How do you detach with love?
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
How do you detach with love?
I have decided that I'm going to let my AH do what he is going to do and hit bottom all by himself and instead focus on ME!
My question is how do I detatch? How do I do it and still have feelings of love and respect for this man? How do I detatch and still try to create peace and harmony and have the best marriage possible under the cirumstances that I'm in?
I have been neglecting me for so long. I have stopped doing the things that I enjoy because I'm afraid to leave him alone for one minute because I'm afraid of what he might do. I have been snooping through his stuff looking for drugs and knowing when I find them that nothing will change unless he wants it to change. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!
So I have decided to detatch myself from his drug use, it hurts to watch someone self destruct before my eyes but I think what hurts worse is me watching me self destruct. Because now I'm lowering my standards down to his level.
My question is how do I detatch? How do I do it and still have feelings of love and respect for this man? How do I detatch and still try to create peace and harmony and have the best marriage possible under the cirumstances that I'm in?
I have been neglecting me for so long. I have stopped doing the things that I enjoy because I'm afraid to leave him alone for one minute because I'm afraid of what he might do. I have been snooping through his stuff looking for drugs and knowing when I find them that nothing will change unless he wants it to change. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!
So I have decided to detatch myself from his drug use, it hurts to watch someone self destruct before my eyes but I think what hurts worse is me watching me self destruct. Because now I'm lowering my standards down to his level.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
it takes alot of work to detach from our addicts. my addict is my son & there is no love like a mothers love. just as the addict has to work his program we have to work ours. this is not done instantly,it takes time. i took baby steps all the way but i have gotten to the place where i do not let what my son does or does not do control my every breath. just pratice,& keep up the pratice. you will get there. you can have a life that does not revolve around him. we r here for you.prayers,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 47
When I think of "detachment with love", I just translate it to something I understand through my faith: nonattachment. What this means is that every act is done with true compassion and love, but without personal, emotional involvement in the events or results. Acting to provide for a real need in the moment is not the same as taking on the responsibility for another's overall condition...and it is understanding that their overall condition does not reflect on you.
Maybe easier said than done...but try thinking of what you would do if someone you didn't know needed your help. If someone came to your door after a car accident, bleeding from the head, and asked you for help...What would you do? I'd bring them in, call an ambulance, and tend to their wound the best I could until more appropriate help arrived. I wouldn't try to nurse them back to full health on my own, take responsibility for the accident, or blame myself if they didn't survive. If they refused medical help or fought me on anything I did that could actually help them, I would tell them I couldn't do anything else for them and ask them to seek help elsewhere.
I've offered the appropriate, compassionate assistance needed at the time. I think I've acted with "love" for another human being. It is so much harder, I know, to have that attitude with someone you are close to, but I find it becomes necessary.
Maybe easier said than done...but try thinking of what you would do if someone you didn't know needed your help. If someone came to your door after a car accident, bleeding from the head, and asked you for help...What would you do? I'd bring them in, call an ambulance, and tend to their wound the best I could until more appropriate help arrived. I wouldn't try to nurse them back to full health on my own, take responsibility for the accident, or blame myself if they didn't survive. If they refused medical help or fought me on anything I did that could actually help them, I would tell them I couldn't do anything else for them and ask them to seek help elsewhere.
I've offered the appropriate, compassionate assistance needed at the time. I think I've acted with "love" for another human being. It is so much harder, I know, to have that attitude with someone you are close to, but I find it becomes necessary.
Last edited by cen616; 04-23-2008 at 06:56 AM. Reason: clarity
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
I am the mother of an addict son. I am taking small steps to detach from him. It is not easy each and every day I must work on my own recovery. Everytime I want to help him I have to put it in to prespective." If he can do it himself why do it for him" I think we have all been through the snooping and not wanting to leave them alone. All your doing is driving yourself mentally and physically crazy. I stopped seeing my friends, doing anything for myself, and when I did socialize AS was my main topic. Many people do not want to hear it, unless they have walked in our shoes with a loved one who is an addict they truly do not get it. I never thought detaching with love would give me some peace and tranquility. It has, still have bad days but nothing like the past. Be kind to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I think that when I started to take care of myself and my child, detachment started to follow automatically. I started to really focus on my actions - what I was doing and why? Was I doing it for me? Was it something I could control? Was it a decision that really belonged to him? If I wasn't together with HIM, would I make the same decision?
I started to play the tape all the way through, meaning, based on my past experience, what was the logically outcome of my decisions.
I started to set boundaries based on what I would lovingly advise someone else to do if they were in my shoes. I didn't make empty threats or promises
I started to treat myself with the kindness and respect I gave to others. I started to "do unto me the way I did unto others."
I repeated the serenity prayer over and over. I started applying it to my daily life until it became automatic.
I stopped arguing the same old arguments and started walking away if he tried to engage me in one.
I started to trust my instincts.
I developed my own interests - I forced to myself to spend time doing things I liked doing - without him. Even if he didn't like it.
I didn't wait around for him anymore. If he didn't call when he said he was going to I turned off the phone. If he didn't show up when he said he would I would always have an alternate plan and I would follow through on it immediately.
Eventually detachment became automatic for me. It wasn't something I had to think about anymore. My life wasn't wrapped up in his addiction or his lies and disappointments anymore.
I started to play the tape all the way through, meaning, based on my past experience, what was the logically outcome of my decisions.
I started to set boundaries based on what I would lovingly advise someone else to do if they were in my shoes. I didn't make empty threats or promises
I started to treat myself with the kindness and respect I gave to others. I started to "do unto me the way I did unto others."
I repeated the serenity prayer over and over. I started applying it to my daily life until it became automatic.
I stopped arguing the same old arguments and started walking away if he tried to engage me in one.
I started to trust my instincts.
I developed my own interests - I forced to myself to spend time doing things I liked doing - without him. Even if he didn't like it.
I didn't wait around for him anymore. If he didn't call when he said he was going to I turned off the phone. If he didn't show up when he said he would I would always have an alternate plan and I would follow through on it immediately.
Eventually detachment became automatic for me. It wasn't something I had to think about anymore. My life wasn't wrapped up in his addiction or his lies and disappointments anymore.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 36
Jerect I know exactly how you feel. Just today I took the huge step of telling my AH that I will not allow the pills in my home or life anymore. I told him that if I find that he has them in our home, I will leave him for good and file for divorce. I have never told him before that I would divorce him. Now, I have to stand my my word. It is frightening, because I dont know if I can. I am terrified. I know that he has not hit bottom yet, so he will eventually use again. Then what? How do I leave when Im really not ready to leave? We are currently in foreclosure and getting ready to move 1000 miles away. This puts us in such a limbo. My family is moving too, so if I find out he has used again, how can I leave to another state with our children? And if I dont leave, then i have once again enabled him. I hate what he is doing to me. I am beginning to hate him. I just want to have a normal life again. I miss who we used to be and who he promised me he would be. I just feel so helpless.
Im sorry to hijack your thread....I just wanted to share with you that you are not alone in this.
Sending prayers your way
Im sorry to hijack your thread....I just wanted to share with you that you are not alone in this.
Sending prayers your way
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Danishthorn 
Im sorry to hijack your thread....I just wanted to share with you that you are not alone in this.
Sending prayers your way
Sending prayers your way
Hijack away... It helps to know that there are others going through my hell.
This morning I found a recipet where he pawned his gold chain for 125.00. This is a chain that he never takes off his neck. I asked him where his chain was and he told me that it was cutting his neck so he took it off. I then asked him if he pawned it and he said no and then I came clean about finding the recipet. He told me he needed some spending money.. whatever. He is lying and he knows I know it.
But you know what? It doesn't matter anymore because I have to take care of Jen. I'm going to let him fall. I'm going to let him hit rock bottom. I'm going to let him feel what the other side of lonely feels like. One day, he is eaither going to get sick and tired of the way he is living and change or he is going to get sick of living all together. I'm tired of just surviving, I want to thrive.
A part of me wants to go down to the pawn shop and get his necklace back and keep it untill he recovers but the other part of me is not going to do that. He chose to sell it and spend the money on pills so he will have to pay the consequences. It's high time he took responsiblity for his actions.
I'm going to try to be the best wife I can be under the circumstances we are under but I'm no longer going to beg him to get sober, or enable him in any way. If he doesn't like it and choses to leave then so be it. I will be the one that will be better off.
I have come to the conclusions that no amount of marriage counseling, or meetings is going to get him sober. He is the one that has to make that decision.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Danish, good for you for getting that out there. Take things one step at a time. You have told him. Now would be a good idea to start making an escape plan. You don't have to follow through, but just have one ready... just in case you need it. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Have you ever thought that maybe leaving him is going to put him one step closer to the bottom. Maybe that's what he needs in order to get better. Maybe staying is making him sicker because it's not making him any better...
Hang in there. You are stronger than you know. I like what someone posted on a different thread. Focus on the fact that he is a frog now. Not that you used to think he was Prince Charming.
Have you ever thought that maybe leaving him is going to put him one step closer to the bottom. Maybe that's what he needs in order to get better. Maybe staying is making him sicker because it's not making him any better...
Hang in there. You are stronger than you know. I like what someone posted on a different thread. Focus on the fact that he is a frog now. Not that you used to think he was Prince Charming.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 115
Thank you for posting this thread. I am in a similar situation and hurting today. He has just worn me down and all the confrontations are making my decision to divorce even firmer. I choose to keep and treasure the happy memories we have had in one part of my heart, but keep ever-mindful the painful lessons that have come from his addiction in another part of my heart. How? I try to think of what it would be like if, when my kids grow older and have relationships of their own, they were to call me with information about their significant other the way I have had to call my mom. Somebody has to put a stop to this craziness...
My husband and I are seperated seven weeks now. His u-test came back with cocaine and mj in it a few days ago and he is using every excuse in the book to try and invalidate the test, begging, repeatedly calling and telling me that I am throwing everything away over one incorrect test, over one little drug showing up on a test is giving a false positive ...even going so far as to ask me if I would find him a place that does lie detector tests so he can prove he is not using... gimme a break.
Bottom line is, that u-test would be upheld in any court of law in this country as evidence that he still used after we seperated. No matter what the addict justifications are, no matter how hurtful and nasty he is toward me, I cannot allow the chance of the addiction and probability of emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical chance of relapse back into my home.
This being said,
I do and did love him... I have room in my heart to love those happy moments and memories we shared. I also have room in my heart to feel the brokenness of my family and hate what the addiction has done to all of us.
The thing is, the love I have and had for him is mine. I will always have it and it is mine to do with as I wish. That does not mean that I am willing take my life or the lives of my kids, scoop it up like dice in my hands, mix it all up, and throw it out there for my addict husband to do with as his addiction tells him to. I am not willing to allow my day-to-day life to be ruled by how hubby is dealing with his addiction... I am worthy of cherishing my good memories while using the horrible experiences as a motivation to learn how to not be at the mercy of someone else's addiction.
I guess I am trying to say, hearts are bigger than we give them credit for... for those of us who are letting go, accepting ourselves and our addict for who we really are, and acknowledging the freedom that comes with loving detatchment, we don't have to push out the good memories in order to set boundaries. We don't have to pretend there are no bad memories or experiences just to hold on to the good. We can simply move forward with our life plan, allow the feelings to come and go, and know that we are not alone in our journey.
Because of your posts in this thread, I know that I am not alone in my journey. Thank you so deeply for that.
My husband and I are seperated seven weeks now. His u-test came back with cocaine and mj in it a few days ago and he is using every excuse in the book to try and invalidate the test, begging, repeatedly calling and telling me that I am throwing everything away over one incorrect test, over one little drug showing up on a test is giving a false positive ...even going so far as to ask me if I would find him a place that does lie detector tests so he can prove he is not using... gimme a break.
Bottom line is, that u-test would be upheld in any court of law in this country as evidence that he still used after we seperated. No matter what the addict justifications are, no matter how hurtful and nasty he is toward me, I cannot allow the chance of the addiction and probability of emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical chance of relapse back into my home.
This being said,
I do and did love him... I have room in my heart to love those happy moments and memories we shared. I also have room in my heart to feel the brokenness of my family and hate what the addiction has done to all of us.
The thing is, the love I have and had for him is mine. I will always have it and it is mine to do with as I wish. That does not mean that I am willing take my life or the lives of my kids, scoop it up like dice in my hands, mix it all up, and throw it out there for my addict husband to do with as his addiction tells him to. I am not willing to allow my day-to-day life to be ruled by how hubby is dealing with his addiction... I am worthy of cherishing my good memories while using the horrible experiences as a motivation to learn how to not be at the mercy of someone else's addiction.
I guess I am trying to say, hearts are bigger than we give them credit for... for those of us who are letting go, accepting ourselves and our addict for who we really are, and acknowledging the freedom that comes with loving detatchment, we don't have to push out the good memories in order to set boundaries. We don't have to pretend there are no bad memories or experiences just to hold on to the good. We can simply move forward with our life plan, allow the feelings to come and go, and know that we are not alone in our journey.
Because of your posts in this thread, I know that I am not alone in my journey. Thank you so deeply for that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 8
Jerect... I know how you're feeling... although we talked about it, we're not married. Right now I don't know if I could detach myself 100% since I love him so much, but I have to remind myself every day that this is not the same person I fell in love with. That person left a long time ago. As much as it hurts, I had to let him go b/c my eyes were opened to the extent of his sickness. He needs to focus on getting better. I look at it like this: If he cant take care of himself, how could he possibly take care of me?
I believed every time he told me it was the last time, every excuse for any time he used, for every job he lost, every missing item, I believed him. Just remind yourself that his addiction has taken over... look at it like someone who looks like him physically.. just not the same person. Of course you'll still love him, but it gets to the point where you're emotionally exhausted and become numb.. don't entertain your mind ONLY with the good memories.. it'll just make it harder.. i did it for too long! Inevitably you'll think about them, but think about the bad times too. Strangely, it helps you get stronger!
I hope you find the strength you need!! Take care of yourself!!
I believed every time he told me it was the last time, every excuse for any time he used, for every job he lost, every missing item, I believed him. Just remind yourself that his addiction has taken over... look at it like someone who looks like him physically.. just not the same person. Of course you'll still love him, but it gets to the point where you're emotionally exhausted and become numb.. don't entertain your mind ONLY with the good memories.. it'll just make it harder.. i did it for too long! Inevitably you'll think about them, but think about the bad times too. Strangely, it helps you get stronger!
I hope you find the strength you need!! Take care of yourself!!
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Thank You all for all of your posts. It's so comforting to know that I'm not going through this journey of hell alone.
With that being said, I'm not going to let this be a journey of hell any longer. For me it is going to be a journey of growth. For my AH, well if he stays on the path he is on it will always be hell.
I'm going to take the advice that a friend of my AH's mother who is 20 + years sober told me. She told me to write down who the person was that I fell in love with, not the person that he has become or whom I wish he would be but the person he was when I fell in love with him. She told me to focus on that and to read it often when the times got tough. She told me not to make any major decisions about my marriage for a whole year. During this year, she told me to focus on Jen. To focus on my journey and my recovery. I'm going to try to do that.
I'm going to turn all of this over to my HP and for a whole year focus on me. I figure eaither my AH will follow suit in his own recovery and desire the change he hopefully sees in his wife or he will continue to spiral down and which in this case I will end our marriage because I will not live like this for the rest of my life. I figure I have nothing to lose and eaither way will be a win win situation for me.
I don't even know where to begin but I trust that my HP will lead me in the right direction.
I want to that everyone again who has helped me through my struggles today. This board is an amazing support system and I'm so fortunate to have found it. I have never met any of you guys but I love you all...
With that being said, I'm not going to let this be a journey of hell any longer. For me it is going to be a journey of growth. For my AH, well if he stays on the path he is on it will always be hell.
I'm going to take the advice that a friend of my AH's mother who is 20 + years sober told me. She told me to write down who the person was that I fell in love with, not the person that he has become or whom I wish he would be but the person he was when I fell in love with him. She told me to focus on that and to read it often when the times got tough. She told me not to make any major decisions about my marriage for a whole year. During this year, she told me to focus on Jen. To focus on my journey and my recovery. I'm going to try to do that.
I'm going to turn all of this over to my HP and for a whole year focus on me. I figure eaither my AH will follow suit in his own recovery and desire the change he hopefully sees in his wife or he will continue to spiral down and which in this case I will end our marriage because I will not live like this for the rest of my life. I figure I have nothing to lose and eaither way will be a win win situation for me.
I don't even know where to begin but I trust that my HP will lead me in the right direction.
I want to that everyone again who has helped me through my struggles today. This board is an amazing support system and I'm so fortunate to have found it. I have never met any of you guys but I love you all...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 115
Sounds like a plan... a plan that is win-win for you. Stick to the plan. I had to come up with a plan also, and am so glad I did. When the manipulation and badgering has worn me down, the plan has kept me going. Bon voyage on your journey... see ya on the road to being happy and healthy!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Jerect,
Detaching with love is a very hard thing to do and it takes work everyday. My daughter was a drug addict for 6yrs. Presently clean. It is still a struggle to detach from her.
I do agree with the theory that if they can do it for themselves, then you shouldn't do it for them. I also set boundaries that I can live with. I have also learned not to expect her to do what I would necessarily do. That way I don't get let down.
I've also learned to take care of myself and do the things that make me feel good. I do have days that I just want to isolate. I let myself do that because sometimes that is just what I need to do. It is quite a journey, for the most part I let life unfold just the way it is intended to and just go with it.
Take care, Hugs..........Lo
Detaching with love is a very hard thing to do and it takes work everyday. My daughter was a drug addict for 6yrs. Presently clean. It is still a struggle to detach from her.
I do agree with the theory that if they can do it for themselves, then you shouldn't do it for them. I also set boundaries that I can live with. I have also learned not to expect her to do what I would necessarily do. That way I don't get let down.
I've also learned to take care of myself and do the things that make me feel good. I do have days that I just want to isolate. I let myself do that because sometimes that is just what I need to do. It is quite a journey, for the most part I let life unfold just the way it is intended to and just go with it.
Take care, Hugs..........Lo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
((jerect)) and all trying to detach with love.
I've been there.
As they say sharing, what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.
Just my personal experience.... not what I would have liked to have been my story, or anyone elses for that matter.
My experience became and is today.
The phrase "detachment with love" changed... it used to be love for my husband. It became love for my children and myself.
I just don't believe it is always possible to detach from a using addict with love.
Just personal experience.. You can't imagine the wreckage and longterm consequences that can occur in a year while living with an addict. Especially when we start to change and detach. It is a cunning and baffling disease as they say.
Sadly I believe that the detachment with love is affected my others that we are powerless over. Mainly the addict.
Situations can be different. I can only speak to my personal. My ex's DOC is crack cocaine. Though he does not want to give it up, he also does not want to let go of his children. A very dangerous lifestyle along with dangerous people.
I'm sorry I can not love a person who has hurt my children the way he has and continues to.
As they say in the big book- eventually terminal insanity. I don't know if he is one of those. I do know that today, he is not the father, husband or person the kids and I knew and loved. That makes me sad and not just for us but him.
Like many others I had a very hard time with that "in sickness and in health." I also thought I could love him through it, pray him through it, nurse him through it, wait him out of it.
Today the way I am personally working on it.
I try to turn it over to my higher power- I TRY to remove myself. Ask HIM to to the judging, the forgiving and the loving.
Totally powerless over him. But I am powerful over myself. My ex is an adult, he can take care of himself and others are more than willing and able to. AA-Naranon.
A lot of people in those rooms. A lot of help there if one is really willing and wants sobriety and recovery. He does not need my help.
My responsibility is to love and take care of my children and myself. Sadly that doesn't feel like detaching with love to him. Nor does it to me either.
I regret I couldn't..
As I say this- I still have hope for ALL the addicts out there!!
Sorry this is so long- would like to share one more story.
I know a woman who loved her husband very much, his disease was not chemical dependancy but a neurological one.
Watching her husband suffer as he did was making her sick. Though she had the money to, even 24 hour nursing care did not help her. Eventually she had to admit she couldn't live like that anymore. She had to put him into a nursing home.
It wasn't lack of love for him- He knew that. Now that's a love story to me!!
I've been there.
As they say sharing, what it was like, what happened and what it is like now.
Just my personal experience.... not what I would have liked to have been my story, or anyone elses for that matter.
My experience became and is today.
The phrase "detachment with love" changed... it used to be love for my husband. It became love for my children and myself.
I just don't believe it is always possible to detach from a using addict with love.
Just personal experience.. You can't imagine the wreckage and longterm consequences that can occur in a year while living with an addict. Especially when we start to change and detach. It is a cunning and baffling disease as they say.
Sadly I believe that the detachment with love is affected my others that we are powerless over. Mainly the addict.
Situations can be different. I can only speak to my personal. My ex's DOC is crack cocaine. Though he does not want to give it up, he also does not want to let go of his children. A very dangerous lifestyle along with dangerous people.
I'm sorry I can not love a person who has hurt my children the way he has and continues to.
As they say in the big book- eventually terminal insanity. I don't know if he is one of those. I do know that today, he is not the father, husband or person the kids and I knew and loved. That makes me sad and not just for us but him.
Like many others I had a very hard time with that "in sickness and in health." I also thought I could love him through it, pray him through it, nurse him through it, wait him out of it.
Today the way I am personally working on it.
I try to turn it over to my higher power- I TRY to remove myself. Ask HIM to to the judging, the forgiving and the loving.
Totally powerless over him. But I am powerful over myself. My ex is an adult, he can take care of himself and others are more than willing and able to. AA-Naranon.
A lot of people in those rooms. A lot of help there if one is really willing and wants sobriety and recovery. He does not need my help.
My responsibility is to love and take care of my children and myself. Sadly that doesn't feel like detaching with love to him. Nor does it to me either.
I regret I couldn't..
As I say this- I still have hope for ALL the addicts out there!!
Sorry this is so long- would like to share one more story.
I know a woman who loved her husband very much, his disease was not chemical dependancy but a neurological one.
Watching her husband suffer as he did was making her sick. Though she had the money to, even 24 hour nursing care did not help her. Eventually she had to admit she couldn't live like that anymore. She had to put him into a nursing home.
It wasn't lack of love for him- He knew that. Now that's a love story to me!!
Last edited by StillLearning1; 04-23-2008 at 11:03 PM. Reason: I shouldn't type when I am tired!!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 115
Great post, StillLearning! Each experience shared on this thread reflects another facet of the common bond we have. I am glad you wrote what you did; I see a lot of love in that post. You are so right when you metioned about how your husband is a grown man capable of getting help if he needs to, and that there are others (kids) who do not have that ability and need someone to be their healthy parent and advocate. Good for you for recognizing and moving forward with this plan of action.
I am also glad that you brought up HP and how HP is the source for judging, forgiving and loving.
Although your method and plan for detatchment may not feel like love, that is the highest and most honorable form of love that you could give yourself, your children, and your addict. You are really doing great and are right "where you need to be." Your actions are what counts and you are going about this with a good perspective; the feelings will follow.
It is more important to recognize that Prince Charming has turned back into a frog, than pretend he is still Prince Charming.
Way to go!:ghug3
I am also glad that you brought up HP and how HP is the source for judging, forgiving and loving.
Although your method and plan for detatchment may not feel like love, that is the highest and most honorable form of love that you could give yourself, your children, and your addict. You are really doing great and are right "where you need to be." Your actions are what counts and you are going about this with a good perspective; the feelings will follow.
It is more important to recognize that Prince Charming has turned back into a frog, than pretend he is still Prince Charming.
Way to go!:ghug3
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((((Jen)))))))))
Sorry for your pain, sweetie.
I, for one, had to detach in anger first. I was enabling and saving
my son right into his grave.
I was a crying, worrying mess for 4 years. The last year before his rock bottom, he robbed my house. I never in my life imagined my child stealing from
me. When he did and I had him arrested, I knew that it was my time to work on me in recovery from codependency. It took some time, but I was serious about it. I wanted to Let Go and the only way that was going to happen was for me to be mad at my son for a while. Don't get me wrong. I never stopped
loving him. I never stopped seeing him or talking to him. I stopped feeling like
it was my job, my responsibility, to make him stop using drugs. I stopped trying to control him. Letting every waking thought be on him.
It takes time to detach. But once your there...Wow!
Now you may slip up every now and then. But if you practice, keep your boundries intact, and stay focused on you, you bounce right back into your own recovery. It'll only get better and better for ya.
I thank God first. Then I thank BigSis, Historyteach, Ann, Greet, Hope213,
and so many others that touched my heart, shared their wisdom, and opened up a window that I had long ago nailed shut. They were my blessing in probably, the darkest hours of my life. Hey Ladies!!!!!!!!!! Love ya! Mean it!
Stick with these folks here, Jerect. You won't regret it. Promise.
Hugs,
Sorry for your pain, sweetie.
I, for one, had to detach in anger first. I was enabling and saving
my son right into his grave.
I was a crying, worrying mess for 4 years. The last year before his rock bottom, he robbed my house. I never in my life imagined my child stealing from
me. When he did and I had him arrested, I knew that it was my time to work on me in recovery from codependency. It took some time, but I was serious about it. I wanted to Let Go and the only way that was going to happen was for me to be mad at my son for a while. Don't get me wrong. I never stopped
loving him. I never stopped seeing him or talking to him. I stopped feeling like
it was my job, my responsibility, to make him stop using drugs. I stopped trying to control him. Letting every waking thought be on him.
It takes time to detach. But once your there...Wow!
Now you may slip up every now and then. But if you practice, keep your boundries intact, and stay focused on you, you bounce right back into your own recovery. It'll only get better and better for ya.
I thank God first. Then I thank BigSis, Historyteach, Ann, Greet, Hope213,
and so many others that touched my heart, shared their wisdom, and opened up a window that I had long ago nailed shut. They were my blessing in probably, the darkest hours of my life. Hey Ladies!!!!!!!!!! Love ya! Mean it!
Stick with these folks here, Jerect. You won't regret it. Promise.
Hugs,
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
It's been two days since I have decided to detatch from my husband's addiction and I feel so much peace within myself. Don't get me wrong, I have a long road ahead of me but for right now I'm taking this one day at a time.
I feel strongly in my heart that my husband has relapsed. I came home for lunch yesterday and his pupils were small like a pin *****. A month ago, hell a week ago, I would have badgered him about it but I decided it wasn't worth fighting over. All I would get would be another lie if I asked him about it.
On a positive note, My husband is still attending meetings a couple of times a week. Not as many meetings as I would like but he is the one in charge of his recovery not me. I still hold on to that hope that he wants help but he is not quite ready to surrender to his demons. Maybe some where and sometime soon something will click for him in a meeting but I cannot make it click for him.
Making the decison to detach has been one of the best things I could have done for myself. It doesn't mean that I don't love him because I do so very much. Right now it doesn't mean that I don't want to be married to him because I haven't given up on our marriage just yet. But it does mean that I have chosen to live life rather then survive life. It means that I have entrusted my higher power to take care of what I cannot change and to lead me in the direction to change what I can and that is me.
I feel strongly in my heart that my husband has relapsed. I came home for lunch yesterday and his pupils were small like a pin *****. A month ago, hell a week ago, I would have badgered him about it but I decided it wasn't worth fighting over. All I would get would be another lie if I asked him about it.
On a positive note, My husband is still attending meetings a couple of times a week. Not as many meetings as I would like but he is the one in charge of his recovery not me. I still hold on to that hope that he wants help but he is not quite ready to surrender to his demons. Maybe some where and sometime soon something will click for him in a meeting but I cannot make it click for him.
Making the decison to detach has been one of the best things I could have done for myself. It doesn't mean that I don't love him because I do so very much. Right now it doesn't mean that I don't want to be married to him because I haven't given up on our marriage just yet. But it does mean that I have chosen to live life rather then survive life. It means that I have entrusted my higher power to take care of what I cannot change and to lead me in the direction to change what I can and that is me.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
((((Jen)))) you sound strong and healthy taking these steps to take care of you...Great job! I like the idea your AH's mom's friend gave you; I'm sur eshe is a great source of support. I hope you have found some Naranon or Alanon meetings too...Surrounding myself with recovery really helped me stay focused on me and off my addicted loved one. Hugs
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