved...when my life would get a little better....on and on and on.

Then..I just plain couldn't stop even with a diagnosis of chirrosis and a prognosis of

six months to live. The disease is cunning, baffling, powerful!

We surrender to win.

The mental obsession of every alcoholic is that someday we may be able to control

our drinking..until that idea is smashed by reality.

I truly hope yours has been...and you will find a program of support to guide you in

your new life of sobriety. It is a wonderful thing!

I am an AA'er..and "it works" for me.

Love,



IO

Rusty Zipper

45, loved reading your post!

it always comfirms the alcoholic insane thinking...

the jaywalker!

with a few 24's, do i dare risk one drink?

not!

kelsh

I was a controlled drinker the last four years of my daily drinking due to my budget...I drank just so much each night...I had it figured out to the $ how much I could spend & still pay the bills & get gas for the car & groceries.

My alcohol counselor said that I was a maintenance drinker...and always had alcohol in my system because I drank at about the same time every day or I would get the shakes...couldn't even write a check to buy the beer or liquor if I waited too late in the afternoon.

I, too, felt relief when I finally stopped drinking...asked for help and followed through with all that was provided for me to help me stay quit.

It is easier to write it down than actually do it but I knew if I didn't quit I would be dead soon...so I had to decide what I wanted. I decided I wanted to quit drinking worse than anything else in my life and so did it.

I went to counseling, AA, therapy for my depression, and did a lot of soul searching as I worked the steps. It was scary to look back at that time but that was important for me to see where I had been and know where I wanted to go.

kelsh

JackieG

Thank you so very much, I am really struggling with Step 1 and that has just made me realise that the only thing standing in my way is my wanting to control my addiction. You're right it works with everything else, so it's really hard for me to understand that it doesn't work with alcohol or drugs.

Thanks again.

Lots of love
Jackie

least

Hope, you could just as well be writing my story. I too tried to 'control' my drinking but it ended up controlling me. I had no satisfaction until I gave it up altogether. Now I've got almost a month sober and feel better than I have in a year. I won't go back to the old ways, too much pain. I'm happier without it.

Tazman53

Great Post Hope, I could have written it with one exception, after 5 years of moderation I was too physically addicted to be able to quit without medical detox, I was that way for 5 more years when I finally surrendered.

1963comet

The day I just give up was the hardest day of my life. But after I did, it was a relief. I have not drank since that day years ago.

I to tried to control it for years. Just knowing today that I can never control it keeps me sober.

hope45

It’s amazing how similar our experiences are, isn’t it?

To those of you who asked whether I have a plan for maintaining my sobriety. I do. I’m not going the AA route right now, although I’m using many of the AA concepts and would be open to doing the AA program in future if what I’m doing now doesn’t work for me.

I have started getting some outside professional assistance with working through some old “baggage”. Between that, all of you at SR, and the strong family and friend network which I am fortunate to have, I do have a lot of support. It’s working for me.

Things are going very well, but I know I have to watch out for that voice that whispers in my ear “Well, that was surprisingly easy! You must not have been an alcoholic after all!” I don’t listen to that voice. I’ve seen hell and I don’t want to go back there. Ever.

mle-sober

"And then one day, I woke up with an awful hangover and realized I was ready to give up the struggle. I just quit. The sense of relief I felt was incredible."

I think this is that surrender we all talk about it. I imagine a great number, if not almost all, of us went through a period of trying to control our drinking. And it was terribly difficult because, daily, we'd have to admit we were failures.

The memory of being so incapable and so miserable as I tried and failed again and again and again is very strong for me. And I hope I never forget it. And the memory of that moment when I finally surrendered is equally strong. I try to carry it with me because, although surrender implies weakness, I expereinced it as a sudden and unexpected rush of strength and wisdom.

While all those months and months of attempting to control and manage came from a place of weakness - the letting go and the surrender came from a place of immense power that I didn't know I had and that I'd never even thought to access.

Missymae737

Wow!! Powerful words, powerful message...

Escaping the chains of addiction with what works for you be it AA, of SR, or any other recovery program will indeed bring a sense of peace like no other!!!

IO Storm

Well Done Hope 45.....

Well Done!

bodychek

All I can say is amen... thank god for this gift of sobriety and AA and for blessing me with the opportunity for another day on his earth and another chance at a happy life.