Angelus

Having said no to my alcoholic friend a few times and shrunk her presence in my life, my feelings of recovery and self protection are often offset by sadness and guilt, and an urge to cave in.

As a people pleaser and an enabler, saying no was very hard and now there's a war going on inside me. I keep reminding myself of what she is and the times she hurt me and took me for granted, but the urge to "make it all ok" through misplaced compassion is SO strong.

I start thinking "Well, I'll ask her to dinner to make up for it..." And then stop myself. "Me, make up for it?" I actually start looking at myself as the bad guy!

I can't get it through my head that it's just going to be the same unpleasantness and discomfort over and over again. My mind wants to rewrite it to cut out all the bad stuff and convince me that I should be nice to HER and crawl back!

??

GiveLove

This is all a process, angelus. For a card-carrying-codie like me, it was something I had to practice for a while before it started to feel normal, like learning a new sport or a new skill. If you have very few or no saying-NO muscles, they will be weak and shaky, and will need to be built up gradually over time by practice.

Don't beat yourself up. Chances are, it's just that you're not used to it.

Keep yourself busy and don't dwell on those thoughts. Half the battle, for me anyway, is learning how to sweep thoughts like that out of my mind as soon as they arise, with good and positive "Strong" thoughts. You KNOW you're doing the right thing.....these thoughts are just residual habits you need to rewrite with good ones......

Hugs to you!

peaceteach

It's almost like the alcoholic who, in relapse, convinces herself that she really isn't all that addicted, that one little drink won't hurt.

We get lulled back into what was familiar, even if it was very damaging and life-threatening to us. Remember what everybody says around here: Play the tape ALL the way through.

Angelus

Yeah I keep thinking that with one magic moment it's all gonna be different...it is indeed a process. Have to keep flexing my "no" muscles

sailorjohn

Melody Beattie has a line in her book about how the addicts in our lives will stand around glaring at us until we apologize. I'm done apologizing when I haven't done anything wrong.

lexusgirl

Thats what I used to think and still sorta do. Many times in the past I knew that it was a long process of working on myself and rewriting the bad behaviors, and I'm embarrased to say, that in the past I would go back to the toxic relationship as it was a lot easier then to work on myself.

I still have thoughts like that today, but keep moving on slowly but surely.

Hang in there Angelus!!

Barbara52

Keep on flexing those 'no' muscles! It does get easier with time, especially as you start feeling to peace that comjes form removing yourself from the madness. It takes a bit of time but you can get there!

really_fed_up

Hi A,

Boy can I relate to your post! It sure can be tough, can't it? I think what helps me is this forum...to keep posting and reading and reaching out. I especially liked SailorJohn's post:
"the addicts in our lives will stand around glaring at us until we apologize. I'm done apologizing when I haven't done anything wrong."

Try to keep that one in mind, and take it one day at a time...it's hard to leave what has become "comfortable" to us, even if it wasn't that comfortable in the first place.