A Little Sad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
A Little Sad
Its my sisters 40th birthday tomorrow and I so dearly wanted to see her. She went into the detox centre Monday but today they told her they can not accept her into the live in rehab centre because of this and that.
Cruel I thought and I wanted to call them and ask why not? She has been in this particular one 5 times and was kicked out. They did an assessment on her and decided they wouldnt take her in again. I guess they dont see shes ready, not sure. I mean, what do you do when a rehab centre wont take her. She will now relapse Im sure due to feeling bad again.
Im unsure whether to let this go or help her find another one. Trouble is shes been to most of them.
Its like here I go again, why am I getting involved. I feel like Im responsible for her to have a nice birthday but my family doesnt seem interested. WOW at the moment I seem to be buying into this again. What would you do?
Cruel I thought and I wanted to call them and ask why not? She has been in this particular one 5 times and was kicked out. They did an assessment on her and decided they wouldnt take her in again. I guess they dont see shes ready, not sure. I mean, what do you do when a rehab centre wont take her. She will now relapse Im sure due to feeling bad again.
Im unsure whether to let this go or help her find another one. Trouble is shes been to most of them.
Its like here I go again, why am I getting involved. I feel like Im responsible for her to have a nice birthday but my family doesnt seem interested. WOW at the moment I seem to be buying into this again. What would you do?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
You're not responsible for her having a nice birthday, or anything else about her life.
If she wants a nice birthday she's adult enough to make it so herself, and the same goes for the rest of her life.
I really do know how you feel though, it's hard to let brothers and sisters find their own way when all you want to do is wave a magic wand and make it all better for them.
Just a thought, but if it wasnt her birthday, or even her 40th would you be feeling differently?
If she wants a nice birthday she's adult enough to make it so herself, and the same goes for the rest of her life.
I really do know how you feel though, it's hard to let brothers and sisters find their own way when all you want to do is wave a magic wand and make it all better for them.
Just a thought, but if it wasnt her birthday, or even her 40th would you be feeling differently?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
I am a new member having been in a relationship for the last 2 years. We have a child and are just about to get married. I discovered that she was an alcoholic some time into our relationship and well after I had fallen in love with her.
The last tiem she drank heavily was a week ago and I suddenly realised that it's her life. I love her and will take her as she is. I will support her and help her as far as I can but that is all you can do. I am much more relaxed as a result.
Your sister knows what she is doing, see may not be able to help it or to control herself but please do not think you can control her. You will send yourself to an early grave. Just support her when she needs support, don't judge her (although I know that's hard) and do what you can reasonably do.
Bottom line is that you have a life too. Don't let her choices spoil that for you.
Nic
The last tiem she drank heavily was a week ago and I suddenly realised that it's her life. I love her and will take her as she is. I will support her and help her as far as I can but that is all you can do. I am much more relaxed as a result.
Your sister knows what she is doing, see may not be able to help it or to control herself but please do not think you can control her. You will send yourself to an early grave. Just support her when she needs support, don't judge her (although I know that's hard) and do what you can reasonably do.
Bottom line is that you have a life too. Don't let her choices spoil that for you.
Nic
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
This reading has always been a good one for me to refer to:
Courage to Change. One Day at a Time in Al Anon II January 14
I learned in Al Anon that I’m bound to fail to make someone else stop drinking because I am powerless over alcoholism. Others in the fellowship had failed as well, yet they seemed almost happy to admit it. In time I understood: By letting go of this battle we were sure to lose, we became free.
Gradually I learned that nothing I did or did not do would convince my loved one to get sober. I understood intellectually, but it took time before I believed it in my heart. Frequent Al Anon meetings, phone calls, and reading of Al Anon literature were indispensable to this learning process.
Later, when my loved one chose sobriety, I found new ways to apply this principle of powerlessness. Although I was tempted to check up on the number of meetings attended and to protect the alcoholic from anything upsetting, I had accepted that nothing I could do would make or break another person’s sobriety. After a while, I saw that my fears had little to do with the alcoholic. Instead, they indicated that I needed to work my program.
Today’s Reminder:
When I am able to admit that I am powerless over alcohol, my life becomes more manageable. Today I will take the path to personal freedom and serenity that begins when I surrender.
“Our spiritual growth is unlimited and our reward endless if we try to bring this program into every phase of our daily lives.” – The Twelve Steps and Traditions
Courage to Change. One Day at a Time in Al Anon II January 14
I learned in Al Anon that I’m bound to fail to make someone else stop drinking because I am powerless over alcoholism. Others in the fellowship had failed as well, yet they seemed almost happy to admit it. In time I understood: By letting go of this battle we were sure to lose, we became free.
Gradually I learned that nothing I did or did not do would convince my loved one to get sober. I understood intellectually, but it took time before I believed it in my heart. Frequent Al Anon meetings, phone calls, and reading of Al Anon literature were indispensable to this learning process.
Later, when my loved one chose sobriety, I found new ways to apply this principle of powerlessness. Although I was tempted to check up on the number of meetings attended and to protect the alcoholic from anything upsetting, I had accepted that nothing I could do would make or break another person’s sobriety. After a while, I saw that my fears had little to do with the alcoholic. Instead, they indicated that I needed to work my program.
Today’s Reminder:
When I am able to admit that I am powerless over alcohol, my life becomes more manageable. Today I will take the path to personal freedom and serenity that begins when I surrender.
“Our spiritual growth is unlimited and our reward endless if we try to bring this program into every phase of our daily lives.” – The Twelve Steps and Traditions
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by justjo 
Its like here I go again, why am I getting involved. I feel like Im responsible for her to have a nice birthday but my family doesnt seem interested. WOW at the moment I seem to be buying into this again. What would you do?
She is an adult, capable of finding help on her own. You can be drawn in only if you allow yourself to be. Only you can decide if that is what you want to do for yourself.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
As much as you love your sister, it's possible that the greatest birthday gift you can give her is to step back and allow her the dignity of hew own choices and her own consequences. I've known many A's who say the day they hit their bottom was ~ in retrospect ~ one of the greatest days of their lives.
Take extra good care of you, Jo.
Cats
Take extra good care of you, Jo.
Cats
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I have to slap myself a few times now and again, so I realize what Im doing. Honestly, I know I cant stop this, I really do. Just every now and then, I just want to have lunch or coffee or just a moment with her. She may be an alcoholic but she is human. I know she is an adult but honestly no, childlike. I have honestly stopped trying to save her but as I said once in a while (like birthdays, christmas, etc etc) I think well, why cant we all see her for her 40th Birthday geezzzze. Dignity, yes, I think she has to have some of that.
I know she has to get to her worst (whatever that is) so in the meantime I will treat her with respect no matter what I really think of all of this.
Thanks for your replies.
I know she has to get to her worst (whatever that is) so in the meantime I will treat her with respect no matter what I really think of all of this.
Thanks for your replies.
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