Trying hard to live sober without resentment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 40
Trying hard to live sober without resentment
Hey there...
I am new here. I am 34 (soon to be 35 yrs young or old, depending on what day you catch me on!), married, live in Wisconsin. I have been sober 3 yrs. (one mess up recently, but that's a long story).
I am learning to be well...hence the name "wellgrrl". I don't want to be a "dry drunk" anymore. The first 3 yrs. of sobriety I have been just that. I have a good support system, but most family & friends still drink and that bothers me a little. I didn't grow up around drinking, but it seems like everything around here revolves around it. I really regret ever doing any of that stuff, since now it seems so normal and I feel *abnormal* not doing it. Simple stuff like going to an art opening, a lounge, a baseball game or other sports event, a concert, etc. all are steeped in the tradition of having "a couple" (or 5-6...ugh) of drinks.
How do the rest of you deal with this? Do you have to completely separate yourself from society? EEEEK...
I was doing okay, but still wanted a drink every now & again. I think I'm pretty much "over it", but I feel odd at times or that some places don't make sense to me anymore. For instance, there is a new lounge that opened up near my work. Looks beautiful, but I don't want to visit, since going to a bar and not having a *drink Drink* seems silly to me.
I am new here. I am 34 (soon to be 35 yrs young or old, depending on what day you catch me on!), married, live in Wisconsin. I have been sober 3 yrs. (one mess up recently, but that's a long story).
I am learning to be well...hence the name "wellgrrl". I don't want to be a "dry drunk" anymore. The first 3 yrs. of sobriety I have been just that. I have a good support system, but most family & friends still drink and that bothers me a little. I didn't grow up around drinking, but it seems like everything around here revolves around it. I really regret ever doing any of that stuff, since now it seems so normal and I feel *abnormal* not doing it. Simple stuff like going to an art opening, a lounge, a baseball game or other sports event, a concert, etc. all are steeped in the tradition of having "a couple" (or 5-6...ugh) of drinks.
How do the rest of you deal with this? Do you have to completely separate yourself from society? EEEEK...
I was doing okay, but still wanted a drink every now & again. I think I'm pretty much "over it", but I feel odd at times or that some places don't make sense to me anymore. For instance, there is a new lounge that opened up near my work. Looks beautiful, but I don't want to visit, since going to a bar and not having a *drink Drink* seems silly to me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
No, you don't need to separate yourself from anything. It's just a simple matter of accepting the fact that you can't drink. That's what A.A. is all about. It's about becoming the person that God put you here to be. Today Alcohol is about as meaningful to me as the turnips are in the produce section. It's there, I'm just not interested.
Someday I'm not going to be here anymore. When that happens I want to leave knowing that there are some people here that can say that they were glad to have known me. I don't think that's possible if I was drinking.
It's about the way that your priorities change when you walk down the spiritual path.
Someday I'm not going to be here anymore. When that happens I want to leave knowing that there are some people here that can say that they were glad to have known me. I don't think that's possible if I was drinking.
It's about the way that your priorities change when you walk down the spiritual path.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Are you an AA, or have you just not drank in 3 years? (other than the mistake???)
After I did my fourth step at about 3 months sober, and read it to my sponsor - resentments disappeared. I hang out with normal people doing normal things all the time- that includes being around others who are drinking and/or drunk.
That is how I handled resentments...
After I did my fourth step at about 3 months sober, and read it to my sponsor - resentments disappeared. I hang out with normal people doing normal things all the time- that includes being around others who are drinking and/or drunk.
That is how I handled resentments...
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
I am only 4 months into my sobriety but my experience has been quite different from yours. For me, the foundation is accepting that I am an alcoholic and that the life I was chasing all those years was an illusion. AA helped me get to this point.
I can now see everything with much more clarity. I still go to concerts, hockey games, social events and when I look around, many people are not drinking (let alone getting hammered). For the most part, It doesn't make me uncomfortable and I always enjoy myself. For most people, I find that drinking/not drinking is just not an issue. I still have to be careful though. I won't spend time in a bar or go where getting drunk is the main purpose (eg. I was invited on a camping trip and there will be heavy drinking). Pretty small price to pay to protect my sobriety.
Rather than spending my time chasing that illusion, I now spend time with my family & true friends, going out for dinner with my wife, going to the fitness centre, mountain biking, movies, being a dad & husband. I also enjoy being alone - reading, SR, doing nothing
. It's like the world opened up to me. When I was drinking, I was completely separated from society. Now, I'm part of it.
I still get those occasional "a beer would be nice" feelings but they are so short lived as there is no illusion to feed them - just a heavy dose of reality. This also means that I have to keep working on my sobriety.
Congratulations on the sober time. I hope everything works out for you.
I can now see everything with much more clarity. I still go to concerts, hockey games, social events and when I look around, many people are not drinking (let alone getting hammered). For the most part, It doesn't make me uncomfortable and I always enjoy myself. For most people, I find that drinking/not drinking is just not an issue. I still have to be careful though. I won't spend time in a bar or go where getting drunk is the main purpose (eg. I was invited on a camping trip and there will be heavy drinking). Pretty small price to pay to protect my sobriety.
Rather than spending my time chasing that illusion, I now spend time with my family & true friends, going out for dinner with my wife, going to the fitness centre, mountain biking, movies, being a dad & husband. I also enjoy being alone - reading, SR, doing nothing
. It's like the world opened up to me. When I was drinking, I was completely separated from society. Now, I'm part of it.I still get those occasional "a beer would be nice" feelings but they are so short lived as there is no illusion to feed them - just a heavy dose of reality. This also means that I have to keep working on my sobriety.
Congratulations on the sober time. I hope everything works out for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 40
I'm not in AA, but have thought about the program. When I say I'm bothered by others' drinking, it's just that alcohol seems so ingrained in society. Sad, I guess. I checked out the online menu for the club I mentioned and it's all booze (and some desserts). Not sure they even do non-alcoholic stuff *sigh*. I really wish more places did something more than soda or mineral water. When all your friends are drinking and you're having a coffee, it's just a weird situation. I'm fine around family, but they don't even understand me. I admitted my problems to my dad, and he just suggested I drink at home. How does that help me? I crave alcohol when I'm stressed (socially or otherwise). I feel like I'm going crazy lately. I did so well for 3 yrs. and then "fell off the wagon". It's led to a lot of guilt, let me tell you!
Thanks for listening. I understand some people have had much different experiences. I made the mistake of spending time with an addict and paid the price with a big slip up. Now I feel I messed up 3 yrs. of "good behavior" with one mistake. I thought I could finally be "an adult" and drink like one (if there is such a thing). Well, I was wrong!!! I guess the resentment is really for myself and my actions. I wonder why I can't control myself like so many others seem to do.
Thanks for listening. I understand some people have had much different experiences. I made the mistake of spending time with an addict and paid the price with a big slip up. Now I feel I messed up 3 yrs. of "good behavior" with one mistake. I thought I could finally be "an adult" and drink like one (if there is such a thing). Well, I was wrong!!! I guess the resentment is really for myself and my actions. I wonder why I can't control myself like so many others seem to do.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Originally Posted by wellgrrl 
Now I feel I messed up 3 yrs. of "good behavior" with one mistake. I thought I could finally be "an adult" and drink like one (if there is such a thing). Well, I was wrong!!! I guess the resentment is really for myself and my actions. I wonder why I can't control myself like so many others seem to do.
) but I kept holding on to that glimmer of hope that I could "drink like an adult". I can't... I'm an alcoholic! I gave up pretending otherwise. This is what opened up recovery for me. Regarding those sober stretches, it certainly wasn't all bad, white-knuckling all the time. I learned a lot and it was an okay life. You didn't mess up three years. Just keep moving forward.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I don't think it was an actual resentment that I had at others who drank, I think I resented the alcohol.
If I went somewhere that alcohol was served, a nice restaurant for example, when I would see someone, even a distinguished gentleman and his date/wife having a glass of wine, I would think to myself, "now why do they have to ruin a perfectly good evening by drinking?"
I remember running into some friends of mine in the grocery store very early in my Recovery. They had a cart full of groceries, but the first thing I noticed was a 12 pack of beer. I actually had the nerve to suggest to them that they didn't need to have beer to celebrate Labor Day. My God, how arrogant was that?
Then it hit me, who am I to judge others?
Who am I to tell someone who I know is not an alcoholic and is a social drinker that they shouldnt drink?
I brought this up at a meeting a week or so after the pre Labor Day judgement and got some great feedback. I realized then that I had not put my house in order yet, so to speak. I had been telling myself, and everyone else for that matter that I wasn't in the least bit upset that I was no longer able to drink. No, I was no having any cravings, but I realized that since it was such a big part of my life for so many years, I felt as though I were mourning the loss of a part of me. I also realized it was time to go back and work my 4th Step a little more thoroughly.
I see you have came to the conclusion that you have been on a dry drunk.I commend you for recognizing that and realizing that you do need a stronger support system of those who share your disease.
All of the other efforts I had made at Sobriety, I know now that I was just clean, not sober. To me, there is a big difference. I refer to being clean as merely a dry drunk as you call it. Until I changed every area of my life, I wasn't in Sobriety, I wasn't in Recovery.
Thanks to AA/NA, I am living my life now Clean and Sober. My whole attitude and outlook on life has changed. The Eleven Promises have come true for me.
God Bless and Thanks for Letting Me Share,
Judy
:ghug2
If I went somewhere that alcohol was served, a nice restaurant for example, when I would see someone, even a distinguished gentleman and his date/wife having a glass of wine, I would think to myself, "now why do they have to ruin a perfectly good evening by drinking?"
I remember running into some friends of mine in the grocery store very early in my Recovery. They had a cart full of groceries, but the first thing I noticed was a 12 pack of beer. I actually had the nerve to suggest to them that they didn't need to have beer to celebrate Labor Day. My God, how arrogant was that?
Then it hit me, who am I to judge others?
Who am I to tell someone who I know is not an alcoholic and is a social drinker that they shouldnt drink?
I brought this up at a meeting a week or so after the pre Labor Day judgement and got some great feedback. I realized then that I had not put my house in order yet, so to speak. I had been telling myself, and everyone else for that matter that I wasn't in the least bit upset that I was no longer able to drink. No, I was no having any cravings, but I realized that since it was such a big part of my life for so many years, I felt as though I were mourning the loss of a part of me. I also realized it was time to go back and work my 4th Step a little more thoroughly.
I see you have came to the conclusion that you have been on a dry drunk.I commend you for recognizing that and realizing that you do need a stronger support system of those who share your disease.
All of the other efforts I had made at Sobriety, I know now that I was just clean, not sober. To me, there is a big difference. I refer to being clean as merely a dry drunk as you call it. Until I changed every area of my life, I wasn't in Sobriety, I wasn't in Recovery.
Thanks to AA/NA, I am living my life now Clean and Sober. My whole attitude and outlook on life has changed. The Eleven Promises have come true for me.
God Bless and Thanks for Letting Me Share,
Judy
:ghug2
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
Anybody can quit drinking. It isn't easy but it can be done. To make it easy we need to give up the reasons we drink.
Resentments are one of the biggies. Fear, intolerance, self worth are among the list too. Our inability to deal with this correctly is what keeps us on the bottle. We can't face life without it.
Our conditioned reflex to grab a drink occurs all the time. When things go good, bad or boring. It's time to drink. That's the crutch we lean on.
Even when it comes to having fun and enjoying our friends. We need alcohol to do it. It's the life we've learned to live.
A.A. is my answer. I learn to deal with life. What matters and what doesn't matter. What I can do and what I can't. What I am and what I'm not. This is what I am, and I'm going to have to be OK with it. What choice do I have.
Most important, I learned that it's OK just being OK.
Friends??? I lost more drinking than I did sober. Family??? I think they like me now. I haven't lost a thing being sober. Drinking, I've lost everything from my home to my front teeth. Just name it, I've lost it.
Sobriety is about doing what I can to see that doesn't happen again. Not about what I have to give up.
Resentments are one of the biggies. Fear, intolerance, self worth are among the list too. Our inability to deal with this correctly is what keeps us on the bottle. We can't face life without it.
Our conditioned reflex to grab a drink occurs all the time. When things go good, bad or boring. It's time to drink. That's the crutch we lean on.
Even when it comes to having fun and enjoying our friends. We need alcohol to do it. It's the life we've learned to live.
A.A. is my answer. I learn to deal with life. What matters and what doesn't matter. What I can do and what I can't. What I am and what I'm not. This is what I am, and I'm going to have to be OK with it. What choice do I have.
Most important, I learned that it's OK just being OK.
Friends??? I lost more drinking than I did sober. Family??? I think they like me now. I haven't lost a thing being sober. Drinking, I've lost everything from my home to my front teeth. Just name it, I've lost it.
Sobriety is about doing what I can to see that doesn't happen again. Not about what I have to give up.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi Wellgirl,
It sounds like things are going well for you. I had resentment about what I had done and I grieved over the loss of alcohol because it had been my best friend. Have you read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp? It's a memoir of a young, highly-functional alcholic woman and her love affair with wine.
I'm not an AA person either, but I don't go to clubs/lounges anymore. It took quite awhile before I was comfortable around alcohol, but I choose to not go to places where alcohol is the main event. I have no interest in that. My family members know very little about my addiction and I have no problem at all to not drink, when I am around them. I don't go out as much anymore and I'm happy with that.
It sounds like things are going well for you. I had resentment about what I had done and I grieved over the loss of alcohol because it had been my best friend. Have you read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp? It's a memoir of a young, highly-functional alcholic woman and her love affair with wine.
I'm not an AA person either, but I don't go to clubs/lounges anymore. It took quite awhile before I was comfortable around alcohol, but I choose to not go to places where alcohol is the main event. I have no interest in that. My family members know very little about my addiction and I have no problem at all to not drink, when I am around them. I don't go out as much anymore and I'm happy with that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Utah
Posts: 16
Alcoholism and addiction I find will follow me where ever I go. With that said, there wouldn't be a good argument to isolate myself, because then it will be just me and my addiction!
There is also a flip side to the coin that says I shouldn't frrequent the bars I used to...simple rational thought tells me that.
So the key willl be finding balance, and hopefully some new social gigs that spark your interests, or create new ones, and allow you to meet people that will respect who you are and what you're trying to do.
Cheers
The Cartel.
There is also a flip side to the coin that says I shouldn't frrequent the bars I used to...simple rational thought tells me that.
So the key willl be finding balance, and hopefully some new social gigs that spark your interests, or create new ones, and allow you to meet people that will respect who you are and what you're trying to do.
Cheers
The Cartel.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR!
Why on earth would I choose to hang out with drinkers?
I don't drink alcohol.
When I did...I did not choose sober people as friends.
My AA friends and I share the same goals and lifestyles.
We have a blast! We celebrate recovery.
Glad you are here with us
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I always drank at home by myself so I have no problem 'separating' myself from drinking society. I just have to stay sober at home. I've got over three weeks now and still have cravings, but I reread the list I carry with me about why I hate drinking. THat's enough of a reminder of the bad times to keep me from falling off the wagon.
Perhaps if you made a list of what you don't like about drinking and carried it with you to read any time you felt like drinking. It's working for me.:ghug3
Perhaps if you made a list of what you don't like about drinking and carried it with you to read any time you felt like drinking. It's working for me.:ghug3
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR Wellgrrl, my hat is off to you for your time without a drink, there is no way I could have gone that long after I came out of detox without AA or a long term recovery program.
The desire/obsession to drink was lifted entirely from me at about 5-6 months sober, I could honestly care less if I ever had another drink again. I have made huge discoveries in sobriety thanks to the Steps and fellowship of AA, I have found that there is not one single thing I can not do sober that I did while drinking, the only difference is I know do them better and I remember doing them the next day!!!
An even better discovery is all of the things that I could not do while I was drinking I can now do!
I have discovered that the soda line is actually longer then the beer line at professional sporting events!
I have noticed that more people drink sodas, hot chocolate, and water then folks drink beer at all sporting events.
I can go any place I want to as long as I have a reason to be there and not even be tempted to have a drink, heck I have sat in the bar sections of resteraunts and eaten rather then wait on a table to open up and not been tempted.
One of my daughters asked if beer was going to bother me at her wedding reception, I told her absolutely not, she beleived me when she saw me leaning against the beer keg while shooting darts, I was not even tempted.
The steps of AA are about becoming a better person, there is only one of the 12 steps that mentions alcohol, all of the rest of them are there to help us become spiritual, you see spiritual people are free, people that are free are happy, free and happy people have no need to drink, we are free of self and free of alcohol.
There is a saying in the the rooms "Change I must or die I will." When I first came into AA the solution to all of my problems and the way I celebrated anything was to drink, I was a self centered egotist with an inferiority complex that thought the whole world revolved around me and I was resentful against anyone or anything that I viewed as having offended or harmed me.
The steps of AA are what changed me, and between the steps and the fellowship I have learned how to live life on lifes terms one day at a time sober and happy.
The desire/obsession to drink was lifted entirely from me at about 5-6 months sober, I could honestly care less if I ever had another drink again. I have made huge discoveries in sobriety thanks to the Steps and fellowship of AA, I have found that there is not one single thing I can not do sober that I did while drinking, the only difference is I know do them better and I remember doing them the next day!!!
An even better discovery is all of the things that I could not do while I was drinking I can now do!
I have discovered that the soda line is actually longer then the beer line at professional sporting events!
I have noticed that more people drink sodas, hot chocolate, and water then folks drink beer at all sporting events.
I can go any place I want to as long as I have a reason to be there and not even be tempted to have a drink, heck I have sat in the bar sections of resteraunts and eaten rather then wait on a table to open up and not been tempted.
One of my daughters asked if beer was going to bother me at her wedding reception, I told her absolutely not, she beleived me when she saw me leaning against the beer keg while shooting darts, I was not even tempted.
The steps of AA are about becoming a better person, there is only one of the 12 steps that mentions alcohol, all of the rest of them are there to help us become spiritual, you see spiritual people are free, people that are free are happy, free and happy people have no need to drink, we are free of self and free of alcohol.
There is a saying in the the rooms "Change I must or die I will." When I first came into AA the solution to all of my problems and the way I celebrated anything was to drink, I was a self centered egotist with an inferiority complex that thought the whole world revolved around me and I was resentful against anyone or anything that I viewed as having offended or harmed me.
The steps of AA are what changed me, and between the steps and the fellowship I have learned how to live life on lifes terms one day at a time sober and happy.
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