Help with what to do, just don't know

Old 04-22-2008, 05:47 AM
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Help with what to do, just don't know

My addict partner left us, for that reason, it was all just using using using, all the things that junkies do. At first he kept in touch, ringing with hope in his heart, then the calls came further and further apart. Until Sunday, when I got a text from the brother, asking did I want to pass a message on, A had rung him that morning, and the brother was ringing him back the next day. I asked that he pass on the new phone no.s, and e-mail we have, then had a few drinks talking with his wife, pretending that I was fine with the situation, and I was over being ignored and rejected and my life is now really great.
I last spoke to my addict on a very bad day, school fees were to be paid, boring bills, and my job hours were also cut back - all on that day. So, I cried alot and told him he was coming across as an ********, not putting in for the kids, and not contacting us very often, his response..'next time I ring could you just lie and say that everything is allright'. Hmmm...That was 3 months ago, and since, no contact, except for the fines in the mail from the car he took which is rego'd in my name - they let me know he's not dead.

So, now I know he can ring his brother, so he could ring me - but is choosing not to. Thanks to all the wonderful people on this site recommending Melody Beattie's books, I've been able to read them and adopt new ways of living that are making me feel better and good. But, since sunday, I've checked all the message collectors in the house a billion times, whilst walking around questioning absoloutely everything about myself and the 10 year relationship that I had, but in a different way to when I made the decision to make myself healthy and strong and fit and gorgeous again.

Do I get the number and try and talk with my partner? Or do I just continue to let it go, and find better ways to deal with this all consuming sadness - suggestions welcome, I feel that there's nothing else I could do to feel better about this not talking to me business. I walk I juice, I clean, I talk, then the minute I stop, it's all just sadness, sadness sadness. I'm a bit lost again
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Old 04-22-2008, 06:22 AM
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Isn't Melody Beattie great? Keep re-reading her books! I like that you can just open them up and start reading anywhere and get something new every time.

As far as your partner goes, do you really want a junkie in your house and around the kids? Do you want him back bad enough to subject yourself and your family to him?

Time and space may fix things. You can't make him love you. You can't make him sober. You can't make him want to straighten out his life. He has to be ready and willing and as co-dependents, we want to be ready and willing for the addicts. I know you've heard that you have to let him fall and I do believe that. I've rescued my AH a couple of times now so I'm not so sure he'll stay sober as long as he did the first time when he did it for him. I don't know that I've done him (or us) any favors.

Keep reading, keep posting, keep believing that you can do life without him (and probably better). One day, the lonliness won't be all consuming and the pain will be little more bearable. It's a slow process but you must detach for all of your sakes. Stay busy and go to meetings if you can swing it.
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Old 04-22-2008, 09:17 AM
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Sounds like you have been working hard on taking care of you, your children and trying to focus on the Next Right Thing in your life. Congratulations on those accomplishments - those are wonderful things for you and your family.

I can also understand the thoughts of wanting to reach out to the A, want to contact them and talk to them, etc.
Before I do this, I try to ask myself these questions (maybe this may help you)

What do I hope to gain by contacting __________?
Has _________ shown any signs of changing thier addict behaviors?
Why do I think this time will be different from all the other times?
Am I willing to give up everything I have worked for to go back to the way I lived before?
Why do I believe I have to "try" to make __________ love me and the children?
Don't I deserve respect and dignity so that I don't have to beg __________ to come home to provide financial and emotional support for me?

I know these are not easy questions - they are so very tough for me and I continue with the internal battle for my self-esteem and self-worth that I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.

I also know that by allowing giving myself this respect & dignity, I am also showing respect & dignity to the A's in my life. The respect & dignity for them to make their own choices and for me to make mine.

There is no timeframe on healing thru this process - please be gentle with yourself, allow yourself time to heal.

Wishing you Serenity, Joy and Healing,
Rita
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Old 04-22-2008, 02:09 PM
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Thankyou all very very much. When I started posting thankyou's it was 5.45 in the morning, it is now 6.38. I had a wonderful little post going, then my hard drive **** itself and decided it was going back to bed. Anyway, all is appearing better now, but for my train of thought....I woke up this morning to a screaming, wet, miserable baby girl. But it was ok - I'm not hung over, I'm not hanging out, and I truly, genuinely like me.
thankyou japico5, I try to talk to myself in that way all the time, I've re-read your post a few times, filling in the blanks and heartily shouting, (soft quiet 6.30 in the morning shouting) NO!!!, I DON'T HAVE TO!!!, YES I DO!!!!, all in a good happy way. It makes such a difference to have people in your house, reading and listening to what you say, and knowing that they actually know what they are talking about when it comes to addicts and the way you feel about them, and yourself when affected by them. The last few days though, I was so tired by my own voice, and I thankyou for being another voice to encourage me to just keep it up.
And to you, Mrs Magoo, (feeling all Dr Seuss here), you sound like you've been there to!! It is just so good for me to have interaction with others that know. I've had to do most of this solo, I just don't have a support network, which is why I started reading and reading and reading and reading this site, ALOT. I'm pretty sure there is no nar anon in my backwater, hick village - but then I have a pm with nar anon links in aus, so I shall check again. I would love to go to one, but my town is pretty small........All in all, you may all, even just the readers, 'cos we're all just mass right//, congratulate yourselves on helping me to be able to say, (and believe), 'Right, well, that's a bit rude. Act 1,000,987,463,542, of how to be a not very nice person, starring my exaddict. No I will not keep checking for messages, I will not send messages inquiring as to whether any are being passed on, and I will just get back on the road that I was on, with my happiness, healing and health.' Which REALLY, is so much nicer.............I think I'm having another shift.........
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Old 04-22-2008, 02:42 PM
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Hi. Just wanted to welcome you into the fold of recovering codies.
Even though your going through spurts and stalls of sadness...it's okay.
It's normal. Soberrecovery saved me when I first arrived. My adult son was
the addict in my life. Due to growing up in total dysfunction and alcoholism/addiction as a key player in family relationships, I married into it. I've been divorced from my ah for 18 years now.
Melodie Beattie is a wonderful woman, yes?
Another book that may interest you is "Better Boundries: Owning and
Treasuring Your Life" by Jan Black and Greg Enns.
Have recently finished it and wow!
I'm sorry that you've suffered sadness and heartache. With time and
recovery, I've a feeling that things will start looking much better for you and your children.
Keep coming back.
Sending prayers for strength and perseverance,
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Old 04-23-2008, 06:10 AM
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welcome to S.R. in my opinion i would let him go. why do you want to put the misery back into your life. take care of you there is nothing u can do for him.prayers,
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