SweetPea22

Hello! I'm new here and honestly, I joined because I'm very thankful that I don't feel as if I'm alone anymore like
if "nobody understands what I'm going through". My journey started two years ago when I fell head over heels for
the most amazing guy I've ever met in my life!

The first year was absolutely amazing. Then the disappearing began.
It started off as a couple hours, the overnight to a couple days, then a week. The first time he was gone for a
week I felt as if I could die! I couldn't eat or sleep, 5 minutes felt like an hour.. I was a mess!! This was
happening reguarly for about 6 months, every month, in and out of rehab .. until he got caught with crack and
arrested. He got lucky!!! Somehow the charges were on their way to getting dropped.

In Febuary he entered rehab..was in there for about 2 months.. got a great job, found a roommate in a beautiful apartment..
until 2 weeks ago today.. he started using behind my back.. starts off with dip, then vicodin, then cocaine,and when money runs
out he resorts to crack. (very recent) It's gotten so bad that he has stolen from good friends and roommates to pawn their things for money. It wasn't til Wednesday the 9th that I found out he was using again.

Didn't hear from him until sunday because his keys had been locked in his car. That was when I told him we need
a break. (I'm still kicking myself for having been so mean!) So Tuesday he turns up only because he had spent the
night in jail (We don't live together so I didn't see him on tuesday, his family did). That was a week ago. No one
heard from him since Tuesday, but I havent spoken to him since sunday. He does not have his vehicle -at his parents house-, sold his phone, no credit or debit cards.. he's untraceable.

It's been almost 2 weeks of continuous drug use and he hasn't called! I'm an emotional
wreck!! I am completely destroyed and devastated!! I can't imagine being without him but I also can't imagine
living this way for the rest of my life. I wish he would just call!! My world would be shattered if anything
happened to him! I live in the uncertainty of even knowing he's ok! I'm so scared! I pray he makes it! Has anyone
experienced a loved one on a binge longer than 2 weeks?! It's up to him to call but each day I lose hope that he'll
come back anytime soon.. or even at all!! I pray every day that it'll be the day he calls. I think i did the right by breaking up with him even though it hurts SO bad! His own family hasnt heard from him either. I have dreams about him where everything is okay.. but when i wake up the real nightmare begins.. he's nowhere to be found!

Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. Only one person that is close to me knows that he's been missing this long. It hurts to be in love with
someone only to hear "you need to leave him" I have always thought "you don't know what it feels like" but
I'm forever greatful to learn I'm not alone. God bless!!

BayAreaPhoenix

Sweetpea!

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.

The 3C's first of all. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it!

You need to start worrying about you! Your mental, physical and spiritual self! That's the only way you are going to be OK. You have to take care of you.

It's the hardest thing we have to learn. To accept that we are POWERLESS over this disease.

Keep reading, read the stickies at the top of the forum, lots of people have been where you are. We are all here to help each other help ourselves!

Big hugs and welcome

liesagain

sweetpea...............you really arent alone. So many have been right where you are, many still are.

You asked if others have had their loved one out on a binge for weeks--- sweetpea some here havent heard from their family member for YEARS!! Weeks away on drugs isnt that uncommon......it just means he hasnt ran out of ways to keep getting more.YET......cuz when they do thats usually when they show back up...........

I know how scared you feel and its difficult not to worry, more nights than I want to count I've been right here with my dear friends helping me get thru............all the while just "knowing" in my heart it was my fault or that he was dead somewhere.

well its never our fault and so far mine has made it thru each episode alive, others dont and thats sad and heartbreaking but its the reality of addiction. Right now one thing you can do is know that no matter if you sleep or sit up and cry all night --whats hapening with him wont be affected either way.
( if I could only tell you know angry I would be when mine showed up and when hed start fessing up to his whereabouts and activities.........how angry it made me to know that all that time I cried all the lost sleep and fear and he was doing this that and the other........without any thoughts of me, or our family)
So sweetpea try to calm down, try to sleep and try to remind yourself what will be will be and you cant change the outcome

You said its hard to hear....you need to leave him..........
well truth is you may be told that here too, but really right now leaving or staying isnt something you have to decide you may not decide that for awwhile...........
where you could start right now..........is just reading the stickys and posts and read anything you can find on addiction and codependance..........and try to take care of yourself the best you can.............thats about all you can do right now
You didnt cause this you cant cure or control it.

More than likely hes gonna call or show up........you said hes untraceable but hes not he has fingerprints and if something horrible like your worried about where to happen someone will be notified.....I've had to remind myself of this too, several times so please dont think I'm being mean I'm not..................sometimes for me to be able to calm down I needed solid logic from someone else because when I'm scared or worried my mind runs in all kinds of directions..........I would be so fearful that hed die and I wouldnt even know.....I thought that over and over but logically I would know because he has fingerprints.......and a record.............

hang in there sweetpea, you will get thru this ................keep coming back here for support theres almost always someone here to listen and help!!!

Spiritual Seeker

As you see, you can't build a life with an addict.
read the sticky: "What Addicts Do" posted by Ann at the top of the friends and family of substance abusers.
They lose everything to drugs: relationships, money, jobs, health, etc.
Sorry for your sadness. It hurts like H*** to see him destroy himself and your relationship, but you have to detach for your own sanity.

Ann

Sweetpea, if he comes back now, the cycle will just continue, because that's how it is with addiction, especially crack addiction.

It's your choice to make, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life or even the next five years living like this, locking down your valuables, hiding any prescribed medications and sleeping with your car keys and bank card? Because that's what living with an active crack user is like.

Right now you don't have children involved, you can make a better choice...and Sweetpea you are worth so much better than this.

I know it hurts now, but now is better than forever, and it will get better in time, I promise.

Maybe go to a few meetings and get some help for you, because it's a rocky road you travel and you'll need all the support you can get.

I'm glad you joined us and am happy to walk with you, regardless of your choices here.

Hugs

katie44

Welcome sweetpea, keep coming back here you will find much support and wisdom. I am a mother of a crack addict. Disease only gets progressively gets worse. There is absolutely nothing you can do for him. Only when he is ready to change for himself. What is important is "you". Take care of your self. Not only will he destroy himself, he will destroy you in the process.

caileesnana

you can't help him, help yourself.
susan:codiepolice

MrsMagoo

You can't love the addiction out of him. That's a hard pill to swallow. Addiction is a completely selfish disease. The disease turns good people into manipulators and liars. There is nothing you can do. You will hear this over and over again.

The stickies are powerful and can make the toughest person cry but they are written for our benefit from addicts, from people dealing having experienced the worst case scenerios of addiction and they are real.

I posted and posted and posted when I first found out my AH was using. EVERYTHING, and I mean everything, anyone told me on this site has come TRUE. It's interesting how almost all addicts have the same story and almost all co-dependants have the same story, almost line for line. An addict can tell you what an addict is going to say, do or think. A co-dependent will be able to tell you exactly how you are going to react, think or feel.

I am so sorry and don't wish this on anyone. Too many of us have gone through this. There is so much knowledge, understanding, love and COMFORT here. I have met my best friends on this site. Read all you can and ask lots of questions.

:codiepolice

Lobo

Welcome Sweetpea,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through the unknowns right now. Most of us at some point of our journey have been through the same thing. For some of us like me it is an addicted child. Pain is pain no mattter who the loved one in our life is missing.

Sadly there is nothing you can do but pray for his safe return. Keep in mind that the things that we imagine are happening, usually aren't. Our minds help us to create far more worse problems than there are. Most often if there is a devastating problem you would know.

Keeping you in thought and that you find some peace within yourself.

Hugs...........Lo

SweetPea22

Thank you everyone for your replies!! I completely broke down reading these replies!! Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone! I try to be strong and not show how much this affects me.. i ask myself.. why would someone break up with the person they love? but I know it's the right thing to do. I just wish it didn't hurt this bad!! But thank you thank you SO much for everyone's encouragement and reality check!!!!! I really appreciate it!

Hangin' In

Hey Sweetpea,

Welcome to SR. I'm so glad you've joined us. And you're right. You are not alone in this. We all understand the feelings you are experiencing.

I'd like to recommend finding an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting in your area. I added meetings to my life at the insistance of a counselor at my AD's first rehab. I was very hesitant about going, just so scared, but I finally did and I am so glad I made that choice.

Meetings and this board have saved my sanity. If you think you feel good reading this board, think what adding face to face, recovering people to your life, people who struggle with the same things your struggling with. And believe it or not, many of those people in the meeting are happy and content and have found a much better way to live in the midst of the chaos of addiction.

Hope you find a meeting and I'll be looking for you on the board again, too.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

itisatruth

I'm glad you joined and sorry to learn of your pain. As others said, keep reading.....hopefully you will find some peace knowing that many of us have been through similar things and have had many of the same fears.

Imagine.....hmmm.......I wish someone would have asked me twelve years ago, when I first met my husband, if I could imagine living with addiction for the rest of my life. I don't know that it would have made a difference in my decision, but I sure would have liked the chance to think about it.

Of course I had no idea back then how bad it could get; I knew he was in recovery and had been clean for a few years. He was great, treated me better than anyone had. We had a few good years until he discovered two things: pain pills and the fact that our neighbor is a drug dealer. Oh, and he stopped going to NA meetings.

Fast forward: the last eight years have been a downward spiral, full of mostly downs, many, many sleepless nights, countless tears, empty bank accounts, and plenty of angry outbursts. I no longer recognize the man I married.

I don't tell you all this because I'm trying to tell you what to do or what I think you should do.....only that if you do stay with him, it may be a rocky ride and you should do as much as you can to learn about codependency. Also, never forget about your needs and your happiness.

(((hug))) take care

ZombieWife

I remember worrying about my addict for a while--would he come home? Would he make it? Is he ok out there? Oh my God, he will die and I'll never be notified. I used to have these strange daydreams in my head of me attending his funeral. Then I'd cry and cry and cry. Oh God, let him be ok.

I guess over time, I had that tortured out of me. I woke up one day and realized, "I really don't give a s**t if he's ok. I just want the pain to end. I'm tired of feeling like this. It never stops." I felt like a mouse on a wheel. Running frantically, thinking that if I ran fast enough, it would change things. But it never does. That mouse never gets out of that cage unless she tries something new.

Perhaps we all have different thresholds of tolerance. I went through a very ambivalent time where I just didn't care and that scared me at first. I think it was my higher self (or God or whatnot) giving me that distance so that I could focus on me, my child, MY life, MY health.

It took a long time for me to feel something stir for him within me. I felt no passion, no sexual attraction, no interest in much of anything in his life. It was like he was that teacher from Charlie Brown: wah wah wah wah wah. Through one ear and out the other. It was driven from me, the care. I needed that, but it was also a hard road coming back and allowing myself to FEEL something again--to trust enough.

It did come back, but some of us need to detach and step outside ourselves for a while. I didn't necessarily do it "with love" but that part is returning. Maybe I never lost that love, I just lost the ability to show it because I felt it was wasted on a dope addict who didn't care enough about me, his baby or himself to change. I was tired of giving---so very tired. When you give and give and nothing is given back, a part of you starts to die inside. You get your hopes up. Maybe he'll come through. You're let down. On and on until he decides to do something about it.

Think about how you would treat someone you love. Would you disappear for days at a time? How about weeks? How about 6 hours? Is that something you do to someone you love? Someone you care for with all your heart?

That's not love. That's wasting time, space, breathing air, existing. That's not love and it's certainly not living. I'm sure he loves somewhere deep inside him, but the drugs have torn that up and stashed it away in the trunk of the deepest corners of his mind. He has forgotten how to love anything but the drug.

I once told my AH that I'd rather he went out and cheated on me than ever use again. That each time he fell and used (and used and used,) it was like he was out with some dirty **** mistress who made him feel great for a while, but gave him sores on his skin, made his teeth fall out and turned him into an angry, aggressive person that I couldn't trust with much of anything.

He loved me during those times. He loved our child. But he loved the drugs more and what he felt for his family was pushed away, squeezed out for an artificial high.

He's not himself right now. He's consumed. He isn't the man you loved--he's a shadow of that man, and the shadow is winning.

jerect

Yes it does hurt to be in love with someone only to hear that "you need to leave him" this is why my family has no idea that I'm married to a drug addict.

I don't get to see my family very often maybe every couple or months or so but the last time my mom was in town, she told me I looked tired, like something was bothering me. I Just dismissed it as working to hard. There were so many times that weekend that I wanted to tell her, just crawl in her lap like a little girl and cry my eyes out and tell her everything, But my pride stepped in and told me that I made my bed now I have to lie in it.

I'm at the point now where I feel like I need to tell them because I can't carry this secret anymore. My In-laws know all about his relaps and his actions and while they are extremly angry and dissapointed right now, he is still their son and I have to remind myself to hold my tongue when talking to them. My family on the other hand would be my support system and I'm beginning to think, "So what if they tell me I need to leave" there going to tell me a lot of things that I don't want to hear, things that I know may be the truth.

I'm no where near ready to leave my husband but I'm not willing to carry this with me everywhere I go anymore eaither.

Good Luck to you, it looks like you have made some wise decisions for yourself. Take care of you, Take care of you, Take care of You..

MrsMagoo

Zombie, I told my husband and everyone else the same thing....I could understand better if he cheated on me. I know how something like that could happen but this addiction....I can't wrap my mind around. I told him that I wouldn't blame if he he fell in love with some classy, professional, well-rounded, financially secure lady. I could come to terms with that. Instead, he ran off on me and the kids with some scanky, dirty, ugly mistress with no money, no home, no personality, no hope or promise and her name was Heroin. All I could think of was "why weren't we enough?".

It's not about us. That is another concept that I am just beginning to understand. As a co-dependent, I want to think this has to be about me. It's not about me. I didn't make him pick up again and use. I couldn't control how much dope he used or how often and I certainly couldn't make him stop. I tried my hardest but I couldn't do it.

After alot of reading and TONS of great advice on SR, I'm starting to understand. I don't obsess as much as I did. I don't go looking for "evidence" as much as I used to. I don't lay awake at night with one eye open as much anymore. (Notice the "as much"?) I do, however, still sleep with my purse, shoes and a fire extinguisher. My husband is not using anymore but he is on methadone and that can still cause nodding and I still worry some about him dropping cigerrettes BUT, I pray every night and remind God that he doesn't want us to burn up in a fire and I'm trusting Him to protect us. So far, He has and I get to sleep a little more soundly than I have in what feels like a lifetime. I don't have this down to a science by any means but what I have learned helped me enjoy life a little more and quieted my chaos in my mind.

Best of luck. I hope this helps a little.

sandrawg

Sweetpea, did you ever hear what happened to your AXBF?

I went through the same pain as you. I had to break up with my exbf because he was doing coke. He is in total denial of his addiction. It's so hard-I felt like I was abandoning him, but I had set a line in the sand before, and he crossed it. I know it is the best thing for me but it's still painful as hell.

I, too, was kind of mean about it. I was taking out on him, my anger at his choosing the drug over me. I mean, how low does that feel...he told me he could not promise me he wouldn't do it anymore cuz, "2 years down the road I might be coming back from Jamaica and want to do a line"? Well, that is a crock...2 years from now! He did coke 3 days after I broke up with him-he confessed that he did it.

Why is he confessing all of this? I think he wants me to know he's got a problem. It's a subtle cry for help. But then when I sent him emails that were compassionate he went into denial mode again.

Today I noticed he was not online in my chat contact list, which means he either blocked me, or he didn't go to work-again. Which worries me.

But I have to let go somehow. I resisted the urge to text him or call him and find out where he was. He's a big boy. I need to focus on me, which is what I am doing, staying home and reading codependency books.

I hope you're feeling ok, sweetpea.

rozied

Sweetpea, Welcome, you can read what I posted to sandrawg if you'd like. It might help.
It is not easy loving an addict & realizing nothing you can do or say will ever change him but its true. My 1st husband was an addict & it took me 10 yrs, 2 kids, a divorce, remarriage, then another divorce, for me to accept the fact & move on with my life without him.
Keep coming back & try & stay busy,
Focus on your own life, there is nothing you can do to help him,
Diane

bookmiser

((((((((SweetPea))))))))))




So sorry for your pain. Please keep coming back and
continue to share. There's strength in numbers, ya know?