littleone

I went shopping with my mum and we were on our way home and she was like i have to ask you a question and I said okay. well she asked me how I would feel if she left my dad (alcoholic father) and I told her that it would hurt me because I dont want to leave my dad. and I told her that I dont want to be in a pick and choose again like I am right now with my friend and my boyfriend she told me she couldn't handle it anymore and started to cry I told her why dont be try some meetings and she told me she already tried when my dad had gone away for a few months and it didn't help her and I dont know what to do or tell her. she told me that my dad picks alcohol over her and that she asked him why he drinks and she said he told her that he likes the taste and my mum said why dont you but the beer with no alcohol in it and he hesitated to answer her but then he said that he likes the buzz that he gets when he drinks it. and I didn't know what to say to her at all. I dont know why I didn't cry. she asked me "does your dads drinking affect you?" I said I would and she said what do you mean it would I said that the only reason why it would affect me is becasue I dont make the choice to drink with my friends becasue I know I will turn out like him. she said does it effect you and I didn't answer her becasue I know it does and I just dont let it bother me I am too immune to the fact that my father drinks. I dont know what to do anymore. becasue I dont want to leave my father. because I know if we leave him that he will become depressed and he will drink more and I know my mum will feel better knowing she is not in the situation but it hurts me.and Idont want to leave him because if that happens I wont want to live with my mum I will want to move out and get my own place and take a full time job not part time job and not go to college, because I will be too angry inside knowing I had to leave my father because he is my one and only father. I dont want to make those choices and ruin everything. this time im asking for sometrhing.....

LittleOne:wtf2

Barbara52

I am so sorry you are being torn like this. It sure isn't easy to be in your position.

THe only thing I can say is you mother is also in a horrible position. I fully understand why she wants to leave you father. I want to say that if your mother chooses to leave your father, it does not mean you have to take sides and choos one parent over the other. You can and will love both parents.

Have you considered talking to a counselor about everything that is going on in your life. You might find it very helpful..

hadenoughnow

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. You can still love your dad even if your mom is not with him. My son is 13 and the first time I told him that I might have to make his dad leave he cried but now he is happier and getting better grades in school. He has choices now and only has to see his dad when he wants to instead of being forced to deal with drinking every day. I am a far better mom now than I was when I lived in the chaos of alcoholism, leaving your dad may be the best thing for her recovery.

really_fed_up

Hi Littleone,

I'm so sorry for your pain. At times I feel the same way--that I'm being forced to choose between my sister (the alcoholic) and my parents (the enablers). I finally realized that I don't have to choose either of them; I'm in the process of choosing me. This realization came to me with another (very sad) realization that I am powerless over other people's choices, but that I can make the decisions about my own life. That in itself was very inspiring to me.

In your post, you wrote:

I dont want to leave my father. because I know if we leave him that he will become depressed and he will drink more

I felt like that for a LONG TIME about my alcoholic sister. Of course you don't want to leave the alcoholic because you feel that if you are present with them, that maybe you can keep them happy enough so they won't drink; maybe you will be the one to save them. But the sad fact is that no matter what role you play in the alcoholic's life, he/she will continue to drink. The alcoholic will continue to drink until he/she decides it's time to stop, and no one else can do that for him/her. Yes, your dad might get depressed, but you are not the cause of his depression..or his drinking. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it (the 3 C's).

I can understand the frustration you feel when you say that you don't have an answer for your mom. I feel that way with my mom, when she calls me crying or emails me very frustrated over my sister's latest escapades. It is heartbreaking to see how alcoholism hurts every one in the family. One thing I found that helped with dealing with my mom is to admit that I don't have to have the answers. I tell her, "I don't have the answers to your questions but I am certainly here to listen to you". I also suggest Al-Anon. She hasn't gone yet, but I suggest it every time I talk to her.

I also agree with Barbara52--have you considered going to a therapist? I found the experience tremendously helpful...

Know that you are in my thoughts and feel free to email me anytime.

Hugs.

wish he'd quit

Littleone I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I'm in a similar position to your mom's. My son is probably quite a bit younger than you, but your post has been a big insite to me. It has reminded me of what my son must have going through his mind. I agree with the other posters though in that you can still love your dad and its not about you having to choose a parent. This is about your mom wanting to get the 2 of you in a healthier situation. I wish you the best and hope you realize how smart your mom is for wanting something better for you both.